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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK. I've seen it posted a couple times already, but I need help. I'm a 33 year old male who has almost no interest in sleeping with his wife. We've been married 5 years, and together 14. We've been drifting apart for some time now, mostly because she resents me for not wanting to sleep with her, and she's tired of my excuses. I try and do everything in my power to make her happy, and I think she would agree that we have a good "friendship", but she told me she's tired of feeling empty and alone. Maybe she's watched too many movies, but I feel bad bceause she's basically blaming me for our lack of sex. I have a bit of an anxiety disorder, and my mother has been wasting away by a terrible disease, and my job is very demanding. I try to overcome my stress of these issues, but it's very tough, and I feel she really isn't patient with me when I try to relax and get in the mood. I told her I would do whatever it takes to make things work, but I think she's done with me. That's the basic jist. There's a little more to it, but I just wanted to know if something like this is relatively common. By the posting on this site, I'm more confident that It's not just me, there are a lot of us out there.....
 

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I am a female but I experienced what you are going through in a previous relationship. My partner and I had sex "just because." We both had demanding jobs and never seemed to want to do anything when the other one felt like it. Our relationship ended due to other factors, but sometimes when he didn't want to have sex, it upset me. At one point I thought he was gay because he'd much rather masturbate than to do the real deal. When we discussed it after we ended our relationship, we both come to realize that our sexual attraction toward each other had withered away.

As for the anxiety and stress, have you considered some kind of therapy? Maybe you should go to therapy as a couple. I'm not sure if you'll have time due to your demanding job, but it's worth a shot to get a professional opinion from another party. I don't think she's totally "done" with you, I think she's given up, yet still holding on if that makes sense. Good luck to you. I hope my advice helped a little.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It used to be good. Just in the past 2 years we started arguing more and caring about eachother less. I know I've changed, but for the better. Good job, I'm in really good shape, I have a lot of friends, and i have a lot of hobbies. I feel like she's been complacent about everything, and that's a real turn off for me. She's been in the same dead end job for 13 years, she hasn't lost weight, and she needs to, and she never goes out with friends. The thing is, the relationship was never about sex. Even in college we didn't have sex too often. Now it's about sex, probably because she's in her mid thirties and ready to have kids. So we're going to go to therapy and see how it pans out. Also in our last conversation she mentioned divorce. In my book...that's a no-no. If you think it will happen, it will happen, no matter how much therapy you get. Am I wrong in thinking that?
 

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OK, woah, hold up... do not bring any child into this world in such a shaky relationship. First and foremost no child deserves to be the "last straw" of trying to save a relationship. Children take a lot of time and money. Before investing all that on a child, put that into your relationship... counseling, courtship, etc.

I posted earlier this week for my first time b/c my husband is similar. He is heavily involved with work and hobbies and I see all the energy he puts into that and resent the hobbies b/c I think he could spend a quarter of the time investing it in our relationship, learning how to deal with women and researching just like he does his hobbies. Our fights are getting more intense and I'm feeling more like friends than lovers. He is very insistent that this works out and is trying very hard and I recognize this. His sexual desire has never been strong and I feel that my sex drive is much more powerful than his and always has been. I am even so open as to invite other females into the relationship if it were to help (yeah, I'm THAT secure that he's not going to leave me).

There is very little to nothing on the internet about a lack of sex drive in males, but I am learning that this is much more common than socially acceptable. Even our psychologist is stumped. So, you're not the only one. I haven't had many responses at all on my post. So I just want you to know that I understand what your wife is going through and if you need to ask a third person who understands the situation what you can do for her, I can try my best.

Best of luck to you and your wife, but I would certainly hold off on the child issue until your relationship improves... having children changes everything, but doesn't make old wounds heal, only intensifies them.
 

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Well, I wouldn´t bring kids into the world if your relationship is in that stage. You should actually talk about it, and be very honest and decide what is it that you want to do. But don´t bring a kkid into this. It will not be a healthy solution.
 

