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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
warning, this post is very long .....

Hi all!
Yesterday I came across this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

Both me and my husband took the test. And the results .. are opposite!

I have to say that I was excited and happy about the results first, because this explained so much about our relationship. I can see so clearly that everything that is wrong, is because we speak so different love languages.

My love languages are:
Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

His love languages are:
Physical Touch & Receiving Gifts & Acts of Service (All 3 got equal top score. And I know that these are all very important to him)

Why am I frustrated? Because in our situation right now .. I cannot ask him to meet my needs. I have always been asking for this and we have never really understood each other about this. Of course because we spoke different languages .. Now that I know exactly how to speak my needs and he knows how to speak my needs .. I'm afraid we cannot do it anyway ..

The good thing is that it's fairly easy for me to fulfill his needs. Physical touch isn't so important to me, but I do believe it's the most important thing to do in order to make any marriage/relationship work and last. I like to receive meaningful little gifts myself, so naturally I like to give them as well. I have to agree, I haven't done it lately, mainly because we are in a situation where I just cannot afford it .. Although I am very good at making sweet gifts myself and I can do that to my husband too. I haven't done it, so I will now. So I believe it's easy to fix. And the last - Acts of Service - is no big deal for me either. I want to take care of my husband. I have to admit, I haven't been very good at this always. Very bad at times even .. But I want to change this. I really want to take care of him. Because I know he needs it.

So, it's easy for me to speak his language. But it's going to be very hard for him to speak my language! And I'm scared ..

And so last night - I got so confused and couldn't sleep .. and I had to write this rant down, before I could try and fall asleep:

" I want to talk about my love and hate relationship. It is here. Every day. Some days I love. Some days I hate. And it turns out .. I don't even know who is this relationship with .. With my husband or myself?
Ok, let's explain.
First. Yes, I do have this relationship with my husband. Or because of my husband. Some days I'm happy and I love and feel loved. Some days I'm very sad and angry and I want to leave my husband.
I am a strong person (at least I think so!) and have been doing a lot of work with myself. Since we have had problems, I have always been looking for reasons and solutions .. To try to fix things.. I have read some very interesting books and learned a lot. I have discovered and started to believe that everything starts from yourself. If you want changes, change yourself. So I have been doing that. I have learned a lot. I have changed. I have forced myself to do things I didn't know I was able to. For example, I used to be a very nervous person .. Very restless. I have learned how to calm myself down, even how to avoid getting upset in the first place. It's not easy. But I'm getting better. But .. There are also times when all of this frustrates me again. For example when I try so hard .. And then my husband doesn't see it and doesn't appreciate it and gives me another of his temper tantrums and lets his anger loose .. Which means him shouting at me and saying whatever comes out of his mouth .. It hurts. I try to just ignore it. Not to be angry myself. Because I'm changing. And it's not worth for me. But sometimes .. It's just too hard! Especially when you don't get any appreciation! Because I used to be like this .. Scream and shout too .. But I really don't do this anymore! And it's been so tough to get this far, to learn how to control myself.. And I still struggle ..

