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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm a 38(M) married to a 36(F), married for 7 years, together for 12. I only discovered this forum a few months ago, a while after D-Day had already occurred, as well as after D-Day 2. Since, I've read almost a hundred pages of forums, all trying to better understand what my life has become.

First, I'm not going to pretend I'm a betrayed spouse the same was as many of you. I was involved with emotional affairs as long as digital communication has been a thing. I just never really understood the significance of it or that it had a name. I'll come back to this after. I'm condensing a lot of the explanation for length of post, but I can probably elaborate if needed.

I play in a popular local wedding/casino/bar cover band, which means that ever since before I met my wife, a significant number of weekends were spent playing concerts. For the first number of years, she would come to my shows and be very supportive, even making themed props for us. Over the years, she gradually stopped taking interest or coming to shows, and started doing things on her own or with others. I never really thought much of it, because I trusted her. Because we were always tight on funds (she was chronically unemployed), I worked extra jobs after work, so I really was never home.

When the first COVID lockdown happened, my marriage emerged stronger than it had been in years. We spent a lot of quality time together, and we enjoyed the change of pace. We didn't have the distractions that were always present. Summer came around, and I did get to perform a few shows, but it was still a lot quieter. The second lockdown happened at the end of 2020, but this time we weren't connecting as well. All of 2021 felt like depression was setting in heavily for both of us. I wasn't trying hard to reach her, and I felt her slipping away. I put in no effort to stop it, because I was completely immersed in my own depression. I was thinking about my future, wanting kids, her not, her hating this area, me wanting to stay... I started to think we were going in different directions, and started to accept that we might end up divorced.

Without giving away too much, my wife was involved with a hockey team. I won't specify the team, the division, or her role, because it's too recognizable. This was a dream job for her, and I was supportive. I attended almost every game, dropped her off early, dropped her off at special events and when she wanted to hang out with others involved with the organization. I thought things were good because she seemed happy with it, but over time, she got less happy with me.

She always had issues with my family, as she was looked at as me having "married down" from the type I was expected to marry. They were all accepting for the most part, but they clashed over issues, and she slowly stopped participating in family visits (when she did, she would sit alone in the other room on her phone). I will admit that I never really stood up for her, because you don't go against the family. I also never really gave her the benefit of the doubt during disagreements, even when she would usually end up being correct. She would always point out things that were wrong, and I would dismiss her. I even was so much of a gossip that I couldn't keep secrets she would tell me, and she flat out told me that she couldn't call me her best friend because of that. By the time April of 2022 came around, I was sure we would divorce, and I thought it would be the right move. There was a special event the team was having, but I was told that I wasn't invited because it was a small venue and there were no "plus one" invites. I told my father this the night of the event, and he mentioned it to my sister. My sister's best friend had ties to the team. Her husband worked with them, and she was invited to the gala. My sister was suspicious, and asked the friend to keep an eye on my wife. I would later learn that it was true, guests weren't allowed, but this guy was allowed to bring his wife due to his role with the organization, but the suspicion turned out to be justified. My wife kept putting off getting picked up, even after the event ended. She went out to a bar with people from the team, and I barely heard from her. It was a work night, and I didn't want to be up late waiting for her. At midnight, I talked to her on the phone and she wouldn't tell me where she was because I was annoyed, and her previous boyfriends would demand to know where she was, then show up and accuse her of cheating. I finally got her to tell me where she was by promising I would let her be. At 2am, she called me for a ride. When I picked her up, she was really drunk and telling me stories about why she had to stay so late, none of them being a good reason. We fought, she told me she would file for divorce if she could afford it. She asked if there was any good reason for her to stay, and I said I couldn't think of any, and I went to bed. Two weeks later, my brother called me. My sister had told him something that they were both afraid to tell me. My wife had apparently been making out with one of the hockey players at this bar in front of people (including the husband of my sister's friend), then told people not to tell on her.

When I confronted her that night, she didn't deny it. She felt bad for hurting me, said nothing I had done to her or failed to do for her justified what she did. She also did try to pass it off as a "brotherly kiss" but I don't believe her. I've accepted she made out with him, whether she's convinced herself she didn't or not. We started marriage counseling soon after.

