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No it's not you. Some women just don't get it. Some think they can say sorry and that you can trust them even after lying countless times to you. My wife tore down my trust so many times I lost count but she still is puzzled why I cannot trust her. That just sends a big red flag that it's just not that big of deal to her. So I would be very cautious as this may be a big deal to you but not to her.
 

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I'm doing much better. I did tell my wife about my feelings so she knows about it and she asks me about it on a regular basis. It is hard for her since she is probably her closest friend and my wife believes that this lady is in love with me too. So I never thought about it before, but this could be why I have the perception that she doesn't understand. But yet this has been happening since before I even met this other lady. But yes, I still do have feelings for her. They aren't as strong (although I have my days, usually when I'm triggered about my wife affair, but they are becoming less)
You're on here complaining about your wife's lack of understanding of why you don't trust her over something that happened over 9 years ago while you are actively engaged in an emotional affair with her closest friend? Have I read that right?
 

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You're on here complaining about your wife's lack of understanding of why you don't trust her over something that happened over 9 years ago while you are actively engaged in an emotional affair with her closest friend? Have I read that right?
Hmmm, seems a bit hypocritical.
 

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Even in the best of reconciliation stories, the AP and the A become more or less permanent plus ones in the marriage, albeit their role(s) gradually diminish in magnitude over time. But in your case, it sounds like there was a fair amount of rug-sweeping, the kind where you set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Now, you're (emotionally) crippled and this is the result. Marital detente built upon your lingering mistrust and her walking on eggshells to avoid triggering it, you being emotionally distant due to the connection with her friend. Meanwhile, this is the model of marriage you are presenting to your kids as normal. "She won't allow me to divorce her" -- that, you must know, is a dishonest statement. Divorce in the US does not require consent of the other spouse. The more accurate statement is that you seem to take some sort of perverted pleasure from holding yourself out as a martyr. I think you like the way it gives you the feeling of having a simulacrum of power in the relationship. Good luck with all that.
 

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if she cant understand how you feel and why you don't trust her that means she is still cheating or thinking about cheating. if she is truly remorseful she would prevent any these questions from happening.

this is your choice to stay with a cheater and let her stay in the same job(?) - you were better off leaving and marrying someone else.

by staying you taught your kids it is ok to cheat and stay in marriage while in pain.
While ideally, we would like this to be true, often it is not.

Sometimes people have personality disorders, toxic shame, or other factors that can present symptoms like this, even if they are no longer cheating.

That said, if 9 years later she can't find empathy for the OP, perhaps it's time to let her go.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk
 

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Same company but we moved to a different state. Our kids do not know about her affair (that we know of anyway) which is another thing that kinda bothers me because they treat her like she can do no wrong but treat me like...well like typical teenagers treat their dad's. But they have no idea what I went through to keep our family together. How many times I've thought about sitting in my car in the garage and starting the engine and just waiting to fall asleep and be gone. They have no idea of the pain and heartache I've been through. Now I will admit that our marriage is better than ever and we have sex all of the time it seems, but there is still that lack of trust and pain deep within me and in her mind it's been 9 years, I need to get past it. She has basically said that (not exactly those words) but something along the lines of it was 9 years ago, I'm a different person, I love you and will fight for you and our marriage, and will never do anything like that again. She even canceled going on a vacation to Florida with her sisters because of my discomfort with the whole thing. (her sisters would most likely champion and affair or at least conceal it) She has upheld her part probably 90-95% it's just her lack of understanding and the fact that she "forgets" our rules at times and then acts as if it's no big deal.
I'm sorry man but this is all on you. Tell your kids if you want. Leave if you want. Tell your wife if you are unhappy if you want. Divorce your wife if you want. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

You have agency and you have responsibility for your own life. Pick up the pieces and figure it out.

Here is a universal truth - Passive people get cheated on. Passive people have unhappy lives.

YOU HAVE AGENCY IN YOUR LIFE!
 

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That really didn’t answer the question though, it was just a defense of your wife.

Was her affair partner going to be there? If so, it should have been off the table from the get-go, not something for her to “decide”
No, he lives halfway across the country now (I keep tabs on the pile of trash) He has not been with her company for 6-7 years now and had already transferred to another city before she confessed the affair to me.
 

