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She has a EA and all of a sudden has new move or positions she wants to try.

Seriously 😳

Schedule a polygraph and take her to it. Tell her what it is in the parking lot. Ask if she has anything to say before you go in. Ask the examiner what questions should be asked for your situation. Do not tell her about it until your in the parking lot.
 

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IF she was seriously DOING the hard work to help YOU understand what she has done - the truth - and doing everything in her power to set things right FOR YOU to have peace of mind about her behaviors - you wouldn’t feel so unsettled…but you do - so she is t doing enough to repair the damage she caused.
And without her getting completely honest… looks like your only option is to polygraph her.
That is the only way you’re going to know how much she’s cheated on you over the years. My bet is - it’s a LOT.
 

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A couple of points.

You seem like you have a plan in place.

You may never know the extent of what actually happened.

Hopefully you found out early enough to stop it in its tracks.

If it really bothers you , you could try the poly. It may shed more light on the actual dynamics of exactly what transpired . If there was more, it will destroy any R attempt. You have already acknowledged this.

As far as consequences , that would be divorce .

NOT tying your wife to the whipping post and constantly throwing it in her face....Thats what some here want you to do...Punish her...

That won't help IMO and isn't adult

Unfortunately , many posters will continue to tell you there was much more. It's only the tip of the iceberg , further fueling your obsession with TAM.

I'm not saying you don't need to hear these things. Yet use your own judgment.
 

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Honestly Dude, I've been where your at with all the information compiling and all it does is make you more resentful, build anxiety (which will lead onto depression), suck up all your time and ignore everything else that matters and be blind to people who really care about you and maybe from the opposite sex and lose that opportunity. I did this the first and second around and never received an apology just excuse's for her actions, and here I am the second time finally gonna get Divo'ed.

So instead of writing a book on here to explain things, gonna be straight up and tell you that within three to four years after you think everything is back to normal and looking good she will still end up leaving you and you will find this out the hard way cos now she has the experience to know how your researching her activities and such.

I wish you all the best of luck and really do pray you work things out with her, just keep a log of all this and look back onto it when you need to.
 

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OK, now you are getting somewhere... you can't forgive what you don't know...

So get the timeline from her and then tell her about the polygraph (you probably don't even need to do the poly)...

If you are afraid to take this step, then you are afraid of what you might find out.

If she is afraid of it, she has something to hide... you'll probably hear "why can't you just trust me"
OP, this x1000 -- get a detailed, written timeline and tell her she's going to have to defend it via a polygraph. You are being more than decent to her, just by not blowing up her affair to friends and family. She is facing almost no consequences, which is your choice I guess, but at least get the written timeline/polygraph to put your mind at ease (or to get the rest of the story, which is also likely). She owes that to you at a minimum after what she's done, anything less is rug-sweeping. I don't have time to go back and read the thread right now, but it's also critical that she is in IC with a therapist who specialized in infidelity... She is broken, and she needs to figure that out and fix her issues in therapy before she can be considered to be a safe partner for you, or anyone else.

Stand up for yourself and insist on all of the above. Hang in there.
 

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Unfortunately , many posters will continue to tell you there was much more. It's only the tip of the iceberg , further fueling your obsession with TAM.

I'm not saying you don't need to hear these things.
I'm going to come back this post after you've been here 10 years Jimi.... and see if you still think the same way. It is not us just projecting our own experience... it is the experience of trying to help hundreds of people through these types of situations over a decade on TAM...... are we always right... no... are we usually right... yes.
 

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Are you two in love with each other? Why are you still married? Sounds like she's doing it for financial reasons. I'd guess you're doing it because it's your comfy status quo.

You've both had EA affairs, she's likely had a PA with a hockey player. Have a heart to heart with your wife, is your marriage worth saving? If you both think yes, get busy and do the hard work of trying to make it better. HARD WORK not going to improve without it.

