[jlg07]

Yes, I try to look at it in the same way. Even though I was ready and prepared as I could be for children, having her decide to run off with them would have made this situation much worse. And I appreciate the words of encouragement. I feel like I know what I should/have to do, even as hard as it may seem.

Think of this -- knowing what you know now, would you really WANT kids with her? So her, IF she has kids with someone else, is now THEIR problem.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

Think of this -- knowing what you know now, would you really WANT kids with her? So her, IF she has kids with someone else, is now THEIR problem.

Yeah, thats about the only way I can think think about it. It would have been a nightmare I'm sure. Not to toot my own horn but I already pulled the majority of the weight in the relationship, unless having a child changed her I can't imagine that would change.

I'm not a bitter or resentful person but I am having difficulty with hoping this affair/new relationship ends in disaster. It just seems wildly unjust how everything happened.

 

[joannacroc]

Sounds like you have some wonderful things you want to explore. Wouldn't worry too much about meeting other people just yet. Do things that make you happy like the trail running you're planning! Since you're single, you could try joining some meetup groups in nearby cities or towns, just to make some friends and widen your circle a bit. That way you have more friends.

When I was first separated I used my weekends to visit old friends who have moved to other cities and it was amazing to reconnect with them. When you are in a relationship you often put the partner first which is normal but if it's at the exclusion of having friends and traveling, or having leisure time if that's what you like to do, then that's not good. Sounds like you have a great list of things that will keep you active and healthy. Courage! 33 is young still. You have plenty of time to meet someone. If they are a quality person they will appreciate a man with hobbies and friends, and would want to wait until a while after a divorce anyway. Focus on you and doing the internal work you need to do to feel happy and confident again.

 

[Broken at 20]

Seems like your life is on an excellent path.

My main advice would be learn how to cook. It should help you on your fitness goals regarding working out, jujitsu, etc., And luckily the internet is free, so you don't need any cookbooks. But some of the best dishes I have made are things I cobbled together from stuff in my fridge (putting some bacon in a pan, searing the fat, then searing some broccoli with it - delicious!). There are plenty of sources for this.
But I would highly suggest being careful with the carb dishes. Mashed potatoes, rice, corn, the stuff that is just carbs tends to add quickly to the fat. And if you're cooking up delicious vegetable dishes or meats, those tend to have more salt and carbs and fat than you'd expect.
And if you're worried about losing out on some dating chances, take a picture of you cooking and put it on your platform of choice. It's definitely been the reason I've gotten some dates.

Regarding dating and you being in a small town, without knowing how big it is, the only way to actually expand your dating pool is probably to move somewhere with more people. Probably not what you want to hear, but that's the way it is. On the other hand, with a house, stable job, income (assuming it's average), good shape, and early 30's? I'd imagine you'd clean up.

 

[sokillme]

You're 33, you have lived about 10% of your adult life assuming you keep your health. You should not be worried about your pool of women yet. All it takes is one. Besides that you are SO much better off, what kind of life do you think you would have had with someone like you ex. She is going to be bouncing around her whole life. Her punishment is to be the kind of person she is, she is in for trouble.

Keep doing what your doing. You will be married in 5 years.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

Seems like your life is on an excellent path.

My main advice would be learn how to cook. It should help you on your fitness goals regarding working out, jujitsu, etc., And luckily the internet is free, so you don't need any cookbooks. But some of the best dishes I have made are things I cobbled together from stuff in my fridge (putting some bacon in a pan, searing the fat, then searing some broccoli with it - delicious!). There are plenty of sources for this.
But I would highly suggest being careful with the carb dishes. Mashed potatoes, rice, corn, the stuff that is just carbs tends to add quickly to the fat. And if you're cooking up delicious vegetable dishes or meats, those tend to have more salt and carbs and fat than you'd expect.
And if you're worried about losing out on some dating chances, take a picture of you cooking and put it on your platform of choice. It's definitely been the reason I've gotten some dates.

Regarding dating and you being in a small town, without knowing how big it is, the only way to actually expand your dating pool is probably to move somewhere with more people. Probably not what you want to hear, but that's the way it is. On the other hand, with a house, stable job, income (assuming it's average), good shape, and early 30's? I'd imagine you'd clean up.

