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Discussion Starter #1
It has been a year since WH and OW started their 5 month online and 5 day PA. It has been 8 months since WH and I have been in R. Things have been going great, and we have made significant strides. I feel good about where we are, and I know he is doing what he should be doing. It has been very good even with setbacks (arguments and hurting). That is not what is bothering me. It has all come full circle, and I feel physically ill at times. Not because of us, but because I can't help but remember dates, conversations, arguments, things that were said after DD, etc. I don't want to talk about it any more w/my husband because we have already talked about it and gone over it, so it is not anything I need information on. It is information I aready have and it makes me sick to think about it.

I already accepted that it happened and I have forgiven him (he still has not forgiven himself), and I am not changing that or how I feel about is. It is just these triggers one right after the other - dates - that bring everything back up. It sucks. It's not false R, its not me changing my mind, its not that I have had my head in the sand or not really realized what happened, it's not that I have any doubts - none of that - it just sucks.

I feel like I am defensive and I don't want to feel like that. I don't have a reason to be at this point. I know I am strong and I am happy (all things considered) with our marriage and the progress and life we are rebuilding, but I feel at times that this is kicking my a$$. Is this normal for first year out and first cycle?
 

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Its the cloud.

Even in R, it doesn't just fade into the background. Its just gonna sit there day after day, especially in the beginning.

And nothing is really normal in R to be honest. People can tell you so, but everyone does R differently.

Some people feel bad 1st year, and it lessens each year

Some people in R die inside a little bit each year.

It all varies.

Also, can you give me some more information? Are you feeling like this all the time or frequently, or just when the dates come up?
 

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Just randomely, but more so last month and this month - I am a date person - organized - so I remember everything. Every email I read, every text, every conversation. A lot of stuff was going on around the time the affair started and through DD - then there were 3 DDs to follow because they started talking again. Then holidays - birthdays...a bit much at times. I feel confident that making it through a full year of R is what is going to lesson it...it is just making the rounds. We have already started - made it through some events and Halloween...I feel good about those and almost like I own those dates with my family again...does that make sense?

I feel like every day that they were in the affair was stolen from me and I have to regain it by experiencing it with no affair so I can reclaim it and put it into my good memory bank again. Even my oldest's bday last year was tainted and I don't want to think about it because I know he talked to OW for an hour that day on his way home. We just celebrated her birthday this year and it was great. I barely had time to think about it and I feel really good - something great that we did together and I can look back at this birthday and have good memories. I think next years bday I will be totally fine. I just have about 30 other dates to make it through before then.
 

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Im 3 years in R with my WH and yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had a bill collector call me about a debt that I was disputing so I had to look back over 6 years of bank statements. I had to relive the years he was living away from home and doing his own thing, right there on paper. I was so sad and upset all day I wanted to run away!

I dont think these things ever totally leave you, they just get easier to deal with as time goes on. To the point that eventually you dont even think about them ( I HOPE!).
 

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It has been a year since WH and OW started their 5 month online and 5 day PA. It has been 8 months since WH and I have been in R. Things have been going great, and we have made significant strides. I feel good about where we are, and I know he is doing what he should be doing. It has been very good even with setbacks (arguments and hurting). That is not what is bothering me. It has all come full circle, and I feel physically ill at times. Not because of us, but because I can't help but remember dates, conversations, arguments, things that were said after DD, etc. I don't want to talk about it any more w/my husband because we have already talked about it and gone over it, so it is not anything I need information on. It is information I aready have and it makes me sick to think about it.


I already accepted that it happened and I have forgiven him (he still has not forgiven himself), and I am not changing that or how I feel about is. It is just these triggers one right after the other - dates - that bring everything back up. It sucks. It's not false R, its not me changing my mind, its not that I have had my head in the sand or not really realized what happened, it's not that I have any doubts - none of that - it just sucks.

I feel like I am defensive and I don't want to feel like that. I don't have a reason to be at this point. I know I am strong and I am happy (all things considered) with our marriage and the progress and life we are rebuilding, but I feel at times that this is kicking my a$$. Is this normal for first year out and first cycle?
Could this be your intuition talking to you some how.

I know my wife was this way while I was in my affair. She thought we were in R five years after learning I had been visiting a particular prostitute regularly.

I stopped when caught, but five years later, lost control again and succumbed to a women who came on to me in a sexually aggressive way.

My wife seemed down in the dumps and I thought she knew but she didn't. It was just her intuition.

I hope he learned his lesson. I did not, and now I am living alone and miss my wife terribly.
 

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Im 3 years in R with my WH and yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had a bill collector call me about a debt that I was disputing so I had to look back over 6 years of bank statements. I had to relive the years he was living away from home and doing his own thing, right there on paper. I was so sad and upset all day I wanted to run away!

