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Hello all, I just discovered this forum today, and thought it might be beneficial to have a place to talk about my situation. First off, I'm a mid-western white male 45yrs old and I've been married for nearly 18 years to my wife who is about 5 yrs my junior and we have two children,14 and 7 yrs. Over the course of our relationship I have been gone more than I've been home. At first it was due to deployments and training as I was an active duty service member in the US Army. After ETS I took an oilfield job ( at her suggestion ) that has kept me away for several weeks at a time with shorter periods of home time...generally a week to two weeks and I've been doing this for about 15 yrs. This has been a very lucrative career, but of course I'd rather be at home more with my family.
Over the course of our relationship my wife has grown more and more distant, beginning in the first couple of years after transitioning to civillian life. I'll save the details for another post, but she essentially hasn't had any interest in me unless she was trying to become pregnant. Now, at 18 yrs into this, she has completely stopped even saying "love you" before bed, and we have little to no physical relationship. I can elaborate if anyone would like to talk about it, but obviously I am frustrated and feeling unwanted. Thanks for your time.
 

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@TheUnwanted74,

I'll jump in with one thought: when a man is deployed, the lady is at home "holding down the fort" and kind of gets used to running the household and making her own decisions, etc. Then when the fella comes home, well he's used to the chain of command, and suddenly she's below him on the chain! All that time she had been "in charge" at home, and now even if the two of them get along great, there's still someone around to take into consideration.

So after your ETS she suggests a civilian job that still has you gone (so she can still run the home and be in charge of herself) and that brings in some good bucks! For her, the job might be viewed as a double win, in a way--but for you it's a win/lose because it pays the bills and then some...but you aren't home.

Here's the thing: when a person is away--I don't care if it's the guy or the girl that is away--the one that at home gets used to being on their own. Closeness and intimacy is not nurtured when people are far apart from each other. Distance and growing apart ARE nurtured. So the first thing that jumps to my mind is that even if we assume the best of your wife [aka: she's not cheating or anything untoward], being far apart from each other for deployments and for work is going to nuture distance and growing apart. To grow closer and more intimate you need to work on a plan to a) live in the same house permanently, and b) rebuild the closeness.

Think of the closeness in your marriage like a garden. There is a stone wall around your garden. No one else should get in your garden. The garden is vibrant and growing and beautiful. But you moved so that you lived outside the garden. While you were away, the garden still grew, but weeds also grew. It started to be untended. You'd come back and tend and prune from time to time, but the garden began to get over-run. Now the garden is not really all that full of life anymore. It's not blossoming and blooming--just the weeds are growing. And it's no longer healthy and beautiful. BUT IT COULD RETURN to it's former, glowing, colorful beauty if you moved back inside the garden's stone wall and began to tend it again. You'd have to start with weeding. You'd have do some edging and trimming. You'd have to turn and re-fertilize the soil maybe with some compost. It wouldn't just "go back to the way it was" but if you put the effort into tending your garden again, it could be vibrant and growing and beautiful again.
 

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There has to be something said, if your wife doesn't tell you no longer she loves you , Huston we have a problem. If she cares she should tell you, what other signals are you getting from her? Have you been up front and candid with her? What are her Love languages?what are yours? If you see or feel no other vibes then get this...

The Five Love Languages
Book by Gary Chapman.

Then this can help you, learn what she needs for you to love her as she needs.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@TheUnwanted74,

I'll jump in with one thought: when a man is deployed, the lady is at home "holding down the fort" and kind of gets used to running the household and making her own decisions, etc. Then when the fella comes home, well he's used to the chain of command, and suddenly she's below him on the chain! All that time she had been "in charge" at home, and now even if the two of them get along great, there's still someone around to take into consideration.

So after your ETS she suggests a civilian job that still has you gone (so she can still run the home and be in charge of herself) and that brings in some good bucks! For her, the job might be viewed as a double win, in a way--but for you it's a win/lose because it pays the bills and then some...but you aren't home.

Here's the thing: when a person is away--I don't care if it's the guy or the girl that is away--the one that at home gets used to being on their own. Closeness and intimacy is not nurtured when people are far apart from each other. Distance and growing apart ARE nurtured. So the first thing that jumps to my mind is that even if we assume the best of your wife [aka: she's not cheating or anything untoward], being far apart from each other for deployments and for work is going to nuture distance and growing apart. To grow closer and more intimate you need to work on a plan to a) live in the same house permanently, and b) rebuild the closeness.