She had been asking for counseling for two years, and I kept refusing because we couldn't afford it. By the time my Employee Assistance Plan offered marriage counseling, she was no longer interested. I knew we were in trouble, but I didn't push. Now I was pushing and she agreed. Here's where the "I'm no angel" part comes in. She had caught me having inappropriate text conversations with other girls several times over the years. There were others that stopped because I had pissed off their boyfriends. I knew what I was doing, but I also didn't. Even though nothing ever went physical, I still couldn't understand why it hurt her so badly. She forgave, but never forgot. When I first started my current job, I got flown to DC for training, and she had asked me not to meet up with a friend of mine from college. I lied and said I wouldn't, but I did anyway. There was no emotional or physical cheating, but she called me while I was at dinner with this girl and her friends. The deception was a big problem. She always forgave me and we kept going.

So the summary is that I was never great. I wouldn't truly listen to her, I rarely defended her, I never treated her like my number one. So when I found out she cheated on me, I didn't run away. I knew that people make mistakes, and she had given up on us (she told me many times before, and I didn't listen). I considered it a wakeup call more than anything.

Things were gradually improving, but I was having a lot of trouble with some things. She was very close with two of the players, and would talk on snapchat with them constantly. Up to this point, I had never checked her phone. One night a few weeks after D-Day and after we'd already gone to counseling, I found she bought me a ticket to a concert so I could go with friends. She had gone to their house to swim in the lake during the week, and now she was going to go to their house for a fire before the season ended and they went back home. The whole night I was stressed out. When I got home from the concert, she was JUST LEAVING to go to their house. She was dressed up far too cute to be going to a campfire, but I let it go and dealt with it. She came home at 2:30am, and I felt I had made it through the hard part. A month later, the shock started wearing off, and I started getting more suspicious. I finally went into her phone and opened her snapchat (something I hadn't done yet). I saw only one of the players in her conversations, not both. Which meant she definitely favored one over the other. I saw messages where she called him the "sexiest" player, pictures of the two of them showing their tan lines by pulling bathing suits aside (nothing graphic but still inappropriate), her being very flirty, her sucking on a popsicle with the text "Popsicle before bed! Goodnight XOXO" and more. Again, nothing graphic, but wholly inappropriate. I confronted her with screenshots I took and she admitted to an EA. I finally understood what I had done to her for years. She still insists it was only an EA, and I haven't found anything to suggest they continued contact (there's a foreign language barrier and an overseas divide, so I'm not that worried). I do believe it was stopped in its tracks, but absolutely would have become physical if not for D-Day 1 and D-Day 2.

So back to the present, it's been six months. Her and I are closer than ever, but the rest of my life has fallen apart. It feels like an earthquake collapsed everything and I'm still picking up what pieces are important. I haven't booked any new concerts for next year, I can't focus on my job at all, and I've lost interest in almost everything I cared about other than her. In some ways, I'm okay with the idea of spending more time at home with her or getting to experience life with her instead of working or performing. I had been warned about this entertainer/workaholic kind of lifestyle, and I didn't listen until it was on my doorstep. I don't feel pressured into this, I'm doing it because I really do want to work this out.

Reading these forums has helped me make sense of everything leading up and everything after. I don't believe I'm in any danger, but my irrational brain won't let it go. Her best friend believes she hasn't done anything more than what I already know. The person who witnessed the kiss wouldn't tell me anymore, the VP of the organization wouldn't tell me anything, but my wife was dismissed from her role (they don't like distractions). I've been told that the guy she kissed got transferred to another team, so he's gone (plus there was no history there, it was a one time drunken makeout session).

I've become extremely suspicious not because of what happened or because I believe more happened than I know. These forums have corrupted me, and I can no longer trust ANYONE.

My reason for posting all of this was partly for my own catharsis, and partly to find out what I can do to break this habit of spending 7 hours a day reading these forums. It's only making me suspicious, eating up my work time, and is hurting my emotional help. The bulk of the porn I've been watching the past few months has been "cheating" themed. I'm experiencing an unhealthy obsession. Also wondering if there's any advice on how to continue working on improving the marriage other than the passing of time. I'm already in weekly IC, and we did a few months of MC. She hasn't gotten her own IC yet, but I still want her to.

