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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been meaning to give the TAM community an update for some time now, but things have been hectic in my personal life so I've had a hard time sitting down and actually doing it.

Dday was actually Oct 9th of last year, so its been a bit longer than a year.

I guess its always best to start with the good; My P(partner) and I are doing well. While I wish I could say her affair was a distant memory, I can say that she has done everything in her power to help us recover. Talk of the affair is infrequent and mainly occurs when I trigger, which thankfully is also very infrequently these days.

Our old marriage is dead and gone, we've both mourned its passing and have embraced a new life and relationship with each other. I did not think it was possible for us to love each other more than we did before her affair, but I can honestly say, the marriage and relationship that is blooming between us now is stronger and healthier in almost every way. We have both grown as individuals, expanded our communication skills, and learned to lay down and protect healthy marital boundaries.

I dont have mind movies, and I'm not haunted by thoughts of the POSOM. When I'm with P intimately, only we exist. We are mindful of each others needs and do our best to focus our energies on each other.

I find it strange and difficult to write this update. Things seem so normal at times, like nothing ever happened, but there are moments when I still feel the scars across my heart and soul. I do my best to tell her when I feel that way, she comforts me, and we move on.

P struggles with what she did. I think she has a harder time with forgiving herself than I had forgiving her. She understands what kind of pain she caused me, and sometimes has a hard time living with the guilt of it. I do my best to comfort her during those moments. I try to remind her of all the good and loyal years, about how much I love her and how good of a wife she was and still is. I try and help her accept that we are all fallible as human beings and that life, adult love, commitment, and marriage are all a matter of a daily choice to do the right thing.

P has maintained the NC agreement with two exceptions, and reported both incidents to me the day they occurred. Both were her sending the OM and email, both happened in the same month about 6 months ago. Both were followed up with subsequent e-mails stating that her contacting him was a mistake and he was to maintain NC. The OM never replied to any of the e-mails.

Full transparency is still in effect, all time, money, and communication is accounted for. She offers to go over her accounts every once in a while, my need to see them has subsided greatly. I still have all of her passwords and she has all of mine.

I suppose that covers the majority of it. I welcome any questions the community might have, and I will try and answer as they are asked over the next few days.

In case anyone is wondering, I deleted my original thread because it contained a detailed description of P's suicide attempt last november, and it was just too damn painful to have that, as well as the evolving and raw painful emotions of the first month or so of the ordeal staring me in the face.

-Paladin
 

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Glad to see a happy 1 year update from someone. Glad to see the movies are gone for the most part and things feel normal.

Breaking NC after 6 months bothers me though, that was her reason?
I am at 6 months today.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Glad to see a happy 1 year update from someone. Glad to see the movies are gone for the most part and things feel normal.

Breaking NC after 6 months bothers me though, that was her reason?
I am at 6 months today.
Thank you for the kind words. She broke NC by sending the OM two emails one week apart. Both were reported to me the day they were sent, although after the fact. Both were discussed in our MC sessions and had the potential to be deal breakers. The only reason they were not deal breakers was because I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt. The emails were very short, and were basically at the heart of the matter, P's attempts to further punish herself because I triggered pretty hard at the 6 month mark. The first email was a three or four liner saying something like "I hope you are ok and followed up with your plans to go back to school." The second was "my husband made me write that last email"

I asked her to write an email after she reported the first NC to me that said "it was a mistake to contact you, it hurt my husband, and you are not allowed to contact me in any way, because contact with you breaks my agreement with my husband and puts my recovery efforts at risk"

So she did, then sent another saying I made her write that. Again followed up with "don't contact me"

It made me paranoid for about a month, and I went through a phase of checking up on her on a daily basis.

I must admit I was a wreck at the six month mark, and probably made her feel like ****, I was dealing with another uncomfortable date, the one year anniversary of my grandmas passing, and was not coping well at all.

I never felt like the NC breach was an attempt to restart the A, I guess that's why it wasn't too hard to move beyond it. The OMs silence also solidified in her mind that the entire thing was exactly what it looked like at face value. A cheap thrill, and not the "soulmate" experience she thought it could have been while she was in the fog.
 

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It is great to hear that you are both doing well, but I have to say that I don't get the breaking of NC either....if you were triggering and having a difficult time, that should have been the last thing on her mind. Now if she was full of hatred for him for being part of the affair and lashed out at him in a violent way - I might almost get and accept that, but from what you wrote, it seems like she was hoping to just ge a response from him. I don't mean to make you think too much, but my hubs and I are in great R mode, and the thought is always in the back of your mind that anything is possible.
 

