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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all and greetings from a new member.

First of all, I would like to congratulate all the hard work, suggestions, advices and shared life events from the members in this forum, you guys are brave, responsible and willing to get things fix. Kudos for that..! My situation is not at all much different than yours, but I do understand that each situation is unique and with its own experiences. This is my story...

My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have a very smart and beautiful girl who just turned 6 last December, we both have a decent life and the typical problems that a couple could have.

Things were pretty normal before my daughter arrived, and nothing out of the normal life at pre - during - post pregnancy stages, but something was developing inside her, and it took more than 5 years to develop the way it is now, and oh boy..! the bomb exploded..!

Last year was hard, I was diagnosed with cancer, my grandpa passed away and I needed to enroll in a deb management program in order to keep the boat floating, my wife couldn't deal with the money situation and that was the point that started all this. I found her telling lies about her situation, her job, our home, etc, all this was posted in Facebook. That was how I found out about all her lies and decided to close my FB account.

Based on that, I decided to go by myself to therapy. I thought that getting advice from a pro, explain my situation and how things are could be beneficial for my wife. It did help indeed. But helped more to me than her (this is something that I really recommend, go and talk to someone, it is good to “fix” yourself as well, even if you think or feel that you are OK).

Anyway, things reach a point where my wife was even thinking that I was cheating on her. Her insecurity became excessive, painful and toxic. I lost friends because of that, even I was afraid to join a gym because my wife could use that as an excuse for me to go and watch people in tight clothes, I know, you could say unreal, right? But it was not, it did happen.

It is hard to deal with someone who became passive-aggressive. Let’s take the gym thing as an example. I have some extra pounds that I want to get rid off; my wife was happy when I told her that I enrolled in a gym, but I cannot workout in the mornings because I need to take my kid to school, so I usually work out after work 3 times a week.

Yesterday I had a long day at work and told my wife that I will be going for a workout (5:30 PM), her response: “As you wish, I will be having dinner at 7:00 PM, with or without you”. You can imagine what I did, drive home. For my big surprise, I ended fixing dinner, taking care of dishes, kitchen, etc…and eating around 7:30 PM. She just wanted me home.

I can go on and on and on with more things….but not worth it. I just have a few things to say. There is nothing wrong to go to therapy; you will be amazed in how much good is behind it for you. Remember that in order to help someone, you need to be stronger than the other person and sometimes, no help is the best help for your spouse.

I know it may hurt, and sometimes we take things too personal, but remember that you are not doing things wrong, is just a condition that needs to be treated in a professional way. We got tired to be carrying all the blame, all the responsibilities; remember that sometimes you come first, you need to take care of yourself if you want to take care of others, we can make it happen, just do not give up, keep trying, ask for help when need it, then is up to you what to do next.

Thank you for your time and hope to hear from you soon.
 

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Hi X-wing i just read your post!

Im going through something similar but with a passive agressive and depressed husband. Even before his depression he had motivation problems but the Illness has asmplified it times 10. It sucks to say the least.

The past month i have realized the same thing you did, after blaming myself for alot of things i stoped back and realized nothing he said made sense and though i may contribute to some problems and i am not 100 percent to blame for it all, especially not his depression.

I really cant take anything he says personally because if i did i know i would end up in his situation. Which i certainly dont wish on myself or anyone else. We certainly dont get to choose our battles but if he we in my place and i in his he wouldnt have lasted so long. I have been dealing with him 4 months and though it stinks he certainly cant break me and thats a promise i made to myself.
 

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HYesterday I had a long day at work and told my wife that I will be going for a workout (5:30 PM), her response: “As you wish, I will be having dinner at 7:00 PM, with or without you”. You can imagine what I did, drive home. For my big surprise, I ended fixing dinner, taking care of dishes, kitchen, etc…and eating around 7:30 PM. She just wanted me home.
Oh boy, your wife is not being direct. She's hinting at things expecting you to guess what she wants. From this one thing it sounds like she feels ignored.

How many hours a week do the two fo you spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hello EleGirl,

Funny that you mention that, but usually we spent a couple of hours togheter after we put our daughter in bed. I am trying to get the most of that time.

Unfortunately, my wife's Doctor suggested her to spend more time for herself. She took the advice quite literal and sometimes I feel ignored (I did tell her this and how I feel). She spends more time in Facebook thatn with me...we can be togheter in the same room, but so distant in real time...I am trying so hard to put quality and not quantity in my time I spend with her.

And weekend we spend time as a family, and once a month we do have a date.

I avoid to talk about work, I am learning to listen to her, no matter what the topic is, I am learning in how to read her expressions and body language once again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hello LeoNyan,

Thank you for stoping by and share part of your situation. You are right, we are the one who let other break us, so I am glad you are taking that step.

It is quite hard to see a person you love break in pieces just right in front of you. In my case, my wife tried to blame for everything, she tried to make feel responsible for her failures, even the big D word crossed her mind, quite simple right?, " I just need to stop fighting so I can blame others".

We care so much for a person when we love deeply, and that feeling can blind us. I learn to let go sometimes, sallow my pride, bite my tounge and let my wife touch the bottom, when that happened for the very first time, next day she was calling her current Doctor, that was the push that she needed, and worked for me and her.

I made the mistake before to fix things for her, to tell het what to do, to suggest what needed to be done. She was in a comfort zone because of that, and I put myself in a position where I could be blamed for everything. I corrected that, I just give her ideas now related to what to do or what to say or what to think, etc....and is her responsibility to make or take a decision, so she can start to re-learn that process.

My best wishes for you and good luck.
 
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