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Discussion Starter #1
I hope this is the correct forum to post this. I have been stewing on this and feel the need to get this off of my chest.

A few weeks ago while cleaning out the storage shed at my wife's mother's house I came across a large sealed box with a label indicating that it contained some old things of my wife's. I threw it in my car and took it home without a thought. Her mother is moving back to Europe and we have been needing to clean out.

A couple of days later I was taking it up to the attic when I dropped it and the contents spilled out. What I found has profoundly challenged my faith in my wife.

The box contained journals, pictures and videos that definitively prove that before we got engaged my wife was a prostitute. I also believe that my wife knew this was there as when I told her I was going to go and do this she told me not to worry about doing it until they get back. She and her mother have been in Europe for the last month and will not be home for a few more weeks.

Let me give you a little background on us. No children. Both nearing 40. We have been married for 9 years. We both have good careers. In fact a few years ago when she finished her PhD she started a new career as a professor. We are financially stable and have not had any serious issues. Except sex and that is only since she finished her doctorate. Well, maybe a little before. I also have a PhD but do not work in a university. And we are in very different disciplines

Up until the latter part of our doctoral work our love life was good. Sure, we had our ups and downs given career and academic stressors. But up until then we had a very active love life. Before we married we talked openly (I thought) about our pasts. Both of us disclosed that we had both had more than a few partners. But nothing that would come back to haunt us.

Now I find out that my wife was selling herself throughout college and up until we were dating. At first she was rather indiscriminate and then evolved into a very selective clientele. She had admittedly been a very adventurous woman and the journals in the box show a woman who was much, much more than just adventurous. It is obvious that she enjoyed her “professional” activities and was even more experimental on her own time. All of this was in the journals. She even taped some of her meetings in addition to her own encounters.

Another disturbing thing is that all of her writing, including the beginning of our relationship, she considered herself completely bi-sexual. I knew she had been with women. It doesn’t even bother me too much that she was promiscuous. I was also very promiscuous in those years before we met. What bothers me is the deception.

This is compounded by the fact that our sexual intimacy has declined sharply over the last few years. She is now almost completely disinterested in sex. Though she still enjoys being intimate. Once bordering on having an oral fetish, she has not given me a BJ in over 2 years and tells me that she now finds it and sex in general demeaning for her. She is clear that it is nothing I am doing or want her to do. For a time I suspected she was cheating on me. But I have investigated and discounted that to as great a degree as possible.

We have tried counseling, but she and councilors do not get along. A couple we are extremely close to are both psychologists and I previously talked to them about our sexual issues. They both agree that my wife is a psychologist’s “worst nightmare” because she is an amazing debater and has too much of a background in psychology.

Do not get me wrong. Aside from the sex we get along very well. We have reached a sort of détente, where every so often she will bend over for me. If I am in particular need and ask her for some, she will usually allow me to. But she is unengaged in it. And I cannot help but feel that my recent discovery is connected to our current situation.

I do not know why I am sharing this except for perhaps the cathartic act itself. I have made an appointment to speak to one of our old therapists. But she cannot see me for a couple weeks. In the mean time I have not said anything to my wife about this. And cannot even fathom how I will broach this with her when she returns.
 

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You were basically married under false pretenses. If this is a deal killer, you don't need to do anything.

Is your wife in menopause? If not, she's just doing the usual 7 year itch where the woman loses interest in her man. You're together 10 and this started 2 years ago, so it's about middle of the bell curve for this behavior. She may not have anything going outside yet, but she will eventually if you keep coasting on.

No kids?

Do you do the bulk of the chores around the house?

Who was dominant when you were having sex?

Who's the high earner? What's the disparity?
 

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What if you took her out to dinner, and then asked about this? Mchiavelli asked all the pertinent questions, read my mind in fact so this is my offering.
 

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"she now finds sex in general demeaning for her" She does not feel intimacy , emotional closeness, and bonding in sex, because of her past. In her mind, sex is being used for another persons gratification.

She may be a wonderful person now, but her past has scared her emotionally. She should have told you the truth before you were married.Sooner or later, you are going to have to make the choice, to confront her about not being truthful.
 