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Good for you, I'm glad you guys are working out.

For what its worth I went thru the same crap, Her last OM went fishing a month after D-day but she didn't respond and then another OM from years ago went fishing and she actually got into an arguement about honesty with this POS. The OM from years past was almost a deal breaker cuz of the extent of the conversation, but after reading the text I was pretty pissed at OM for how insulting he was towards my fWW and so was my fWW.

The fact that all these guys and toxic friend come out of the wood work, weeks and months after d-day can be trying, but we got thru it.

Anyway, been there done that and now here I am 3 year mark and things couldn't be better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It is great to hear that you are both doing well, but I have to say that I don't get the breaking of NC either....if you were triggering and having a difficult time, that should have been the last thing on her mind. Now if she was full of hatred for him for being part of the affair and lashed out at him in a violent way - I might almost get and accept that, but from what you wrote, it seems like she was hoping to just ge a response from him. I don't mean to make you think too much, but my hubs and I are in great R mode, and the thought is always in the back of your mind that anything is possible.
She was guilty and scared when she did it. She knew I was hurting because of her actions, and that caused her to feel guilt. She was also scared that I would be that way for the rest of my life, always hurt and triggering. In MC we examined how much the A was an escape for her, like a drug to escape from reality, so I agree with you, she was probably hoping for a response, she craved an escape from her feelings and the situation, and went back to try and get that escape from some type of contact with the OM.

Its obviously impossible to boil the complexity of the situation to a few paragraphs, but she tried her best to be there for me during that time, I was not making it easy for her, and she slipped up. She tried to repair the damage as best as she could. She knew she did the wrong thing, came to me, and told me, knowing that I could have potentially kicked her to the curb. That meant a lot to me. I didn't have to find out by seeing it in her sent box, or some other way, I found out from her, that defused the situation greatly.

She does hate the OM in a lot of ways. She hates him for the damage her A did to me and our marriage, she hates him for how he took advantage of the situation, and a multitude of other things. However, and this part did take a while for me to process in IC, some parts of her A made her feel good (obviously or why do it right?) and she can't make herself "unfeel" those feelings/highs. Its enough for me that she can acknowledge the fact that just because something felt good/pleasurable doesn't meant it was correct to do it/indulge.
 

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Great update. I'm two years ahead, except I only commited to stay around nine moths after DDay. I think you are doing just fine.

Thanks for sharing.
 

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P struggles with what she did. I think she has a harder time with forgiving herself than I had forgiving her. She understands what kind of pain she caused me, and sometimes has a hard time living with the guilt of it.

I do my best to comfort her during those moments.

Be careful when you do that. Don't turn the comfort into enabling stuff("You only cheated because I did not do this or that. I was also at fault"). She might well be fishing for sympathy from you so be careful when you do this.

I try to remind her of all the good and loyal years, about how much I love her and how good of a wife she was and still is. I try and help her accept that we are all fallible as human beings and that life, adult love, commitment, and marriage are all a matter of a daily choice to do the right thing.
Just don't buy too much of this..This seems to be a common theme with BS(men in particular.). Yes, she is repentant and is working to repair the marriage but nothing more or nothing less. Especially after she broke NC. You are trying to see everything in a positive light but please don't force the positivity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Just don't buy too much of this..This seems to be a common theme with BS(men in particular.). Yes, she is repentant and is working to repair the marriage but nothing more or nothing less. Especially after she broke NC. You are trying to see everything in a positive light but please don't force the positivity.
I tend not to force anything, but I certainly appreciate the advice of caution. As far as comforting her, it does not involve me taking on the blame for her affair. She is actually pretty proactive in making sure there is no blame shifting for the A. The problems leading up to the A occurring have been addressed in IC/MC and we have both made adjustments where needed to facilitate a new and healthy relationship.
 

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Great to see so many doing well, working hard so one day I or my BW can also post positives. Keep living and working hard at marriage.
 

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The first email was a three or four liner saying something like "I hope you are ok and followed up with your plans to go back to school." The second was "my husband made me write that last email"

I asked her to write an email after she reported the first NC to me that said "it was a mistake to contact you, it hurt my husband, and you are not allowed to contact me in any way, because contact with you breaks my agreement with my husband and puts my recovery efforts at risk"

So she did, then sent another saying I made her write that. Again followed up with "don't contact me"

It made me paranoid for about a month, and I went through a phase of checking up on her on a daily basis.