The good news is I was the one who did the majority of the cooking (cleaning and laundry as well, she would deep clean like once a month but that's about it). Unless I was working and she had to coble something together. I actually eat extremely healthy and meal prep etc. I also smoke a lot of meats, which, isn't necessarily the best but some pulled pork with broccoli or a salad isn't that bad of a deal. My only vice is beer, craft or otherwise but I've been working on that. Not an alcoholic or anything, I just genuinely love going to breweries or having drinks with my friends. I have to stay pretty low carb or I will pack on the pounds. We were differently in that regard. She was naturally skinny and just wanted to eat fast food all the time, I cooked, ate healthy, and exercised as much as possible. She never worked out, and ate whatever she wanted. We even adopted a dog together and basically the poor guy wouldn't get walked unless I took him, which I do nightly.

As far as the town, its probably 12k people but the county is upwards of 50k. There's plenty of places to go to meet new people, and I have friends and family in the bigger cities so it's nothing to go hang out up there. It's just the logistics of meeting someone and I suppose at the point it would be a long distance relationship, which would be difficult. Only time will tell though.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

You're 33, you have lived about 10% of your adult life assuming you keep your health. You should not be worried about your pool of women yet. All it takes is one. Besides that you are SO much better off, what kind of life do you think you would have had with someone like you ex. She is going to be bouncing around her whole life. Her punishment is to be the kind of person she is, she is in for trouble.

Keep doing what your doing. You will be married in 5 years.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have focused more on what life would have been like if she had stuck around. It took me awhile to get past that because we really were great friends, liked the same music, shows, activities, traveling, etc. However she chose her path, I just have to press forward with mine and hope it works out. I have more than enough to keep me occupied and improve upon. Something I forgot to mention in my original post is I am currently remodeling the house and what was the guest room will now be my music room. I have a piano, guitar, and banjo that I can sort of play, but now I have the time to work towards actually learning them.

 

[jlg07]

The good thing is, with no kids or other entanglements, you never have to talk to her again (even IF her affair crashes and burns and she wants to come back). Move forward and don't look back.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

The good thing is, with no kids or other entanglements, you never have to talk to her again (even IF her affair crashes and burns and she wants to come back). Move forward and don't look back.

There's no going back at this point. The last conversation we had lasted about 10 seconds. She called to make sure I was doing okay, I picked up because I thought it might be important but it clearly wasn't so I just hung up on her.

Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?

 

[sokillme]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have focused more on what life would have been like if she had stuck around. It took me awhile to get past that because we really were great friends, liked the same music, shows, activities, traveling, etc. However she chose her path, I just have to press forward with mine and hope it works out. I have more than enough to keep me occupied and improve upon. Something I forgot to mention in my original post is I am currently remodeling the house and what was the guest room will now be my music room. I have a piano, guitar, and banjo that I can sort of play, but now I have the time to work towards actually learning them.

Look you are still pretty young, but I would ask you to reexamine what your thinking is regarding friendship. To me, someone who is older, what you described is someone who has the same interests that you do, that doesn't make a friend though. And truthfully "similar interests" is not that hard to find, particularly when you take into consideration today's social media. I mean hang out on any board and you can find people with similar taste. Now I am not saying this isn't important, but at the end of the day friendship is really about loyalty. Your wife didn't have that.

The more life you live the more you realize that change is a big part of that, sacrifice and being compassionate leads to better relationships and connection. It's not the same taste in music, those things change anyway. Life is like being in a foxhole, who do you want in there with you. The one who shares your taste in pop culture, or the one who is going to sacrifice and partner with you in your most challenging moments.

Now this may seem like an trivial post but it may also provide insight into why you picked her and if your priorities were correct. If it was me that would be part of what I am working on, as well as all the other great things you are doing. Character needs to be your top priority, because that is the thing that you can depend on.

And just looking at it impartially, does a friend do to another friend what she did to you? Then the next question is why do you keep calling her your friend?

 

[hubbyintrubby]

Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?

Not. At. Freaking. All.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

Look you are still pretty young, but I would ask you to reexamine what your thinking is regarding friendship. To me, someone who is older, what you described is someone who has the same interests that you do, that doesn't make a friend though. And truthfully "similar interests" is not that hard to find, particularly when you take into consideration today's social media. I mean hang out on any board and you can find people with similar taste. Now I am not saying this isn't important, but at the end of the day friendship is really about loyalty. Your wife didn't have that.

The more life you live the more you realize that change is a big part of that, sacrifice and being compassionate leads to better relationships and connection. It's not the same taste in music, those things change anyway. Life is like being in a foxhole, who do you want in there with you. The one who shares your taste in pop culture, or the one who is going to sacrifice and partner with you in your most challenging moments.

