[Jdub]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?

 

[blackclover3]

if she cant understand how you feel and why you don't trust her that means she is still cheating or thinking about cheating. if she is truly remorseful she would prevent any these questions from happening.

this is your choice to stay with a cheater and let her stay in the same job(?) - you were better off leaving and marrying someone else.

by staying you taught your kids it is ok to cheat and stay in marriage while in pain.

 

[bobert]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?

If you are being triggered that easily and frequently, like just from her being a bit late getting home, then there is probably still work that needs to be done. That could be individually for you, but based on her reaction to this I'm guessing it's something you both need to do or that she needs to do - but likely refuses to do.

My D-Day was in 2018. I generally don't worry about it or even think about it if I'm away from the home for an evening or overnight. My wife is rarely away from the home overnight, if it's something that has been planned (like going to the lake for a weekend), then it's no biggie. If she just takes off then yeah, that's an issue (rarely happens though). She is a SAHM now but if she leaves me with the kids and goes out for several hours, it's usually no biggie. If she's running to the store and takes longer than I expected, it's usually no biggie.

If I do worry about it, she understands it and doesn't get mad about it. If she had plans to do something and my anxiety made her cancel (rarely happens) she doesn't make a big deal of it.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?

^^^ This is why you divorce after adultery --- Period ^^^

I trust my ex wife to always lie and F people over if she can get something out of it, no matter who she steps on. I trust her never to show others that side of her because those she can't keep in the dark, she can't F over. I trust her to hide the fact that she has the moral fabric of a female dog in heat. That is the extent of my trust towards her and that would never change. Luckily the last time I had to see her face was outside of a divorce court more than 20 years ago. Even if by some miracle I were tricked to stay, I know I still would only trust what I listed above about her. Staying with the adulterous is not worth it.

 

[Jdub]

if she cant understand how you feel and why you don't trust her that means she is still cheating or thinking about cheating. if she is truly remorseful she would prevent any these questions from happening.

this is your choice to stay with a cheater and let her stay in the same job(?) - you were better off leaving and marrying someone else.

by staying you taught your kids it is ok to cheat and stay in marriage while in pain.

Same company but we moved to a different state. Our kids do not know about her affair (that we know of anyway) which is another thing that kinda bothers me because they treat her like she can do no wrong but treat me like...well like typical teenagers treat their dad's. But they have no idea what I went through to keep our family together. How many times I've thought about sitting in my car in the garage and starting the engine and just waiting to fall asleep and be gone. They have no idea of the pain and heartache I've been through. Now I will admit that our marriage is better than ever and we have sex all of the time it seems, but there is still that lack of trust and pain deep within me and in her mind it's been 9 years, I need to get past it. She has basically said that (not exactly those words) but something along the lines of it was 9 years ago, I'm a different person, I love you and will fight for you and our marriage, and will never do anything like that again. She even canceled going on a vacation to Florida with her sisters because of my discomfort with the whole thing. (her sisters would most likely champion and affair or at least conceal it) She has upheld her part probably 90-95% it's just her lack of understanding and the fact that she "forgets" our rules at times and then acts as if it's no big deal.

 

[*Deidre*]

She may be remorseful but you’ll never forget. It’s a traumatic thing, to have gone through what you did and you’ll never forget. If she is trying her best though, it may seem (to her) like she’s wearing a scarlet letter and can never get past that “former self” that you still remember. But that is what adultery does, unfortunately.

Your post is really heart breaking, and I’m not sure what to say except know that the triggers you’re experiencing are not unusual. I hope you can find a way to peace with your wife.

 

[Openminded]

I stayed with a serial cheater decades longer than I should have because I wanted to keep my family intact and because he swore it would never happen again. But it did — not surprisingly — and that time I finally got out. You’d be foolish to trust her completely since you know what she’s capable of.

 

[Openminded]

I just re-read your other threads. Are you still in love with the woman you referred to?

 

[Diana7]

I think this is why so many can't stay in a marriage where one cheated, because of the shattered trust. If you can't trust again after 9 years of faithfulness and what you say is a good marriage will you ever be able to? It's hard to say.
I don't know, if after so long the trust isn't there I have to wonder if it's worth staying.

 

[Casual Observer]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?

Both of you are dealing with this inappropriately. There has been no healing, just rationalization. You’re suffering from Trauma and she doesn’t understand why you can’t just get over it.

Look up Dr Minwalla’s paper on The Secret Sexual Basement. It helps to explain why, for some, the betrayed’s feelings get WORSE over time. And it details what the betraying spouse needs to do.

 

[GusPolinski]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?

How often — and for what reason — is she away from home for the night?

Also, you don’t need her permission to divorce.

Just saying. 🤷🏻‍♂️

 

[Jdub]

I just re-read your other threads. Are you still in love with the woman you referred to?