Think of the closeness in your marriage like a garden. There is a stone wall around your garden. No one else should get in your garden. The garden is vibrant and growing and beautiful. But you moved so that you lived outside the garden. While you were away, the garden still grew, but weeds also grew. It started to be untended. You'd come back and tend and prune from time to time, but the garden began to get over-run. Now the garden is not really all that full of life anymore. It's not blossoming and blooming--just the weeds are growing. And it's no longer healthy and beautiful. BUT IT COULD RETURN to it's former, glowing, colorful beauty if you moved back inside the garden's stone wall and began to tend it again. You'd have to start with weeding. You'd have do some edging and trimming. You'd have to turn and re-fertilize the soil maybe with some compost. It wouldn't just "go back to the way it was" but if you put the effort into tending your garden again, it could be vibrant and growing and beautiful again.
I appreciate your insight. Its always good to hearan outside perspective, imho.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
There has to be something said, if your wife doesn't tell you no longer she loves you , Huston we have a problem. If she cares she should tell you, what other signals are you getting from her? Have you been up front and candid with her? What are her Love languages?what are yours? If you see or feel no other vibes then get this...

The Five Love Languages
Book by Gary Chapman.

Then this can help you, learn what she needs for you to love her as she needs.
@Tilted 1

Please forgive me my stumbling attempts at reply here...I'm still trying to get used to how to use this forum properly.

I got the book you suggest "The Five Love Languages" a couple of years ago, and honestly, it help for a period of time. Unfortunately, the effort was a bit one sided.
I'm certainly not a perfect man, and she's not a perfect woman. We've both been honest with each other from the start. I think thats one of the things that we liked about each other initially. We were good friends who enjoyed each other's company.
Now she isn't interested in doing anything with me at all. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she sits in the garage every night for 5 or more hours just drinking, smoking, and talking to her friends and family on the phone. I cook, clean, and take care of the kids for nearly every moment I'm home from work. I know when Im gone she is busy...running a household is alot of work, and anyone would want a break at times. But she won't even clean up after herself. Her laundry piles up all over the floor, and her dishes sit in the sink until I get home...unless she makes our oldest son do them. I'm losing patience. I thought this was going to be a team effort.
 

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Lucrative job or not, my suggestion would be to move back home and find a local job.

Oil field work is a noble pursuit but it's may very well be hurting your marriage to be away so much.
 

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That's tough, l wish l could say something great, but it's uncalled for when it really one sided with her. She doesn't even like her self, l don't give her much recognition for the piss poor behavior. And it took 2 for the kids she's only in it for herself, and believes she deserves it when you return home. BS unwanted,

l do see you picked out the correct name. If you have talked to her about this already then she wants her freedom, not even her children are enough for her to remain engaged like a normal mother. You may want to rethink this marriage she is not what you once knew. And it shows by your words.

I would definitely be looking into leaving and if possible take your children and maybe you can pay family to care for your kids while your gone. You may not think but with her suggestions on the distant employment it does allow her all the free time from you.

Am l saying what your thinking, yes your her maid and relief sitter and it sure looks like she's into someone her actions and lack of care by how and what she make your kids live in the filth and it only get clean when you or the kids do it.

I seen this alot when some military wife's have more important things on there mind, other friends you can say. Heck the one son is 14 and in 2 yes will be able to drive the other to school and watch his brother while your at work and 2 yrs may even be able to stay home by himself.

Nothing really holding you there your like roommates without benefits. And you have to clean up after the roommate. Dump her brother, and quit wasting your time and dragging the kids through hell. It time for you to get a new lease for life even if it's only for sanity, and bonding of your kids. It's time to get out of the pot, keep from what once was. Let her figure her life out on her own time. Because she's wasting your time.
 

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I'm not exaggerating when I say that she sits in the garage every night for 5 or more hours just drinking, smoking, and talking to her friends and family on the phone.
I suspect you're pulling our collective legs but I'll bite anyway.

You honestly think she's talking to "friends and family" for 5 hours in the garage every night? I mean, really?

I've got some oceanfront property in Oklahoma I'd like to sell you.
 
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