I must admit I was a wreck at the six month mark, and probably made her feel like ****, I was dealing with another uncomfortable date, the one year anniversary of my grandmas passing, and was not coping well at all.

I never felt like the NC breach was an attempt to restart the A, I guess that's why it wasn't too hard to move beyond it. The OMs silence also solidified in her mind that the entire thing was exactly what it looked like at face value. A cheap thrill, and not the "soulmate" experience she thought it could have been while she was in the fog.
Paladin, I just saw your post in Neverknew thread a got interested in your story and read it, I don't know why I am posting because for one part I know that my comment is nothing but negative, and as you said in your latest posts, you are happy you have succesfully reconciled and at this point any action of the past is just a memory I guess.

but when I read about the she breaking the NC I really got angry and distraught becuase as you said, he not responding him shoes her that her hope for being something more that a cheap thrill is a lie, and he really isn't her soulmate

but what if?, what if he had responded her telling her that he loved her, obviously that was her intention, proving that she was more than a thrill, so what she had done if the answer would have been yes and if he had suggested to leave you, I mean the simply fact she contacted him waiting for an answer and later she wanted to clarify him that she didn't want to enforce the NC make me emitionally hurt for you because I feel that you were plan B.

I know that after 3 years of reconcilation my words are nothing but damaging, and I normally avoid posting in this kind of situation, I don't know why I couldn't stop myself this time.

I wish you the best, and I sincerily hope that you wife realizes the uncommon and precious that second chanceds are (when it comes to infedelity), and I hope she is treating you now as you deserve.
 

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I've been meaning to give the TAM community an update for some time now, but things have been hectic in my personal life so I've had a hard time sitting down and actually doing it.

Dday was actually Oct 9th of last year, so its been a bit longer than a year.

I guess its always best to start with the good; My P(partner) and I are doing well. While I wish I could say her affair was a distant memory, I can say that she has done everything in her power to help us recover. Talk of the affair is infrequent and mainly occurs when I trigger, which thankfully is also very infrequently these days.

Our old marriage is dead and gone, we've both mourned its passing and have embraced a new life and relationship with each other. I did not think it was possible for us to love each other more than we did before her affair, but I can honestly say, the marriage and relationship that is blooming between us now is stronger and healthier in almost every way. We have both grown as individuals, expanded our communication skills, and learned to lay down and protect healthy marital boundaries.

I dont have mind movies, and I'm not haunted by thoughts of the POSOM. When I'm with P intimately, only we exist. We are mindful of each others needs and do our best to focus our energies on each other.

I find it strange and difficult to write this update. Things seem so normal at times, like nothing ever happened, but there are moments when I still feel the scars across my heart and soul. I do my best to tell her when I feel that way, she comforts me, and we move on.

P struggles with what she did. I think she has a harder time with forgiving herself than I had forgiving her. She understands what kind of pain she caused me, and sometimes has a hard time living with the guilt of it. I do my best to comfort her during those moments. I try to remind her of all the good and loyal years, about how much I love her and how good of a wife she was and still is. I try and help her accept that we are all fallible as human beings and that life, adult love, commitment, and marriage are all a matter of a daily choice to do the right thing.

P has maintained the NC agreement with two exceptions, and reported both incidents to me the day they occurred. Both were her sending the OM and email, both happened in the same month about 6 months ago. Both were followed up with subsequent e-mails stating that her contacting him was a mistake and he was to maintain NC. The OM never replied to any of the e-mails.

Full transparency is still in effect, all time, money, and communication is accounted for. She offers to go over her accounts every once in a while, my need to see them has subsided greatly. I still have all of her passwords and she has all of mine.

I suppose that covers the majority of it. I welcome any questions the community might have, and I will try and answer as they are asked over the next few days.

In case anyone is wondering, I deleted my original thread because it contained a detailed description of P's suicide attempt last november, and it was just too damn painful to have that, as well as the evolving and raw painful emotions of the first month or so of the ordeal staring me in the face.

-Paladin
You constantly refer to your wife as 'P' ('Partner') as opposed to 'W' ('Wife').
Is there any psychological reasoning for this? i.e. you say the 'old marriage is dead and gone', so therefore, you don't see her as a 'wife'?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Continued discussion about those e-mails during subsequent conversations and counseling sessions solidified my belief that they were a product of inappropriate and mostly broken coping skills. My P suffers from major depressive disorder and used to self harm, mainly burning herself and substance abuse, to cope with stressful or negative events. I was hurting at the time and she felt hopeless, she knew breaking NC was out of bounds, and did it because she wanted to be punished/hurt.

