[wellwhatnow2021]

Hello, I (33m) am at the tail end of a divorce that has went relatively smoothly. I can be thankful for that at the very least. I will keep this brief. I have been with my wife for about 7 years but only married for 3. About two months ago my wife began acting strangely. I suspected something was going on but couldn't quite figure it out. Eventually I found out that she had reconnected with someone from her past and they were having an emotional affair (he lives states away). She lied repeatedly about this even though I caught her. She told me that they were soulmates and even though her life with me was "perfect" and she loved me, she wasn't "in love" with me. I believe this to be partially true because even she admits that we were best friends, and sometimes it felt like that. I believe this line is easier for her to say than she had an affair but that doesn't matter. Regardless, I filed for divorce because she said she was 100% sure it is what she wanted. She went off to be with this other guy and while I waited around (not really hopeful but just waited for common sense to prevail). Once I had found out they had been together that pretty well wrapped things up for me and the divorce should go through any day now. The entire thing is extremely sad because not but two months prior to this we were planning a family. My entire future as I knew it was flipped upside down.

Anyway, so now I am left essentially starting my life over. Which, I wouldn't see as a problem but I feel like 33 is a weird age to be doing so. The good news is I own a home, have a stable job, all my friends and family still live around, and I am in good health. I have a plan and would like some input from everyone. I plan to do everything that I wasn't able to do while I was married (I put about 90% of the work into the relationship). Starting off I've been going to the gym and lifting again (about five times a week). I've started trail running, will soon buy a mountain bike, been hiking quite a bit, shooting my bow, and plan to start JuJitsu soon. I have certain goals this year like run a marathon, travel, and start my second masters degree. My hang-up and two main concerns are that I am going to spend so much time focusing on myself and these things, that as time passes and I get older my pool of women to date will get smaller and smaller. I am not concerned with dating right now, but I also don't want to miss out on someone because I'm galivanting around. My second main concern is that I live in a relatively small town. While I haven't been looking because I've had a partner for 7 years, the options do seem extremely grim. Considering my family, friends, job, and whole life are here I fear I am going to have to move and leave it all behind. Any advice on any of the above would be appreciated.

 

[Emerging Buddhist]

You seem to have all in your favor in the present... why not just enjoy that for a bit and let your worries be replaced by enjoying life in the healthy ways you have shared?

That will resonate attraction coming and going...

If you think 33 is weird, try it at 55 😉

 

[jlg07]

You sound like you are on the right track. Right now, you should be focusing on YOU and not worry about dating. You will need time to get over the crap that your wife pulled.
If you feel the need, get some counseling, but honestly, it sounds like you have it figured out -- her cheating was 100% on her and NOT anything you did.
Women will still be around (33! SH*T son, you have plenty of time!).
You may need to expand your geography a bit -- are you willing to drive a bit further to meet women? BUT don't worry about it now. Get yourself together so that you will be a nice attractive package for when you DO get around to dating again.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

You seem to have all in your favor in the present... why not just enjoy that for a bit and let your worries be replaced by enjoying life in the healthy ways you have shared?

That will resonate attraction coming and going...

If you think 33 is weird, try it at 55 😉

Yeah, I'm just going to do everything I can to improve upon myself. The whole situation is extremely weird and unsettling but it happened and I just simply have to press forward.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

You sound like you are on the right track. Right now, you should be focusing on YOU and not worry about dating. You will need time to get over the crap that your wife pulled.
If you feel the need, get some counseling, but honestly, it sounds like you have it figured out -- her cheating was 100% on her and NOT anything you did.
Women will still be around (33! SH*T son, you have plenty of time!).
You may need to expand your geography a bit -- are you willing to drive a bit further to meet women? BUT don't worry about it now. Get yourself together so that you will be a nice attractive package for when you DO get around to dating again.

Yeah that's what I'm going to do. The stuff my wife pulled was extremely obnoxious. I couldn't hardly figure it out at first because I pretty much paid all the bills, did a majority of the cooking and cleaning, planned the trips, etc. Just really carried the relationship. Not that I'm without flaw, but I really tried to make things work, and we really were best friends that enjoy almost the exact same things. I couldn't figure out what on earth she was thinking and then I realized she was just moving straight to the next guy. We will see how that works out for them.

And once I get myself together I plan to meet women in other cities. Unless a miracle falls from the sky I cannot see there being anyone around here for me at my age. There's a few decent sized cities within an hour or so of driving. I can go there and date around, but I just do not know to what end. Also I'm not even sure what age range I should be looking at.

 

[Diana7]

Yeah that's what I'm going to do. The stuff my wife pulled was extremely obnoxious. I couldn't hardly figure it out at first because I pretty much paid all the bills, did a majority of the cooking and cleaning, planned the trips, etc. Just really carried the relationship. Not that I'm without flaw, but I really tried to make things work, and we really were best friends that enjoy almost the exact same things. I couldn't figure out what on earth she was thinking and then I realized she was just moving straight to the next guy. We will see how that works out for them.