Sounds like you're both just kind of zombies in a marriage full of cheating, both of you waiting for something momentous to happen to end the marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
OP, this x1000 -- get a detailed, written timeline and tell her she's going to have to defend it via a polygraph. You are being more than decent to her, just by not blowing up her affair to friends and family. She is facing almost no consequences, which is your choice I guess, but at least get the written timeline/polygraph to put your mind at ease (or to get the rest of the story, which is also likely). She owes that to you at a minimum after what she's done, anything less is rug-sweeping. I don't have time to go back and read the thread right now, but it's also critical that she is in IC with a therapist who specialized in infidelity... She is broken, and she needs to figure that out and fix her issues in therapy before she can be considered to be a safe partner for you, or anyone else.

Stand up for yourself and insist on all of the above. Hang in there.
Already do have the
Are you two in love with each other? Why are you still married? Sounds like she's doing it for financial reasons. I'd guess you're doing it because it's your comfy status quo.

You've both had EA affairs, she's likely had a PA with a hockey player. Have a heart to heart with your wife, is your marriage worth saving? If you both think yes, get busy and do the hard work of trying to make it better. HARD WORK not going to improve without it.

Sounds like you're both just kind of zombies in a marriage full of cheating, both of you waiting for something momentous to happen to end the marriage.
Last year it was definitely bad. We barely spoke to each other. Both of us going through depression, fighting constantly, couldn't communicate. We kind of buried ourselves in our independent lifestyles more and more until we were both convinced the marriage was over and didn't think it could be saved. We fell out of love, and it was awful. Then she kissed the player, and that was basically rock bottom. We agreed to look at how we got where we were, and both agreed there were changes we had to make. The past six months have been tumultuous but does feel like a gradual improvement. It has been very difficult and we've had a lot of very difficult conversations. The Love Languages book was extremely influential in getting us back on track. We were basically running our tanks on empty. I truly don't believe that she started any of this with any ill intentions, but acted more out of desperation. It was definitely wrong, But I definitely would have ended up divorced without question had it not occurred. It was the kind of thing that woke us up.

I'm already fully aware of the timeline, and like I said earlier, it really doesn't seem likely that there was anything else.
 

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Good for you, I hope it works out! I didn't see that she is in IC, maybe I missed that but if not she really needs to work through this with a good counselor so she can become a safe partner. Anything short of that is rug sweeping, and she is at risk to pick up the behavior again the next time your relationship hits a stale spot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #53 ·
Good for you, I hope it works out! I didn't see that she is in IC, maybe I missed that but if not she really needs to work through this with a good counselor so she can become a safe partner. Anything short of that is rug sweeping, and she is at risk to pick up the behavior again the next time your relationship hits a stale spot.
I fully agree. No, she isn't in IC yet. It's something I bring up every 2 or 3 days and I'm not going to stop bringing it up until she reaches out and secures a counselor. She hasn't seen one in years and she really should. She had a lot of childhood trauma, including being forced to perform oral sex on her babysitter's 18-year-old son when she was 8. All things considered she turned out fairly normal, but I can definitely tell that she's got some stuff to work through.
 

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I truly don't believe that she started any of this with any ill intentions, but acted more out of desperation.
She didn't start it with ill intentions because that would mean she was intentionally trying to hurt you. She likely didn't think of you at all, not whether you'd be hurt or pissed off. You weren't even a thought. She did it for herself because she wanted to, and if she doesn't have serious consequences she'll do it again and again.
 

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I'm already fully aware of the timeline, and like I said earlier, it really doesn't seem likely that there was anything else.
You have indicated you are taking a “trust but verify” approach, which I don’t think she even deserves that much because of her attitude about her make out session in public. But that’s your prerogative… however the statement above is not “trust but verify”. That’s just trust.

I don’t think you quite comprehend that people are trying to save you from another kick in the head months or years down the road. At best, you’ll get to struggle with the inconsistencies and wonder what actually happened, at worst… she does it again and again and again. At least with a polygraph, you can put some of your questions to rest.


