All,
I wrote my stbxw a letter a few days ago and I'm struggling with whether I should send it or not. She loves me with all of her heart but I've asked her for a divorce.
I struggle because I want her to move on. To focus on herself and I worry that the following letter will make her want me more or will allow her to cling on to the hope that we will get back together. I don't want that because I truly believe that she needs to focus on herself rather than have a letter from me that she will remember with fondness and will impair her process of healing.
The letter is below; looking for your thoughts.
I wrote my stbxw a letter a few days ago and I'm struggling with whether I should send it or not. She loves me with all of her heart but I've asked her for a divorce.
I struggle because I want her to move on. To focus on herself and I worry that the following letter will make her want me more or will allow her to cling on to the hope that we will get back together. I don't want that because I truly believe that she needs to focus on herself rather than have a letter from me that she will remember with fondness and will impair her process of healing.
The letter is below; looking for your thoughts.
To my darling wife,
You are flying back to <home country> tomorrow... today... and with it being so close, it's really got me thinking about how much time we've had together that we've wasted, when we could have been talking about things, and we didn't. I'm probably not going to have time to really talk to you tomorrow and there are some things that I really do want to say to you. I would much rather be saying these to your face because that's how I feel that any conversation of any value should be had, so I'm sorry for this.
The last time we talked you said that you were sorry that we weren't able to make it work. I don't think that either one of us are really able to do that right now. I think that there is just too much hurt and that we're both broken. I look back on our marriage and I realize that I've been with you for the majority of my adult life and, as such, I have difficulty seeing where you start and I end. Some memories have faded over the passage of time and I don't trust my own recollection of them for fear that I might have forgotten something or rationalized those memories. Put simply, I don't trust myself or my perceptions of reality. Where once I had the utmost confidence in everything, now I have no confidence at all and it's thrown my entire world upside down.
You also said that you didn't really understand why I asked you to let me go. That's not fair to you. I have always told you that I would tell you the truth, in so far as I understood it on that day; so here it is.
I don't really know why; I'm lost. I don't know what I want, I have no focus, I'm hurting, I don't like myself, I feel like a failure both as a husband and a person.
What I do know is that there are financial issues left over from my own inaction that need to be addressed. I know that I do not want to move back to <home country>; I don't. I know that there are certain aspects of my personality that I want to develop and I haven't done so whilst I was with you (this is not your fault, it's mine). I know that you are unhappy in the <this country> and that you've lost your own direction and that you compensate by buying lots and lots of small gifts for yourself to fill that hole; I went through a similar process. I know that you want to live near your family, that you want our daughter to be near her family. I know that you want help raising her because I'm gone all week. I know that any job that pays me what I'm making now is going to involve travel, lots of it and that it's not going to make you happy. I know that you would decide to stay with me rather than move back to <home country> (where you want to be) if you were given the choice. I know that you making this sacrifice would be unfair. I know that we're both broken right now and that the current marriage that we have is broken; that we've built in patterns that we just naturally fall into and I don't think that they are healthy. I know that I never know what you are thinking; I have to guess, and when I do, I'm not sure if what you are saying is true. I know that when I've asked you if you had thoughts on something that you wanted to share you would say, 'not yet', but you'd never share them. I know that you feel lonely in our marriage; I do too. I know that you were miserable in <another country> (after the novelty wore off) and I think you've fallen into the same pattern in the <this country>.
When I look back at our marriage, I've never really been sure if you've been happy with me, you've never seemed to be. Maybe happy is the wrong word, maybe 'unfulfilled' is better. I have always known that you love me; I've never questioned that and I have seen that love in your face. We've been traveling together for our entire marriage, moving to different countries. I know that you've enjoyed the adventure and that we have been truly happy together. I think you seemed at your best [stress and tears aside] was when you were working at <a specific job>; you seemed to have purpose, your self esteem went up, you dropped some weight, you talked more; you seemed more in tune with life. Today, when I ask you what your goals are in life, you say "To provide a stable home for our daughter". I want that too, but I want more than that, not just for me but for you as well. I wish we'd learned to communicate better, to set goals together and to work together. You and I were always good at 'playing' together but we were never good at 'working' together; that's not who we are. I'm not sure that's who we'll ever be.
So why did I ask you to let me go? I guess because I need to deal with my own hurt, my own self. And I think you need to do the same. I think that you need to be on your own so that you can find yourself. I think that we need to be away from each other to find out who we are. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've over analyzed this and have come up with the wrong answer; I have so much doubt. But I've committed to this process. In discussions with others [mostly divorcees] I have been told that 'people never really change'. I hope they're wrong, because if they don't then I am going to struggle with myself for the rest of my life, regardless of whether I'm with someone or alone. I probably will.
