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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
A Mothers Nightmare! Update page 5

Hello. I am new here and I am hurting right now. I could use some advice. I have a daughter who will be turning 20 in just a few days who has put us through pure hell for the past few years.

A quick back story. We are a very loving family but a few years ago when my daughter was in the 8th grade, she met a guy who was in the 10th grade, They fell in love over the phone. The first time I met him I just knew he was trouble. My mommas instinct and boy was I right.

I let her know real fast that I didn't approve. I found out a few months later that he had dropped out of school. I made them break up because of that, his drug problem and he had abused my daughter. (13)

He threatened to kill me so that they could be together. I filed a restraining order for my daughter and me. Later I find out she had seen him again. :(

This became a pattern for her, and for the next 6 years this has been our life story. She would date him, get abused he would cheat and so on, all while we thought he was out of the picture. We would find out be devastated and she would agree he was trouble, we would send her to counseling and so on. This is a short version and if I told you everything that has happened the hair on your neck would be standing up.

Just this week we found out that she has been staying with him. Now she is a legal adult, so she can do this but our hearts are just broken. Not only is she in danger, she is also throwing away her college education. She has turned her back on the entire family, on both sides, to be with this loser. No kidding, he is every mothers worst nightmare!

She has chosen to stay with this guy and his parents so that they can smoke pot, with his parents no less, and God only knows what else.

When I found out I had her bring her car and cell phone home. We pay for them and I refuse to let her keep them while this is going on. I have been paying her car ins and cell phone, giving her money and so on for months while she has been seeing him. I feel like a FOOL!

I am so used to this that its not even funny, but this is where I have had to draw the line this time. I CAN"T DO THIS ANYMORE! I am so DONE! Beyond done!:mad: I was so angry with her that day, because I had that gut feeling that it was happening again and she lied again. No surprise.:rolleyes: She lies to me about EVERYTHING! Anyway, I told her that I never want to see her again. Tough words. Words that I really dont mean, but I was hurt and I am tired of it. I will never accept him into this family, I WILL NEVER! He followed me to the police station with a loaded gun in his truck for God's sake. I cant do this!

The problem is that I am worried about her. I know there is nothing that I can do but pray at this point. My feeling is that maybe this is Gods way of finally letting her see just what that life would be like, to show her that this is NOT right, but I honestly dont know why this is happening. :(

She says that she loves him and always has. I reminded her of the beatings and him putting a cigarette out on her leg and she said she made all of that up back then. No she didn't! I saw bruises on her recently too which made my red flags go up again and she made excuses for them. She has such low self esteem, caused by years of his abuse, that I am really afraid for her.

I keep thinking that this is just not happening, but it is and we are all just devastated over it. In my heart I dont think it will last long because something in me is saying that now that we have given up and pretty much kicked her out so that she could be with him, the game is not going to be as fun for him and he will eventually kick her out or something.

Has anyone ever been through anything like this? Any advice? I am heartbroken here, I am worried sick but I refuse to support her behavior anymore. My husband feels the same way. He said sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can get better. We have spend thousands of dollars on counseling for her. I dont know what else to do.
 

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My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was there up until a couple of months ago. Not as bad as your case, but still bad.

I took a little different approach with my daughter. I was completely there for my daughter, but I let her know I did not approve. After awhile it became apparent to her that life would be much easier by dumping the boyfriend and his family. I never alienated her from me; I knew that would drive her closer to her boyfriend. Anyway, here's the link to my thread:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...0-input-daughters-relationship-boyfriend.html

As a parent, it's really tough to see your child throw everything away. Sometimes you just have to let them fall down and then be there to pick them up. As so many things in life go, there's no "one size fits all" rule. What works in one situation or for one parent may not work for someone else. Hope you find the right approach/solution for your family.:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was there up until a couple of months ago. Not as bad as your case, but still bad.

