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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I filed for divorce last month & the pain is just excruciating. My husband & I met 18 years ago as kids & after break ups and make ups ... got married 6 years ago. We had a beautiful 4 year old & life was great. We were never rich but love was abundant. He was wild when he was young and too much for me to handle. When we came together 7 years ago, he had just got out of prison for DWI's. I was dumb to think that a person like him could beat his demons but spoke so positive and had such dreams and high ambitions.

He loved me & my then 5 year old to the moon and back. He called us his saviors and we married not long after having our own angel. It's puzzling to me that I can not wrap my mind around why after so many years of not only doing well with us but successfully opening up 2 thriving companies that all of a sudden it seemed too much. Tempers got short, verbal and emotional abuse was at a high, work started taking all night long, bills weren't getting paid and he wasn't participating as a family. We refinanced our house to pay for debt that he acquired & 9 months later we sold our house and paid off more. It was obvious something was happening but it wasn't clear to me what. I wanted so badly not to lose my love or give up and believed it was just bad business.

During the last 6 months, I realized if I didnt learn to let him go then the depressive feelings that I was feeling was going to effect me more. He may of abandoned my kids but I am their rock and will not let anything stand in my way of caring for them, even if that meant letting him go. After blaming work overload for late nights, finding him passed out in the floor or passed out in a running truck with doors wide opened to our house at 3 am, many times... I made the decision to file after Christmas. It was a long & hopeful wait. Hoping miracle changes would come about or something could explain the last 6 months of basically him living in the garage but didnt happen.

After Christmas came and my sweet girl woke eagerly to see what Santa brought, she found her Dad passed out in the living room, not a Merry Christmas or anything all day. I filed and I moved out. It's very difficult owning a company and working a second job in Real Estate, taking care of 2 kids, downgrading to an apartment and getting everything manipulated back on me that its my fault for everything. I was the majority bill pay payee even though he made more. I feel like to compare to anything is to compare to mourning. I read it takes over a year to get over an ex and that seperating is a full time job on its own. I guess that explains the pain and how tired I am.

I hope this didn't ruin me on another relationship one day and trying one day at a time to counter all the negative attacks Ive received. I think he wanted to bring me down to his level and tried to do everything to do it. Turns out 2 weeks after the filing that a coworker of his came clean and told me that he was addicted to methadone and thought I should know. I know nothing of it but that it has stolen my husband. A couple weeks after that found another coworker that said he started pain pills and adderol(spl?) 1.5 years ago which is when I started noticing small changes. When I see him, I anger him immediately with just the sight of me.

He belittles, accuses and I know its probably jelousy that I am not on his level. I abandoned him ... i left him with the kids and took all hope ... I did this to him with my "controlling behavior". It's all my fault! Is that the denial speaking? He's staying in my rental, not paying a cent, contributing nothing to the children or myself. He's taking away income by living there and I had to contribute to keep the electric on bc he was living in the dark. He was handsome! The most handsome man with beautiful blue eyes, tanned skin and dark hair. Now his muscular form looks weakened, his eyes are lifeless... Not to mention he stopped caring as much for his appearance.

I guess I rambling about my lost love ... I mourn him for what he was and is so hard to see what he became. I want so badly to help but would he ever be the same? I know in reality I should not let him weasil his way in to our lives. I just hurt more BC of me being blamed for it all and I somehow think to myself ... what if? Am I giving up too soon? Did I in fact abandone him in his need or am I correct in believing he abandoned us longago with his first lies and hidden addictions. Turning it to God. If someone has some encouraging words, thank you.

My divorce is final is 4 weeks and I've realized I am not crying every day any longer, it takes a while longer but the pain is still there at just the thought or mention of his name. He's such an idiot, we had it all.
 

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From what you posted, divorcing him was the right thing to do.

You cannot change him. The only thing you can do is to change the way you interact with him.

His addictions are his problem and he will not address them until he's hit bottom. Apparently he's not hit bottom yet.

Right now you are the only adult parent your children have. You have chosen to save them from the hell that it would be to live with an drug addict for a father. If you had stayed, most of your energy would have gone into trying to save him from himself. Your children would have been lost.

Take care of your children. He will have to take care of his own problems.

Apparently you did not know him really. I think you loved who you thought he was. You did not love who is really is.
 

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Are you in IC? If not I think it would really be helpful for you because you are not doing anything wrong. Nothing was your fault as far as his actions are concerned. Addicts will blame shift because it makes them feel better and gives them justification to use and not face that it is their fault they use. Any excuse will do to use.

I would not say you are giving up on him as much as you are looking out for you and the children. He chooses to live that way and there is nothing you can do about it. Stay taking care of you and do some self work, get into IC.

I would suggest that you stop housing him and paying any bills for his comfort. He is an adult and not a responsibility for you, not while he is choosing to use and being nasty to you. But maybe you should hash that over with a counselor before you go cutting the power and ending the lease on a rental.

Read up on Ala-non literature and there is a great book called Co dependent no more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You are absolutely correct. I feel as if I keep everything inside and perhaps at the moment to release I just didn't even think of editing. I just ran with it, posted and did not proof.

I knew if I had put too much thought into writing, that I would have deleted. My private affairs are private and from the outside everyone always thinks things are wonderful. I think it's difficult to let go and post my feelings. My first post ever and just typed as quickly as I could type & re-reading now, white space was defintely needed.

