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Hello to all,

My story begins with the meeting of me and my spouse. We meet in high school and we have a great relationship. We were each others first love and sexual partner. We both attended church, we both shared the same values and goals. Early in our relationship we spent a great deal of focusing time on each other. We were great with all our needs except sexual needs. Intimacy has always been a problem with us. The thing that I thought that would come easy as long asa the love was there was our biggest issues. At first we felt as if we was out of place due to the fact that we didn't have a place of our own. Coming from our religious background, it was understandable on both of our parts. We went to school together, graduate college, and we got our own place. Once we got our place together we still wasn't sexually involve. It really hurt because we worked in other parts of a relationship well. There was many times that we talked about about the issue. the next problem was that, we wasn't married and it doesn't feel right. Once, my spouse told me that instead of me worrying about our sexual problems I should worry about getting right with God. That really hurt me being the fact that we were attending church regularly.

Fast forward and its been x amount of years into our relationship and that intimacy was still not there. we talked more about it and it always was that it would get better. as the time went pass we decide to get married. I love my spouse but the day we got married was the day i knew we was in an unhappy marriage. My spouse didn't have any intimate relationships with me the day we got married. The second day, of marriage my spouse did not want to have any intimate relations with me. I begged for something. I didn't got much. No one will know what that pain feels like. When you have tried everything to get someone to make love to you and there is no reaction, its very hard and sad. My spouse once tried to set ups day out of 2 weeks for us to try and have sex. i remember feeling like do other couples pick days to have sex. I never thought that we would need to plan out having sex or any intimate relations. I cried, I worried, and I prayed.

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. a few years after the I do still no change. At this point I'm at a very low. Maybe I should have broke it off with my spouse while we was just a couple and not married. But in my mind things would get better i was being optimistic. Cause i did love my spouse and still do but, its hard loving someone with no intimacy. its very hard when thats the only person you been with but they do not want to have sex with you.

Its been 9 plus years total and we as a couple is still pure. No infidelity,but, no intimacy either. One day I meet a friend of the opposite sex. We connected and have conversation from time to time and it was harmless. I tell my spouse about it and get instructions to end the friendship. I really don't know what happen but I have been truthful and got treated as if I had an affair. After our discussion I did went back to this person and tried to end our relationship. In that moment of though we saw that we did enjoy each others time more than we thought. We continued to talk and we eventually ended up having an affair. I know it was wrong, I feel bad about it everyday. It wasn't right. I hate me for it. I ruined me all over this. It hurts cause I lost me. The me who vow to myself to never do that to anyone. It really broke me but, at the same time I never felt so alive. I never felt more loved in my life. I know that temptation will dress itself in the things you want and desire most and strike when you are at your most low. It really had me.

I had fallen at my weakest point. but I also fell in love with this person. I know I should not have but, I did. I know my marriage was broken and that action hasn't make it better. I hurt cause no matter what happens in my life I lose. I love my spouse but its hard to continue when you know our problem won't change. We have then seen a counselor. While we are in that room there we plan and say things we will do but things don't get don't. We still don't have sex, we still are not intimate. and i'm so sad and unhappy. I am also sorry cause i know that my spouse wants it to work but how. I don't get nothing out of any of this. I can not get my spouse to want me and i can not break my spouse heart by being with someone out of an affair. I know an affair is just a rush, a spur in the moment. I also know that everyday i wake, i still hurt and will forever. Although it was an affair it felt real to me.

I told you the story with as much detail because i need someone to see what it was for me. No nothing can validate an affair its just morally wrong, I know. But has anyone been in my shoes or position. This has thought me so much about life. I really just wanted a support system and suggestions on how i should feel. Cause i am broken and beaten and I try to go on everyday as if i can put it all behind me. I know I should be there for my spouse at all times and I am but, who is there for me when I need a shoulder or a back rub? When my tears fall who helps dry them up? I know i deserve worst. Theres only one rightful punishment for sin. But I just want a stable love. I just want someone to understand me. Understand my pain.
 

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I haven’t been in your position. But I am unfortunately on the other side. I was betrayed by my wife of 17 years, met when we were 16. I thought we had a pretty good marriage. Chaos has ensued since I found out and I now live alone with my children, we had to start again from scratch.

The only advice I can offer is this: End your marriage on honest terms, Inform your husband of your affair. Do not go off with your affair partner, he has filled a hole in you but you need to take time for yourself and become confident in who you are. If your H asks for marriage counselling perhaps take this up, but it sounds like you are done in your M.

I can tell you if you have children, going off with the other man will destroy them and your H.

I’ve nothing else to offer I’m afraid.
 

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Your cheating is totally on you but you do not have a conventional marriage. Sex is essential to a marriage and it seems yours has not been consumated, your spouse is equally to blame for this. Is your spouse gay by any chance, what is causing you not to consummate the marriage? Have you two discussed the reasons for the non consummation?
It is better you confess what you have done and decide to annul the marriage as you have not consummated it.
 

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I really feel for you. It seems like you tried your best and you were as patient as you could be. Your spouse just couldn't compromise. There is something seriously wrong with your spouse that he/she needs to get help for.

But you're correct that your solution to the problem was not right. You need to be forthright and honest, not sneaking around behind your spouse's back. For your own sake and your spouse's sake, you should end this marriage. At that point, you can be with your affair partner. Please tell me your affair partner is single!
 

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Ok do I have a larger response about this when I have more time but I have two questions that would help guide my response.

Have you ever had sex with her?

Was your response to her when she tried to schedule sex what you posted or is that just what you thought in your head? Not that a lot of this is normal or right but YES, even couples in healthy intimate relationships will schedule sex at some points in the relationship. She may have denied you even then but I'm getting a sense this isn't all about NO intimacy at least not in the beginning but more of a disappointment of how you thought intimacy in a relationship would be. Expectations. She has sunk well below the lowest of expectations but I'm trying to see if there are openings here or if you missed opportunities.
 

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I just want someone to understand me. Understand my pain.

Forget the Counseling. It ain't gonna change your spouse from being a block of ice to a red hot chile pepper. Your spouse wants to "work it out" so they can maintain the status quo that works for them. My advice is to ditch the room mate and get yourself a real spouse. In the final analysis, you're either going to have to put up a dry, no sex marriage for the next 5, 10, 20, 40 years or upgrade to a working model.
BTW, beating yourself up over the affair is a wasteful exercise. Your spouse has you on a starvation diet and you didn't take anything from your spouse that they wanted anyway. Imagine what it would be like to get your current, sexually and intimately comatose, spouse out of your life and replaced by someone, perhaps like your affair partner, who wants the full monty in a relationship.
 

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You can pray, read all the books you want, talk yourself blue in the face and nothing will change.

Cheating was a cowardly stupid move.

Obviously you have trouble making decisions. File for D like you should have in the first place and move on with your life.
 
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