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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello, I am new to this site and this is my first post. I have a dilemma that has cropped up and I'm not really sure how to deal with it.

I have been happily married for just over 20 years. My wife and I have a great relationship, and we're the same age. Recently, the topic of the number of sex partners came up, and the old adage of men add to their total when asked, while women subtract. I always thought, based on past discussions, that we had pretty similar sexual experiences before we met, with me maybe having had just a small few more partners (1 or 2). Well, this time she agreed with that statement and kind of knowingly stated that that was the way it was. Only, I have never done that.

So, now I am faced with the prospect that my wife may have had considerably more sex partners than I prior to our meeting. So, now I'm stressed out and I can't sleep or think of anything else. And I'm not even sure if it's the prospective number that has me upset or the deceit by omission. Probably both. And, I know some people say the number doesn't matter. But, I disagree. It is information that could go towards making a decision on the viability of the future of a relationship. Now the question is to confront or not to confront. And, if so, how to do it without being a **** about it. Any thoughts?
 

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If the number actually mattered then you would have asked before marrying her. It was ok then, but not now. So what has changed? You. It's pretty passive aggressive that you never asked the question, never demanded a specific number, but now after you're married you find out the number and want to punish her for it.
 

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How is your sex life with her? Has she ever hinted that she did things with exes that she can't do for you? If so, you have a serious problem. If not, then don't worry about it.
 

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I'm not sure I get how she decieved you by ommission. Your post is vague on that.

Speaking as a man who has had considerably less partners than my fiancee (I've had three, including her, while she'd had 15, including me), here's some advice.

Don't let it bother you. If you want to know the exact number from her (assuming you don't know it yet), then be prepared to hear it. If you're not prepared, don't ask.

I personally wasn't prepared when I asked, and yes, it really bothered me for a while. I felt inadequate, felt like I was doomed to fail as a lover, everything. I shouldn't have asked the question.

In time I get over it (and over myself I supposed as well) and came to terms with it. What helped is that I thought to myself that, firstly, she stuck with me out of all the lovers shes ever had, and secondly, there is more to sex than sex. It's what I bring outside of sex than actually makes me her best sexual partner. We are so close emotionally that it spills over into our lovemaking and as a result I know she enjoys sex with me more than with anyone else, ever. I might not be the best one-night, pound-you-through-the-mattress-make-you-wetter-than-a-fire-house-leave-you-wobbly-kneed-and-in-a-convulsed-heap-in-the-corner type of lover she's ever had, but overall, I am the king and I know it.

When you come to terms with the fact your wife has been with you for 20 years and that you have something so many other men (not saying your wife is a **** here, lol) don't have, that she loves you and enjoys being with you on a level that she never has had with any other man, and learn to let go of the fact she may have fudged her number, you'll be ok.

Btw, I agree that the number of partners can have an impact on partner selection (something which was discussed ad nauseum in another thread) but in your situation, maybe it was a blessing that you didn't find out, since clearly you've found an at least somewhat worthy partner considering you have been married 20 years in what you yourself deemed as a "great relationship."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
We did have that conversation, twice. And I got two different answers, but neither were outrageous that I couldn't deal with it. As I said, I believed we had had similar experiences. But, at that time, she never conceded to the 'women subtract' rule. When I asked again the other day she kind of blew it off, but mentioned that there was at least one she had forgotten about, including a name. This from the woman who said she'd never had a one night stand and always acts a bit naive. So now, instead of say 5-8 total, it could be 12-15 in a very short period of time when longer term relationships are factored in.

As for our sex life, it's good, not great. But it has gotten a bit better as the kids get older.
 

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You said you had past discussions with your wife about number of partners, was that before marriage? What changed between then and now that you suddenly feel like your wife intentionally deceived you about her sexual past? You can't dwell on it if you were not bothered by her sexual past before marriage. Since you didn't want to know back then, it's a little unfair to go after her about it now. I see no sin of omission in this case.

But now that you know, you may want to avoid some of those areas that used to be her hunting grounds before you met. For example, if she was a wild child sorority chick, don't attend any college reunions with her. If it was really that bad, you don't want to be seen as the guy that ended up with the town bike if you know what I mean.
 

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I might not be the best one-night, pound-you-through-the-mattress-make-you-wetter-than-a-fire-house-leave-you-wobbly-kneed-and-in-a-convulsed-heap-in-the-corner type of lover she's ever had, but overall, I am the king and I know it.
Really, you're OK with that?
 

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But, I disagree. It is information that could go towards making a decision on the viability of the future of a relationship.
You have been happily married for 20 years and because she may have slept with more partners than you it is a major issue?

