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My reason for posting all of this was partly for my own catharsis, and partly to find out what I can do to break this habit of spending 7 hours a day reading these forums. It's only making me suspicious, eating up my work time, and is hurting my emotional help. The bulk of the porn I've been watching the past few months has been "cheating" themed. I'm experiencing an unhealthy obsession.
I have experienced this myself. Sometimes it's hard to discern between paranoia and red flags because of all the scenarios you see here. I don't really know what to tell you about how to fix it except to take a break after you've gotten the bulk of what you need from TAM. Many members have such a hard time NOT reading that they ask for bans from the moderators.

You are wise to assume more happened than you know about. The 'pool party' and the 'campfire' both involved more and likely more egregious activities than you have evidence of. It's virtually an impossibility that they didn't, that's not how adult sexual relationships work. Short of an attack of conscience (I wouldn't hold my breath, she didn't admit to anything until caught), a lie detector test may be your only option giving you a parking lot confession or useful info. You have to be careful with that as well and make sure that the administrator words the questions in a way that you will be satisfied with the answers whether good or bad.
I think I might try to pressure the VP or team she was let go from with the threat of 'bad press' if they don't divulge the facts of her release. This might be a non-starter though.
What is her job now?
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
I have experienced this myself. Sometimes it's hard to discern between paranoia and red flags because of all the scenarios you see here. I don't really know what to tell you about how to fix it except to take a break after you've gotten the bulk of what you need from TAM. Many members have such a hard time NOT reading that they ask for bans from the moderators.

You are wise to assume more happened than you know about. The 'pool party' and the 'campfire' both involved more and likely more egregious activities than you have evidence of. It's virtually an impossibility that they didn't, that's not how adult sexual relationships work. Short of an attack of conscience (I wouldn't hold my breath, she didn't admit to anything until caught), a lie detector test may be your only option giving you a parking lot confession or useful info. You have to be careful with that as well and make sure that the administrator words the questions in a way that you will be satisfied with the answers whether good or bad.
I think I might try to pressure the VP or team she was let go from with the threat of 'bad press' if they don't divulge the facts of her release. This might be a non-starter though.
What is her job now?
I don't want to specifically say because the more details I give, the clearer a picture I paint of our identities. I already gave away more than I'm comfortable with but was necessary for context.

Yeah, coming back here is only making it harder, it's practically an addiction. I wondered why so many people were banned.

I finally posted after several months of reading because I needed to talk about it, and since we aren't telling people (the back and forth of who did what and when would do nothing but destroy our reputations, though it isn't off the table should the need for it arise). I have therapy once a week and my therapist agrees that I'm dealing with an obsession with the cheating (I don't want to call it an affair because it wasn't something that went on so much as happened), which was alright at first, but yeah, I'm chasing literally everything that feels like a flag, even amplifying behavior that isn't that suspicious but only appears suspicious because of what I went through. Even with all of the chasing, nothing seems to imply she's gone back on her word in any way. Maybe subconsciously I want her to screw up so I can justify still feeling this way. It sucks.
 

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She wasn’t going out because “you let her”! 🙄
She was going out because she wanted to! And that was HER priority!
Are you two still doing counseling together?
what is your wife’s attitude/changing about what happened with her betrayal?

i don’t understand why you don’t see that your wife has been involved in a full on affair? Possibly several affairs over the years.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
She wasn’t going out because “you let her”! 🙄
She was going out because she wanted to! And that was HER priority!
Are you two still doing counseling together?
what is your wife’s attitude/changing about what happened with her betrayal?

i don’t understand why you don’t see that your wife has been involved in a full on affair? Possibly several affairs over the years.
It is entirely possible she was. I take every day one day at a time because I never know how I'll feel or what I'll learn. I'm just working on me for now.
 

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I don't want to specifically say because the more details I give, the clearer a picture I paint of our identities. I already gave away more than I'm comfortable with but was necessary for context.

Yeah, coming back here is only making it harder, it's practically an addiction. I wondered why so many people were banned.

I finally posted after several months of reading because I needed to talk about it, and since we aren't telling people (the back and forth of who did what and when would do nothing but destroy our reputations, though it isn't off the table should the need for it arise). I have therapy once a week and my therapist agrees that I'm dealing with an obsession with the cheating (I don't want to call it an affair because it wasn't something that went on so much as happened), which was alright at first, but yeah, I'm chasing literally everything that feels like a flag, even amplifying behavior that isn't that suspicious but only appears suspicious because of what I went through. Even with all of the chasing, nothing seems to imply she's gone back on her word in any way. Maybe subconsciously I want her to screw up so I can justify still feeling this way. It sucks.
I mean, after something like this, just word alone won’t mean much. If her actions are remorseful and consistent over time, then you at least have something to work with. But it’s good that you’re taking time for yourself as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I mean, after something like this, just word alone won’t mean much. If her actions are remorseful and consistent over time, then you at least have something to work with. But it’s good that you’re taking time for yourself as well.
Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
What exactly is SHE doing to repair the damage she caused?
She no longer goes out clubbing without me, and if she does, it's been only with a few girls that I know without a doubt are good friends of the marriage and don't have ulterior motives. She's been better about her anger outbursts and doesn't treat me like I'm an inconvenience to her lifestyle anymore (as I have been with her since as well), we communicate more openly, and she's been open with me about who she has conversations with.