I took a little different approach with my daughter. I was completely there for my daughter, but I let her know I did not approve. After awhile it became apparent to her that life would be much easier by dumping the boyfriend and his family. I never alienated her from me; I knew that would drive her closer to her boyfriend. Anyway, here's the link to my thread:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...0-input-daughters-relationship-boyfriend.html

As a parent, it's really tough to see your child throw everything away. Sometimes you just have to let them fall down and then be there to pick them up. As so many things in life go, there's no "one size fits all" rule. What works in one situation or for one parent may not work for someone else. Hope you find the right approach/solution for your family.:)
Thank you! She knows that we have always been there for her. We have supported her through many, many things that she has done that we have not approved of, including moving to another state with another abusive boy just a few months after she graduated from high school. We were there for her. She called and wanted to come home and we drove all the way there to get her. She wanted to move in with friends so we helped her and a few months later helped her move back in.

She has just had us on a roller coaster ride that I am ready to get off of. I'm tired. I have two younger children too (12 & 14) who are sick of the drama that she has put us all through. It's never ending.

OMG, while I was typing this one of her good friends called looking for her on her phone. We talked for a few minutes and I told him what was going on and he said that he has been there when this boy has hit her. I am so frustrated that he has not told me this until now, he knows how we feel about this but he said he would try to talk to her. Now I am more worried than ever because he has seen it, recently.

Why are girls attracted to guys like this?:mad: What can I do?
 

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There's nothing you can do, she's 20, it's sink or swim time. Just be there for her when she sinks.

Neither of them should be living with their parents at their age, especially him.

You did the right thing by cutting financial support.

T
 
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Call your kid up and tell her you were frusterated and angry cuz money is tight (lie) and the cell and car are no longer affordable(again lie) but if you need any thing (besides money) feel free to call.

Also let her know that even though your pissed you will always be there.


I'm concerned you now have put up a wall between you and your kid and when the beatings get worse she won't have anywere to turn.

Were are the men in her life that truely love her like uncles and cousins? Cuz someone would be dropped off in the desert on a cold winter night.

The reality of it is it is a crime to hit someone, irregardless if they are adults or won't press charges. Get to know your local laws with regard to dometic abuse and assualts. You may beable to use these laws in your favor and put some presssure on this kid and his family. With enough pressure the prize might not be worth the effort.

I think it sucks you gave up but I'm no were near your sitch.....but then again you know what I would do if I was.

I'm so sorry for you!

Truely, the-guy with a 19 B and 22 G
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
There's nothing you can do, she's 20, it's sink or swim time. Just be there for her when she sinks.

Neither of them should be living with their parents at their age, especially him.

You did the right thing by cutting financial support.

T
That's the only thing that I knew to do. She knew how we felt about this but we have always given her everything that she has wanted. She lies to us about everything and that is another thing that has been hurtful.

Call your kid up and tell her you were frustrated and angry cuz money is tight (lie) and the cell and car are no longer affordable(again lie) but if you need any thing (besides money) feel free to call.

Also let her know that even though your pissed you will always be there.


I'm concerned you now have put up a wall between you and your kid and when the beatings get worse she won't have anywere to turn.

Were are the men in her life that truly love her like uncles and cousins? Cuz someone would be dropped off in the desert on a cold winter night.

The reality of it is it is a crime to hit someone, irregardless if they are adults or won't press charges. Get to know your local laws with regard to dometic abuse and assualts. You may beable to use these laws in your favor and put some presssure on this kid and his family. With enough pressure the prize might not be worth the effort.

I think it sucks you gave up but I'm no were near your sitch.....but then again you know what I would do if I was.

I'm so sorry for you!

Truely, the-guy with a 19 B and 22 G
I worried about putting up the wall at first, but she knows me well enough to know that she can always count on us to be here, not matter what I may have said. She knows how broken hearted I was the other day when I stood there trying to talk to her as she packed her bags. She laughed at me. :mad:

Oh and believe me we do have men here who could take care of this kid, but there is a fine line with the law, and to be honest I am scared of him myself. I have changed the alarm code on the house and it stays on 24-7 right now. You should see this punk!

