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Discussion Starter #1
(see prior posts for background)

Thursday Shell and I went to dinner and spent time talking. She listened more than anything, but responded and affirmed some of the things that I was saying. At the end of the evening, she said that she believed that I was sincere in my commitment, she agrees that the commitments that I have promised would have a positive impact on our family, and that she has NOT made a final decision. She also said that she has spent a lot of time working up to making the decision she did, and it is going to take her some time to be willing to reverse that decision and take another chance on me.

Friday, she told me that the kids wanted to spend the night at my place (I am staying in a spare room in my office). So, I picked up the kids and they came to the office and stayed with me again.

Saturday I took the kids back home and spend all day Saturday with her and the kids. She and I went shopping alone, we took the kids to dinner, played Wii until 1 AM, and then we slept in each other’s arms for the whole night. We also had some conversation about our marriage, but kept that at a minimum. One thing I did tell her was that, if she decided to reconcile, then I would want to spend spring break traveling to OH so I can sit down and look her mom and sister and anyone else in the eyes and explain what changes I have made and beg for everyone’s support and forgiveness. Then, I want to go to VA and sit down with my mom and explain many of the bad decisions that I have made (she doesn’t know about the “smoking” or many other bad decisions) and what I have done to change. My mom loves Shell VERY much, and ONLY wants us to be together and happy as a family.

Sunday, we worked on getting Christmas stuff packed away, played more Wii, took a nap together, and then she told me that she did not want me to stay the night again, and that she needed space. I asked her about the extent of her relationship with OM, and she initially refused to respond. I told her that I understood and accepted that she has a relationship with him, and that the details of their relationship is not what is important to me to know, but I asked if her relationship with him had any impact on her decisions about us. She said no. I asked her if she decided to reconcile with me, would there be ANY challenge with ending her relationship with OM, and she said no, she didn’t see that relationship as a long term thing anyways. I accept that answer because I have no other choice, but I hope that she is real about how that relationship impacts her decisions.

I thought I lost my Blackberry Sunday night, and drove to the house at 6:30 AM yesterday morn to grab another phone to change my service to. When I was using her phone to call my phone to see if I was missing it in the van, I saw that she had spent about an hour on the phone with OM Sunday night. It hurt, but I have come to accept that she spends time with him, so I resist almost vey temptation to address it when I see evidence of their continued relationship. I know what it feels like to be so unhappy that you turn to someone other than your spouse for love and support. The ONLY thing that I have firmly requested and that she agreed to a while back is that she NOT spend time with him at the house without his kids or after the kids bedtime. The last time that happened (last Sunday) my 9-d called me at 9:45 at night sobbing that she missed me. That call KILLED me, and that was even BEFORE I found out why she was so upset. I found out the next day that the reason that she was so sad was because he was at the house without his kids, and when I talked to 9-d, 8-s, and 18-d, they told me that they don’t like him being there without his kids. We had IM chat throughout the rest of the day, and it felt like the weekend together had helped.

Today, has been a rough day. I was a sentence or thought away from being in tears all day. My anxiety was really bad. I just couldn’t shake the feelings of regret and horrible sadness. I am also 5 days into stopping “smoking”. I went into Pace and spent the evening with the kids (like I do every even day and many odd days too). 8-s had scouts, and Shell got home from work and the gym around 9 and I told her I was having a really sad day, and she gave me a long hug and I left. Cried all the way to the office, and here I sit.

I have seen a few glimmers of hope from her this past week. I don’t know if it is real, or if she is “trying to be nice and gentle”, but I know that the only way I will ever be able to have another chance if by spending time and effort and focus being the best husband and father I can be. It is just really tough to also have to face the fact that she may be too far gone to be willing to give me another chance. So, that’s where things stand today.

Can anyone please share some perspectives regarding anything I have shared?
 

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You are trying really hard and doing really well - I think.
But the anxiety from this situation will get to you and I worry for your sake about that.
She is not allowed to have two men at once - I just don't get that bit...and I know that you have remorse but I don't see how that excuses her behaviour ....

only you know the real dynamics
but it seems like dangerous territory to me -

I know what you are saying and I admire you for understanding that the important issue is you and her and not her and OM - but even so - you are effectively letting her choose ....

