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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's been a little over two years since I found out my H was having an affair with a woman he met at a gas station. We still have some fundamental differences in our beliefs about it. He keeps saying the same thing - it was a mistake. My response is always the same - how can something you planned to do be a mistake? Spilling a glass of milk is an unintended mistake but how could his affair be:

1. Voluntarily exchanging phone numbers with the OW then obviously calling her
2. Sitting in front of a computer with your credit card in hand looking for a hotel to meet her at, making and paying for that reservation, driving to meet her there, and then meeting her there
3. Going to a party she was hosting and meeting her friends
4. Doing what you needed to do to be intimate with her multiple times
5. Having very detailed and thoughtful e-mail exchanges with the OW
6. Planning to take a trip with the OW 4 months down the road​


How is an affair ever a mistake when it takes such thought and deliberate actions to have it? I tell my H that it wasn't a mistake because he knew exactly what he was doing, he planned for it, he followed through with that plan, he did it!

Am I missing something? Is there a mistake between the lines that I'm not seeing?
 

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Spilling a glass of milk is better described as an accident. Of course it wasn’t intended and as such it was a mistake.

But his affair, although intended and not an accident, could still be considered as a mistake.


I for one can think of many things I’ve done that although intended and while by no means accidents were indeed mistakes when I look back on them. Hindsight and all that is a wonderful thing, it’s typically when we suddenly get 20/20 vision. I’d guess this is what your husband means about his affair.





I think you’d be far better off getting yourself away from arguing about semantics, the meaning of words, and look to see what the real issues are that still exist between the two of you.


Your post does in essence indicate that you have a MASSIVE communication problem. And as such you will need a person between the two of you to help you both understand “what you really mean by your words” because at the moment you are just expending a lot of energy spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.
 

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As someone who cheated on his wife, I've said exactly the same thing you're saying. Those things that he's done (and I did) are conscious, deliberate decisions that nobody else forced him to make. They're not mistakes; they're bad/hurtful decisions. Until he owns up to that, he's not taking responsibilities for his actions.

Try this analogy on for size... You're driving along on a one way street, and suddenly you see headlights coming at you. There's two options. Some idiot has made a mistake, and turned up a one way street by accident. Or some idiot has made a deliberate choice to turn up a one way street, maybe to save himself the 5 minutes that going the right way would have taken. There's quite a distinction in intent.

Of course, when your cars collide, the end result is the same... Chaos, pain, and damage.

C
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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
Thanks for responding everyone. I have my doubts about how, when, and if it ended since he never gave me copies of his cell phone bills or e-mail password when I asked him for them a million times. He commented to me "What about my privacy?" - privacy after his affair! I didn't think they were unreasonable requests, in an effort to start trusting him again, given that he communicated with the OW by cell and e-mail.
 

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Spilling a glass of milk is better described as an accident. Of course it wasn’t intended and as such it was a mistake.

But his affair, although intended and not an accident, could still be consider as a mistake.


I for one can think of many things I’ve done that although intended and while by no means accidents were indeed mistakes when I look back on them. Hindsight and all that is a wonderful thing, it’s typically when we suddenly get 20/20 vision. I’d guess this is what your husband means about his affair.





I think you’d be far better off getting yourself away from arguing about semantics, the meaning of words, and look to see what the real issues are that still exist between the two of you.


Your post does in essence indicate that you have a MASSIVE communication problem. And as such you will need a person between the two of you to help you both understand “what you really mean by your words” because at the moment you are just expending a lot of energy spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 

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imTurn,

I know where you coming from. My wife serially cheated for years. We are R at 2+ years from dday. She has used the term "mistakes" in the past. Even our Counselor picked up on this and agreed with me that planning an affair for years on end is much more than a mistake.

In English Class, we can call mistakes and poor choices semantics. It just doesn't mean the same in context of Affairs. It really is about Ownership. Until the WS admits to themselves that they premeditatedly planned and executed the betrayal and had the choice to not, it's not real.

In short, when cheaters try to explain their actions as "mistakes" they are in effect dismissing the gravity of their betrayal to the offended.
 
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Am I missing something? Is there a mistake between the lines that I'm not seeing?[/QUOTE]

The mistake is that you have never dealt w/ this in a way that would allow resolution. The term you will see used here is rug sweeping. I'm an expert; did it myself for years. Until he owns the damage he's done, and makes the effort necessary to regain your trust, the can be no healing. You will hear more from others on this matter. As to his "privacy," I'd call bulls**t on that. Privacy implies trust, which he hasn't earned.
 

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Thanks for responding everyone. I have my doubts about how, when, and if it ended since he never gave me copies of his cell phone bills or e-mail password when I asked him for them a million times. He commented to me "What about my privacy?" - privacy after his affair! I didn't think they were unreasonable requests, in an effort to start trusting him again, given that he communicated with the OW by cell and e-mail.
Now you are getting to the meat of the problem. Or at least part of it and you have a very long way to go as yet.


There is no way you’ll be able to move forward in a healthy way until you have full and open access to his every means of communication. Until that time you will be deeply suspicious of just about everything he does.


I don’t like the sound of your husband one little bit. There are many here who will be able to help you out.
 

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Thanks for responding everyone. I have my doubts about how, when, and if it ended since he never gave me copies of his cell phone bills or e-mail password when I asked him for them a million times. He commented to me "What about my privacy?" - privacy after his affair! I didn't think they were unreasonable requests, in an effort to start trusting him again, given that he communicated with the OW by cell and e-mail.
He will get his privacy once he earns the trust back. He made a "mistake" as he says and the consequence will be loss of privacy for some time. You are giving him the gift of reconciliation. You are risking by giving a cheater a chance to rebuild the marriage. Loss of privacy should be the least of his concerns. He will get his privacy back eventually

I think you would be better off posting your whole story so that you can get better advice. Most cheaters take the affair underground after getting caught. You need to protect yourself against that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I feel such a weight lifted and thank everyone for your responses, I wish I had posted here sooner.

warlock07, I need to get my whole story out and will take your suggestion.
 

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Thanks for responding everyone. I have my doubts about how, when, and if it ended since he never gave me copies of his cell phone bills or e-mail password when I asked him for them a million times. He commented to me "What about my privacy?" - privacy after his affair! I didn't think they were unreasonable requests, in an effort to start trusting him again, given that he communicated with the OW by cell and e-mail.
There is a huge difference between "private" and "secret".

There should not be any problems with sharing cell phone bills and email passwords in a marriage. The refusal to do so is not maintain "privacy" it is to continue "secrecy". A stable marriage does not have secrets.
 

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Mistake: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

Bad Choice: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

Any questions?
 
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