And once I get myself together I plan to meet women in other cities. Unless a miracle falls from the sky I cannot see there being anyone around here for me at my age. There's a few decent sized cities within an hour or so of driving. I can go there and date around, but I just do not know to what end. Also I'm not even sure what age range I should be looking at.

If you are 33, then say late 20's to early 30's? As other have said though, leave it a while.

 

[jlg07]

So, why not start with +/- 5 years -- means you both grew up with pretty much the same "things" (tv, movies, music, etc.).
At least it should give you a place to start.

 

[happyhusband0005]

Hello, I (33m) am at the tail end of a divorce that has went relatively smoothly. I can be thankful for that at the very least. I will keep this brief. I have been with my wife for about 7 years but only married for 3. About two months ago my wife began acting strangely. I suspected something was going on but couldn't quite figure it out. Eventually I found out that she had reconnected with someone from her past and they were having an emotional affair (he lives states away). She lied repeatedly about this even though I caught her. She told me that they were soulmates and even though her life with me was "perfect" and she loved me, she wasn't "in love" with me. I believe this to be partially true because even she admits that we were best friends, and sometimes it felt like that. I believe this line is easier for her to say than she had an affair but that doesn't matter. Regardless, I filed for divorce because she said she was 100% sure it is what she wanted. She went off to be with this other guy and while I waited around (not really hopeful but just waited for common sense to prevail). Once I had found out they had been together that pretty well wrapped things up for me and the divorce should go through any day now. The entire thing is extremely sad because not but two months prior to this we were planning a family. My entire future as I knew it was flipped upside down.

Anyway, so now I am left essentially starting my life over. Which, I wouldn't see as a problem but I feel like 33 is a weird age to be doing so. The good news is I own a home, have a stable job, all my friends and family still live around, and I am in good health. I have a plan and would like some input from everyone. I plan to do everything that I wasn't able to do while I was married (I put about 90% of the work into the relationship). Starting off I've been going to the gym and lifting again (about five times a week). I've started trail running, will soon buy a mountain bike, been hiking quite a bit, shooting my bow, and plan to start JuJitsu soon. I have certain goals this year like run a marathon, travel, and start my second masters degree. My hang-up and two main concerns are that I am going to spend so much time focusing on myself and these things, that as time passes and I get older my pool of women to date will get smaller and smaller. I am not concerned with dating right now, but I also don't want to miss out on someone because I'm galivanting around. My second main concern is that I live in a relatively small town. While I haven't been looking because I've had a partner for 7 years, the options do seem extremely grim. Considering my family, friends, job, and whole life are here I fear I am going to have to move and leave it all behind. Any advice on any of the above would be appreciated.

What to do at 33 after divorcing a cheating wife. Las Vegas, Hookers, Cocaine.

IN all seriousness, Is there a bigger town or city somewhat close by you could move to and keep you current Job until you find something new in the city. Even if you have a long commute you could spend the time listen to self improvement audiobooks or podcasts or learn a new language during the drive.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

You're not starting your life over. Maybe it would help to see this time as just starting a new chapter in your life. I concur with the dudes above that say focus on yourself right now. 33 is young and you have years to find another partner, settle down, start that family you were talking about. Find things you love to do and do them. Find things you weren't "allowed" to do in the past and do them. Get that bike, keep running those trails. Improve yourself in every way imaginable right now and in time, you'll find that lucky woman and you'll be ready for her.

 

[Rowan]

OP, I divorced at 36. I lived in a small town and when I was ready to date again I quickly realized that I already knew all the singletons in my age bracket - and their parents, siblings, exes, children, grandparents, and their entire histories from around age 10. So, I knew that dating locally wasn't going to work for me. I already knew the options and wasn't interested in any of them.

I found online dating to be a great option. It allowed me to meet folks in the two larger cities nearby (like you, about an hour away) that I wouldn't have met otherwise. If you are smart and careful with your profile, filters, and selection criteria, then online dating can be a great way to gain introduction to people you wouldn't otherwise have met. If you'd rather meet someone more organically, then I'd recommend joining Meetup (it's not a dating/hookup site), volunteering, or joining hobby or civic groups.

But, honestly, just go be happily single for at least a year. Work on yourself and any of your own issues that might potentially be problematic in a healthy future relationship. Then you'll be in a good position to find another healthy person who can be a great partner to you. In the adult dating world, everyone has baggage. Get your own whittled down to a carry-on size and then find someone who has done the same.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

If you are 33, then say late 20's to early 30's? As other have said though, leave it a while.

I do plan to leave it for awhile. I can't help but be curious about my situation though and what the future holds. All my friends have told me when the time comes look at 25-30 but I don't know.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

OP, I divorced at 36. I lived in a small town and when I was ready to date again I quickly realized that I already knew all the singletons in my age bracket - and their parents, siblings, exes, children, grandparents, and their entire histories from around age 10. So, I knew that dating locally wasn't going to work for me. I already knew the options and wasn't interested in any of them.