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No, he lives halfway across the country now (I keep tabs on the pile of trash) He has not been with her company for 6-7 years now and had already transferred to another city before she confessed the affair to me.
Never a good sign when the betrayer gets to choose the timing for their "confession." Essentially, after it no longer was a thing for her, because he pulled out. She got to choose her moment, her terms. She's likely still doing that.

I've probably already given you this link. If you haven't yet read it, please consider doing so now and get back to us with how closely it hits to home, and what you think of its messaging for the betrayer. Minwalla Model
 

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You have to live with the fact that she cheated on you. She has to live with the fact that you will never fully trust her. If her behavior is becoming sketchy, don't put up with it. Bluntly, part of the price of staying together is that you will never fully trust her again, nor should you. You state that she sometimes doesn't come home at night. Is that because she is out of town because of work? She should be happy to mollify your fears that she might be up to no good. The fact that she is complaining about it shows her lack of compassion, understanding, and remorse. It is also a red flag. As the red flags add up, prepare for what might be coming down the line.

Finally, your admission that sometimes you feel like turning on the car ignition in the garage and just go to sleep is extremely disconcerting. You remain extremely troubled. Your lack of respect from your teenage children is inexcusable. Get into counseling to help you deal with your feelings and chart a positive track to get you out of infidelity. This is no way to live.
 

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I just read your revelation that you have a crush on your WW's best friend and you think she might feel the same. Hmm. If the two of you have expressed feelings for each other and have corresponded back and forth about your feelings, then, you are in an EA. If it is just you who experience these feelings and the friend has not reciprocated in any way, I would not necessarily call it an EA. Nevertheless, this is not a good development. It may be a consequence of your WW's infidelity that you have developed such feelings. In any event, my recommendation still stands. Get into counseling so that you can pursue a positive path out of infidelity. You should also deal with the possible EA in counseling.
 

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Jdub

folks have posted some good info (and maybe some that won't apply in your case?) so I won't add to that - just a story
about trust.

Wife and Neighbor friend have movie night on Fridays - I can do whatever I want (well nothing immoral or criminal anyway, drat)
Last Friday wife went to friends house. Side note: Friend is a bit challenged on boundaries/morals etc.
Normally their movie watching ends 12-1 AM when at either house.
Side note #2: Friend and married spouse have had separate bedrooms for a almost 2 decades. How do I know?
We watch out for each other pets when the other travels so visits and sharing house keys normal.

Past Friday - friends spouse is "out of state at a car race."
Wife doesn't return home by 1AM. hmmm . . . 2 AM ??? 3AM!! wtf? Thinking it has been quite some time since she cheated (and I stayed - duh?) 4AM holy ??? being a bit trusting I stew for a few minutes and think two things.
First - maybe something happened and I should go over and physically check on them.
But (overthinking?) what if "nothing happened" to them but -
But - what if they BOTH have a "friend" over? Finding that situation would result in some very unpleasant activities that could result in my demise or someone else. (I can be a hot-head if I lose myself - but not likely in this case)
I decide I will use Google Voice and call (Friend doesn't know my Google voice # and Wife has no clue about Google Voice.)
Make the call - no answer - arrrgh!
Wait 10 min - call again - get 'friend' answer: "Hello?" etc.
I say nothing. Time now is about 4:30 AM
Wife shows up a few minutes later (Friend is less than a mile drive) and scoots into carport.
Comes into the house and says: "We lost track of time - etc." and trots right up to the shower.
Then I go into the dirty clothes hamper and pull out her panties and sniff. She sees and BLAM!
It has been a week - still cold towards me. No need for Checkmate as pants clean (used protection?)

Or, did the Really Watch multiple movies till 4 AM (from about 7PM earlier?)

What is the story here? Trust is NEVER going to be 100% and anything that doesn't pass the "Sniff Test" is going
to drive you nuts.

Betrayal - the gift of a lifetime
 

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How have you been treating your wife for the past 9 years?

Do you think the kids have picked up on it?

Are you wondering why they treat you like crap?

How about why they love on their mom?

It’s because they don’t know the reason behind the messed up relationship between you and your cheating wife. The time to tell them was about 9 years ago. Never to late for the truth to be known.

Simple explanation would be the best.