That said, I still don't trust her fully and might not for a long time, if ever. I trust but verify.
 

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I don't want to specifically say because the more details I give, the clearer a picture I paint of our identities. I already gave away more than I'm comfortable with but was necessary for context.
I wasn't really asking for specifics, sorry if it came off that way.
I was wondering more if she is still in an environment that could be inducive to her cheating again.



Even with all of the chasing, nothing seems to imply she's gone back on her word in any way. Maybe subconsciously I want her to screw up so I can justify still feeling this way. It sucks.
Trust but verify is the mantra you need to live by.
You need to try to find a balance (obviously) between obsessing and letting your guard down.
I doubt subconsciously you want her to cheat again but more you want security that you know everything, unfortunately, that will never happen even if you find out more, there will always seems to be more and you get stuck in the constantly looking. Time helps with this some, it's still early days for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
I wasn't really asking for specifics, sorry if it came off that way.
I was wondering more if she is still in an environment that could be inducive to her cheating again.




Trust but verify is the mantra you need to live by.
You need to try to find a balance (obviously) between obsessing and letting your guard down.
I doubt subconsciously you want her to cheat again but more you want security that you know everything, unfortunately, that will never happen even if you find out more, there will always seems to be more and you get stuck in the constantly looking. Time helps with this some, it's still early days for you.
That's what I've realized as I move forward. Sometimes I accept what I don't know and can't change and can confidently continue. Sometimes I'm a complete paranoid wreck. I'm still wildly dynamic with my emotional state. She's been good at working with me on it. I've had honest conversations about how guilty I feel about how I treated her in the years prior, that I finally understand how much I hurt her, and that I'm going to be experiencing this variety of emotions for a long time regarding everything. She understands.

Tough to say about work environment. Yes, in theory, it could be inducive to cheating. She has little oversight, gets to travel locally for half the day to solicit business, and were she to find someone else and stray, there would be plenty of opportunity. But on the flip side, she's actually happy for what feels like the first time in years, and she's included me in this new life. She also goes out of her way to keep me informed of her whereabouts, ESPECIALLY when she knows I might have some reservations or fears or triggers.

Could all of this be complete horseshit? Sure, it could be. I'm learning to navigate as I go.
 

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Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.
Did she finally admit her brotherly kiss was not appropriate and not brotherly (whatever that means) or is that still the story she’s sticking to?
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Did she finally admit her brotherly kiss was not appropriate and not brotherly (whatever that means) or is that still the story she’s sticking to?
That's the story she stuck to. She knows I don't believe her and that I know what it was, and given how drunk she was when I picked her up, it is possible she kind of blacked out and didn't fully understand what she was doing, but it's also possible she's going to lie and take it to her grave.
 

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That's the story she stuck to. She knows I don't believe her and that I know what it was, and given how drunk she was when I picked her up, it is possible she kind of blacked out and didn't fully understand what she was doing, but it's also possible she's going to lie and take it to her grave.
That’s not remorse sir.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
You know we're not buying her story.
I never said I was buying it either. I've accepted that it happened, and I can only work within what I know and what I can still learn. I dug hard and I dug deep and probably crossed into the territory of borderline insanity at times, and I've learned everything I possibly can without her directly telling me that there's more. I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.
 

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I never said I was buying it either. I've accepted that it happened, and I can only work within what I know and what I can still learn. I dug hard and I dug deep and probably crossed into the territory of borderline insanity at times, and I've learned everything I possibly can without her directly telling me that there's more. I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.
I'm sorry you're going through it. Since you've read a lot here, you know that you need to imagine the worst. It's probably what happened. You and she can start all over again, but it will never be the same.

And I may be in the minority, but I don't equate an EA with a PA. I could recover from an EA. Not a PA.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
I'm sorry you're going through it. Since you've read a lot here, you know that you need to imagine the worst. It's probably what happened. You and she can start all over again, but it will never be the same.

And I may be in the minority, but I don't equate an EA with a PA. I could recover from an EA. Not a PA.
I didn't even technically know that such a thing as an emotional affair existed until I started reading this site. And based on what I know now, I feel like both hit me equally as hard. And yes I have thoroughly imagined the worst, and to her credit, she has talked me through it and maintained that nothing more happened. It still doesn't stop me from occasionally going soft during intimacy because the mind movies start playing. Once or twice she tried something new and it freaked me out, but I talked to her about it and she insisted it wasn't something she learned from anyone else, just something she wanted to try that she thought I might like.

I don't know that I can believe her or not. I'm probably going to war with myself over this for a long time. It might work out and it might not, but right now I'm just picking up the pieces. It basically felt like an earthquake destroyed everything I cared about, and now I'm trying to decide what things should be picked back up and what things should be left to rest.
 

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Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.
OK, now you are getting somewhere... you can't forgive what you don't know...

So get the timeline from her and then tell her about the polygraph (you probably don't even need to do the poly)...

If you are afraid to take this step, then you are afraid of what you might find out.

If she is afraid of it, she has something to hide... you'll probably hear "why can't you just trust me"
 
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