I'm doing much better. I did tell my wife about my feelings so she knows about it and she asks me about it on a regular basis. It is hard for her since she is probably her closest friend and my wife believes that this lady is in love with me too. So I never thought about it before, but this could be why I have the perception that she doesn't understand. But yet this has been happening since before I even met this other lady. But yes, I still do have feelings for her. They aren't as strong (although I have my days, usually when I'm triggered about my wife affair, but they are becoming less)

 

[Rus47]

in her mind it's been 9 years, I need to get past it. She has basically said that (not exactly those words) but something along the lines of it was 9 years ago, I'm a different person, I love you and will fight for you and our marriage, and will never do anything like that again.

She paid no price. She had her fun and got to stay married too. And she learned there is no price to be paid. If the roles were reversed she would never forget in 90 years. What is in bold are just words. And she still tolerates a male at the office sidling up to her and says YOU are the one with the problem that you need to "get over"?

So she gets to live the life SHE wanted, and you get the misery and reliving the pain over and over.

She has upheld her part probably 90-95% it's just her lack of understanding and the fact that she "forgets" our rules at times and then acts as if it's no big deal.

Isn't her part the whole enchilada? Why hasn't she upheld the whole thing 150%? What is she forgetting? Again, it is no big deal to her. After all it was just sex right? Maybe she doesn't think a BJ is actually sex? Everyone cheats don't they? It's part of life, so just get over it.

 

[Jdub]

How often — and for what reason — is she away from home for the night?

Also, you don’t need her permission to divorce.

Just saying. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Not very often. In fact she had to go 1.5 hours away earlier this week and her company offered her a hotel room. She decided to get up at 3:30 in the morning and drive down there and then back that evening instead of making me uncomfortable with her that far away in a hotel with other people from her company from other areas of the country staying in the same hotel.

 

[Marc878]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home. I reming her that it only takes a few minutes for her to give a guy a BJ to which she gets mad about. She also doesn't understand why after all o these years I still don't buy it when she uses the same language she used back then. For example, I will see a guy at her work being nice to her (I know, shouldn't be a big deal) so I will ask her about him and she will say "that's gross". Well, the problem is that she said that identical thing about her AP back 9 years ago and she was sucking him off and spreading her legs for him. She refuses to divorce me (she'd probably be better off financially because she refuses promotions because they will strain our marriage) and I really don't want to go through a divorce nor do I want to do that to our kids.

I guess my question is do you other folks who stayed with you cheating spouse feel this same way or do I have issues that I need to resolve. Or possibly both?

Infidelity is a lifelong gift. You chose to accept it.

 

[Marc878]

Same company but we moved to a different state. Our kids do not know about her affair (that we know of anyway) which is another thing that kinda bothers me because they treat her like she can do no wrong but treat me like...well like typical teenagers treat their dad's. But they have no idea what I went through to keep our family together. How many times I've thought about sitting in my car in the garage and starting the engine and just waiting to fall asleep and be gone. They have no idea of the pain and heartache I've been through. Now I will admit that our marriage is better than ever and we have sex all of the time it seems, but there is still that lack of trust and pain deep within me and in her mind it's been 9 years, I need to get past it. She has basically said that (not exactly those words) but something along the lines of it was 9 years ago, I'm a different person, I love you and will fight for you and our marriage, and will never do anything like that again. She even canceled going on a vacation to Florida with her sisters because of my discomfort with the whole thing. (her sisters would most likely champion and affair or at least conceal it) She has upheld her part probably 90-95% it's just her lack of understanding and the fact that she "forgets" our rules at times and then acts as if it's no big deal.

You just stayed together. True reconciliation is rare from what I’ve seen.
Being a martyr or marriage warden is a thankless task.
The reason you don’t trust her is simple. The capability to cheat is there.

 

[Marc878]

Not very often. In fact she had to go 1.5 hours away earlier this week and her company offered her a hotel room. She decided to get up at 3:30 in the morning and drive down there and then back that evening instead of making me uncomfortable with her that far away in a hotel with other people from her company from other areas of the country staying in the same hotel.

At least she seems to get something.

 

[Asterix]

It has been 9 long years since d-day and my wife still can't understand why I don't trust her. She wonders why I ask her if she has been with anyone else when she's away from home overnight or fails to tell me when she goes to lunch and when she's off work or when it takes her a bit too long to get home.

If she doesn't understand even after all these nine years, then I'm sorry to say that she's not the one for you. It does not look like she's learn anything from that experience.

 

[DudeInProgress]

Not very often. In fact she had to go 1.5 hours away earlier this week and her company offered her a hotel room. She decided to get up at 3:30 in the morning and drive down there and then back that evening instead of making me uncomfortable with her that far away in a hotel with other people from her company from other areas of the country staying in the same hotel.

That really didn’t answer the question though, it was just a defense of your wife.

Was her affair partner going to be there? If so, it should have been off the table from the get-go, not something for her to “decide”

 

[sokillme]

My bet is she understand just fine, she just doesn't care. She knows that she can get away with it.