I dont think these things ever totally leave you, they just get easier to deal with as time goes on. To the point that eventually you dont even think about them ( I HOPE!).
I am sorry to hear this.

I hate myself for hurting my wife.

I am praying to god that there is a genetic predisposition to cheating to explain my compulsion to doing it again, even though I loved my wife.
 

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I'd say it's normal. I think the first trip around the calendar is the hardest because it's the "first" anniversary of anything associated with that date. The one year anniversary of D Day for us was a big deal, we turned it into a positive and productive day for us, but it was still very much a presence. The second anniversary of D Day we hardly noticed. We knew what day it was for sure, it just didn't matter much.

I'm speaking for my wife here but I'm confident she'd agree that the second year is significantly better than the first.
 

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From what I have read, it is normal to have these feelings on significant dates. I'm really sorry--that doesn't make it any easier. :(

I'm only a day shy of two weeks after DDay, so take that with a grain of salt. But I have been doing a lot of reading.
 

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Yes... Anti-versary dates suck. Still trigger me three years out. Also, just a head’s up. The second year can be rough. It’s the first year is just coming to terms at what happened and getting all the information. It’s when “the plan” for recovery is made. Rollercoaster and dealing with the trauma.

The second year is has a ton of reflection. Is the plan working? How do you feel? On top of that, you also start digging inwards... What kind of person am I that would take back a cheater? It’s also beyond that intense rollercoaster. So you aren’t so much just trying to stay sane, it’s thinking clearly without all that emotion. You will question the validity of the marriage again, particularly if your wayward hits a “comfort zone” and starts reverting to the old dynamics in the marriage. Your brain will be going: Is this it? Is this all he has to offer me now?

Just keep the faith and keep talking. You don’t want that old marriage again.
 

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Hang in there. It'll get better come December when she is totally out of the picture and the time moves on. He is really trying it seems. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow will be a better day.
 

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Quote of LookingForTheSun (LFTS)
Even my eldest’s bday last year was tainted and I don't want to think about it because I know he talked to OW for an hour that day on his way home. We just celebrated her birthday this year and it was great. I barely had time to think about it and I feel really good - something great that we did together and I can look back at this birthday and have good memories. I think next years bday I will be totally fine. I just have about 30 other dates to make it through before then.
LFTS
Get mad, I mean freaking fighting mad on those dates. Especially your child’s BD. I am not talking about getting mad at your husband (He sounds like a real truthful R person). I am talking about the fact that this stab in the heart day(s) are trying to take away your joy. When those dates come get pumped up, get prepared to do battle and just force your mind to beat the shyt out of those evil memories.


If your husband wants to help then tell him to make some GREAT memories on those days so that the bad memories are snuffed out. I hope that he realizes how important that is to you and helps you slay the dragon. If he is not able to completely do this then you do not stop with what you can do. After all, a lot of this is going to be on you to defeat the dragon. Fair? NOPE, but don’t think about fair think about WINNING!

On your child’s birthdays concentrate on all the good memories your child has brought you; the glow in your child’s face in the crib, the first steps, the hugs, all the warm times. Let those warm times just stomp the shyt out of the evil memoires that are trying to rob your victory and blessings from God.

Sorry for the cuss words but this is fighting fire with fire.

LFTS
I think that you and your husband are one of the bright shinning stars of this R business. You may get pummeled from time to time but you seem to have the evil of betrayal on the ropes and wobbly. Wipe the blood off your face and attack every time you are able! We are on the sidelines cheering!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks all - good to know that I am still "normal" in this. I don't doubt us at all, and he has gone above and beyond on these "dates" to make sure it is great and filled with lots of happy memories and smiles and to show that he knows that while he can never take back what he did, he will try to replace bad memories with good. He acknowledges the dates. Next week - OMG - will be tough. The dates she was out here, the date I buried my brother...just a lot. I know he feels it. He sent my dad an email yesterday again to acknowledge my brothers death and to again apologize for everything. Betrayal is such an ugly thing and he sees it. I know he is dealing with his own triggers, some same dates and I am sure others that may stand out based on what they talked about. I know when he is triggering - over the last couple of weeks he will out of the blue send me a text saying how much he loves me and how sorry he is for what he did. I don't even ask, but just tell him that I love him too and to get back to work :)

I am very confident that we will come out of this a success as long as we can make it past the first year. Like I told him from the begining, we will either end up a tragedy or a great love story. I'm working on the love story - I still believe in love, pain and all.
 