My daughter is smart, she is beautiful and she has so much going for her that to do this just breaks my heart.:(
 

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I worried about putting up the wall at first, but she knows me well enough to know that she can always count on us to be here, not matter what I may have said. She knows how broken hearted I was the other day when I stood there trying to talk to her as she packed her bags. She laughed at me. :mad:
And that is your problem. She has no respect for you because YOU have no respect for you. Have you done any reading on Tough Love? It's time.
 

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First, please call her and say that you were angry and hurt that she continues to stay with a man that hurts her. Let her know that you will be there if she needs you. The sad fact is that she is likely to get pregnant with your grandchild. It will then be your job to get that precious child out of that enviroment. You cannot do that if you are not in communication with her.

As for her personally....I am not sure she will ever see the light. It might some day when he almost beats her to death or when he raises a hand to their child.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
 

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Sometimes pulling back your support is the best thing you can do. Certainly taking away anything you help with moneywise is a good idea.

The net effect of what you are doing is to put the pressure on her to sink or swim with this crazy decision she has made. By not helping out financially, it puts more pressure on their relationship.

One thing I would do if I were you is to call her, or met her somewhere, and tell her that you love her. But you cannot bear to see her with this guy. Plus you are afraid of him for your own safety, for good reason.

Tell you that you are there for her if she needs help. This way she knows that if she is in danger and wants to get away she can call you.

Then have a plan. If she calls you will get her a ride (call a taxi or meet her away from where they live). You could have her come stay with you for a few days or find her a safe house if she calls. If /when this happens try to get her to press domestic violence charges against him. Be there for when/if she wises up.

One thing you need to consider is that pot might not be the only drug involved here. Part of her attraction to him might be that he supplies her with drugs. I’ve seen this play out with other young girls. Some guy gets them hooked on something like meth. If that’s going on your problem is bigger than you think. Sorry to bring this up but the situation sounds similar to some other I’ve been aware of.
 

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As for her personally....I am not sure she will ever see the light.
There's always hope.....and that's what keeps us going.:) My nightmare ended well, so I know that can happen to others.

The key to much of this is to make the bond between you and your daughter greater than the bond between your daughter and her boyfriend. After my daughter moved in with her lazy/crazy boyfriend and his family, we still spent time together. We basically hung out together and had great times. Do you and your daughter share common hobbies/interests?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
My advice is to call the cops, give them their address, and tell them that everyone inside is a pothead. Best way ever to get her over him.
See, I think that would back fire on me and I am to scared of that crazy family to do that right now.

And that is your problem. She has no respect for you because YOU have no respect for you. Have you done any reading on Tough Love? It's time.
This is exactly what my husband has been saying. I have given her everything and she has ran all over me. This is why I am trying to do it now and I will not be supporting her with any money at all.

There's always hope.....and that's what keeps us going.:) My nightmare ended well, so I know that can happen to others.

The key to much of this is to make the bond between you and your daughter greater than the bond between your daughter and her boyfriend. After my daughter moved in with her lazy/crazy boyfriend and his family, we still spent time together. We basically hung out together and had great times. Do you and your daughter share common hobbies/interests?
Not lately. I have only been helping her with a big paper she had for school. I promise over the past year she has only been here late at night or she may come by to shower but she has not been spending any time here at all. Now I know that she has been with him.

update
She called the house from work a little while ago. I was so glad that she had found a way to get there, and I was glad to hear from her. She just wanted to know why her friends were getting her little brother when they tried to call her. Her phone was off and locked. My other daughter knew the password. I told her that I let him use the phone since I pay so much a month for the Internet service on it.

She said that all of her friends think that I am insane for turning my back on her. There is no telling what she is saying to everyone. I told her that I have not turned my back on her that I was still here and that i loved her but as long as he was in the picture things would stay the way that they are. I also told her my concerns.

I told her that her friend said that he witnessed the boyfriend hitting her and she denied it. She said he would never say that and I told her that he would be contacting her on FB. She said that the boyfriend has not hit her. Yeah right!

That was about it because she had to go. I do feel better after talking to her but this is no way close to being over. It's just the beginning.

