[Awakening2012]

Hi All -

Monday (10/8/12) will mark six months since my husband left me and moved out to "take some space," and the passing of the "six months separated" that is required before one can get a divorce in our state. I have come a long way, emotionally, and appreciate the helpful advice and support I've received on this forum. He has not been a jerk, and I am lad for that. Without my asking, he has continued to help subsidize the monthly mortage on our Condo, until we sort out what we are doing. He has not told me what his intentions are regarding our marriage, but has seemed VERY comfortable with the status quo and has not shown me a single solitary sign that we are getting back together. No. To the contrary, all signs so far point to divorce:

1. Him moving out;
2. His refusal of couples therapy;
3. His initiation of rings off;
4. His initiation of heading us down the path of dividing marital assets.

So a couple of weeks ago, I asked him over for a heart-to-heart and told him that although he is well aware it was always my preference that we face our problems and grow through them together as husand and wife, I cannot stay in this limbo indefinitely. I told him that by the end of this month, I need a decision one way or the other: either he gives me some sign he wants to stay married (minimally to include rings back on -- the rest is negotiable), or he files for divorce so that I can move on with my life. BOOM! I have felt so much better ever since :smthumbup:

We do not have children and have been together 7 years, married for 5 -- both waited until later in life to get married. The whole time during this separation, he maintains there is no one else, and he has no interest or desire to date -- he is grappling with his depression and anger, so he says. Others who know us both very well have supported this impression (i.e. they have said they would be surprised if he had the mindset for dating, and that part of him does not want to let go of me and the marriage). But given the complete lack of interest he has shown in me and our marriage ever since he left, I highly doubt he has any intention of coming back.

Thank God, I have done the work of moving on, and climbing out of the deep dark pit of heartbreak and despair. I am so over the limbo and neglect that even if by some miracle he shows a change of heart within the next 4 weeks and indicates a desire to stay married, it would be too little too late. I'm ready to close the door on this chapter -- having already started a bright new one filled with promise and hope for the future and free of the baggage and pain and drama of the past. As they say, "his loss" - LOL!

For those just starting this challenging journey, I would say the key is reaching that place of acceptance and non-attachment to any particular outcome. There was a time not long ago when I thought I would never get here, so I am truly grateful. I changed back to my maiden name by court order as of yesterday -- the new old me is back, yip yip!!!

All Best Wishes, - A12

 

[MSC71]

Hey K, Glad you are coming out of this a better person no matter what happens.

 

[TBT]

A12-Just wanted to say hi and tell you how nice it is to see you finally coming out the other side and standing strong.You just have me a little puzzled why you left the door open a crack when you sound so positive about moving on? Anyway,just seeing how positively you post,I see you've got all the strength and support you need to handle come what may.Take good care of yourself A12,and I hope the next chapter brings you peace and happiness.

Regards,TBT

 

[WhatKatyShouldHaveDone]

Hi A2012

My situation sounds eerily similar to yours - no one else involved, H angry and miserable.

I've been where you are before, and it has lasted for a good few weeks - feeling so positive about the future, happy to let him go, because there so many other amazing people to meet and things to do, places to see. I was convinced I was over the worst - but sadly, no!!

My emotions sometimes get the better of me but my actual opinion does not change: Our marriage is over. I have tried everything, he does not want to know. I will not suffer needlessly so I must move on. If I moved on and as a result he wants to work on the marriage then of course I would seek MC no matter how I felt. But right now I must LET go of him. LET go of the hope.

I am going to be brave like you were and tell him I've come to the end of my tolerance for limbo, and the pain and terror that comes with it. I will tell him that I am letting him go.

Then i must actually DO it!!

I'm so pleased you feel better because you've taken back control of your life....hopefully I will feel the same way.

Please let us know if he gets back to you one way or the other.

 

[Awakening2012]

Hi TBT -

Great to hear from you, and thanks for your kind reply. I guess my "leaving the door open a crack" was my desire to stop accepting his passive aggressiveness, reject the indefinite limbo and draw a healthy boundary by making him take RESPONSIBILITY for making a DECISION and executing the divorce, if that is what he chooses. I had made it very clear to him it was never my preference to end the marriage -- that I always hoped we would instead BOTH chose to value our marriage and each other enough to face our problems together as husband and wife, and work through them to get to a better place. I had dinner with him last night at his invitation (after ignoring me completely for the past 2 weeks) and it felt painful to see him -- like he is the ghost of the man I once was so sure was my soul mate. He said he still cries when he looks at our wedding pictures, and that will always love me, but checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and just cannot see us getting back together. He said he understands he cannot expect me to wait around forever to see if his feelings will change, so he will go ahead and file in the coming weeks. We are both glad that there is not animosity, although for my part, I will admit I still have bouts of hurt feelings that crop up over his rejection and abandonment. However, I understand his reasons, and my part in it -- but if he cannot let go of it, and find any desire in his heart to re-connect, then I have to accept it is over.

I saw the writing on the wall (that it was highly unlikely he would have any sort of turn-around), so that -- and support from this group and others in my life -- helped spur me to already start moving on. It is just the closure of knowing it is not going to stay open ended forever and confirmation from him that divorce is coming that I needed in order to truly feel free to cleanly start a new chapter, especially with regards to dating (yes, there is a new someone I have met, but I had to know divorce is definitely imminent before being fully open to a new romance). I am never getting married again, that's for sure! At this stage, and all I have been through, I will prefer an arrangement of having a solid boyfriend, but living apart so we have own lives but share in and enhance each others' lives, if that makes sense.