And today. I discovered my love languages. We both took the test. My love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality time. Now all of this only confirms everything I have ever felt and thought or complained about .. It just gave me so many mixed feelings. At first I was happy to have discovered the test and the results - finally some explanation that I have been looking for! But then .. The solution .. How are we going to do that? Because unfortunately .. I don't think my husband can speak these languages! He cannot meet my needs. These two so very important needs, that I have been craving so much and for so long .. Is he willing to do this for me? Yes, he is. But not right now for sure. Not in this situation. We are in a very challenging time of our lives .. I can explain later on with more details .. Tell our story ..
What else is making me freak out?
His love languages are opposite! My love languages are in the end of his list! Things that matter to me, don't matter to him at all! He doesn't understand this, find it interesting, he simply doesn't speak these languages! Oh how much this all explains about our past .. The problems we have had .. And have.
So what am I going to do?
As I said. I am a believer of changing yourself. Change yourself and the world around you will change .. Be happy and everyone around you will be happy .. Eventually anyway!
But how can I keep doing it .. If right now in my life, in this situation, everything is especially hard and complicated. Right now especially I need the attention and time from my husband .. And right now especially he can't give it to me. And me asking for it, begging for it, getting upset about it, makes things only worse! I have to stop doing this! But how can I do it? Really? I am lonely and sad .. And my husband cannot help me. So I have to help myself! After all .. It all starts in Me ..and I am trying. But every day is a struggle. I am suffering in silence. Yes, I can even say that I am walking on eggshells, sometimes. Not all the time .. But given the stress of our situation .. I have to walk on them very often!
I am doing things I couldn't do in the past .. I am forcing myself to do things I couldn't do in the past. Putting other people's needs first. I know I won't die because of this. I know I can wait .. Things will get better. But how can I handle this pain that I feel every day? I have to hide it. I hide it very well sometimes. Sometimes I cannot and I speak of it. But the words are lost .. Because my husband simply doesn't speak my love languages! He doesn't understand. He doesn't have time for this. He has more important things to do. It's true. He is providing for us. Building a future for us. And yes, I want it too and appreciate it, really appreciate it .. But other things are more important for me. I want my quality conversation .. I want him to put his phone down. Turn off his computer. But it's hard for him. And if he does put them away, his mind is somewhere else .. Far away .. And I cannot force him to have this kind of conversation with me.. I cannot force him to do anything. I don't want to. I won't force him.
So what can I do?
Be patient? Even more patient than I am today?
Let me tell you .. I love him. But tomorrow I hate him .. And I want to run away. And then I don't want to give up. I want change. I want to fight. I want to work on this relationship!
So please tell me .. How to handle this emotional mess .. That I'm having with myself every day ..
Am I missing something? I probably am ..
This is why I registered on this forum. I feel alone and am really struggling with myself and/or my marriage ..
I needed to rant about it! I hope this is the place I can do it! And keep doing it .. (?)
Thank you for any comments ..
I will give more info, if you want - after all - my love language is quality time and the dialect is definitely QUALITY CONVERSATION!
Who wants to have a conversation with me, :D ... ?

..........................

PS. Sorry if the text doesn't make much sense! I wrote it @5.30am, because I just couldn't fall asleep .. I just had so many thoughts in my mind after doing the test .. I had to get some of it out of my system! "



THANKS to anyone that managed to read it!
 

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Why am I frustrated? Because in our situation right now .. I cannot ask him to meet my needs. I have always been asking for this and we have never really understood each other about this. Of course because we spoke different languages .. Now that I know exactly how to speak my needs and he knows how to speak my needs .. I'm afraid we cannot do it anyway ..


Why? You state that you can't ask and imply that he can't and won't do do it, but offer no reason why. Why can't you sit him down and say that as much as I appreciate all you do, I need you to show love in these two ways.
 

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I don't have an answer as I am searching for answers myself. I however, could related to most of what you said. In fact, I could have wrote most of it myself. I have been reading self help books and seeing a counselor to figure things out. It sounds as if you are into self improvement as well. I just scheduled a marital session with my husband. I am hoping to figure out how to communicate with each other more effectively and meet each other's needs. If I learn anything that I think will help in your situation I will share:)

Good luck! I am interested in reading the advice you receive as well.
 

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Dear OP

If you will forgive an old hand (35 years married now), I will suggest patience. You have not been married long, are only now apparently starting to think in detail about your marriage.

If I were you, I would work on speaking to him in his love languages and wait (assuming he knows what your languages are). If he feels loved and genuinely loves you he will reciprocate in time, in all probability. The occasional reminder what your love languages are will probably be ok.

You may also be interested in His Needs Her Needs.