Please understand that I don't blame you for anything. You are who you are and I am who I am. You are not responsible for us splitting up. We communicate differently and I think that we just never figured out how to talk to each other and work together to create new goals for "us". It took me a long time to figure out that all of those business ideas that I came up with were so that we could have a common project to work on, but they never took off. I suspect that's because neither one of us is really good at keeping with something unless we have to.
But overall, we have had some truly good times together and I want to thank you for them.
Thank you for all of the happy times. Thank you for laughing at my stupid jokes. Thank you for caring for me and thank you for loving me, even when sometimes I really didn't deserve it. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for comforting me when I was hurting and thank you for holding me when I cried. Thank you for sharing your time with me. Thank you for being my travel companion. Thank you for forcing me to grow. Thank you for giving me so much of yourself. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for giving me a beautiful daughter. Thank you for investing your time in raising her. Thank you for teaching me how to be a father. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being a truly beautiful soul...
...and you really do have one. Please don't forget that. It's going to be hard to remember that given where you're going. Please remember it.
I have tried to be a good husband and I think I have [for the majority of our marriage] succeeded; I hope I'm not wrong. I have tried to show you as much caring as you have shown me but I doubt that I have. I have done the best that I could and I'm sorry that I wasn't better. I am sorry for setting expectations for you and not always communicating them effectively. I'm sorry for getting frustrated when you didn't live up to my expectations rather than simply accepting it. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to find a way around those expectations. I'm sorry for putting you through marriage counseling; in looking back, we were both still reeling from events... so much hurt. I am sorry for blaming you in my frustration; that wasn't fair. I am sorry for getting angry at you. I am sorry for not always listening to you. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to communicate with you using your language. I'm sorry that I took you for granted and I'm sorry that I left you alone. I'm sorry that I got tired of asking you what you wanted. I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you about my own hurt and that I let that hurt push me away. I'm sorry that I couldn't do it anymore; I'm sorry that I gave up. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry that you are going back to <home country> because I know what it's going to be like for you for the first six months that you are there; I'm sorry that I won't be there to help you with those things. I'm sorry that I protected you so much. I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time with you. I'm sorry that I stopped giving you foot rubs without you asking. I'm sorry that I sometimes let my frustrations get the better of me. I'm sorry for, sometimes, expecting more from you than I have from myself. I'm sorry that I lost my focus. I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time with our daughter and give you more breaks. I'm sorry that I won't be around more to help with raising our daughter, I'll do what I can, when I can. I'm sorry that I didn't make more of an effort to understand you better. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I'm sorry that things are going to be so hard for you, emotionally and operationally in the coming year.
I ask for no forgiveness from you for any of these things; it's not my right to ask. But I do offer you mine, if you need it. I forgive you for all of the things that you might think that you did wrong; real or imagined. I forgive you for the things that you are going to do, or let be done in the future. I don't know if that means anything to you, maybe it doesn't, but it's there if it does.
And, I guess the last thing that I have to say is that I've read that people usually tend toward the following opinions when things go wrong: "I'm not okay", "You're not okay" or "We're not okay". What worries me the most is that I think that you are in the "I'm not okay" camp. I think that's because nearly everyone in your life has told you that you are not good enough. You've been called lazy, stupid, childish and many other names and because you didn't push back people kept on doing it. People have controlled you (myself included) because you really aren't bothered if someone does; you just kind of go with the flow.
You really do have a beautiful soul; you are a beautiful person and I wish that more people on this earth had your kindness, caring and patience because if they did the world would be a better place. But I hope you learn to stand up for yourself and that you stop using the words, "I can't". When I hear you say those words something deep inside me dies. My one wish is that you stop listening to that little voice in your head that tells you that you can't. You can, I've seen you do it. I've seen you go way outside of your comfort zone and flourish. And I've seen how you whither when you "can't".
This probably seems like a really long goodbye. In some ways, I guess it is; I'm saying goodbye to some of my hurt and frustration. I'm saying goodbye to the marriage that we had; good but flawed. I truly hope that you find happiness. I know you'll struggle for a while, but I want you to be happy. You deserve it and I hope you remember that. We'll talk again, of course; we do have a daughter to take care of after all.
Take care.
PS - Please don't feel obligated to respond to this. If there is something that you want to say, please know that you can say it. But if you don't want to or if you're not comfortable doing so then I won't take it badly. You don't owe me anything; you never have.