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Maybe it's this. Given her interesting and unusual past, her married life is getting boring. When it's the same old, same old, it cant trigger any juices in her. (A rephrasing of Mach?)

She's now nearing 40. Her body is still young and strong. The desire for strange is there.

What to do? I suppose it depends on her character and outlook of what she thinks her life is about?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
All very good points.

We live very active lives. Together for the most part. We always go on fun vacations and have fairly active social lives. We like to do adventure traveling sometimes to.

I do travel for work a couple times a year for a few weeks each time.

I began to feel during the last year of her study that she was changing. Mostly in her philosophical outlook. Its not something I could ever put my finger on. We do communicate pretty well and even when I ask her she doesn't seem to be able to explain herself. To me or herself.



To answer Machiavelli. I have not yet decided if this is a deal breaker. I do love her very much. And as I said it is the deception that bothers me most.

She is not in menopause. When we were more actively pushing the issue between us she was checked for any hormonal problems.

No. No children. She had an early term miscarriage once early on in our marriage. We kept on trying but were never successful. Medically there was no reason we should not have gotten pregnant. She has not been on birth control for most of our marriage. We are both healthy and physically fit. We usually workout together 2 or 3 times a week. We both work out at least 5 days a week.

As for chores, they are shared. I tend to do the outside of the house and anything that involves the use of a tool. She tends to do more cleaning. But I do help. I do all of the ironing because she burns everything. She warned me before we got married!

Sexually I tend to be more dominant. She would take the lead sometime. It really depended on what we were trying. We were pretty adventurous. We actively tried to please each other.

I earn more than her. By more than double. I have earned more than her since we met. We have complete transparency in our finances. I handle the investing and saving for the most part while she tends to take care of the day to day.
 

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Shame on her that she did not disclose that information to you. That says to me that she's really NOT ok with her past. She for sure has lasting issues with it. Shes embarrassed, ashamed, and feels really weird about it all. If she were ok with it, she would be able to share this information with a man she respects and loves enough to marry (she should at least).

I too, for a summer in between college and getting a job, was a prostitute. I didn't have a pimp, I never had a bad experience, everything was my choice 100% of the time, yet it still took a big mental toll on me. Honestly, it took me by surprise. When I stopped, it took me a couple years to even want to be sexual again, that was 4 years ago, and I am just now starting to be.

I want to say that her keeping momentos of her time as an prostitute is weird, and to the extreme that she did, IS unusual, but I too kept something from my time as a 'working girl'. I don't know why I kept it. I had actually forgotten about it, and then was doing a deep clean on my room recently, and found it.

There is no point in her going to therapy if she's just going to play games. She has to want to, and be ready to be real with herself. Its not easy, and its not really something I have been able to do either, however, I do have a great man that I am hanging out with right now. I told him very early on, as soon as things were heading in a sexual direction. It was freeing. It can't feel good to her to be hiding this from you this whole time. I don't have any advice on confronting her, other then, just do it. Take her the box and ask her why she never told you.

Edited to add, I could sit here and list a bunch of excuses why she felt like she couldn't tell you. I can absolutely see how the deception is a deal breaker. I say, hear her out first though before making any serious decisions.
 

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Okay, the obvious pitfalls that reduce the females attraction for the male don't seem to be present.

What is her change in "philosophy?" I can guess, but you can give me the straight scoop, so I'll just ask.

What did you do to investigate her activities when you previously suspected an affair?
 

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Both nearing 40. We have been married for 9 years. We both have good careers. In fact a few years ago when she finished her PhD she started a new career as a professor. We are financially stable and have not had any serious issues. Except sex and that is only since she finished her doctorate.
Well, you have here a situation where the sex ranks got changed while in the relationship. As soon as she finished her PhD she figured she could now do better and her interest in you dropped. The timing isn't a coincidence.

To complete the picture:

This is compounded by the fact that our sexual intimacy has declined sharply over the last few years. She is now almost completely disinterested in sex. Though she still enjoys being intimate. Once bordering on having an oral fetish, she has not given me a BJ in over 2 years and tells me that she now finds it and sex in general demeaning for her.
She didn't have an oral fetish. What she was doing was servicing you in a way many prostitutes feel easier than vaginal sex (don't have to moan and pretend to be into it and are in control) and now she feels she doesn't have to do it anymore.