Someone help me pick up the pieces of my life. I can't be the same person I was. I know too much. I'm okay with that. But I need to get my brain back to thinking about something other than infidelity before it becomes too late.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I should also add that I've now read the "Five Languages of Love" and "Not Just Friends" and both have been monumental in helping me understand how my behavior helped contribute to this. The woman who did these things isn't my wife, she had become someone else by that point, but she's been more like herself than ever. I just can't stop looking for things to be red flags, even when they might not even exist.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Wow! I don’t know where to start. You have posted a lot for us veterans on here to digest.
Yeah, I know I left out a LOT but there was no way to tell the whole story and not lose everyone halfway through.

I'm still glad I chose R over D because this whole thing truly woke me up from the fog I had been in and I've been working very hard at being her partner instead of just "her roommate." Sex is still intermittent, maybe 2-3/month, and sometimes she acts a little distant (which puts me on alert mode), but I think that's because certain underlying problems won't likely get fixed... Winter is about to set in, and I see her starting to suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder again. I worry that she'll get depressed, think I'm not being supportive, and look elsewhere again. I have no precedent to support this aside from this past spring, but I fear this anxiety will stay with me forever.
 

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Hey, I am a former BH who reconciled. Hang in there. It can be accomplished. My advice is to be there. Be present. Not just there, if I am making sense. I would encourage you to consider Gottman Cards, and both of you try these out. I found them great for improving our communication. Dr. Gottman is a premier guru in marriage counseling. Check him out. You can get the actual cards, or down load them to your iPhone or Android.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hey, I am a former BH who reconciled. Hang in there. It can be accomplished. My advice is to be there. Be present. Not just there, if I am making sense. I would encourage you to consider Gottman Cards, and both of you try these out. I found them great for improving our communication. Dr. Gottman is a premier guru in marriage counseling. Check him out. You can get the actual cards, or down load them to your iPhone or Android.
Thank you for the suggestion! One of the things that happened during the depression last year was for Valentine's Day 2021 she got us a "date night" game. I kept putting off playing it. We finally did after R and it turns out I really enjoyed the time and fun with her. I now want to do more things like this. I never really understood that you have to continue to "date" your spouse until recently. I'm glad you're doing well.

I still go back and forth between emotions daily. Happy, sad, suspicious, love-bombing, paranoid, etc. It's pretty rapid-fire and inconsistent. I bring up what happened frequently. Sometimes she'll engage, sometimes she gets upset. She still won't tell me his name (nobody will) because she isn't "there yet" and R has been slow because she said she checked out of this marriage over a year ago and it doesn't just "come right back."

I've become more emotionally understanding, putting myself in her shoes, and trying to truly just survive for the time being. Everything feels both in order and in shambles at any given time. Sometimes I think I should have ended it, most the time I don't. I'm going to distrust everyone for a long, long time, but at least I now trust myself to be a better person. Regardless of what happens from here, I'm still going to continue working on myself.

I just worry she won't work on herself.
 

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Ya know, people can be madly in love, and still do stupid things. 😌You both sound like you've had your fair share of emotional affairs, hers going a bit further. But, if you both want to reconcile, it will take more than love. You have to learn to hear and respect each other. You have to both want to change. You've been together for a while, and I'd say that counseling could be helpful, because you both sound like you don't really know how to consistently communicate with each other.

To your point about your wife ''looking elsewhere again,'' you'll have to make a choice if this is the kind of marriage you truly want, at that point.

I'd say you both need firm boundaries at the very least on that point - no more sexting other women/men, emotional affairs, etc...and go from there. I hope things get better for your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Ya know, people can be madly in love, and still do stupid things. 😌You both sound like you've had your fair share of emotional affairs, hers going a bit further. But, if you both want to reconcile, it will take more than love. You have to learn to hear and respect each other. You have to both want to change. You've been together for a while, and I'd say that counseling could be helpful, because you both sound like you don't really know how to consistently communicate with each other.

To your point about your wife ''looking elsewhere again,'' you'll have to make a choice if this is the kind of marriage you truly want, at that point.

I'd say you both need firm boundaries at the very least on that point - no more sexting other women/men, emotional affairs, etc...and go from there. I hope things get better for your marriage.
Thank you. You aren't wrong, that's something I figured out through all of this is that we became awful at communicating. She was always thoughtful toward me and I never really showed the appreciation. I thought I did, but I rarely did anything exclusively for her, it was always something that I also wanted. I've been working on this, and she is genuinely happier. I asked her the other day if she still thinks about divorce and she told me she doesn't.

I guess I just still need reassurance that things are going to be okay, even though it isn't possible to give that kind of reassurance.
 

