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I recently received an email from a woman who was lamenting about her experience with Christian men disappearing on her. She went on to explain that she had dated several men who would start off pursuing her, but then without warning, they would simply “disappear.” She didn’t consider herself to be naive', yet she was beginning to wonder about her discernment. What really had her confused was how a Christian man could actively pursue a woman, sincerely communicating real feelings and intent, and then just disappear.

Not all Christian men are guilty of this. However, there are men in church who play head games, and quite honestly, many of them have no idea what they really want in a woman because they have yet to take inventory of who they are. A man with ulterior motives or who is simply not ready for a real commitment will be unable to stand in the presence of a woman without his conscience convicting him. I attribute this to the fact that women mature faster than men and they are usually more self-aware than men are. One reason for this is that God has given females a “monthly” reminder of their womanhood and as a result, most women have learned to value that unique part of their anatomy from adolescence. On the other hand, because from a young age we men have equated manhood with our sexual conquests, we often stumble into maturity after suffering from the many foolish mistakes we’ve made or from become totally broken during the process.

I think before any Christian woman decides to date she must first ask God to make His will plain to her regarding companionship. Is this the right season? Is she at a place in her Christian walk where she can be courted by a man without compromising her integrity? Ladies it is important to make sure you hear from God and not your flesh. God is not anxious or concerned about you finding someone simply because you are lonely. In fact, if the only thing a man and woman agree on is the fact that they both are lonely…they are in for a rude awakening! There is a difference between having a good idea (which is birthed out of our own human reasoning) and a vision (which is birthed out of the spirit). There are single women out there who are in love with the idea of being married but they have yet to receive a God inspired “vision” of what marriage looks like. Without a vision you will not be able to discern between the provision (your choice) and the promise (God’s Best). Men must realize that Hips, Eyes, and Thighs are not the criteria for choosing a wife and women need to understand that Tall, Dark and Handsome does not mean he is marriage material.

If the scripture says: “a man who finds a wife finds a good thing”…then it ought to be true concerning a woman as well. Proverbs 10:22 says: “the blessings of the Lord maketh rich and he adds no sorrow to it.” So when God brings the right man into a woman’s life he will be just that…a blessing. He will be a man who has his priorities straight and already knows what he's looking for in a woman. Not a girlfriend, but a wife who he can build and share his life with. He will be a man who not only loves her unconditionally, but supports her dreams, motivates her to reach her potential, and keeps her covered in prayer during the process. Not to mention He will have a genuine, sincere desire to know God for himself. This is the man who I believe is God’s Best for a woman…and one who is worth waiting for!
 

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Your title makes me think of this christian song ....

4HIM - A Man You Would Write About - YouTube

Well when I met my husband at 15, I was the so called christian and he wasn't, and guess what. ... he had more "fruits of the spirit" than I did -- and really, the church would have been against me seeing him, very glad I didn't listen to that. He respected my wishes to wait until we were married...and there was YEARS of waiting. He treated me better than anyone I ever had in my life.

Who knows why some men go after women pursuing at 1st, they are obviously attracted to them, but maybe as they get to know them a little better, they realize that person is not suited for them, it's not like we can tell all of this before we get to know someone a little. I feel a little dating is very very wise...but these men shouldn't be making promises too soon, that part is just not good. It takes TIME to unravel our hearts & know where these things are going... one should never jump too soon.

Our son is a Worship Leader /wanna be Youth Pastor, he is 22 yrs old, still a virgin and believes in Courting, personally I think he should put himself out there more so and get to know some women, but he doesn't want to get anyone's hopes up -as many girls have liked him- but he wasn't sure...didn't have that assurance ~ from God above. And he doesn't want to hurt anyone. I think he is too conscientious.

Do I think this is so wise, I don't know. I just see a really good man biding his time putting God in front of everything...where many of those potential women he is passing up - are being taken.

I hope it doesn't bite him in the butt. Sometimes those who are so into the Lord, miss relationships entirely. I know of a really sweet guy in our church, he is almost too on fire for God.. the girls won't touch him, there is no interest. He isn't exactly putting himself out there either. Sometimes we can pray & pray & pray for some spiritual direction in regards to romance, but be so focuced on putting our flesh down....that we might miss opportunities entirely, I have heard some men talk about feeling funny even approaching a woman in church, as he should not be thinking about that in the house of God. I find that totally silly.

Sometimes It pays to be a little human ....follow an attraction whim, pursue someone that could be a "potential".

I used to be a Christian, I am a bit relaxed on that these days. But I still raise my children with morals & agree with much of what you spoke here - just thought I would add my 2 cents.:)
 

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I'm not sure if it's advice you're posting for - it sounds like you have a lot of good viewpoints on things, and have some really good advice for others. It's kind of part of your job, I guess :)

I'm an atheist, and my husband is Christian. We're going on about 12 years now and things are pretty great. We respect each others' beliefs. I actually push him into going to church when he doesn't feel like it, because I think it's important to have beliefs and stick with them.

In my opinion - and maybe this is an obvious opinion, coming from an atheist - people aren't any better or worse because of the religion they follow. People aren't any more likely to be good to others just because they're Christian, or because they follow any other chain of beliefs (by the same token, atheists aren't any better than anyone else).

