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859 Posts
It has been a year since WH and OW started their 5 month online and 5 day PA. It has been 8 months since WH and I have been in R. Things have been going great, and we have made significant strides. I feel good about where we are, and I know he is doing what he should be doing. It has been very good even with setbacks (arguments and hurting). That is not what is bothering me. It has all come full circle, and I feel physically ill at times. Not because of us, but because I can't help but remember dates, conversations, arguments, things that were said after DD, etc. I don't want to talk about it any more w/my husband because we have already talked about it and gone over it, so it is not anything I need information on. It is information I aready have and it makes me sick to think about it.
I already accepted that it happened and I have forgiven him (he still has not forgiven himself), and I am not changing that or how I feel about is. It is just these triggers one right after the other - dates - that bring everything back up. It sucks. It's not false R, its not me changing my mind, its not that I have had my head in the sand or not really realized what happened, it's not that I have any doubts - none of that - it just sucks.
I feel like I am defensive and I don't want to feel like that. I don't have a reason to be at this point. I know I am strong and I am happy (all things considered) with our marriage and the progress and life we are rebuilding, but I feel at times that this is kicking my a$$. Is this normal for first year out and first cycle?
I already accepted that it happened and I have forgiven him (he still has not forgiven himself), and I am not changing that or how I feel about is. It is just these triggers one right after the other - dates - that bring everything back up. It sucks. It's not false R, its not me changing my mind, its not that I have had my head in the sand or not really realized what happened, it's not that I have any doubts - none of that - it just sucks.
I feel like I am defensive and I don't want to feel like that. I don't have a reason to be at this point. I know I am strong and I am happy (all things considered) with our marriage and the progress and life we are rebuilding, but I feel at times that this is kicking my a$$. Is this normal for first year out and first cycle?