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Discussion Starter #1
How do you know if you are rugsweeping? How do you know if you are obsessing about it? How do you if you are not moving on? How do I know its a true R? How do I know if he is really being transparent? How do I heal?:confused:

How do you stop the mind movies? Now that I have a VAR in his truck I am having those stupid mind movies all the time about what I could possible hear. (haven't listened to it yet as I just put it in last night).

How do I know I'm not making it out to be something more then what it is?
How do I get my thoughts away from thinking about it when it isn't constructive thinking?

I am very overwhelmed and don't know how to answer these questions and have noone else to ask. If anyone out there can share how you worked through this I would appreciate your comments. Thanks
 

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How do you know if you are rugsweeping? How do you know if you are obsessing about it? How do you if you are not moving on? How do I know its a true R? How do I know if he is really being transparent? How do I heal?:confused:

How do you stop the mind movies? Now that I have a VAR in his truck I am having those stupid mind movies all the time about what I could possible hear. (haven't listened to it yet as I just put it in last night).

How do I know I'm not making it out to be something more then what it is?
How do I get my thoughts away from thinking about it when it isn't constructive thinking?

I am very overwhelmed and don't know how to answer these questions and have noone else to ask. If anyone out there can share how you worked through this I would appreciate your comments. Thanks
Unfortunately, IMO, a loyal spouse never knows if a true reconciliation has taken place until death due part the spouses.

And, even after death they may never know if other affairs took place and were never discovered. Once caught some cheaters get better at hiding the affair.

Alas, this is one decision only you can make.
 

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How do you know if you are rugsweeping? How do you know if you are obsessing about it? How do you if you are not moving on? How do I know its a true R? How do I know if he is really being transparent? How do I heal?:confused:

How do you stop the mind movies? Now that I have a VAR in his truck I am having those stupid mind movies all the time about what I could possible hear. (haven't listened to it yet as I just put it in last night).

How do I know I'm not making it out to be something more then what it is?
How do I get my thoughts away from thinking about it when it isn't constructive thinking?

I am very overwhelmed and don't know how to answer these questions and have noone else to ask. If anyone out there can share how you worked through this I would appreciate your comments. Thanks
Hi,

You can never know and a lot of the battle is accepting that.

You can only know what you feel now.

I found getting a counsellor really helped me get to the start of the beginning - rather than in the limbo you currently inhabit.

Give yourself the time and space to think about it - it's a process. I am sure some people move on in a matter of weeks and for some it will be never.

Remember, there is no pressure on you to resolve what is going on in your head - other than pressure from you.

You have suffered what for many will be the worst trauma they will ever go through and it takes a *lot* of time to start to get through it.

Post back with your thoughts. It helps and people on here genuinely care.
 

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A year out and I'm still in total limbo. I'd say we never really know. My WS failed a poly and still won't come completely clean. He told me in the beginning of this nightmare that he planned on taking it to his grave. Do I think he's cheating now? No. Do I think I will ever know the complete truth? No. Have I come to accept that yet? No. Thus my eternal limbo... BTW, counselor doesn't seem to have the answers to this question, either. I guess it's something you carry with you for life or eventually get tired of worrying about. Unfortunately, I think I'm the first of those two scenarios. Good luck. We all need it.
 

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Please take my answers with a grain of salt as I am only 4 months out. I am also a BS.

How do you know if you are rugsweeping?

If the both of you are willing to talk about it and it has not continued. You do not except excuses or the "just friends". Most likely YOU are not rugsweeping. You have to allow yourself to FEEL every emotion that comes, allow yourself to express them (short of violence) and still be able to hold each other in the pain. That is just a part of not rugsweeping. Another portion might just be the need for MC and/or IC.

How do you know if you are obsessing about it?

That is the hard part. I find myself on TAM and other forums as a way to vent and find out if what I am feeling is normal. I do not check his accounts as much anymore. But give yourself time. He/She just blew up the world as you knew it. This is your life right now...it is completely normal to obsess until you find the answers you need and figure out what is going to happen to your relationship.

How do you if you are not moving on?

That takes TIME. I have heard 2-5 yrs to completely heal. And that is without rugsweeping and/or gas lighting or repeat/new affairs. It also takes the WS participating in the healing in order to move on if you chose reconciliation.

How do I know its a true R?

Is the WS still in contact with the AP...if so that it is not a true R. Does the WS accept what they did was wrong and express their remorse....if not it is not a true R. Does the WS SHOW you their remorse....if not it is not a true R.

How do I know if he is really being transparent?

Trust but verify. You should have access to every email, facebook, twitter, linkedin account etc. You should have access to their cell phone and all computers. They should not be upset if you are checking on them. They should answer your calls and texts ASAP.

How do I heal?

Time and effort on both your parts.

How do you stop the mind movies?

I cannot help with that one. I did not suffer mind movies.

Now that I have a VAR in his truck I am having those stupid mind movies all the time about what I could possible hear. (haven't listened to it yet as I just put it in last night).