Thanks again, and I hope all is well with you!

Hugs, - A12

 

[Awakening2012]

Hi Katy -

Thanks so much for posting, and I am very sorry to hear that you find yourself in the same boat. However, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one facing and coming to terms with this unexpected and unwanted fork in the road. I am constantly reminded I can only take care of my side of the street, and be sure to take the high road -- he only has any power over me and my feelings if I allow it.

I hope to hear more about your journey, and wish you courage and strength on your path! We will get through this tough time, rebuild and find our silver lining -- of that I am sure!

Hugs,- A12

 

[dazedguy]

I don't know your story, but I have been going through the same thing for much longer. My wife wife left almost 2 years ago and has done nothing to indicate a desire to reconcile and in fact has grown more distant: refusing counseling, removing her ring, partying more and more, and eventually starting a relationship with someone else (maybe more than 1). The entire time she has shown no willingness to end our marriage by filing for divorce. I think it's easy for some people to just get up and start a new life, but difficult for them to face the natural consequences of their decisions and actually end it.

I think you're in a great place and putting out your ultimatum is an excellent way to protect yourself from more hurt waiting in limbo. However I think you should mentally prepare for your H to continue to do nothing and ignore your ultimatum. Decide what you will do if this happens. Will you file yourself? Are you ready to end your marriage for him even though it is not what you want?

I hope that you are. Best of luck to you either way!

 

[Awakening2012]

Hi D-Guy - Thanks so much for sharing part of your story -- wow, two years is a very long time to put up with limbo! Especially if it is clear your wife is seeing others. Are you planning to file for D, or still keeping the door open to not ending the marriage? If the latter, what keeps you going? I just finally knew the pain of staying married to a husband who is not committed to me was worse than the pain of letting go. Especially since there is now an awesome new guy in my life, who showers me with all the affection and caring I have been missing

Yes, if my passive aggresive husband does not file by the end of October I will do it myself in a heartbeat. I will try not to judge my STBX for being more shallow and disloyal than I could ever have imagined, and will pray for his happiness. Indeed, I cannot judge him, for I have re-payed his disloyalty in kind by starting a new relationship -- though I justify it, since STBX was the one who left and did not want to fight for the marriage.

Best of luck to you, too, and let us know how things are going!

Cheers, - A12

 

[wiigirl]

So glad you are coming out of this.

You seem very positive which is awesome!

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[Hermes]

I am glad that you are coming out of this darkness. Good for you. you deserve better than what you got. Keep posting. I have found this board to be such a helpful place for me in this time. I wish I found it sooner when we were not at the end of our marriage, but all i can do now is more forward and improve myself. i am happy to hear that you have a light at the end of the tunnel. i hope to be there soon, myself.

 

[Awakening2012]

Thank you, Hermes! Sending you courage, strength, and best wishes as well!

 

[dazedguy]

Good to hear you're ready to file for him. I did indeed hold out hope too long; I was very coD. I filed for D 3 months ago and just learned about her other relationship last week. Good luck to you too!

 

[sadwithouthim]

Hi D-Guy - Thanks so much for sharing part of your story -- wow, two years is a very long time to put up with limbo! Especially if it is clear your wife is seeing others. Are you planning to file for D, or still keeping the door open to not ending the marriage? If the latter, what keeps you going? I just finally knew the pain of staying married to a husband who is not committed to me was worse than the pain of letting go. Especially since there is now an awesome new guy in my life, who showers me with all the affection and caring I have been missing

Yes, if my passive aggresive husband does not file by the end of October I will do it myself in a heartbeat. I will try not to judge my STBX for being more shallow and disloyal than I could ever have imagined, and will pray for his happiness. Indeed, I cannot judge him, for I have re-payed his disloyalty in kind by starting a new relationship -- though I justify it, since STBX was the one who left and did not want to fight for the marriage.

Best of luck to you, too, and let us know how things are going!

Cheers, - A12

Hi A12

Its sad again. Still following your progress. I was going to mention what Dazedguy mentioned earlier about your STBX dragging his feet still and not really following through but after a very long post....TAM conked out and I lost my post and then you replied anyway back to DG's question. My stbxh has done exactly what DG mentioned in his first post....he says one thing and never follows through....almost 2 years of this crap. I have finally toughened up enough to follow through with starting the divorce proceeding....well almost followed through. I want to pull all financial info first to be prepared in case things get ugly regarding our business. I have had numerous migraines this week and just have felt really down in the dumps. Not really missing him anymore but just the fear and aggrevation of starting over every aspect of my live from divorce to a new home and finding a new job. A lot to bite all at once and I am not handling the stress this week.

I'm glad you are strong enough to move forward. From following your story, I know everything is going to work out well for you. You posess great characteristics that will benefit you through this process. Good luck in the weeks to come.

 

[Awakening2012]

Hi SadWithoutHim (I still think you should change your handle!) -

Thanks for your kind post. It sounds like you have taken some big steps forward, recently -- you have made tons of progress, and will move through this fear as well. You have a lot on your plate, so be sure to make time for self-care and break your goals down into manageable bits. You will get there! How often have I thought I had to have something a certain way in order to be happy, only to see in hind sight that the Uinverse had something better in store for me than anything I could have imagined or planned.

Have faith, my dear, and keep your chin up!

Hugs,- A12