You didn't miss a thing by not reading. I appreciate you pointing out my paragraph nightmare.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
EleGirl - Apparently you did not know him really. I think you loved who you thought he was. You did not love who is really is.

wow- that was a thought, that I hadnt even fathomed but as I let it sink in .. is true.

Kurosity - Thank you. I love to read and will check the book out.
 

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You are absolutely correct. I feel as if I keep everything inside and perhaps at the moment to release I just didn't even think of editing. I just ran with it, posted and did not proof.

I knew if I had put too much thought into writing, that I would have deleted. My private affairs are private and from the outside everyone always thinks things are wonderful. I think it's difficult to let go and post my feelings. My first post ever and just typed as quickly as I could type & re-reading now, white space was defintely needed.

You didn't miss a thing by not reading. I appreciate you pointing out my paragraph nightmare.
What you did, to just post a stream of thoughts is good. It's a way to get it all out. And you communicated where you are at emotionally pretty well.

More people would read it if you just hit the edit button and made it look like paragraphs with some white space every so often. You don't have to worry about the rules for what makes a paragraph.. .this is not a writing lesson. Just break the text up so it's not a wall of text.
 

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Here ya go... easier to read.....


I filed for divorce last month & the pain is just excruciating. My husband & I met 18 years ago as kids & after break ups and make ups ... got married 6 years ago. We had a beautiful 4 year old & life was great. We were never rich but love was abundant. He was wild when he was young and too much for me to handle. When we came together 7 years ago, he had just got out of prison for DWI's. I was dumb to think that a person like him could beat his demons but spoke so positive and had such dreams and high ambitions.

He loved me & my then 5 year old to the moon and back. He called us his saviors and we married not long after having our own angel. It's puzzling to me that I can not wrap my mind around why after so many years of not only doing well with us but successfully opening up 2 thriving companies that all of a sudden it seemed too much. Tempers got short, verbal and emotional abuse was at a high, work started taking all night long, bills weren't getting paid and he wasn't participating as a family. We refinanced our house to pay for debt that he acquired & 9 months later we sold our house and paid off more. It was obvious something was happening but it wasn't clear to me what. I wanted so badly not to lose my love or give up and believed it was just bad business.

During the last 6 months, I realized if I didnt learn to let him go then the depressive feelings that I was feeling was going to effect me more. He may of abandoned my kids but I am their rock and will not let anything stand in my way of caring for them, even if that meant letting him go. After blaming work overload for late nights, finding him passed out in the floor or passed out in a running truck with doors wide opened to our house at 3 am, many times... I made the decision to file after Christmas. It was a long & hopeful wait. Hoping miracle changes would come about or something could explain the last 6 months of basically him living in the garage but didnt happen.

After Christmas came and my sweet girl woke eagerly to see what Santa brought, she found her Dad passed out in the living room, not a Merry Christmas or anything all day. I filed and I moved out. It's very difficult owning a company and working a second job in Real Estate, taking care of 2 kids, downgrading to an apartment and getting everything manipulated back on me that its my fault for everything. I was the majority bill pay payee even though he made more. I feel like to compare to anything is to compare to mourning. I read it takes over a year to get over an ex and that seperating is a full time job on its own. I guess that explains the pain and how tired I am.

I hope this didn't ruin me on another relationship one day and trying one day at a time to counter all the negative attacks Ive received. I think he wanted to bring me down to his level and tried to do everything to do it. Turns out 2 weeks after the filing that a coworker of his came clean and told me that he was addicted to methadone and thought I should know. I know nothing of it but that it has stolen my husband. A couple weeks after that found another coworker that said he started pain pills and adderol(spl?) 1.5 years ago which is when I started noticing small changes. When I see him, I anger him immediately with just the sight of me.

He belittles, accuses and I know its probably jelousy that I am not on his level. I abandoned him ... i left him with the kids and took all hope ... I did this to him with my "controlling behavior". It's all my fault! Is that the denial speaking? He's staying in my rental, not paying a cent, contributing nothing to the children or myself. He's taking away income by living there and I had to contribute to keep the electric on bc he was living in the dark. He was handsome! The most handsome man with beautiful blue eyes, tanned skin and dark hair. Now his muscular form looks weakened, his eyes are lifeless... Not to mention he stopped caring as much for his appearance.

I guess I rambling about my lost love ... I mourn him for what he was and is so hard to see what he became. I want so badly to help but would he ever be the same? I know in reality I should not let him weasil his way in to our lives. I just hurt more BC of me being blamed for it all and I somehow think to myself ... what if? Am I giving up too soon? Did I in fact abandone him in his need or am I correct in believing he abandoned us longago with his first lies and hidden addictions. Turning it to God. If someone has some encouraging words, thank you.

My divorce is final is 4 weeks and I've realized I am not crying every day any longer, it takes a while longer but the pain is still there at just the thought or mention of his name. He's such an idiot, we had it all.
 

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Your story is terribly familiar, in the late 80's I had it all
great business, great house, had it all.

But alcohol and drugs killed the dream. I denied it was
happening until the bitter end, when it all came apart

But that was the start of the new beginning. Sober and clean
since 9/1/90. It takes work, continuous work to keep it together

I had to recently start going to AA again after years of not going
because my disintegrating marriage made me realize my life
had become unbalanced

Definately consider visting Al Anon, it's tough to walk in that
door. You became addicted to your husbands problems, that
became your daily job, dealing with him

Now you are free, but help yourself heal, it will make a
difference for the rest of your life
 
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