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Why are you wanting to work things out with a wife who wants to divorce but can’t afford to? Sex 2 to 3 times a month? You’re both still in your 30s? Is that really what you want?

After supposedly reading a lot of threads these past few months, having a 2nd d day, you actually believe that she hasn’t hooked up with the 2nd guy that she made out with? The one that she left the house all dolled up to see lying that she was going to hang out camping?

btw, I doubt she got fired because of your snooping. I’d bet her and the player got busted and she was let go to stop any blow back for the player.
 

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It seems like there are significant incompatibilities that would make your relationship difficult even if there was no EA on your side or PA on her side (kissing is not EA).

You wanting kids and her not is a huge one.
You not feeling strongly enough about her to defend her.
Your family not liking her (this out in the open make out session she had will not help that situation).
Her not liking your location.
Her issues with continuous employment.

Add the affairs and deceit and mistrust to that.... I personally don't think your relationship is good for either of you. People that are self-confident and value themselves, don't allow people to cheat on them (emotionally or physically). She should have left you when you did it and you should be leaving her now.

You both seem like you just had a standard 20 year old type dating situation and learned a lot from it, but you did that at your current age while married. Most people aren't acting like that after learning lessons early on about how to be a good partner / spouse.

There are billions of others of the opposite sex, some of whom will want exactly what you want out of life... I would think heavily about exactly why you are trying to save this thing and giving up the opportunity of finding someone who is actually compatable with you. Maybe its comfort and you don't want to be unconfortable for a little while, maybe you are scared of being alone, maybe you are a fixer and don't give up easy... but logically it doesn't make sense to save this...

From a statistics standpoint, your chances of this lasting are low based on the factors above, so don't fall into a sunk cost fallacy and let your prior time together dictate your decisions going forward.

Some on here will assist you in pushing for reconcilation if that is the path you choose, but I don't see what you are saving and would be looking to cut your losses.
 

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I just reread your original and last post and I’m more concerned for your situation. Your wife was very likely in a sexual PA with one of the players she made out with. That week of going to their house to “swim” is very suspect. She mentioned 2 players to throw you off but she was there for one of them.

I really think that it is very likely that these guys were not the first time she has stepped out on you. Your description of the distance your had last year sounds like a woman that was involved with someone else. She detached from you and still is.

Lastly, she doesn’t sound like R material. The slight improvement you’re seeing in your relationship doesn’t seem to be out of love and remorse. After 6 months since the betrayal, you have a sex life of someone in their 70s. At your age, with no kids, you should be having a way more passionate sex life. That you don’t, speaks volumes of her Lukewarm feelings for you and your lack of confidence in your relationship. Your fear of losing her leaps off the page. If I can sense it, so can she.
 

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You both sound like a hot mess with extremely poor boundaries. I think you’ll both keep continuing on as you have been until one of you finds their exit affair (I think it’ll be her).

And now you’re obsessing about trying to bust her or find more info… she already cheated! (I don’t allow my brothers lips anywhere near me, boy cooties.) But she tells you she’s kissing men at the bar “like her brother”. Haven’t heard that one before! Point for creativity there.

She goes to the bar and stays out until 2:30am partying with men… and you’re playing in a band until all hours of the day and night and this is normal behavior in your marriage…. I don’t know that your relationship can withstand the growing pains, or that you two are even suited for marriage at this point… it just doesn’t seem like it can work out. I think all you can do at this point is make a concerted effort to work on yourself and find out why you’re so drawn to EA’s… and dysfunction.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I've considered all of these things so far.

To clarify, the player she had the EA with and went to visit was not the same player that she kissed. I have no proof that anything more happened, but I operate on the assumption that I don't know everything, that much more could have happened, and I might never know one way or the other.

Yes, there are some incompatibilities, but we both waffle on those at times. I truly do go back and forth about kids. Sometimes I really want them (last year it felt like a biological urge), and sometimes I really don't know that I could give up my lifestyle at this time. She usually doesn't want to have kids (not because she doesn't want them, but because she has severe endometriosis that lowers her probability of carrying a successful pregnancy and she doesn't want to have to sacrifice her body to deliver one - as a feminist myself, I get that argument and don't blame her) but sometimes she does, and she has proposed adoption. No decision has been made because neither of us are really sure. She also does find things she really loves about the area, but she hates the weather and the attitude of the people who live here. Otherwise, it's a mixed bag like anywhere else. I could also see myself moving once our parents are no longer around. I won't leave them behind.