My thing is, after thinking about this tonight, she has been on and off agian with him for all this time, but she turned 18 almost two years ago. If they really loved each other like she says, why wait almost two years? :confused:
 

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See, I think that would back fire on me and I am to scared of that crazy family to do that right now.
Backfire how? Make her mad at you? Being mad at you is worse than laughing in your face? pffft

That 'crazy family' won't be doing anything. They will be IN JAIL.

You're making excuses.
 

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It is hard to let go and stop enabling your kid's bad behaviour. When our drinking drug using son used to ask for money for food, we would either give him a gift card for the supermarket or buy them groceries & take it to the house of him, his g/f and their daughter. We would not give him money as it could be used for drugs or booze.
You can be there for support without being an enabler. It is so hard though to step back & let them make mistakes. The hardest thing to do as a parent is to let your kids make their mistakes, no matter how awful those mistakes are. Out of my 5 kids, 2 are determined to walk their own path, no matter what befalls them.
You should let her know you are there for her and then step back. Let her come to you. In some ways it is the same as having a wayward spouse, you can't smother your daughter with love & concern.
 

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This is exactly what my husband has been saying. I have given her everything and she has ran all over me. This is why I am trying to do it now and I will not be supporting her with any money at all.
Your husband is right. ANY child professional will tell you he is right. I can't even count how many parents of DD22's friends did just what YOU are doing - trying to NICE your daughter into loving and wanting you. And it - THAT - has backfired on you, right?

Your child - and she is a child - needs a steadfast, strong, UNBENDING parent. Not a friend.

When I raised DD22, from about age 12, I told her I will always love her, but I may not like her. Not my job. My job is to raise a healthy child who learns how to be a healthy adult, and then I let go. I told her I will never judge her and that she can tell me anything. I may judge the ACTIONS, but never her. She tested me on a couple things, but I was steadfast and never judged her.

I told her there are RULES in my house and as a minor, she will obey the rules (that everyone follows) - or she will suffer the consequences for breaking those rules. I laid out in advance what those consequences would be (skip school, and I will quit my job and follow her into school every day to make sure she attends; sneak out and you will be locked out; etc.).

She told me recently (taking a child psychology class for her degree) that I was an 'authoritative' parent and it was the best kind to be, according to the book. I set out expectations and consequences, and let HER decide if she wanted to break my rules and be punished. We asked her once why she never got grounded like all her friends were always doing, and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do things I know will get me punished?'
 

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I told her that I let him use the phone since I pay so much a month for the Internet service on it.
Stop making excuses. She's your daughter, not your friend. You don't owe her any excuses. Stop it.

She said that all of her friends think that I am insane for turning my back on her.
So? She's your daughter and her friends are HER friends, not yours. Do you care what little Johnny next door thinks of how you walk your dog? Then why do you care what her friends think? Ignore it.

There is no telling what she is saying to everyone.
So? She is your daughter, not your friend. Any adult who hears from her will see a child and will ignore her. Any other child who hears from her is just a child and is unimportant - as you are an adult, and not her friend.

I told her that her friend said that he witnessed the boyfriend hitting her and she denied it. She said he would never say that and I told her that he would be contacting her on FB. She said that the boyfriend has not hit her. Yeah right!
Stop getting involved in this. You have said your piece. She knows how you feel. Any further engagement on this lowers you to child level. Stop it.

My thing is, after thinking about this tonight, she has been on and off agian with him for all this time, but she turned 18 almost two years ago. If they really loved each other like she says, why wait almost two years? :confused:
Because YOU are still babying her and she doesn't want to give that up. As soon as you start coddling her and make her face her own consequences, like getting arrested for being a pothead, she will learn - real quick.

Stop being afraid of making your CHILD mad at you. Act like the adult, ok? She NEEDS you to be the adult.
 

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There's nothing you can do, she's 20, it's sink or swim time. Just be there for her when she sinks.

Neither of them should be living with their parents at their age, especially him.

You did the right thing by cutting financial support.