Essentially her EA/PA occurred for very similar reasons. I've deleted my original thread because it contained a detailed description of the day she attempted suicide and called me to say goodbye, and it was counter-productive to constantly reread that as well as the pain I was going through in the first few months. Her main motivation for the A was to alienate me and drive me away so she could commit suicide without anyone trying to talk her out of it. The POSOM also had suicidal ideation, and his continued insistence that she did not need medication, along with his constant focus on death and dying was what I believe caught her attention in the first place.

Her commitment to transparency is what made her confess the emails to me, and at no point in this process have I ever felt like her plan B.

She has posted on this forum a few times, once I felt she was at a point in her recovery that she could handle reading the posts in this section, I helped her make an account. Paladin's Pride is her screen name here.

Your comments did not come off as negative BTW. I do not shy away from exploring any and every topic/question when it comes to this issue, and all points of view are valuable to me. I take this stuff very seriously, and so does she. I am grateful for your empathy, and I am sure if she could say something to you to ease some of the pain you felt on my behalf, she would gladly do so. She has yet to fully forgive herself for the A, and still actively works on making sure I know she is thinking about it. In fact, her apologizing to me for the billionth time a few days ago, prompted me to come back here and work on updating the community on our 3 year old (give or take a bit of time) reconciliation.

I love her deeply, and feel deeply loved by her. I am grateful that she took the steps necessary to make reconciliation a possibility, and cherish every moment we spend together. She has never stopped thanking me for the chance to R, it is a gift she never takes for granted. I never stop thanking her for her efforts, even when those efforts are beyond hard and uncomfortable.

I hope to have the updated thread done in a day or two, I'm not sure if she is going to be posting any time soon, as we are dealing with a ton of other life stress right now, but I will approach her about it and see if she is up to contributing.

Thank you for your interest and comments manticore.

-P

@ Dave Carter

We both believe in co-equal relationships, if you look up some of my posts, especially ones where I am critical of the approaches outlined in the MMSL, you will understand a bit more about why I do this. She still calls me husband, and I still call her wife at home, in bed etc., but it feels awkward to refer to her as my FWS or FWW, and the term spouse feels a bit clinical to me, so Partner felt like a good fit for talking about her on this forum and other "formal" conversation. Sometimes the term "wife" can carry an implicit limitation to the agency of the person being discussed because it implies that the person is simply a possession of someone else. Obviously not all instances of people being called "wife" allude to that distinction, but I guess I err on the side of caution/equality because I do not know who will be reading what I am writing and what those people think the term "wife" means. Hope that clears it up a bit.
 

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I've been meaning to give the TAM community an update for some time now, but things have been hectic in my personal life so I've had a hard time sitting down and actually doing it.

Dday was actually Oct 9th of last year, so its been a bit longer than a year.

I guess its always best to start with the good; My P(partner) and I are doing well. While I wish I could say her affair was a distant memory, I can say that she has done everything in her power to help us recover. Talk of the affair is infrequent and mainly occurs when I trigger, which thankfully is also very infrequently these days.

Our old marriage is dead and gone, we've both mourned its passing and have embraced a new life and relationship with each other. I did not think it was possible for us to love each other more than we did before her affair, but I can honestly say, the marriage and relationship that is blooming between us now is stronger and healthier in almost every way. We have both grown as individuals, expanded our communication skills, and learned to lay down and protect healthy marital boundaries.

I dont have mind movies, and I'm not haunted by thoughts of the POSOM. When I'm with P intimately, only we exist. We are mindful of each others needs and do our best to focus our energies on each other.

I find it strange and difficult to write this update. Things seem so normal at times, like nothing ever happened, but there are moments when I still feel the scars across my heart and soul. I do my best to tell her when I feel that way, she comforts me, and we move on.

P struggles with what she did. I think she has a harder time with forgiving herself than I had forgiving her. She understands what kind of pain she caused me, and sometimes has a hard time living with the guilt of it. I do my best to comfort her during those moments. I try to remind her of all the good and loyal years, about how much I love her and how good of a wife she was and still is. I try and help her accept that we are all fallible as human beings and that life, adult love, commitment, and marriage are all a matter of a daily choice to do the right thing.