We all deal with the same moral issues. Not the least of these issues is selfishness. These Christian men who are pursuing and then disappearing aren't thinking about how the woman feels when they disappear. They're thinking of their own feelings, or not thinking at all. It's so much easier to stop calling than it is to let someone know why you don't want to see them anymore.

I know that the advice you give is probably better given from the perspective of God's will; perhaps "Do unto others..." would be a good start.
 

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Women tend to be more self aware then men because our language processing ability develops much earlier than it does in boys. Having our period has nothing to do with self awareness!
 

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Pastor, perhaps you should explain the difference between biblically-based courtship and dating. Our church discourages dating but encourages courtship.
 

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In light of everything I am going through...I am more and more impressed with people who have chosen to be single and focus on their relationship with God. And I agree with the poster above that they are almost treated like social pariahs...people so devoted unto God that they aren't catching the signals. Maybe that's a good thing.

I used to have a pastor that I adored and He just always shone with a brightness and joy as someone who really embodied the love of God...and he was so content with being single...but it took another woman who served God with the same intensity to approach him and say that she thought they were supposed to be married...and I swear they were probably the most happiest couple, doing what they loved the most, together. Paul says that being single is preferable to him because there is a freedom to serve God in that way, unencumbered of the responsibilities of a married Christian...but if you can serve God just as well or even better being married, that's great too. Both singleness and marriage are gifts from God Paul says.

It is hard in the Christian world to date in the church...I think because many Christian men are passive. They often emulate the male who is nurturing and relational...and I think that can definitely trigger a woman to think..."Hey, this guy is husband and father material" because of the nurturing attributes that many Christian males have...but when confronted with having to deal with commitment, Christian males often lack the connection to their masculinity...a lack of being able to identify themselves to the role of a husband/father...or more explicitly...a grown man. Nice Christian guys know have to have fun, relate, play and flirt, and socialize...but getting serious in a relationship takes a whole new leap. The church is floundering because it is full of passive males. There are no male mentors, no patriarchs, no one to help guide these men into spiritual leadership and manhood. If that gets plugged in, we will see men stepping into ther masculine identities, being confident in themselves and their roles...and can discern clearly for themselves if they are ready to commit to a particular woman. WE NEED MALE MENTORING.
 

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There are no male mentors, no patriarchs, no one to help guide these men into spiritual leadership and manhood. If that gets plugged in, we will see men stepping into ther masculine identities, being confident in themselves and their roles...and can discern clearly for themselves if they are ready to commit to a particular woman. WE NEED MALE MENTORING.

:iagree::iagree:

Sing it sister!
 

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In my church we offer "Guardians" to the men, and "Laurels of Grace" to the women. Guardians is open to men and teenaged boys and it's where we tackle the issues of Biblical manhood and headship. Laurels of Grace is open to women and teenaged girls and it's where we tackle the issues of women's role identity, being a helpmeet to her husband. We also underscore that you do NOT have to be married and produce children to have value either in the church or society as a whole.
 

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I don't see this whole thread having much to do with being Christian or non-Christian. There are cultural pressures that the church initiates. They aren't necessarily bad (in my opinion), but the whole "waiting for the perfect man/woman" thing is a bit over the top. It sets young people up to try to strive for (or be) an ideal that isn't very realistic. On the other hand, it is better to aim for the stars -- because you might at least hit the moon :).

To be frank, many Christian young men can become very fickle. They want to explore relationships with young women but when they feel their emotions kicking in they back off -- especially if they see/sense something in her that doesn't meet "his ideal". I've known Christian men who have had short relationship after short relationship because they can't find a girl who is "truly committed to God" in whatever their definition of that is. I've also watched Christian young women do the same thing. They are looking for that "perfect guy" and have real trouble finding one.

It is okay to be selective when looking for the person you are going to possibly spend the rest of your life with. However, it is not okay to be so un-freakin'-realistic that you end up missing out on doing life with a great person who is only slightly less-than perfect.

God knows I'm not perfect -- and I'm so glad I have experienced being married to a beautiful woman who loves me in spite of my imperfections.
 

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...To be frank, many Christian young men can become very fickle. They want to explore relationships with young women but when they feel their emotions kicking in they back off -- especially if they see/sense something in her that doesn't meet "his ideal". I've known Christian men who have had short relationship after short relationship because they can't find a girl who is "truly committed to God" in whatever their definition of that is. I've also watched Christian young women do the same thing. They are looking for that "perfect guy" and have real trouble finding one...
And, if they get married and find the other is not perfect, then perhaps a divorce; there’s an awful lot of divorce.

Another thing, I am old enough to remember the hippie and feminist movements. From that, guys learned to not be masculine, be more feminine, to be passive; and for the woman, be more masculine and assertive. So, how did it evolve socially that men and women could still get together and marry? Women have to do the chasing now days. My Grandson just graduated from 9th grade and he has women leaving their phone numbers in his yearbook saying call me this summer. Now from what people are posting here about men needing mentors, religious beliefs require men adhere to the pre hippie and feminist ideas. A lot of men are afraid of intimacy, not living up to modern ideals, but do not know it, so they play the courtship role only up to the point of possibly getting serious, then poof.
 
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