I understand - but -
I feel as though she is having her cake and eating it too at the moment...
 

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In her mind right now, things may never move forward from this point, because why would she want them to? She has two men right now in her life and while it hurts you you stated you accept the fact that the two of them have a relationship? If you come across as ok with it she won't do anything about it. Just a thought. You might want to put your foot down on this issue and if it pisses her off it pisses her off.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
One of the things that I have expressed to her is that I feel like a quarterback that has done a HORRIBLE job, and I have not done what I should have as a husband. That's not regret or remorse talking... that's just reality. I feel like I have been benched, and I am trying to keep practicing and hope to be able to take a few more snaps to prove my worth. I have asked her to not trade me off the team, but to keep allowing me to refine my skills and earn the spot of lead quarterback back.

I know what it is like to be so unhappy that you turn to another person for love and comfort... I had an affair 4 years ago. It took me several months to see that my family was the most important thing to me, and although I moved back towards my family, I continued to make some decisions that were self serving and selfish (living my life for my friends instead of my wife, being a better friend to many that a husband to one, and an addiction that I justified for way too long). I don't feel these things because of my loss... and I have made the conscious decision to change my ways (6 days sober today).

I know that her relationship with OM hurts and is devastating, and I will always remember that pain, but my options are to either walk away from my wife and family and let things happen, or make changes that will have a significant positive impact on my marriage and my family, be willing to forgive and move forward, and show her I am ableto make the changes that I am making in my life. She has said that she DOES see those changes, and that gives me hope. She also makes decisions to spend time with ME (6 of the 7 days last week) instead of OM. I do not know how much time she still spends with OM, but she is my wife… the most important person to me in the world… and I am just not ready today to stop fighting to get her back.

Many have said that I have to take each day or even each hour one at a time, and make the decisions that feel right now, and see what tomorrow brings. I will NOT stop trying until I see that there is no chance left, I just fear that I am blinded by the pain and regret and hope of a better tomorrow. I am only 1 week into realizing a lot of my bad decisions and making the decision to change my ways. It took her a long time to make the decision to end our marriage, and it will take time for her to change that decision. However, every time she turns to me for strength, and every time she asks ME to spend time with her when she could spend time with anyone else, it gives me hope. I don’t know her to be a person who has any desire to give me false hope… she never has before. It just feels that if I don’t make the changes that I KNOW are best for my marriage and family, and just sit back and do the same things I have been doing, then she will have no reason to believe that I am willing or capable of making those changes, and the end is a virtual certainty. I am not willing to accept the end is inevitable. I accept that if I am going to refuse to make the changes that I need to make as a man and as a husband, she will have no reason to ever believe that things will be better, and that will certainly bring an end to the one relationship that is MOST important to me… my marriage.

I don’t know that my actions will lead to a positive outcome. I won’t know that until we move back together or until I feel that there is no more hope. I am just not ready to stop believing her when she says that she has not made a final decision, and I KNOW in my heart that no one else in the world can make her as happy as I have in the past. I just hope that she finds that the husband I want to be and am working to be is the one she wants to move forward with.

KNortoh - As far as letting her choose... I can't take away her ability to choose. I can only remove the option to choose me, and I don't feel that is the right decision today.

Am I delusional?
 

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thebesman-I just have to say I admire your ability to still be there for your wife! It shows your dedication. I don't think you are delusional at all.

If she doesn't come around at least you will know you have tried all that you could have. People make mistakes and there is nothing you can do to change what happened in the past. It is great you are going to change, sometimes it takes something big to make us truly see the error of our ways. Just make sure to do the changing for you or else it will be in vain.

You are the only person who can truly know/feel that you are doing the right or wrong thing. It is so easy for someone on the outside to say, move on or stay and work it out but when emotions are involved things get complicated.

Good luck :).
 

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Hey I understand
you sound clear
and dedicated
I am really hoping you guys have another chance - sounds like you have been through a whole lot already...
keep us posted.
 
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