Sounds a little shallow to me, if you are in love with this woman and you knew she had been with other men, tell me why is the number of partners matter?

How about the amount of times? Say she had 3 and you had 5 partners but she had sex with the 3 100 times each where you only had it a few times, would that matter??
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Kingsfan, you make excellent, valid, logical points. However, we all know men are not always logical when it comes to these things.
 

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We did have that conversation, twice. And I got two different answers, but neither were outrageous that I couldn't deal with it. As I said, I believed we had had similar experiences. But, at that time, she never conceded to the 'women subtract' rule. When I asked again the other day she kind of blew it off, but mentioned that there was at least one she had forgotten about, including a name. This from the woman who said she'd never had a one night stand and always acts a bit naive. So now, instead of say 5-8 total, it could be 12-15 in a very short period of time when longer term relationships are factored in.

As for our sex life, it's good, not great. But it has gotten a bit better as the kids get older.
And what's your number?
 

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There is an ENORMOUS body of statistical evidence that says women with high numbers are almost certain to cheat/divorce.
 

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Kingsfan, you make excellent, valid, logical points. However, we all know men are not always logical when it comes to these things.
Correction, PEOPLE aren't always logical.

In anutshell what I was driving at with my post was that you should give yourself some time to settle down over this before doing anything. In time you may come to understand that it isn't a big deal. Maybe it is a big deal, but maybe it isn't and there's little point in bashing a two decade relationship if it's something down the road you won't really care about.
 

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Also, as a guy, I don't know how keen I would be asking my wife to try to recall every guy she has been with in her past. Might bring back some memories you would prefer she had not remembered. Again, after 20 years, it shouldn't matter.
 

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There is an ENORMOUS body of statistical evidence that says women with high numbers are almost certain to cheat.
That may be true (I'm not saying it is), but one would think she wouldn't wait until 20 years have passed (and counting) if she was a likely cheater. Yes, it could happen, but at this point if she cheated, it'd likely be more to do with issues in the marriage than some unconcious craving for c0ck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
And, believe me, I know how shallow this all sounds. That's why I have not gone at her demanding to know what's what. It is ultimately my issue. But, it gnaws at me knowing when I've asked in the past I have been lied to, by omission or otherwise.
 

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And, believe me, I know how shallow this all sounds. That's why I have not gone at her demanding to know what's what. It is ultimately my issue. But, it gnaws at me knowing when I've asked in the past I have been lied to, by omission or otherwise.
Say you go to her, demand to know the exact number, and she tells you. Even lists all of them by name, and gives you every piece of information you ask for, from age to **** size. What then? Will you be happy/satisfied?

I'll bet you won't be.

I don't talk about my fiancee's past much anymore, and if she tries to bring it up (sometimes it happens in conversation) I change the subject usually. I find all it does is fill my head with questions I don't likely want to know the answer to and plays with my emotions.
 

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What's really interesting is that a woman's chances of a failed marriage increase linearly with the total number of partners. However, the only men who are significantly less likely to cheat are those who were virgins or had 1 or 2 partners before marriage. Once a man has had 3/4 and more partners, it doesn't matter if the total number is 5 or 500, they are equally likely to cheat. It makes sense because men with very low numbers obviously have trouble attracting women but once you can attract a few (5+) it really doesn't matter anymore. On the other hand, high numbers in women are unusual because it's very easy for a woman to get sex. Her evolutionary goal is to find a male who will stick around. High numbers don't fit in with what we should expect from evolutionary psychology.
 

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What possible difference does it make at this point after 20 years? You feel she lied to you, maybe she did. Have you considered why? Maybe she felt ashamed or didnt want you to feel jealous......like your feeling now........ Or didnt want you to think badly of her..... You see if a woman does it shes a ho, if a man does it hes a stud.....

So, if your 20 year marriage is solid and sound, why are you bringing this up at this point?

Why did you question her about it after all this time?

Do you have suspicions?

Are you being insecure and projecting this onto her?

Are you having a midlife crisis and feeling like you mossed out on having some adventures?

Some of my questions may seem a bit out there, but i think they are valid.

I am just trying to understand why this is an issue after all these years....... Maybe you felt she was lying to you at the time and have spent 20 years trying to get her to tell the truth??? In the end, does it really matter???

Just trying to inderstand where your head is right now.

And yeah, i have a lot of typos, sorry about that. Im not ipad friendly
 

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I kind of feel for the OP. In these situations many post that if he was OK with her number before marrying her, he should drop it. However, women will often post that they would never marry a man if he couldn't deal with her past (while also saying in the same post that they would never tell their husbands their actual numbers).

If you don't want an insecure man ladies, then why don't you tell him your real number and see how he reacts?
 
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