I found online dating to be a great option. It allowed me to meet folks in the two larger cities nearby (like you, about an hour away) that I wouldn't have met otherwise. If you are smart and careful with your profile, filters, and selection criteria, then online dating can be a great way to gain introduction to people you wouldn't otherwise have met. If you'd rather meet someone more organically, then I'd recommend joining Meetup (it's not a dating/hookup site), volunteering, or joining hobby or civic groups.

But, honestly, just go be happily single for at least a year. Work on yourself and any of your own issues that might potentially be problematic in a healthy future relationship. Then you'll be in a good position to find another healthy person who can be a great partner to you. In the adult dating world, everyone has baggage. Get your own whittled down to a carry-on size and then find someone who has done the same.

Thank you for the advice, especially coming from another situation. I was planning on avoiding dating for 6 months even though I know a year is probably best. I think my fear with a year is that I will then be 34 and have less options as time goes by. Whether that is unrealistic or not I am not sure. I figured online dating would probably be the way to go because quite frankly there is nothing to do here other than go to local bars (or hiking and other outdoors things I do). There's multiple smaller towns around and then a couple big ones, I have a feeling if I were to live in a bigger city my perspective on this situation would be vastly different. But I really do not want to move.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

You're not starting your life over. Maybe it would help to see this time as just starting a new chapter in your life. I concur with the dudes above that say focus on yourself right now. 33 is young and you have years to find another partner, settle down, start that family you were talking about. Find things you love to do and do them. Find things you weren't "allowed" to do in the past and do them. Get that bike, keep running those trails. Improve yourself in every way imaginable right now and in time, you'll find that lucky woman and you'll be ready for her.

I've tried to think of it as something other than starting over. It's one of the things I am focused on is regearing the way I think about. I think the most unsettling part to all this is that two months ago she was trying to get pregnant, we were planning for the holidays, and already picking things out for a nursery etc. So that was what I thought my future was and it was turned completely upside down in the most horrific ways. Its very strange to think about. I try not to compare either but I she already started a new relationship before ours was even over and now she will probably go off and start a family with this new guy. So yeah, that may be part of the way I think about things, she is going to get what I wanted and I am left "starting over". Just going to have to make the best of it.

 

[Nailhead]

33 years young. Stable. Job. Home. Not to worry. You will find another....or...more like they will find you.

 

[Openminded]

I was just about twice your age when I divorced. I really wish that I had gotten out the first time I caught him. I was close to your age then with so much time ahead of me. You may not feel that fortunate at the moment but you absolutely are.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

I've tried to think of it as something other than starting over. It's one of the things I am focused on is regearing the way I think about. I think the most unsettling part to all this is that two months ago she was trying to get pregnant, we were planning for the holidays, and already picking things out for a nursery etc. So that was what I thought my future was and it was turned completely upside down in the most horrific ways. Its very strange to think about. I try not to compare either but I she already started a new relationship before ours was even over and now she will probably go off and start a family with this new guy. So yeah, that may be part of the way I think about things, she is going to get what I wanted and I am left "starting over". Just going to have to make the best of it.

If nothing else, see this as a blessing that she chose to take the path she did now, as opposed to AFTER you guys had any children. That would have made things 10x harder, maybe 100x harder. You're in a good place to make a fresh start now and it sounds like you know that. You're way ahead, light years ahead of where many other men on this site have been in your shoes.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

If nothing else, see this as a blessing that she chose to take the path she did now, as opposed to AFTER you guys had any children. That would have made things 10x harder, maybe 100x harder. You're in a good place to make a fresh start now and it sounds like you know that. You're way ahead, light years ahead of where many other men on this site have been in your shoes.

Yes, I try to look at it in the same way. Even though I was ready and prepared as I could be for children, having her decide to run off with them would have made this situation much worse. And I appreciate the words of encouragement. I feel like I know what I should/have to do, even as hard as it may seem.

 

[Rowan]

OP, I think you're far too concerned about being "too old" to date/marry again.

A 33/34 year old man should easily be able to date women in the upper 20s to lower 30s, if starting a family is something you are interested in. Being even older isn't really a problem, either. I saw plenty of guys when I was online dating who were in their low-mid 40s and looking for someone to start a family with.

 

[wellwhatnow2021]

OP, I think you're far too concerned about being "too old" to date/marry again.

A 33/34 year old man should easily be able to date women in the upper 20s to lower 30s, if starting a family is something you are interested in. Being even older isn't really a problem, either. I saw plenty of guys when I was online dating who were in their low-mid 40s and looking for someone to start a family with.

Thanks, this is why I came here. To get some outside perspectives and advice. I never planned on getting divorced and honestly I thought I'd have a pregnant wife right about now so I am trying to adjust to that. Dating again and trying to start a family one day seems extremely daunting. Just going to stick to my plan of self improvement and see what happens from there. Only thing I really know to do!

 

[Hoosier]

I was divorced at 51 after a 30 year marriage. I had all your questions and more. If you do what you say, hit the gym, run races, etc. If you own your own home, have a job. You are golden. and I mean golden! As you get older you will actually have a bigger dating pool!