Best wishes
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Why? You state that you can't ask and imply that he can't and won't do do it, but offer no reason why. Why can't you sit him down and say that as much as I appreciate all you do, I need you to show love in these two ways.
Well .. the reason is our uncomfortable and stressful situation right now .. To explain it at all very well, I would need to talk about our whole story .. and I'm afraid this would be another very big post :D
But shortly: we just moved to a new country (his country) and are living with his mother, because financially we cannot afford our own living. We are both looking for jobs. He is working really hard on his own little business, which has payed for everything for us so far, without either of us having a proper job, including all our travels and a new car (just a few days ago) .. Money is very important for him, you cannot imagine .. We both come from broken and poor families that never could support either of us (except right now, we can live with his mom, yeeii (and at the same time, not so yeeii, because .. who would want to live with your spouse's parents?)). And so I understand all he has to do .. all his time goes into providing for us. And he just got a degree (from another country where we lived before) and we are both hoping that he will get a good job that he deserves and wants to much .. But since it's been holidays since we got here, it's been no luck so far. And it's stressful, of course, and it's bringing down his self confidence .. He wants so hard to succeed and provide for us, it's very important to him and this is what makes him feel good and happy. And I am very proud of him. And so .. The time is really stressful .. and then I keep bugging him to meet my needs and find time for me .. when actually, this is probably the worst time to ask for it? .. Maybe it's just a very bad timing and I shouldn't have discovered the 5 love language tests right now .. Because it made me more confused and scared.. Although I have to say. I already feel better now, after letting it all out here on this forum! My rant ......

Oh it feels good to rant, I have to say .. it's like my little personal therapy :) This has already been very helpful and I can see things more clearly ..


I want to remind everyone that my main purpose of this post is to just talk .. let it all out .. not so much to find a solution - because I know how to find a solution anyway - I know that eventually he will meet my needs. We both will. I'm just struggling with myself, with my emotions .. find it very hard at times to sort important from not so important .. but then .. when the rain is gone, I can see better and I feel better and I find more strength to keep working on myself and my emotions ... sometimes all it takes, is my husbands little Words of Affirmation and just looking at me and not the computer ....... Hence why I'm scared and confused right now that he cannot really meet all of my very confusing needy needs .. When I don't get them, it's a rainy day for me .. Wow, I cannot even believe it myself, how important the quality time for me is! Literally I get sad when he is far away from me ...
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Dear OP

If you will forgive an old hand (35 years married now), I will suggest patience. You have not been married long, are only now apparently starting to think in detail about your marriage.

If I were you, I would work on speaking to him in his love languages and wait (assuming he knows what your languages are). If he feels loved and genuinely loves you he will reciprocate in time, in all probability. The occasional reminder what your love languages are will probably be ok.

You may also be interested in His Needs Her Needs.

Best wishes

Thank you so much! I have always wondered what is the advice and secret of the coupled that have been married for sooo many years .. this is what I want for us! And luckily, he wants it too.
Now the funny thing is - I knew the answer was patience! And I am so very impatient .. Really! My astrological sign is Aries (don't know if you believe in any of it, but Aries really is very very impatient ....) So it's like I was afraid of what I was afraid was the answer!
And also, I am trying to get the book His Needs, Her Needs, I indeed have been interested in this book!

So thank you for confirming me that what I need to do is just keep doing what I am trying to do so hard - be patient, be happy with myself and fulfill my husband's needs .. eventually I will get my needs met! Because when he is happy, I am happy.
Oh, this Impatience ............ I need to fix my relationship with the Impatience!
 

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What else is making me freak out?
His love languages are opposite!
You know (I think you do) it's not important that you have the same languages. You just need to speak the others languages, but he's not (that is important).

When you get your own place try cooking together. My wife is very much quality time and we usually cook together.
 