You probably had some sort of sugar daddy thing going without your knowledge. Right now she feels perfectly safe that you won't go anywhere and she has her own legit career. Things have changed.

Personally i think you should at least make a rough patch in your marriage to see if she fights for you or if she just dumps you on the spot. Or you are going to always wonder exactly what kind of relationship do you have.
 

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She slept with you until just around the time she got her PhD. Then all of a sudden she found sex demeaning with her husband? It's all very odd. Why would sex become demeaning once she got her ticket academically?
My gut would wonder if she has a girlfriend.
 

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None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.

OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.
 

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If there is full transparency with finances, Then there should also be full transparencies with sexual history. I would also look into her having an affair with a OM/OW. Her history is extremely suspect.
 

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None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.

OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.
:iagree:

The scenarios that people are coming up with and presenting as fact do not serve the OP well at all.

She should have told him about her past 'career'. That was a huge wrong on her part.

But the reason that their sex life is not going to well is unknown. The OP will need to talk to her and perhaps to go counseling to find out what's up with her. To assume it's because she has some devious motive when people know zitch about her is rediculous. I hope that the OP is wise enough to filter through this nonsense.
 

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If there is full transparency with finances, Then there should also be full transparencies with sexual history. I would also look into her having an affair with a OM/OW. Her history is extremely suspect.
So finances = sex? What?
 

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So he only needs to validate that she was indeed a prostitute. That she had a hidden past. But of course someone will come up and say the past is the past and it is not his business. That it is her body and she can sell it if she wants. Yadda yadda. Wondermous.

I think the OP knows what he must do here. Before this however he should make sure things are in order to protect himself as much as possible.
 

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None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.

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Illbehisfoolagain;.....You are being a little harsh on your fellow posters. The idea behind these types of forums is to be able for the original poster to get a wide variety of; opinions , thoughts, perspectives from people with different back grounds.

If you label other peoples ideas as "crazy" you are cheating yourself, by not being challenged with ideas opposed to yours. Having your thoughts challenged will cause your thinking and understanding to grow.

The OP has enough intelligence to consider all opinions and consider which ones fit his particular situation
 

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None of you can even begin to assume or pretend to know what is going through her mind. I think its pretty unfair, and bordering on down right crazy, to be making up these elaborate scenarios in your head, about something you don't have a clue about.

OP you won't know why she felt the need to hide this from you, and then let you find out the way you did, until you talk to her about it. I suggest you do it sooner then later.
Just because you don't have a clue it doesn't mean one can't point out the amazing string of coincidences that this situation has. Your solution is to "talk" to her. You mean the woman who managed to hide for years she was a prostitute? Exactly what level of credibility can he attribute to it?

My way he will at least be able to test it. Make it rough over this issue and see if she really wants to be with him or he was just the sugar daddy. Your solution takes him nowhere, because he can't believe a single word she says. Her actions will tell all.

She fights for him-> she has genuine feelings and the OP handles that

She just dumps him -> He was a sugar daddy that has become redundant now that she has her own legit career.
 

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So he only needs to validate that she was indeed a prostitute. That she had a hidden past. But of course someone will come up and say the past is the past and it is not his business. That it is her body and she can sell it if she wants. Yadda yadda. Wondermous.

I think the OP person knows what he must do here. Before this however he should make sure things are in order to protect himself as much as possible.
No he needs to do a lot more than validate that she was a prostitute. I think he already knows that anyway from what he found.

He needs to decide is he even wants to stay with her. And if he does, how they can get over her current issue of feeling that sex is demeaning.

Generally the past is in the past. But there are some things that are not that simple. Being a prostitute is one of them because many, if not most, prostitutes have baggage that they cannot get over.
 

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Generally the past is in the past. But there are some things that are not that simple. Being a prostitute is one of them because many, if not most, prostitutes have baggage that they cannot get over.
So the past doesn't really matter but it may if someone was a prostitute:scratchhead:

Really?

That's a dangerous attitude to have and it helps when one wants to rugsweep.

He's been in a sexless marriage and his wife had a very unhealthy lifestyle which she enjoyed. Not only that but his marriage was based on deception. He has the right to look through all the skeletons in her closet he wants.
 
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