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I read a lot of posts here, and am impressed with the advice and the sharing of feelings, ideas, and support. Sorry, this will be long. This is Part 1, the beginning

I am a musician who 5 years ago joined a band and played 5 shows together. Durning that time, I notifced the piano player had a woman always attending the shows. I thought it was his wife. On the fifth show, I asked who she was. He said a friend.
I said she was cute and he said, "Ask her out, you might get lucky". After the show I asked her out and we hit it off really well. Turned out she is a musician too performing with an orchestra that the piano play was in as well.

We courted for 6 months, but I never came over her home as she said it was a constant mess and she always insisted to come over to my apartment. After 6 months, we decided to get married in two months. Two weeks before the ceremony, her father told me that the piano player's broken car was in the garage and he insisted that the guy move it. I thought that was strange, but hey, they were friends. A week before the ceremony, I finally saw her house and moved in. I could tell it was a mess, but not as bad as she let on.

For the ceremony, she insisted that the piano player play music and be there. I agreed. During the toasting period, I made a speech to everyone that my wife and I were introduced by him. He looked very sheepish and quickly said he had to leave for another performance scheduled that day. Red flag starting to raise now.

On our honeymoon of one week, my wife's phone would ring once or twice a day. On the third day, I asked who keeps calling as we agreed to let everyone know not to call us. She said it was the piano player who keeps calling. I asked why is he calling? She said she did not know. Red flag unfurling now.

On the seventh day of being married and home now, he calls again and I tell the wife let me talk to him and she says no and tells him she can't talk now. At this point, I ask her, "Are you F'in this guy?" Silence, and then she said, "Well, we did a couple of times." I reminded her that I told her if she had anything going on, to stop and clear up her past or current relationships as I did the same by changing my number and emails and closing Facebook and Twitter. All she could do was apologize and promise there was no one else and she will not contact this guy anymore. He quit the orchestra.

In the third bedroom of the house, there is a desk that contained numerous emails she printed from a man who is married and he would visit her job at lunch and in those emails described their affairs. He stated that he loved her very much. According to the dates of the emails, their affair was at least 6 years. I also found a picture of my wife with yet another man posing together in snow. So, I confront her about the married man and she said that was long ago. When I produced a printed email dated one month before our marriage she admitted she was trying to let the guy down easy. I then asked her if she has ever been in snow. She said never. I showed her the picture of her and this third guy and she was silent, aplogizing for lying.

Next was counseling. She refused with the pastor of our church for fear of embarrasment. He mother was in denial about it all saying her daughter would never do this. Her dad was angry about it all and aplogized to me. Finally, we went to a marriage counselor who told me that my wife truly believes nothing is wrong and I am wasting money thinking she will change.

So after all this, and 4 years of marriage and closer observation of her, I have determined a few things explained in part 2

 

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Not being sardonic but I suspect there's few of us who could write a fair bit of part 2 !

 

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Part 2 - Roomates?

So, in the 4 years of me observing my wife's behavior, checking phone records, hacking into her email accounts (she has 3), accessing her cellphone voicemail, logging frequency of outgoing and incoming calls, I have determined a lot about her and now I feel stupid, naive, and offended.

The wife and her boss, trade glances, touch each other on the sly at functions, wink alot, and her body language moves closer to him. She says it is a brother / sister relationship and she has known and worked for him for over 15 years. He and his wife never sit together or show any type of affection. I caught the wife winking, smiling and rubbing his leg under the table at a function last night and a mutual female friend saw this and questioned my wife openly about how close is everyone at the office saying that is odd behavior. I told the wife on the way home I did not approve of this behavior as I have noticed it for a long time but since someone else noticed it, my concerns were valid. Of course the wife denied anything and said I was crazy and said, "I would never do anything to hurt you" I have learned when they say that line, they have. Maybe not in the future, but they have. So, I asked her, "Did you?". She looked for words and stumbled, so I say, "Just give me a yes or no" She finally said, "No." She is a liar.

Her close circle of friends consists of two guys, one woman and her husband. I've noticed the same gaze, wink, touching with one of the men, never the other guy. Definitely never the woman's husband. In phone records, the one guy would text with my wife many times a day. Never thought anything of it. But when going back over phone records I noticed when I was away on a business trip for a few weeks, they communicated constantly, but when I returned, no communication. They do not communicate at all anymore. So I ask the wife, "Have you heard from the guy?" She says no. "Why not?" I ask. "I don't know." she says.

The wife always takes her cellphone everywhere she goes in the house. Bathroom, by her side in bed, etc. I asked about it and she says, "Well, I have always done that and because I am heavy and it hard to walk, it is easier to keep it with me instead of having to walk to another room. Red flag.
So one day I looked at her contact list. The aforementioned piano player's phone number was there. I deleted it. So, I ask her, "Have you spoken to ....?" "No, I have not. I told you I deleted his number and have no desire to speak with him" So, I tell her that his number was in her phone. She apologized for lying. She said she saw him at a concert and they exchanged phone numbers and she does not know why she did.

So why do I stay and deal with this? Because her parents feel guilt and they pay for everything I need. They have money. I save mine. I know they want me to stay with their daughter. As they say, I am a good man and she will change. I don't think so at 55 years old.

However, I do feel apart from the marriage as the wife tries to show affection and love, but as I told her, "You may love me, but you are not in love with me." Our life is a facade, fake, to friends it is a hallmark marriage. I am living a lie. I'm apart from the real me dealing with this.

Thank you for reading. I feel better typing this.