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Well .. the reason is our uncomfortable and stressful situation right now .. To explain it at all very well, I would need to talk about our whole story .. and I'm afraid this would be another very big post :D
But shortly: we just moved to a new country (his country) and are living with his mother, because financially we cannot afford our own living. We are both looking for jobs. He is working really hard on his own little business, which has payed for everything for us so far, without either of us having a proper job, including all our travels and a new car (just a few days ago) .. Money is very important for him, you cannot imagine .. We both come from broken and poor families that never could support either of us (except right now, we can live with his mom, yeeii (and at the same time, not so yeeii, because .. who would want to live with your spouse's parents?)). And so I understand all he has to do .. all his time goes into providing for us. And he just got a degree (from another country where we lived before) and we are both hoping that he will get a good job that he deserves and wants to much .. But since it's been holidays since we got here, it's been no luck so far. And it's stressful, of course, and it's bringing down his self confidence .. He wants so hard to succeed and provide for us, it's very important to him and this is what makes him feel good and happy. And I am very proud of him. And so .. The time is really stressful .. and then I keep bugging him to meet my needs and find time for me .. when actually, this is probably the worst time to ask for it? .. Maybe it's just a very bad timing and I shouldn't have discovered the 5 love language tests right now .. Because it made me more confused and scared.. Although I have to say. I already feel better now, after letting it all out here on this forum! My rant ......

Oh it feels good to rant, I have to say .. it's like my little personal therapy :) This has already been very helpful and I can see things more clearly ..


I want to remind everyone that my main purpose of this post is to just talk .. let it all out .. not so much to find a solution - because I know how to find a solution anyway - I know that eventually he will meet my needs. We both will. I'm just struggling with myself, with my emotions .. find it very hard at times to sort important from not so important .. but then .. when the rain is gone, I can see better and I feel better and I find more strength to keep working on myself and my emotions ... sometimes all it takes, is my husbands little Words of Affirmation and just looking at me and not the computer ....... Hence why I'm scared and confused right now that he cannot really meet all of my very confusing needy needs .. When I don't get them, it's a rainy day for me .. Wow, I cannot even believe it myself, how important the quality time for me is! Literally I get sad when he is far away from me ...
I know you are just venting, but I don't see anything here that really prevents you from asking him to work with you. Perhaps work them together, where you make a great meal for him (acts of service) then spend time talking about your day (quality time) with him thanking you for what a great cook you are (words of affirmation). Help him help you in a sense.

I do wish you luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I don't have an answer as I am searching for answers myself. I however, could related to most of what you said. In fact, I could have wrote most of it myself. I have been reading self help books and seeing a counselor to figure things out. It sounds as if you are into self improvement as well. I just scheduled a marital session with my husband. I am hoping to figure out how to communicate with each other more effectively and meet each other's needs. If I learn anything that I think will help in your situation I will share:)

Good luck! I am interested in reading the advice you receive as well.
Thanks! It's good to know someone can relate to me. It means I am not alone in the dark. I am not sure if you are as confused as I am with my own feelings .. the way I see it and what I believe, is that my biggest enemy is myself .. If you know what I mean? My own emotions .. They take control so overwhelmingly. It's hard for me to orientate. I get lost.
I have found that writing my thoughts down have helped. But I never really was very good at keeping up self-discipline. So, I haven't been writing every day. Not even every week. Now I am hoping that here on this forum I can keep writing more, because here I am not alone and people keep me writing more.

We have also thought about marriage counseling and I myself about finding a therapist for myself. I really think I need someone that would just listen to all I have to say. Sometimes I just want to talk meaningless things. But I cannot afford a therapist - I need to get a job first :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You know (I think you do) it's not important that you have the same languages. You just need to speak the others languages, but he's not (that is important).

When you get your own place try cooking together. My wife is very much quality time and we usually cook together.

Oh, this is what I dream about :eek: Us cooking together .. really. I have to try and get him more into this. I haven't really managed to do that, because where he comes from, men don't cook .. women cook for them. I have a different opinion, I find a cooking man to be a very big turn-on .. I have let him know that. A few times I even have managed to make him cook for me! Which was basically boiling pasta, ha ha, but it was very cute ..