“Kids, I love you very much. So much so, when your mom cheated on me 9 years ago, I stayed. And so on.”

They need to know why you and your cheater aren’t this happy loving couple. They need to know why you stayed.
Your wife needs to tell them that she cheated. That she is the one that broke the relationship. Your kids will grow to dislike and hate you if you don’t give them the truth. This needs to be done before it’s to late.
 

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Same company but we moved to a different state. Our kids do not know about her affair (that we know of anyway) which is another thing that kinda bothers me because they treat her like she can do no wrong but treat me like...well like typical teenagers treat their dad's. But they have no idea what I went through to keep our family together. How many times I've thought about sitting in my car in the garage and starting the engine and just waiting to fall asleep and be gone. They have no idea of the pain and heartache I've been through. Now I will admit that our marriage is better than ever and we have sex all of the time it seems, but there is still that lack of trust and pain deep within me and in her mind it's been 9 years, I need to get past it. She has basically said that (not exactly those words) but something along the lines of it was 9 years ago, I'm a different person, I love you and will fight for you and our marriage, and will never do anything like that again. She even canceled going on a vacation to Florida with her sisters because of my discomfort with the whole thing. (her sisters would most likely champion and affair or at least conceal it) She has upheld her part probably 90-95% it's just her lack of understanding and the fact that she "forgets" our rules at times and then acts as if it's no big deal.
she hasn’t done the work to repair the damage she caused.

you don’t trust her = you have no basis for your marriage.

why are you staying when she completely disrespects you?
 

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Jdub

folks have posted some good info (and maybe some that won't apply in your case?) so I won't add to that - just a story
about trust.

Wife and Neighbor friend have movie night on Fridays - I can do whatever I want (well nothing immoral or criminal anyway, drat)
Last Friday wife went to friends house. Side note: Friend is a bit challenged on boundaries/morals etc.
Normally their movie watching ends 12-1 AM when at either house.
Side note #2: Friend and married spouse have had separate bedrooms for a almost 2 decades. How do I know?
We watch out for each other pets when the other travels so visits and sharing house keys normal.

Past Friday - friends spouse is "out of state at a car race."
Wife doesn't return home by 1AM. hmmm . . . 2 AM ??? 3AM!! wtf? Thinking it has been quite some time since she cheated (and I stayed - duh?) 4AM holy ??? being a bit trusting I stew for a few minutes and think two things.
First - maybe something happened and I should go over and physically check on them.
But (overthinking?) what if "nothing happened" to them but -
But - what if they BOTH have a "friend" over? Finding that situation would result in some very unpleasant activities that could result in my demise or someone else. (I can be a hot-head if I lose myself - but not likely in this case)
I decide I will use Google Voice and call (Friend doesn't know my Google voice # and Wife has no clue about Google Voice.)
Make the call - no answer - arrrgh!
Wait 10 min - call again - get 'friend' answer: "Hello?" etc.
I say nothing. Time now is about 4:30 AM
Wife shows up a few minutes later (Friend is less than a mile drive) and scoots into carport.
Comes into the house and says: "We lost track of time - etc." and trots right up to the shower.
Then I go into the dirty clothes hamper and pull out her panties and sniff. She sees and BLAM!
It has been a week - still cold towards me. No need for Checkmate as pants clean (used protection?)

Or, did the Really Watch multiple movies till 4 AM (from about 7PM earlier?)

What is the story here? Trust is NEVER going to be 100% and anything that doesn't pass the "Sniff Test" is goingto drive you nuts.

Betrayal - the gift of a lifetime
this would never work for me! Anyone out until 2 am much less 4:30am isn’t respecting you!

and someone who has cheated in the past? Sheez, talk about walking all over you.

I’d be done with her the minute she walked in the house! And SHE gives you a cold shoulder? What a total a$$!!!!! talk about entitled! Why is she acting like she is 20 years old? And why do you stay?
 

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She refuses to divorce me....

LOL....THAT'S the excuse you're using to stay right where you are because you're too damned AFRAID to do anything else?

Here's a newsflash, OP. I see you live in the United States, so that excuse is silly and it doesn't work.

Find your damned spine and stop allowing this woman to **** all over you. Where is your pride?
 

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It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?
I think she understands, but she wants it rugswept.
 
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