[Ginevra]

Will try to shorten bigtime but this will still be long. Ex husband was abusive alcoholic - tried to work it out many times, posts on this site are still up from that time. Left three times. Felt very run ragged, run down, finally really left for good (with my kids) a year ago. Divorce finalized a few weeks ago. I met someone online two months ago right when I signed up on a dating site. I live in a small town and trust me when I say someone like this rarely (never) comes along. I was honest with myself that this was rebound-y. I knew the excruciating pain of parting ways with my ex all too well - I loved him but the alcohol required a split. I needed help getting through it. So, of course, this guy I met from the internet ended up being pretty awesome. I wasn't taking him seriously for the first few weeks because he is physically (3 years) and mentally (more than 3 years) younger than me, and though I really DO want to be settled down and in a long-term relationship with someone, I didn't think he had enough life experience and might not be great in the commitment department. I was just having fun and made no allusions to him that it was anything more. For his part, he's extremely attractive and from what I know about him, has never had trouble getting women. I figured we both would be messing around and having fun. Not trying to use or hurt, just moving on with my life and seeing what's out there, pulling my head out of the clouds of the past, all that.
Well, in spite of seeming like a bit of a player in his past, he pushed and pushed and pushed (in a respectful, non-aggressive way) for us to be an official item. He couldn't stop gushing about how different I was for the area (he's not from here and has been here one year due to his work). He dropped the 'L word' a couple of times, rented us a cabin on the lake for a weekend, helped me with my dogs, tons of sweet stuff. He wanted for me to be his girl. This guy is one in a million (for the area I live in), and a great mental match for me. I can't stress that enough. I started to get worn down. Right around the time I decided to consider being his partner, I started to realize he had some maturity issues. Well... they were always apparent but didn't matter since it wasn't to become serious. So, it came down to me actually starting to really like a person I could not see being capable of long-term. He made overtures about us staying together, possibly marrying, etc. It just made me think he had even more maturity issues. I pulled away during those times. He in turn said I was wishy washy. I just didn't want to invest my heart in someone I was starting to love just to get hurt by his immature side.
Was I making dumb assumptions, or was it wise to see it as red flags? I recently officially broke it off with him. I am hurting a lot more than I though I would from this. I hoped we could stay friends, as I do love him in at least that capacity. I think he's the bees knees, just can't see him handling future inevitable tough situations like an adult. He is apparently very hurt by this and I just don't know if I made the right choice. I don't know if my actions are driven by the prior marriage and divorce and if I am being way too protective of my heart. I love this guy but he's possibly immature enough to hurt me. Is this too paranoid?
DUH, rebounds typically end badly. But I'm having such an unexpectedly hard time letting go of someone of a quality I will probably not run across again anytime soon. Should I have taken this sweet, loving guy seriously, or believed his past to be an indicator of his future? He really pulled out all the stops for me, the whole time, until I started backing away. He does not understand 100% of why I did because I'm too afraid to tell him how much I care for him and why I'm really doing this. Again... he's great but some of his reactions indicate a maturity level which could cause problems. Really do not want to let him go, but...?

 

[GA HEART]

I've kinda been there and from my experience you did the right thing. YOU are not emotionally ready to be in a long term, you told him that from the beginning. And if you are seeing red flags, DO NOT discount them. Remain friends if you can, but likely you will not be able to (on his end, probably.)

If it's meant to be, you guys will end up together again at a time when you are BOTH ready. If it's not meant to be, you've already done the hard part. Keep living your life, heal from your previous marriage, keep moving forward.

 

[john117]

Well...

I'm in my mid 50's - my avatar pic is not too far away from what I look like in real life - and maturity wise I'm the nearest thing you will find to Rodney Dangerfield... We are talking seriously immature here - not your typical CPA type who enjoys bowling with the guys...

But... I can, and do handle critical situations quite well. I arrived in America 32 years ago with $500 and here I am, a pillar of the community, successful scientist (science? where?) father, semi-successful husband, the works.

