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Greetings,
I need some advice on an intimate matter between me and my fiancé. We are both in our 30’s. I have been through a few relationships in the past. Never married. My fiancé, had a marriage arranged when she was 18. She is Mexican and her father is a hard line traditional Mexican that believes in this type of thing. She divorced at 21. Has 2 kids out of that marriage. Has never been with a man since – willingly. Without going into detail, she has a 3 yr old daughter, too. She has told me, before I came along, men to her were useless and she was convinced she had what she needed, her kids and herself. Well, love has conquered all. We can now not be without each other. Now to my concern; She is worried that she will not satisfy me – sexually. Because, she has never felt love and has no experience for all intent and purposes. We have only kissed. Now, I have never had to ‘teach’ a woman before. So, I am concerned. How far do I take it when we get past kissing? How do I know when to stop it at the right time? Meaning, when we are getting more intimate – I don’t want to stop it at the ‘wrong’ time. On the other hand, I don’t want it to be too overwhelming for her the first time. I know when this time comes, she will be feeling nervous and maybe even have some anxiety. The reason I feel this way is, the first time we kissed I felt her shaking she was so nervous. The first time she came over to my house, she was so nervous she was shaking again and I just had to hold her for some minutes so she could get comfortable. I think you get the picture. I want to do this right. I want it to be as special as possible. I am in no hurry for this to happen either. Its not about that at all. I want to be able to teach her the things she wants/ needs to know. But, I also want to go about it in a manner that will not have her thinking Im a freak or something. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
 

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First, I just want to say good for you for thinking of her first. I'm glad you understand her reaction has little to do with her desire to be with you and mostly with her past experiences.

That said, you may have a long road ahead. Perhaps some counseling could do a good job for her and for you to seek advice from forums that deal with rape situations. There may be times 15-20 years down the road that you will move to touch her and she may still react negatively. Fortunately, you sound like a patient, caring person and that will probably be exactly what she needs. Just act normally and listen to her. If she says back off, do so and try again later when she's feeling more comfortable. Make sure she's not feeling guilty about needing some space and that you're there to support her. I personally think you're doing it right. Good luck.
 

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How long have you been together?
Have you set a wedding date yet?
Why dont you talk about it with her, you dont necessarily have to have "relations" before you get married. You could tell her how you feel about this, how you dont want to upset her or hurt her or push her. Let her be the one to guide YOU. It sounds like she really wants to be intimate and please you, ultimately.
You could try things to be SUPER romantic to let her know how much she means and perhaps this will shed her of her maybe old cold ways she had with her past. Arrange a night where you cook her a fabulous meal with rose pedals that lead to the table, pull out her chair, surprise her with a small special box of chocolates or earrings? Maybe these things will help her to warm up and WANT to be intimate.
Don't let it be a barrier about her past or her father...I get the impression it's not something that will be forever with her.
You could maybe tell her that you can save your "relations" for your wedding night--let it be something you both can look forward to and work towards :)
All the best to you!
 

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You sound like a nice guy! Go slow and let her body tell you how far to go. I think the body has its own way of speaking during passion or foreplay. Remember foreplay is good and if your still unsure maybe after things heat up she will take the lead. Good luck!
 

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I know you did not want to go into details, but if her 3 year old was conceived in a non-loving way where she was not a willing participant, she will most likely need professional counseling to work through that trauma.

If that's not the case, I think what you are doing, taking things slowly, being patient and understanding, are the right things. The more comfortable she gets over time will likely begin to show and you will feel more comfortable taking the next step.

My only concern would be if she has the idea in her mind that she doesn't want/need physical intimacy and wants a relationship but not intimacy. I would take care in making sure she is at the mindset you need before getting married or you may be in for disappointment down the road. If she wants it, but is merely insecure about it, just keep taking things slow. Loving, gentle touching and kissing are ways over time that most women will respond positively to in getting mentally ready to go further.
 
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