I do dream about us cooking together .. Because, honestly, I find cooking a little stressful for me .. Yes, the words of affirmation and the results are so important for me. I want to cook deliiciious food. And I would like him to help me and I would like that we learned to cook well together .. And he actually wants it too! Now we just have to find the time for this ..
Thanks for reminding me about this!
 

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Yes, I was confused about my feelings as well. I have tried many times to talk to my husband about my feelings though, this is the largest difference in my scenerio. He isn't receptive because he finds me as overly sensitive and leaves me feeling belittled and not validated. Then I would revert to thinking there was something wrong with myself. This is why I went to the counselor myself. Pretty much wondering if I was crazy:)

The counselor has really helped me realize that just because he may not agree and isn't a verbal communicator, doesn't mean that my feelings are not real. She taught me to validate my own feelings. My husband is also a great guy. This made me feel like there was something wrong with me. She has helped me see that just because he is a great guy doesn't mean that everything he says or does is right, and that I am not always wrong or a "silly girl". Once again, about validating my own feelings and not being overly critical of myself. I had a bad habit of "negative self talk". This is something I am still working on.

I would highly recommend a counselor for yourself. There are agencies that will see you and charge a fee based on your income to make it affordable. Becoming more sure of yourself will help with the torment it seems you are going through. I have finally reached a point where I know it is not all me, that we are both good people, but I need some of my needs to be met. I am willing to do whatever it takes as long as we both care and are both trying. The "both" part is why I scheduled a marital session. The fact he agreed to go is a good sign:)

Long story short, work on yourself as well as communication in your marriage. Communication is important. But no amount of communication will be effective if you do not love yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I know you are just venting, but I don't see anything here that really prevents you from asking him to work with you. Perhaps work them together, where you make a great meal for him (acts of service) then spend time talking about your day (quality time) with him thanking you for what a great cook you are (words of affirmation). Help him help you in a sense.

I do wish you luck.

Well .. of course I have asked him to work with me. I don't have enough patience for not to ask. I ask all the time. And later he comes and tells me that he really wants to meet my needs, make things better, work on our relationship (I say later, because it's hard for him to listen to me very well and we often do it with a little bit of a fight and we stop "talking" .. and then later.. he does come and apologize and tells me that he wants to make me happy.) I guess it's the Impatience again that takes control. I cannot wait to see the results.
Cooking for him is a good idea and he actually always compliments my cooking! He says things like "my wife is the best cook in the world". I mean, this is kind of hard to believe and I have to admit I am looking for some more realistic opinion .. But I like it anyway! It makes me laugh.
Now the problem is, if I want to cook here in this house, I have to cook for everybody and all together that is 5 people and they are used to totally different kind of food. I cannot cook this food. And it's too greasy for me. And for husband too. And he would like me to cook the food that we like. But the other people don't like it :S They like a lot of meat. I for example can totally be without meat. But hey! I guess I just have to learn how to cook the food they like. I know my husband would really like me to cook. So far it's been his mother cooking. I guess I feel a little ashamed now that I have only cooked some desserts (I love to bake and make desserts!) and only one dinner (I find cooking a proper meal very stressful, because I don't think I'm very good at this.) .. Maybe I should just jump in and try to cook the food they like? Now I remember that I even told my husband that I wanted to learn from his mother how to cook. But I haven't done it yet .. so I'll do it then!
Or should I just stick to desserts? I really like to make desserts. I even had an idea of trying to make some sweets or cookies for selling. People in this country would buy them, I know that. That would make my husband happy (loves my cookies!) and I would get a kind of a job. Hmm ...

Noticed how my mind is going on like a rollercoaster? .. I go from one thing to another thing. Often get many ideas at the same time and get off the track. This is one reason, by the way, why it's hard for my husband to follow me. He says I talk in a very confusing way. I start with one thing and then end up with five things. And the fact that he isn't very good with concentrating doesn't help.