P has maintained the NC agreement with two exceptions, and reported both incidents to me the day they occurred. Both were her sending the OM and email, both happened in the same month about 6 months ago. Both were followed up with subsequent e-mails stating that her contacting him was a mistake and he was to maintain NC. The OM never replied to any of the e-mails.

Full transparency is still in effect, all time, money, and communication is accounted for. She offers to go over her accounts every once in a while, my need to see them has subsided greatly. I still have all of her passwords and she has all of mine.

I suppose that covers the majority of it. I welcome any questions the community might have, and I will try and answer as they are asked over the next few days.

In case anyone is wondering, I deleted my original thread because it contained a detailed description of P's suicide attempt last november, and it was just too damn painful to have that, as well as the evolving and raw painful emotions of the first month or so of the ordeal staring me in the face.

-Paladin
I deleted my original thread too, so I'd never have to read it again.

Six months into your R, she tried to contact him via email? Two times, and he never replied? What were her intentions if he replied, and why would she want to contact him if she was feeling so much guilt and remorse about causing you pain? How did you find out?

I'm glad you're in such a great place, I'm not trying to drag you down, just wondering how and why... I think if my WS reached out to her OM six months into R, that would create quite the backslide in our progress..

Edit: Just continued reading and see you answered.... Wow.. yea, that'd derail things, her needing to reach out to him shows she still cared about him and saw him as a friend/lover, whatever... not the person that helped destroy her marriage, used her for selfish reasons, lied to her etc.. sounds like she has fond memories of him.
 

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Thank you for the kind words. She broke NC by sending the OM two emails one week apart. Both were reported to me the day they were sent, although after the fact. Both were discussed in our MC sessions and had the potential to be deal breakers. The only reason they were not deal breakers was because I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt. The emails were very short, and were basically at the heart of the matter, P's attempts to further punish herself because I triggered pretty hard at the 6 month mark. The first email was a three or four liner saying something like "I hope you are ok and followed up with your plans to go back to school." The second was "my husband made me write that last email"

I asked her to write an email after she reported the first NC to me that said "it was a mistake to contact you, it hurt my husband, and you are not allowed to contact me in any way, because contact with you breaks my agreement with my husband and puts my recovery efforts at risk"

So she did, then sent another saying I made her write that. Again followed up with "don't contact me"

It made me paranoid for about a month, and I went through a phase of checking up on her on a daily basis.

I must admit I was a wreck at the six month mark, and probably made her feel like ****, I was dealing with another uncomfortable date, the one year anniversary of my grandmas passing, and was not coping well at all.

I never felt like the NC breach was an attempt to restart the A, I guess that's why it wasn't too hard to move beyond it. The OMs silence also solidified in her mind that the entire thing was exactly what it looked like at face value. A cheap thrill, and not the "soulmate" experience she thought it could have been while she was in the fog.
The NC breach was exactly her trying to restart the A.. it was her, contacting him, why do you think she'd need/want to contact him again? Did she expect he'd contact her back? I think you're fooling yourself if you thought she didn't want to hear from him... She needed to verify that he wasn't her soul mate? What if he contacted her, and said he was her soul mate? So she just had to put her feelers out there, and find out if he could fluff her ego one more time..

You were in your six month 'rage' phase, and she stayed strong by contacting her OM... way to be there for you.
 

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Paladin,

I am very glad to hear that you too are doing better and well. I agree with Russell. The reaching out was definitely a 'don't let our affair' die reach out.

...but not everyone is super strong and we all have weaknesses and faults. She fell, but she picked herself back up and looks like she is on the right path. I am glad she seems to finally have made it. I wish you two the very best. Good luck and God Bless.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
@Russel

I certainly hope you've never had to deal with a family member that suffered from mental health issues, it is very challenging at times, and sometimes involves accepting uncomfortable and scary crap. Part of P's mental health issues included very negative and dysfunctional coping mechanisms/skills which manifested in her doing things to harm herself when she felt emotionally overwhelmed. The act of self harming was a way for her to avoid dealing with emotional/stressful events.

If her intentions were truly to restart her A with her former AP, the end goal would have been major self harm/death. When a person suffers from the type of issues she suffers from, guilt triggers circular thinking, and the circular thinking revolves around the idea of being a "bad" person.

"I had an affair, I'm a bad person, I deserve to be punished."

Once the circular thinking occurs enough times the brain attempts to validate the thoughts, or the person seeks relief from the thoughts through some type of action, in her case, self harm. Her A was an escape from life for her, in a very literal sense, she thought that it would lead to her death and relief from uncomfortable feelings. She used it to cope, and as many people who have dysfunctional coping skills, took a while to relearn how to cope with negative or stressful emotion in a more positive way.