I fully agree. No, she isn't in IC yet. It's something I bring up every 2 or 3 days and I'm not going to stop bringing it up until she reaches out and secures a counselor. She hasn't seen one in years and she really should. She had a lot of childhood trauma, including being forced to perform oral sex on her babysitter's 18-year-old son when she was 8. All things considered she turned out fairly normal, but I can definitely tell that she's got some stuff to work through.
And yet another red flag. She’s not in IC, nor does she want to be.

Is she your teenage daughter or your wife who should be doing just as much, no, MORE self work considering she crossed physical lines.

This woman is a bad bet. I’m sorry she’s riddled with inconsistencies and lack of accountability. I wish you well, but I think you’re setting yourself up for more heartache and pain.
 

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Wish you the best. If you want to look at your wife cheating on you as what saved your marriage, that is on you. You can join the others that have published their stories in newspapers and magazines. Real can’t see how they swallow that sewage. I believe you would have been better off divorced and with someone that had the character to never cheat.
 

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It really doesn’t sound like she is doing everything possible (or even 20%) of what she could to help HEAL the marriage - much less the damage she has done to it!
And you seem to make excuses for her lack of effort.
she seems lukewarm in her efforts - and that’s just never going to be good enough to make the marriage work at this juncture. It’s also why you are feeling unsettled about the past too.
I don’t think she is rushed to change because she knows you’ll stay with her while she does very little effort to help you in all this pain she’s created.

read some stories here about spouses that made effort to help their spouse - and stories of spouses that didn’t make the effort… then tell me which category your marriage falls under.
 

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Last year it was definitely bad. We barely spoke to each other. Both of us going through depression, fighting constantly, couldn't communicate. We kind of buried ourselves in our independent lifestyles more and more until we were both convinced the marriage was over and didn't think it could be saved. We fell out of love, and it was awful. Then she kissed the player, and that was basically rock bottom. We agreed to look at how we got where we were, and both agreed there were changes we had to make. The past six months have been tumultuous but does feel like a gradual improvement. It has been very difficult and we've had a lot of very difficult conversations. The Love Languages book was extremely influential in getting us back on track. We were basically running our tanks on empty. I truly don't believe that she started any of this with any ill intentions, but acted more out of desperation. It was definitely wrong, But I definitely would have ended up divorced without question had it not occurred. It was the kind of thing that woke us up.

I'm already fully aware of the timeline, and like I said earlier, it really doesn't seem likely that there was anything else.
Sounds like you have a game plan and are confident you know the whole situation... I hope it works for you...
 

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A couple of points.

You seem like you have a plan in place.

You may never know the extent of what actually happened.

Hopefully you found out early enough to stop it in its tracks.

If it really bothers you , you could try the poly. It may shed more light on the actual dynamics of exactly what transpired . If there was more, it will destroy any R attempt. You have already acknowledged this.

As far as consequences , that would be divorce .

NOT tying your wife to the whipping post and constantly throwing it in her face....Thats what some here want you to do...Punish her...

That won't help IMO and isn't adult

Unfortunately , many posters will continue to tell you there was much more. It's only the tip of the iceberg , further fueling your obsession with TAM.

I'm not saying you don't need to hear these things. Yet use your own judgment.
Her knowing, that you know, will come through, with every glance, every eyebrow raised.

She will know, with you not saying another word.

Every TV show, every movie where there is cheating, will stimulate that guilt, that she is known as a cheater.

Provided, she cares.
 

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That's the story she stuck to. She knows I don't believe her and that I know what it was, and given how drunk she was when I picked her up, it is possible she kind of blacked out and didn't fully understand what she was doing, but it's also possible she's going to lie and take it to her grave.
I've seen so many posts where someone is given a reduced sentence, not held as accountable, because they were drunk. That's just nuts. Your wife understands what drinking does to her, and she does it anyway. I'm hoping that it's past tense now. If she was willing to drink to the point that she would lose any degree of control, with people around her who aren't supportive of your marriage vows. that's 100% on her and indicative of a problem drinker. That has to be dealt with or else she'll go back to it as an "easy" way to dismiss inconvenient boundaries again.
 
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