Granted, my idea of fun is a round of Xbox or go carting with my much younger colleagues or interns, or dinner at Popeyes Fried Chicken, or a Saturday watching monster movies with my lab team whereas a mature woman of my social status would prefer some more, ehem, mature activities like opera, art shopping, and the like. Let's go cycling for 30 miles people

Now, you did not specify what feelings of immaturity you get from the guy. But here's a hint: immature people don't hurt you. Evil, mean spirited, or stupid people do. Regardless of maturity level. Just because I don't care to act my age and email my kids' cat pictures to my team does not mean I'm not a caring individual who would walk a thousand miles, as Brian Ferry would sing, to do the right thing for Mrs. Right.

Maybe you're overwhelmed by behaviors you don't associate with people of your circle? You make age an issue? Meh. I'm younger than my wife by a year. She's got the body of a 40 year old and the mind of an 80 year old... So there. My mind of a 20 year old is a problem how?

Please share some specific immaturisms (hey it's a word look it up ) and we can pass judgement as his fellow immaturistas (don't even THINK about it - it's a word).

 

[GusPolinski]

I don't mean this harshly, but the "friends" thing isn't very likely to happen. Sooner or later, he'll find someone a bit more willing to deal w/ his maturity issues (and probably someone who won't see them as such big issues at all, i.e. a younger woman), and then he'll be off the market... and his new squeeze probably won't be at all crazy about the prospect of a continued friendship w/ an ex.

You might as well tell him what's in your head. He might put some thought into it and work on things, or he might not. Either way, if he's THAT close to being so absolutely perfect for you, why not say something to him? What's the alternative... losing him? You're kind of already at that point.

If, however, you feel like you're just not ready to commit, then yeah... move on.

 

[SadandAngry]

I'm going to chime in with the thought that a man is not a project (or to be more accurate, not your project). You don't go into a relationship thinking you'll just fix those few problems this guy has. That's up to him to figure out. You have enough problems of your own to address, don't you? And you actually have some control over yourself as the subject of your project. I think you made the right call.

 

[AliceA]

I don't know what you mean by immature. It means different things to different people. For example, I don't see john117's interests as immature. Heh, if I did, I'd have to say I was also immature.

If we're talking about immaturity in dealing with conflict, money, work commitments etc, then I could see problems arising that are best avoided from the get go.

 

[Miss Taken]

I think it is worrying that the two of you knew each other for 2 MONTHS and he seemed to be pressuring you to move really fast. Talking the L-word right away, hinting at marriage and then getting upset when you weren't as enthused or proclaiming of true loove and commitment as he was. Again 2 MONTHS.

It could be nothing but people who try to sweep you off your feet so much/entrench themselves in your life so early and put you on a pedestal is something abusers, psychopaths, narcisists etc. are known for.

You yourself have mentioned red flags. You have yourself and your children to protect. Never ignore red flags even if it feels silly. Always go with your gut. I could be way off but many of these prince charmings turn into toads once you've commited. Many try to lock you down into commitment because it is hard to keep up the prince charming act for long. If it feels too good to be true it probably is.

 

[AliceA]

I wouldn't necessarily take the short time line as a sign that he's a nutter. Our first date DH asked how many children I wanted. About 2-3 mths in we decided officially that we'd get married, but decided to hold out to 6mths to announce our engagement so people didn't freak.

That said, we both felt the same way, it wasn't one person pushing the other to feel more than they did.

 

[Miss Taken]

Oh me neither. My own relationship started quick. But I do think it is wise to watch out and brought it up because OP mentioned she was feeling there were red flags. Too many people ignore those little gut feelings that I think are intuition trying to wake us up.

Also as she is one year out of leaving an abusive marriage with an alcoholic, all the more reason to proceed with caution.

To leave with kids only to end up in a similarily dysfunctional marriage would be tragic.

 

[commonsenseisn't]

If we're talking about immaturity in dealing with conflict, money, work commitments etc, then I could see problems arising that are best avoided from the get go.

This.

 

[jorgegene]

immature: fun, goofy, likes kids stuff, a bit on the wild side = good.

Immature: indecisive, always about me, irresponsible, always changing = bad

 

[john117]

If we were seeing such problems it would have been a monumentally bad idea to get into a relationship to begin with - something I doubt OP would get into in her situation based on her description of the guy in question.