[twosals]

I have two very different things going on right now, both of which I think would be happening independently of each other if things were different. Both of these things going on simultaneously makes me feel horrible and guilty and sad and frustrated and too many other ways to list.
So here it is.
My wife and I have been together for almost 14 years. We got married three years ago. We first got together when I was 18 and she was 22 and I thought I wanted to be with her forever. Right, you spotted the problem, past tense, thought. Recently (ok the thought has come and gone over the past however many years, and we nearly split last winter), anyway, recently I have realized that I can no longer imagine spending the rest of my life with her. I love her, but we don't have much in common other than our relationship. I am 32 now and I really really want to have kids, she told me recently that although she had also been talking about kids, she doesn't want them, is terrified of us having kids. It came as a HUGE shock, and I know this is contributing to my current change of feelings. I am 32, and my uterus is not getting any younger either, if I want kids, I kind of need to be working on that now. I thought with the woman I loved. It isn't just the kids thing, lately we just don't work. Our love life has gone from little to virtually nothing, and when it does happen it is always with my giving and not receiving. I know that she is depressed, and I too suffer from depression, but the lack of lovemaking has gotten extreme. Now, I think, I need to tell her it is over. That I love her but I can't imagine a future with her. The problem is, of course, that right now I also can't imagine a future without her. Am I being selfish leaving? I am being selfish staying and knowing that I am not happy but not telling her because I don't want to hurt her?
So if that isn't bad enough, here is the other thing going on. This is the part where you lose all sympathy for me and say, oh you're just saying all that above, because of this below. I have a, I don't know what to call it, crush, infatuation, obsession, weird friendship, with someone else. It is completely awkward even if I wasn't married because it is someone I work with and someone whom I am friends with. I don't know how he feels, except that I do think he considers us friends, and he does sometimes flirt. I don't know if my growing thoughts about him are just normal crush variety (if so, this is far beyond any other crush I've ever had in terms of time and number of recurring appearances in dreams), or if this is just a way for me to escape, in my head, all the other misery that is going on right now.
I know that this is a super long post, but I don't know what to do. I am worried that by trying to save my marriage I will be doing the wrong thing for me, but also that by trying to end it I might ruin my wife's life and maybe my own as well. I am troubled by my relationship with my friend, especially the amount of time I spend thinking about him, and believe me, I have tried to stop myself. I have made an appointment to talk to a counsellor later this week (just me, not with my wife), but I'm just feeling so rotten about the whole thing. Any advice would be welcomed.

 

[PBear]

So in one sentence, you say you can't imagine living the rest of your life with her. In the other sentence, you say you can't imagine a future without her? Which one is it?

I'm picking up in your post that you're a woman, married to another woman, and now you're having an emotional affair with a man. Are you comfortable with your sexual identity? Have you ever had a serious relationship with a man?

I'd guess that the individual counseling is a really good start, if you find the right counselor. While you don't want one that just tells you what you want to hear, you do want one that can understand what you're going through. At some point, I'd guess some form of relationship counseling would be appropriate, if you stay married.

In the meantime, you need to cut things off with your male friend. Your relationship with him is just going to make things that much worse, and that much more difficult to figure out which way to go. And by cut things off, I mean totally.

Good luck!

C

 

[twosals]

To be clear. My image of the future has for so long included my wife, that now when I try to imagine the future I am confused because it just seems blank.

Yes, I am a woman married to a woman and my friend is male. Yes I am comfortable with my sexual identity as a bisexual woman, and yes I did have relationships with men before my wife and I met.

Advice taken on the other two points. Although it is pretty difficult to completely ignore someone you need to work side-by-side with, I can try to terminate our friendship and just be civil co-workers.

 

[PBear]

You may want to consider opening up your communications to your wife, with regards to making sure she has access to your cell phone and e-mail accounts. You may be less likely to encourage your relationship with him if you know she can read everything you're saying to him.

Have you talked to your wife about how strongly you're being affected? And how long have you been feeling this way about your friend?

C

 

[CarolynsFingers]

You made some very young decisions and now you're all grown up. Your emotional relationship with this other person is you filling your needs outside of your marriage for whatever reason, either one of both of you quit. You can't make a sound decision involving your wife either way, with this other person clouding your head. As painful as it might be, you need to put this man on hold or discontinued while you sort through your priority issue for better or even if its for worse. With The years together with your spouse, you both owe yourselves a good audit and either counseling, commitment or closure.