Do you have a VAR because you have not established a DDay? Or because you fear he is continuing?

How do I know I'm not making it out to be something more then what it is?

I do not know your back story to know that. But even if it was an abnormal amount of texts/emails, it is considered an EA. Most men do not realize how damaging an EA can be, until they see the devistation is causes first hand. Also, if you ask him how he would feel if you did the same and he winces, then you are on the right path.

How do I get my thoughts away from thinking about it when it isn't constructive thinking?

Again...time and honesty on his part.

I am very overwhelmed and don't know how to answer these questions and have noone else to ask. If anyone out there can share how you worked through this I would appreciate your comments. Thanks

That is why we are here. We want the help people that have been or are currently walking in our shoes. Keep posting and we will help you through it.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Sorry for the late reply. I appreciate all of the responses I received.

My H and I had a rough nite last night as he seen that I had posted on here (I have nothing to hide) and was none to happy that I had put a VAR in his truck. Needless to say it caused a huge fight.

I pose another question to you out there in TAM....How do you justify all the sneaking around on your spouse? The keyloggers, the spyware on phones and of course the VAR's? Isn't spying as bad as the actual cheating itself? I understand the wanting proof, but doesn't that fact that you are now keeping something from your WS make you just as guilty of keeping secrets?
 

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Sorry for the late reply. I appreciate all of the responses I received.

My H and I had a rough nite last night as he seen that I had posted on here (I have nothing to hide) and was none to happy that I had put a VAR in his truck. Needless to say it caused a huge fight.

I pose another question to you out there in TAM....How do you justify all the sneaking around on your spouse? The keyloggers, the spyware on phones and of course the VAR's? Isn't spying as bad as the actual cheating itself? I understand the wanting proof, but doesn't that fact that you are now keeping something from your WS make you just as guilty of keeping secrets?

He should look at it this way. You still care about him. If you didnt, then indifference and pity would had been the response.
 

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Sorry for the late reply. I appreciate all of the responses I received.

My H and I had a rough nite last night as he seen that I had posted on here (I have nothing to hide) and was none to happy that I had put a VAR in his truck. Needless to say it caused a huge fight.

I pose another question to you out there in TAM....How do you justify all the sneaking around on your spouse? The keyloggers, the spyware on phones and of course the VAR's? Isn't spying as bad as the actual cheating itself? I understand the wanting proof, but doesn't that fact that you are now keeping something from your WS make you just as guilty of keeping secrets?
Nope. My counselor told my WS to keep the GPS on his phone at all times. If you're married you should have nothing to hide. If trust has been broken, then it's gotta be earned back. If they love you, they'll agree to this.
 

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Well I brought the VAR back to the store. Was that a good idea? Idk....At thisd point I have no idea what is! Chris my H was sneaking around when he read my post. I need him to get something on my email to work. It just happened to be on there. Again, I have nothing to hide and am not ashamed posting on here! I actually thought it would be a good conversation starter. Very wrong on that thought.
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Well I brought the VAR back to the store. Was that a good idea? Idk....At thisd point I have no idea what is! Chris my H was sneaking around when he read my post. I need him to get something on my email to work. It just happened to be on there. Again, I have nothing to hide and am not ashamed posting on here! I actually thought it would be a good conversation starter. Very wrong on that thought.
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My WW found the VAR - I am sure after reading my posts on here. Once they know about the possibility of a VAR in the car it's a waste of time so you are right to take it back.

Of course, now you have no way of independently verifying if he is telling the truth - *he* is the loser here - not you!

It's really boring listening to a VAR anyway so you've saved yourself a job :)
 

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You can choose to not live like that. You need to build some trust. I know it is hard, but it is better than doing that. Trust me.
 

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Sorry for the late reply. I appreciate all of the responses I received.

My H and I had a rough nite last night as he seen that I had posted on here (I have nothing to hide) and was none to happy that I had put a VAR in his truck. Needless to say it caused a huge fight.

Of course he is upset. He caused you not to trust him.

I pose another question to you out there in TAM....How do you justify all the sneaking around on your spouse?

I do not sneak around on my spouse.

The keyloggers, the spyware on phones and of course the VAR's?

I never used any of the above mentioned. I check his phone, emails and facebook. Not as often as I used to. Mostly after a long weekend of working nights at the bar. I told him I would after Dday. I also told him if the passwords changed or he changed any settings that I would consider him to be cheating again and that would be the end of the marriage.

Isn't spying as bad as the actual cheating itself?

Nope. I never spied on him until he gave me reason to do so. He has also always had my passwords. And forgive me, but to lump cheating with spying is BS. One can bring home STDs the other just says you don't trust the person.

I understand the wanting proof, but doesn't that fact that you are now keeping something from your WS make you just as guilty of keeping secrets?

Nope. As I said before, he is aware that I will be keeping an eye on him. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Unless he wants to leave, then he can let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.
 
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