But thank you for your ideas! I really do have to help him help me. I guess I will make cookies tonight! And see if he would like to give me a hand. Even if it's just handing me a bowl and a spoon ..
 

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Cooking for him is a good idea and he actually always compliments my cooking! He says things like "my wife is the best cook in the world". I mean, this is kind of hard to believe and I have to admit I am looking for some more realistic opinion .. But I like it anyway! It makes me laugh.
Now the problem is, if I want to cook here in this house, I have to cook for everybody and all together that is 5 people and they are used to totally different kind of food. I cannot cook this food. And it's too greasy for me. And for husband too. And he would like me to cook the food that we like. But the other people don't like it :S They like a lot of meat. I for example can totally be without meat. But hey! I guess I just have to learn how to cook the food they like. I know my husband would really like me to cook. So far it's been his mother cooking. I guess I feel a little ashamed now that I have only cooked some desserts (I love to bake and make desserts!) and only one dinner (I find cooking a proper meal very stressful, because I don't think I'm very good at this.) .. Maybe I should just jump in and try to cook the food they like? Now I remember that I even told my husband that I wanted to learn from his mother how to cook. But I haven't done it yet .. so I'll do it then!
Or should I just stick to desserts? I really like to make desserts. I even had an idea of trying to make some sweets or cookies for selling. People in this country would buy them, I know that. That would make my husband happy (loves my cookies!) and I would get a kind of a job. Hmm ...
You can't please everyone, so please yourself and your husband. Jump in to cook a different type of dish, one closer to what your husband and you like. If others don't like it, they can get themselves something else. Your MIL is not cooking to please you, is she?

You already have some ideas on how to meet your husbands needs. It sounds like (at least with the cooking) you are at least partially the problem when he meets yours. He gives you Word of Affirmation and you don't believe it. He is in a bit of a quandry, where he can't win if he praises you and can't win if he does not. Accept his praise as is - it is, after all, about the woman he loves - and allow it as a step to his meeting your needs.
 

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You may also be interested in His Needs Her Needs.
I haven't read all of this thread.....but thought I would stop here & interject what this book will cover.....

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ~ these are the Core emotional Needs addressed .......

10 Emotional needs:


1. Admiration
2. Affection
3. Conversation
4. Domestic support
5. Family commitment
6. Financial support
7. Honesty and openness
8. Physical attractiveness
9. Recreational companionship
10. Sexual fulfillment
A little different from the 5 Love languages... but maybe you'll find you have some common things on THIS LIST... you & your husband could sit down and write out your lists in the order of importance .....your top 5 specifically...and his.......Here is the work sheet(s) link you can print
out
Emotional Needs Questionnaire
... more questions, but all this learning about each other gives a starting point ....to build upon...in what the other is craving.
 

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I want to remind everyone that my main purpose of this post is to just talk .. let it all out .. not so much to find a solution - because I know how to find a solution anyway - I know that eventually he will meet my needs. We both will. I'm just struggling with myself, with my emotions .. find it very hard at times to sort important from not so important .. but then .. when the rain is gone, I can see better and I feel better and I find more strength to keep working on myself and my emotions ... sometimes all it takes, is my husbands little Words of Affirmation and just looking at me and not the computer ....... Hence why I'm scared and confused right now that he cannot really meet all of my very confusing needy needs .. When I don't get them, it's a rainy day for me .. Wow, I cannot even believe it myself, how important the quality time for me is! Literally I get sad when he is far away from me ...
Talking is good. Why dont you just try that with your husband? Forget all this silly "love languages" stuff and just try to talk honestly and respectfully with each other. What I keep hearing from you is "my needs". Dont you think your husband has needs also? Why dont the two of you just sit down and write down your "needs" and then give them to each other. Sometimes women think that men should know their needs already but men do not have ESP and are not mind readers. Just write them down and make an agreement to both try to meet each others "needs".
 
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