T
It's called tough love and had to be done you stopped enabling that's the best you could do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Backfire how? Make her mad at you? Being mad at you is worse than laughing in your face? pffft

That 'crazy family' won't be doing anything. They will be IN JAIL.

You're making excuses.
I believe with everything in me that these people are dangerous. At this time I am not going to do anything to risk retaliation from them because I have two other children here to think about.

Stop making excuses. She's your daughter, not your friend. You don't owe her any excuses. Stop it.

So? She's your daughter and her friends are HER friends, not yours. Do you care what little Johnny next door thinks of how you walk your dog? Then why do you care what her friends think? Ignore it.

So? She is your daughter, not your friend. Any adult who hears from her will see a child and will ignore her. Any other child who hears from her is just a child and is unimportant - as you are an adult, and not her friend.

Stop getting involved in this. You have said your piece. She knows how you feel. Any further engagement on this lowers you to child level. Stop it.

Because YOU are still babying her and she doesn't want to give that up. As soon as you start coddling her and make her face her own consequences, like getting arrested for being a pothead, she will learn - real quick.

Stop being afraid of making your CHILD mad at you. Act like the adult, ok? She NEEDS you to be the adult.
Thank you. I know you are right. I am not backing down this time. While I love her and all of that, she needs to hit bottom to see exactly what I am talking about here.

Another thing is that she has a birthday (20th) next week, and then there is Christmas coming up too. What should I do here? Everything in me is saying not to do anything for her after all of this and just wait. I don't really feel like buying her gifts anyway after she has done this again and I am NOT giving her money. Any advice with that?

I keep thinking of Thanksgiving when she told me she had to work, but she would be off for Christmas and then when my other daughter went through her phone she was with him and his family the whole time. She never even came home all week. She said she was staying with a friend. :rolleyes:
 

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What makes you think they would blame you if some tip comes in and they get raided? I'm sure half the neighborhood knows it's going on.

As for the holidays, you tell her that as long as she is drug-free, she is welcome at your home any time. You tell her that you reserve the right to test her. If she's unwilling to do that, she's using.

Look, she has learned to lie to get her whatever she wants. Utterly. That will take a LONG time to overcome that urge. And it will never happen as long as you reward her for it.

Be completely honest with her. Never tell her a lie. Tell her you don't like what she's become and, as her mother, it's your job to be her guide for doing things that are healthy and helpful. As such, you will treat her with respect ONLY when she earns it. Right now, she doesn't deserve it. But you have faith in her and know she'll eventually get it. Until then, your doors are open ONLY if she agrees to testing. And every lie she tells you will come with a consequence, such as being excluded from Christmas celebrations. It's her choice. And then you walk away to leave her to think about it.

You have to be UNCHANGING, ok? KNOW what is right and EXPECT her to do right, but never back down on giving those consequences. As far gone as she is, that is the ONLY way she will ever see clear of this.

And I have to be honest with you. You only have maybe a 50% chance she will come out of this, if you're lucky. She has spent her ENTIRE molding period doing all the wrong things and getting the wrong responses from you guys. It's not clear if she has seen enough strength in your family to guide her out of it. It's far more likely she will reject you, because your way is 'hard,' and she'll spend the next 10 years wallowing in drugs and dead-end jobs and welfare, before she finally matures and regrets her choices.

My best friend's little sister had the easy parents who always took her back, gave her money, believed her lies, and never put their foot down. She lost TWO sets of kids over the years from being in an out of prison for drugs. The first set, her husband divorced her and took the kids away. The second one, a boy, she had in prison and my friend adopted him and raised him. She didn't stop messing up until she was about 40. Some people really do just have to live out the rock bottom to finally have enough of it.
 

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Sounds like my daughter :(

Tough love is the only way to go. No phone, no car. If she thinks life is fine without an education, let her figure it out the hard way.

if you know her friends and they have their heads screwed on right, you could mention to them that you are worried about her safety. Your daughter won't listen to you, but maybe friends will have more influence.

Don't give up. The best words I ever heard from my daughter was "I should have listened to you sooner." You'll hear them someday.
 
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