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These don't really have to do with anything in my life, rather its stories I've heard from others that got ne thinking.

First - does it really matter if you're married or not? Some people who have cheated justify it by saying "its not like we're married." Sure maybe there's no piece of paper saying so but you live together, have tied your life to this person. What difference does it make if have that magic piece of paper or not?

Second - i hear this one a lot when someone is telling me they've been cheated on.....it basically involves them being broken up at the time. Not a little break, but a fight that ends with "we're through!! I hate you!!!" Then they go their seperate ways, sleep with someone else but get back together later....nd they always think of it as cheating. If you're not in a relationship with someone how can it creating??
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Well, all that matters is according to the agreement you have with your partner.

Some people think of being with others while being separated as cheating. That is the main reason why a spouse asks for separation is usually always to mess around or because they have been.

Some religions ask for chastity until marriage. It all depends really especially nowadays where you don't have to buy the cow since the milk is free.
 

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Well, I kicked my husband out of the house on D day, we lived apart for 5 months then got back together. When I kicked him out I was DONE. He had to convince me to give things another shot. Anyway, during that time he hired a hooker for a BJ. I consider that cheating, no two ways about it. On the one hand he was begging me to take him back, and on the other he did that. We were in MC at the time together.

If it had been me who cheated after kicking him out, he would have also considered that to be cheating, although it probably wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for him after what he'd just done. More importantly, *I* would have felt like I cheated.

As for being married or not - what does it say for the future of your relationship if someone cheats on you during the courtship stage, when supposedly you're supposed to be on your best behaviour???
 

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First - does it really matter if you're married or not? Some people who have cheated justify it by saying "its not like we're married." Sure maybe there's no piece of paper saying so but you live together, have tied your life to this person. What difference does it make if have that magic piece of paper or not?
At it's core, betrayal is betrayal. Perhaps with the magic piece of paper, our perception of this betrayal is magnified?. I think people's feeling about it are relative.

For me, things change significantly with the introduction of children. I have a glitch about 'family' and how thats bigger than the sum of the parts. So if you asked me, there's zero difference with or without the paper, but you bring in the babies... That's a game changer.

Second - i hear this one a lot when someone is telling me they've been cheated on.....it basically involves them being broken up at the time. Not a little break, but a fight that ends with "we're through!! I hate you!!!" Then they go their seperate ways, sleep with someone else but get back together later....nd they always think of it as cheating. If you're not in a relationship with someone how can it creating??
AHHHHHH....

Now that we all know what we know about 'fog' and rewriting, etc...

That brings up an interesting question when you autopsy old relationships.....

These fight you mentioned that led to this brief breakup... Were they intiated as a result of what we know? One of the two had met or had a OM/OW... Briefly fell into the 'fog'... did what we know they do... fought, insulted, took away sex, etc... Then broke up. Sexed up the OM/OW, came outta the 'fog' or got it out of thier system and then got back together...

Knowing that likelihood is high.... Was it cheating? I think it was, minus the guilty conscience.
 

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These don't really have to do with anything in my life, rather its stories I've heard from others that got ne thinking.
Hey you know what? I like these questions! I'll bet you money several people have wondered about these, and I'm glad you had the courage to actually ask. Let me give you my own personal opinion one at a time--and bear in mind I'm not sure there is a "right" or "wrong" answer here, but this is what I think and I'll also explain why.

First - does it really matter if you're married or not? Some people who have cheated justify it by saying "its not like we're married." Sure maybe there's no piece of paper saying so but you live together, have tied your life to this person. What difference does it make if have that magic piece of paper or not?
In my opinion it DOES matter if you're married or not. Now to be clear, I do not think that getting a marriage license from your state and paying some fee makes you "married"--I think that making a lifelong commitment before God and your family and friends makes you married and then doing the legal requirements just makes it...well more legal! LOL

So when two people are dating, the whole point of dating is that you are not committed yet. Now eventually you might date, then date exclusively, then get engaged...these are all progressively more and more close to lifelong commitment, and yet they aren't quite there. If you're dating and you give the impression you're dating EXCLUSIVELY but you're also dating another person at the same time, I don't know if I'd call that cheating but it's definitely a betrayal of trust! And if you are engaged, that is some deeper level of saying they are your only one and you intend to marry them...and yet the actual lifelong committing has not yet taken place. If you were engaged and had another person on the side, it would be a HUGE betrayal of trust and it would be unfaithfulness in the sense that you made a promise to some day marry and broke that promise.

But in my personal opinion, dating exclusively, being engaged, even living together do not carry the same level of moral and legal commitment that comes with actually being married. Here's why. When you do get married, you stand before God, your family and your friends--the people who will be part of your life--and you make promises to your spouse that create a covenant between you and that become legally binding. It's not as romantic, but it's like signing a business contract. You can make promises all you want to the business about anything: prices, services delivered, due dates, anything...but once you SIGN A CONTRACT then it is enforceable! It's kind of similar here. Once you stand before God and your friends and family, then certain things are due to your spouse: that you will stay with them through all the ups and downs, that you will forsake ALL OTHERS, and that you will spend your whole life learning how to love them. Until that commitment is actually made, well there just isn't a commitment!

Second - i hear this one a lot when someone is telling me they've been cheated on.....it basically involves them being broken up at the time. Not a little break, but a fight that ends with "we're through!! I hate you!!!" Then they go their separate ways, sleep with someone else but get back together later....and they always think of it as cheating. If you're not in a relationship with someone how can it cheating??
Well here's my thought: If the couple were in one of those "less than committed" relationships like being engaged or living together, even if they were broken up, it would be some level of a betrayal of trust for the one they love who has at least promised some day to be committed to then run off within such a short time and sleep with someone else. Now I understand they are broken up--and thus the two would no longer be a couple and would be independent individuals. But the idea is that when they were a couple, it was serious and there was a promise to some day commit. If that was true, and one day the two were going to commit to each other for life, then how could the one person get to the level of intimacy with someone else so fast?

If the couple were actually married and there IS a lifelong commitment involved, then having a big fight and saying "We're through!" does not end the commitment or finalize the legalities. That means they are living in different locations but still committed--if nothing else, by legalities! In that instance, BOTH OF THEM had made a promise, not to have their needs met, but to spend their lifetime learning how to love their spouse. The fact that they had a fight in no way negates that promise (said before God and friends and family). If they wanted to negate the promise, they can do that, but there are legal procedures and things to go through...and until that's done, they are committed! So they would completely still be bound to each other and if they go off and sleep with someone...how did they get to that level of intimacy with someone else? It would definitely be cheating!
 

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Yes it matters if you're married. Marriage is a commitment to your spouse for as long as you're married.

But what about being engaged? When I met my wife 26 years ago she was engaged. I felt she was fair game until such time she tied the knot and I wrestled her away from the other guy before that happened.

Maybe that was wrong of me but I didn't think so at the time. It took 23 years, but I guess the guy will be happy that I finally got hit by the karma bus when she had her affair.
 
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