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i think perhaps you spend so much time with your exciting job, and all your friends and all your great hobbies, that you have none left for your wife, who is feeling a bit left out.

As for the disparaging remarks about her not losing weight and being in a dead end job, what are you doing to help her with these things? Criticising, while you sit there all smug is not the way to increase her self esteem and encourage her.

You not wanting sex with her, is for her, just one more rejection. She is not exciting and trendy and in a cool job, like you and all your friends with all your outside interests. Have you thought that maybe you could find some hobby you could both share? Or are they all just YOUR interests, for you and YOUR friends?
 

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Well,
As someone who was in a similar situation (two of us working too much, building careers and not paying enough attention to each others physical needs) all I can say is that if you want things to work you got to sort it now, not later. Otherwise it will kill the relationship. Waiting for your partner to read your mind and change ain't gonna happen. Unless you are both happy with no sex sooner or later one of you will find what they need somewhere else. There are couples/marriage therapists out there who can address desire issues. I suggest you find one ASAP. Good luck with what ever choice you make.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
OK STAV, I didn't come here for personal attacks. Don't make assumptions. This board is not for critisizing, it's for making constructive advice. No It's most defintely not all about me. I help her as much as possible to realize her potential, but it's up to her to make changes. Too many times she's said to me how much she needs to change, for herself, not for me, and I've been very supportive, but she never does it. And I'm still supportive. I am a very good husband and a very good person. I really don't feel like I should be defending myself here, so I'll stop. Thanks for all your posts, those of you who added value. Please don't reply back.
 

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I'm sorry bilygoat, i hadn't intended it to sound the way you've taken it. My sincere apologies. I was only trying to show that marriage is a partnership, and that sometimes the brighter, smarter, more together half has to make an effort to pull up the other one who is faltering. Her self esteem sounds terribly low, yet you are brimming with confidence. Perhaps there are things you could do to improve that?
 

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billygoat, I'm sorry you feel like you're being attacked.

Please don't take it personal. In a forum like this - people are asked to provide feedback based on small amounts of information concerning a situation, so in a sense, they have to be somewhat judgemental about aspects of your situation in order to provide feedback.

Frequently, people have had situations in their life or the lives of people they knew that will shape how they perceive your situation as well - that can be another thing that will color a person's feedback, and it has nothing at all to do with you. But it's still good to get different perspectives, because sometimes I see stuff that seems totally off-base, and it turns out to be more accurate than I initially thought.

"Personal Attacks" are against the rules on the forums, but I define them more as "name calling," "defamation" and "insulting" type stuff, so I'm not sure Stav's post qualifies.

So with that being said, if you want me to lock the thread, since you opened it, just send me a private message and I will do so. Hope this helps.
 

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When I read your post I had went back and read hers. Although critical I don't see it as a personal attack but rather her opinion.

One thing about forums is you are going to get a large degree of feedback and often from many sides of the coin. I have been in the majority and minority. But when someone gives a situation I give an honest answer to it. For the most part I don't try to come off as hard nosed or that only my opinion is right, however, the opposite would be everyone on the forums being cheerleaders and I think few things would be helped by it.

draconis
 

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Its very hard to tackle this situation. Many marriage falls down due to this and they can not do anything about it. Its all about balancing your lifestyle. Make a positive ground. I think ( my personal view) you should give her some time to think about the relationship because in this situation, both are suffering. You must be strong and hopefully she is too, so in order to know each other closely sometimes you need to be apart. Many people stick together for long time and still fails to know each other emotions.
Do not jump into conclusion. Sometime you have to sacrifice to make relationship bond strong. Maybe your job makes you very busy, maybe she is feeling that you are not interested on her anymore?, Do something new, take sometime out of your work, go to vacation or something, what are interests?, do lots of talking during sex, give her as much as you can to make her feel that she is amazing person not just by talking but by doing things.
I am not Pro but even pro can just hint you.

Please reply how it is going with this board.

Thank you and bless you.
 
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