Now this may seem like an trivial post but it may also provide insight into why you picked her and if your priorities were correct. If it was me that would be part of what I am working on, as well as all the other great things you are doing. Character needs to be your top priority, because that is the thing that you can depend on.

And just looking at it impartially, does a friend do to another friend what she did to you? Then the next question is why do you keep calling her your friend?

I understand what you are saying. I am speaking the past tense, I felt that way about her at the time but not anymore due to the reasons you described. I no longer feel that way about her at all, if I feel anything for her (disgust that she chose this path?). I will be far more cautious next time around without being too jaded. One of the realities I overlooked is we came from two entirely different families. My parents were married young and never divorced. Her parents, one has been married five times I believe? The other three. She has a ton of siblings from all these different marriages, whereas I only have one. Two completely different upbringings. I'm not sure if this had an affect on anything but I don't think it is unreasonable to believe it could have.

 

[Diana7]

I do plan to leave it for awhile. I can't help but be curious about my situation though and what the future holds. All my friends have told me when the time comes look at 25-30 but I don't know.

Well why not consider a woman of you own age as well? Maybe 25-35? I dont know why men think they must look for a younger women. I met my husband on line and he is slightly younger than me, so I am glad he didnt dismiss me for that. Happily married now for 15 years. Another lady I know met her husband on line, he is 7 years younger than her, they are very happy.

 

[Diana7]

You're 33, you have lived about 10% of your adult life assuming you keep your health. You should not be worried about your pool of women yet. All it takes is one. Besides that you are SO much better off, what kind of life do you think you would have had with someone like you ex. She is going to be bouncing around her whole life. Her punishment is to be the kind of person she is, she is in for trouble.

Keep doing what your doing. You will be married in 5 years.

10%? So he will live to be more than 130? More like 25%

 

[Diana7]

I understand what you are saying. I am speaking the past tense, I felt that way about her at the time but not anymore due to the reasons you described. I no longer feel that way about her at all, if I feel anything for her (disgust that she chose this path?). I will be far more cautious next time around without being too jaded. One of the realities I overlooked is we came from two entirely different families. My parents were married young and never divorced. Her parents, one has been married five times I believe? The other three. She has a ton of siblings from all these different marriages, whereas I only have one. Two completely different upbringings. I'm not sure if this had an affect on anything but I don't think it is unreasonable to believe it could have.

Wow so she didnt really have much hope of never getting divorced with such awful role models. 8 times between them???

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

Well why not consider a woman of you own age as well? Maybe 25-35? I dont know why men think they must look for a younger women. I met my husband on line and he is slightly younger than me, so I am glad he didnt dismiss me for that. Happily married now for 15 years. Another lady I know met her husband on line, he is 7 years younger than her, they are very happy.

I wouldn't dismiss anyone older than myself based on age. It's probably a geographic thing for me. The town I'm from most women over 30 already have multiple kids and quite frankly have not taken good care of themselves. I'm just being honest, I know a lot of ladies my age and its not good. But if someone is out there I wouldn't dismiss them due to age for one moment.

 

[Diana7]

There's no going back at this point. The last conversation we had lasted about 10 seconds. She called to make sure I was doing okay, I picked up because I thought it might be important but it clearly wasn't so I just hung up on her.

Is it petty of me to hope the affair does crash and burn?

Well whether its petty or not it more than likely will, as most affairs do.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

Wow so she didnt really have much hope of never getting divorced with such awful role models. 8 times between them???

I believe so but I'm not sure on the actual count. The mother may not have married a couple but still had children with them. I would say 4-5 marriages easy though.

 

[Mr. Nail]

I think it is great that you are so positive. Statistically you should wait about nine months before dating. I'd say until you finish that second Masters degree. Me, I'd never have the heart to do what you want to do. One marriage is All I have in me.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

Well whether its petty or not it more than likely will, as most affairs do.

I guess only time will tell. I won't know either way unless someone reaches out to me and lets me know. I've removed her from every aspect of my life at this point. Her family does love me though and still reaches out everyone once in a while, so I'd imagine through their social media or something like that I would find out what eventually happens. The only way I could see it working out for them is that she has to make it work. I'm not sure she could support herself at this point and as drastic of a life change as this is she can't be wrong or it will end extremely bad. She dropped everything to move states away with someone she dated 8-9 years ago. She told me she was just trying to move on from him the entire time she was with me (for 7 years!). Seems insane to me but they are convinced they are "soul mates" or something.