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...and Mr. Blunt - your post made me cry - in a good way - yep - wipe the blood off my face and beat whatever is thrown my way. It would be nice to erase the last year from memory - but I do have so many good ones with my girls and I can't ignore those even though they come with pain attached. I even have a lot of good ones with my husband weaved in there since true R began. Fight like hell and pray for a little bit of heaven :)
 

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...and Mr. Blunt - your post made me cry - in a good way - yep - wipe the blood off my face and beat whatever is thrown my way. It would be nice to erase the last year from memory - but I do have so many good ones with my girls and I can't ignore those even though they come with pain attached. I even have a lot of good ones with my husband weaved in there since true R began. Fight like hell and pray for a little bit of heaven :)
AMEN sister!!! Had a rough night ourselves last night. So yeah, Im hoping for the little bit of heaven soon.
 

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I was having this EXACT conversation with another poster yesterday via PM. It's almost the same conversation! (Btw I like you're name better. I'd change mine if I could--I can't stop thinking about orphan Annie and that's not what I had in mind when I chose my name).

Hang in there. A lot of us are having these days. I'm the same re dates. If I can just make it through the next date... I think I may take a TAM break of two days, or a day, or maybe an hr lol b/c so many threads today, though full of good advice are just triggering a storm.

Hugs to all (and a HBD soon? To one poster.)
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I was having this EXACT conversation with another poster yesterday via PM. It's almost the same conversation! (Btw I like you're name better. I'd change mine if I could--I can't stop thinking about orphan Annie and that's not what I had in mind when I chose my name).

Hang in there. A lot of us are having these days. I'm the same re dates. If I can just make it through the next date... I think I may take a TAM break of two days, or a day, or maybe an hr lol b/c so many threads today, though full of good advice are just triggering a storm.

Hugs to all (and a HBD soon? To one poster.)
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MY H hates, Hates Hates my screen name for obvious reasons I guess. But It came to me right away when trying to come up with a name. I was typing w/o thinking almost. It was weird.

tomorrow, tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow....:D

And Thanks for theHBD. Next week. Kind of dreading it for obvious reasons.:(
 

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Stop singing that song! (I'm laughing so hard!) (Did I tell you OW is a "stunning redhead"? (Her words)) What was I thinking? Little orphan Annie --such a peach. The whole idea was that the Sun would come out from this oppressive darkness. So eager to post that first time I didn't think it through. So HBD next week! And someday if your husband is really good you can ask a Mod to change your name to Itrustyousortof and then graduate to itrustubutiverify. Hope it's a landmark goodie!

And OP, the other Sun with a cool name, helps to know this carousel is one we're all riding. I'm hoping we're all off the ride someday soon. Hang in there!
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I think I have some broken stuff in my noggin.

I couldnt resist opening this thread because I noticed the OP was named "lookingforthesun" and the last response was from someone named "thesunwillcomeout" at first I thought, lol... how cute.

Then that somehow transitioned to "I wonder if 'the sun will come out' was a user profile made by the DS to influence whoever 'looking for the sun' is....

Fruck, this whole process will bend your perspective of the world.

I sure would like to think like a normal person again someday.

Sigh...
 

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Stop singing that song! (I'm laughing so hard!) (Did I tell you OW is a "stunning redhead"? (Her words)) What was I thinking? Little orphan Annie --such a peach. The whole idea was that the Sun would come out from this oppressive darkness. So eager to post that first time I didn't think it through. So HBD next week! And someday if your husband is really good you can ask a Mod to change your name to Itrustyousortof and then graduate to itrustubutiverify. Hope it's a landmark goodie!

And OP, the other Sun with a cool name, helps to know this carousel is one we're all riding. I'm hoping we're all off the ride someday soon. Hang in there!
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thaTs Hilarious!!!!!! How about trustubutgottaVAR??? or trustusomewhat.....:rofl:

"a stunning redhead" eh? How very confident of her. In her description did she mention "ho" anywhere? "homewrecker"?? Just curious. I wondered if she put those descriptions at the top or bottom of her resume'....:rofl:
 

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I think I have some broken stuff in my noggin.

I couldnt resist opening this thread because I noticed the OP was named "lookingforthesun" and the last response was from someone named "thesunwillcomeout" at first I thought, lol... how cute.

Then that somehow transitioned to "I wonder if 'the sun will come out' was a user profile made by the DS to influence whoever 'looking for the sun' is....

Fruck, this whole process will bend your perspective of the world.

I sure would like to think like a normal person again someday.

Sigh...
Oh Ive given up on thinking like a 'normal' person EVER again. I have fully embraced my warped head.

On that subject when I first came here I saw your name and thought it said Put-it-0n-my-stomach at first glance. And I was like WTH? Put what on his stomach....:rofl:

Yeah, this breaks your brain.
 
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