If you were to ask her to reflect on the A and her former AP today, there would not even be a hint of positivity in her language about those events. In fact, we are both careful to never cite the actual affair for allowing us to have a healthier relationship now. Instead, we credit, and focus on the commitment and work that we both willingly wanted to do to make sure nothing like that ever happened again as the positive thing that improved our lives.

Do I think she wanted a reply to her emails at the time? Yes. Do I think it was because she wanted to cake eat? No. She wanted to escape her feelings, and defaulted to using dysfunctional behavior to do so. The end goal was self harm, and a desire to be punished. I know that her actions were not fully thought out, and were mostly reactionary, and if she got a reply from him I would have expected her to tell me, and I know she would have.

Would I willingly choose to deal with a breach in NC like that? Absolutely not, it was very close to being a deal breaker for me and I considered ending R. However, true R requires understanding and compassion and most importantly forgiveness. I thought about it for quite some time when it happened and decided that in the grand scheme of things, her screwing up and telling me she did so, was not enough of a reason to rob myself of the chance to have a functional and healthy relationship with a woman I cared about. A woman that was faithful for the vast majority of her time with me, who was doing everything in her power at the time to mend the damage caused by her choices, and obviously loved me. I have a high standard for her, but certainly not an unreasonable one, everyone is capable of learning from screwing up, and she has thus far been willing to do so.

I do hope she chimes in on some of this stuff over the next few days, as I mentioned above, her screen name here is Paladin's Pride.

@MovingAhead

I respectfully disagree, but I dont entirely dismiss your point of view. As I mention in my reply to Russel, if her intentions were really to try and continue the A, the only reason to do so would have been rooted in her desire to be punished/hurt/killed and her inability to accept the fact that she was worth the forgiveness and chance for R that I gave her.

Yes it took some time for her to develop better less dysfunctional coping skills, but I certainly had my share of work to do to make positive changes, and it was not over night.

Deleting the original thread is a double edge sword, it certainly helps with moving forward, but makes subsequent discussion of the topic more difficult to frame. Hopefully I dont slack to long on writing the update, as CWI always needs some positivity sprinkled into it to help dilute some of the pain, and provide some hope and comfort to others wondering if things ever get better.
 

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Paladin,

I remember your original thread. You and I have had discussions and disagreements at times but always respectful and productive. I want you to know that I did get a little teary eyed reading your responses. I can feel the deep love you have for your partner and obviously she has that same level of deep feeling enough to inspire you to reconcile and create a new better relationship with her. If Paladin's Pride reads this I want her to know that she IS worthy of your love and commitment. She IS worthy of happiness and joy. I wish you both all the best and continued contentment.

P.S. I was going to quote Shakespeare but I thought better of it.
 

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Not too familiar with your story, but thought I should warn you that the second year is often the hardest. Lots of reasons for that, but it has a lot to do with no longer being in the reactive mode and dealing with a personal crisis. So, you start thinking more and more about ‘the future’ while this past is still a fairly fresh wound. It’s scary, confusing, and very much about you and what you want out of life.

Part of the scary is that things start returning to ‘normal’ meaning they start looking like they did ‘before’. You know how that story ended, so ‘normal’ isn’t a good feeling. It’s just loaded with anxiety and ‘what if’. Your mind will be really stretching trying to find something ‘wrong’ because that ‘normal’ is a trigger and foreboding of what might happen again. When those little attacks happen, just start talking to your wife and describing what you are going through. If she’s got the right stuff, she’ll help. If not, you’ll start hearing things like “aren’t you ever going to get past this?” and “how long are you going to sabotage this marriage and what we are rebuilding?”..

I wish you the best.
 

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I vaguely remember your original thread...I think.

When the APs have a deep emotional connection, or at least one of the APs have a deep emotional connection, usually fishing is bound to happen. One of them will attempt to contact the other, it can be something as simple as "Hi" or "How are you?". The BS has to decide how much of a deal breaker that would be.

I would be lying if I said my R was smooth, because it wasn't. OM attempted to fish twice, but I intercepted it. I have not detected any attempts on my fWWs to fish, and believe me, I was in Hypervigilance mode and looking at everything.

But it looks like she has really been doing the heavy lifting and is showing True Remorse, which is something rare in these forums. IMHO, the prognosis looks very good. I'm happy for you. Its good to read a success story once in a while.
 
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