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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi guys, I want to ask if anyone here had/has a possessive and insecure partner? I have a friend that is having some problems with his gf, but I don't really know what to tell him...

They have been together for 2 years, and are living together for a year. Things were nice at the beginning, but she has always been insecure and emotional. What my friend is unhappy about is that she is being controlling with his freedom, not letting him to have his own time when they are home, and not wanting him to go out with his friends even if it's just once in a while. She doesn't go out with her own friends, and she also doesn't seem to have anything to do by her own, so that she would say that he is selfish if he wants to do his own stuffs. They end up watching TV, series or doing house chores together.
My friend often avoids confrontations and prefers to let her "win" rather than fight. He is uncomfortable with all the emotional conflicts.

I've told him that by letting her "win" all the time, even if he's right, would only make her not respect him as well as being more and more controlling and needing to "win". Also, that he should not give in with things that he likes or that matters, like going out with his own friends.
Also, a relationship has to be from both sides, that she also has to work with her own insecurities instead of controlling her bf's needs.

We both think that we shouldn't give up relationships easily without trying to fix things... But I don't really have much idea of what he can do, and the only idea I have is that my friend must not give in all the time and be more confident and not avoid conflicts.

So I wonder if anyone here can give me more ideas? Specially if you have been in similar situations.

*edited* I've posted in the women's section too, since I want to ask men about what they did in similar situations, and ask women how my friend can approach his gf in the best way to be able to solve the issue together. The post in women's ection: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/65041-too-possessive-insecure-girlfriend.html#post1350658
 

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She has been cheated on, or she is much less attractive. Simple as that.

It's fixable if they are a close match in looks for her and looks+$ for him (1pt or less different, objectively). Example: underwear model girl 10 and male doctor 8... or laborer guy 5 and chubby girl 5... or wall street guy 8 and Victoria model 9... or girl cow 2 and bald jobless guy 3. Those are all good, plausible matches. I'm dead serious. IF they are matches in the looks/$ dept (money counts much more for guys than women btw), then she just has jealousy since she has just been cheated on. To fix it, he need to give her open boundaries until she trusts him. He needs to let her have his facebook pw, check his phone, etc. It's ultimately HER crap to fix and get over (have her read Just Friends and go to solo therapy if necessary), but he can help her if he loves her.

If she's insecure just because she's inferior in the looks dept compared with him, then he should end it. That will only get worse... she will develop vices, go on psych meds, etc. Have him tell her he's not looking for a serious relationship (don't add the "with you" ending, though).

As an aside, she could also have major abuse/neglect problems that you don't really wanna rehab. You can do it for single moms, but if it's childhood stuff and she's been making bad decisions ever since, DO absolutely see the big red flags flying. That insecurity and impulsiveness tends to last a lifetime. Sad but true. Read "Married Man Sex Primer," and don't be Captain Save-A-Ho. It's a fools errand... no matter how good she may be in the sack. Everyone makes their choices in life... Some women were just destined to be crazy cat ladies.

GL
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I guess that their looks matches, they both have normal looks and are fit.

I can't remember if this is her first relationship (it's my friend's second one), but it sounds like she has high expectations of how a bf should be.
 
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I've had this basically happening in my relationship. I've had no prior relationship and to be honest I absolutely did not expect that would happen. My girlfriend started to have problems with business like my friends, things I did, whatever. It's a rather suffocating and smothering situation. I just didn't know what to say without making a fuss. I should've known that a fuss is unavoidable as people with severe insecurity and control issues are going to make a fuss about changes anyway.

In the end I just told her I needed more time apart and I was already making a plan to break up. Luckily she changed a lot shortly after and we're still together now.

It's a toxic situation. Either the guy is going to break at a certain point or he has to stick it out in a situation that's not going to make him happy. Neither way it's going to bring the relationship anything good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
So I guess that he either stands his ground and she changes, or he accepts the situation... I hope that he can really find out by himself what is the best thing to do. He is not really a social butterfly, but not having at least some freedom and having someone constantly make him feel bad for wanting some freedom is not a really happy situation. :(
 

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He's obviously not uncomfortable enough.
This is a life lesson. You could hands down tell him exactly how this thing ends, and what he needs to do to prevent it.

And he won't do it.

He has to live it.
Predict what will happen then make fun of him when it happens. Maybe he'll do things just to stop being mocked by his peers.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Predict what will happen then make fun of him when it happens. Maybe he'll do things just to stop being mocked by his peers.
He's not the type that would give up on a relationship just coz his friends mocks him. And I also don't like to do things like this. I think that he's already conscious of what could happen, it's just he is not sure if he should really give up, try to fix things or just let it be. Many people needs to decide by themselves after experiencing a situation for some time. I'm hoping to help him find a way to try to fix it, although I also hope that he can have enough strength to leave it if things are hardly fixable.
 

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This story has been told thousands upon thousands of times.

Odds are that his woman is aware that he wants to have sexual relations with you, and it is you she wants to keep him from.
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
This story has been told thousands upon thousands of times.

Odds are that his woman is aware that he wants to have sexual relations with you, and it is you she wants to keep him from.
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It has nothing to do with me. Despite him being one of my few life friends, we have never been romantically interested in each other, and now we rarely contact or see each other (only have lunch together in rare occasions).
The ones she is keeping him away from are his male friends (from the same university they both went to), with whom he wants to hang out more often.
 

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As a rule, a well documented and proven rule, men don't have platonic friendships with women. In nearly every case, they would sleep with her if given the chance.

Don't fool yourself.
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
As a rule, a well documented and proven rule, men don't have platonic friendships with women. In nearly every case, they would sleep with her if given the chance.

Don't fool yourself.
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Are you talking about possible sexual attraction? For that, anyone denying its existence is just being naive. And I won't deny the possibility that my friend can be sexually attracted to me. But do men or women sleep with friends to whom they feel slightest attraction? Not really. Many knows the difference between feeling some sexual attraction and actually wanting to act upon it. Many only act on sexual attraction if they are only romantically interested in them and if they are available.

So I'd say that saying that a committed man/woman would sleep with his/her attractive friends in any given chance is only justifying some people's lack of self control and restraint. And how these people don't really love their own partners.
People who are committed don't just end all their friendships with the opposite sex. They can learn how to manage and keep the minimum distance and boundaries with their opposite sex friends.
 

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Originally posted by ShawnD:
He's not the type that would give up on a relationship just coz his friends mocks him.
  • ShawnD is NEVER serious.
  • He apparently thinks TAM is a joke and he's here for the VERY cheap laughs.
  • New posters don't know he thinks he's hilarious; people who've been here a while just learn to ignore him.
As others have pointed out, there IS no way to fix this short of actually CONFRONTING the problem. Since your friend is uncomfortable with confrontation and 'emotions', he will just keep giving in until he either marries her and grows ever more resentful, OR brings it up in an EXPLOSIVE manner when he can no longer stand her smothering and the relationship ends....loudly and badly.

If he would address it properly, maturely, immediately, he might be able to rectify the situation.
 
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