She was only going out without me because I let her. Prior to last year, it wasn't a problem. Ever since, I've been with her every time and we've been having a great time. We used to before, I just started withdrawing into myself and started acting out when she would want us to go out together, and I was emotionally checking out, so she started going without me. This wasn't something that just changed overnight. We lost focus on each other gradually. She no longer associates with any of the crowd she fell into.

Could it happen again? Possibly. But I do believe that this wasn't something either of us sought out intentionally, we were terrible at communicating with each other, and rather than address it, we sabotaged ourselves and each other. I honestly used to make her look bad in front of people without even seeing that I was doing it or without having a good reason to. Looking back on my behavior over the past decade, I don't know how much of it was shaped by my upbringing. I've been working on unlearning a lot and it's helped so much with my attitude and approach toward empathy. She fell in love with me because of it and fell out of love because I stopped showing it a long time ago. While I'm still scared in the back of my mind, I feel more like myself than I have in years, and she's been more like herself than she has in years as well.

I vowed to cut my performance schedule in half for next year, not because she asked for it, but because I was warned by my bassist ten years ago that his first marriage fell apart because he was always away playing. Honestly many of my musician friends have lost marriages for the same reason. I knew this was possible, but I ignored it. I made the decision to start living more of my life outside of being an entertainer, and spending it with my wife. It feels like there's so much more possibility now.

"Like kissing her brother" was definitely a new one, and I knew it was likely false. I know when she gets overly drunk she would have a habit of kissing girls, which always made me a little uncomfortable. This time it was a guy, and that was where the line was drawn. After counseling, she won't be kissing girls anymore either because she understands that even kissing a girl is breaking her vow. I'm holding her to it.

Her issues with chronic unemployment were because she dropped out of college after one year because her best friend did, and she didn't go back until just before we got married. She got an associates degree, but every job she got after ended up being a completely miserable factory job with no windows, hazy air quality, a "boys club" environment, and she was getting depressed. She would get laid off when a major contract ended and start over somewhere else. She finally broke that cycle with her new job that actually pays almost as much as I earn, so the income inequality is gone, her environment is much happier, she likes what she does. I think there's finally hope that this could work out, but I'm also realistically not letting my guard down.

I know it's complicated, but so is everyone's story here. Yes, I made a post knowing full well that I was going to have questions asked. That's not a bad thing. I wanted to make sure I've considered every possible question or angle, as I'm moving forward cautiously. Our lives were definitely unsustainable. It all broke, as expected. I know our marriage that we knew is dead, but maybe that's okay. We both learned a lot from it. Do I believe she's a cheater? She did cheat. Prior to that, she had only cheated on one other ex, and it was because he rampantly cheated on her first. She knows what she did was appalling, but what I did was as well. I had a chance to walk away. I honestly almost did. It was an extremely difficult few weeks following D-Day (including D-Day 2 - which, by the way, had also already stopped by the time I saw the snaps... they were only still visible because he saved them to chat). There was a lot of heartache and long discussions. There were fights, there was crying, there has been learning.

Everything has been a mess, but it's slowly cleaning up. If things go south again, I think we'll both know that we did our best trying again but were too broken. I'm hoping that isn't the case, but I'm not stupid. Crossing my fingers and hoping this was the worst of it. I will continue to verify and keep my guard up until I feel completely safe, but even then, I know too much about how this stuff works, and I think even if we were to split up, I'd be just as distrustful of a new partner for a long time.
 

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I've considered all of these things so far.

To clarify, the player she had the EA with and went to visit was not the same player that she kissed. I have no proof that anything more happened, but I operate on the assumption that I don't know everything, that much more could have happened, and I might never know one way or the other.

Yes, there are some incompatibilities, but we both waffle on those at times. I truly do go back and forth about kids. Sometimes I really want them (last year it felt like a biological urge), and sometimes I really don't know that I could give up my lifestyle at this time. She usually doesn't want to have kids (not because she doesn't want them, but because she has severe endometriosis that lowers her probability of carrying a successful pregnancy and she doesn't want to have to sacrifice her body to deliver one - as a feminist myself, I get that argument and don't blame her) but sometimes she does, and she has proposed adoption. No decision has been made because neither of us are really sure. She also does find things she really loves about the area, but she hates the weather and the attitude of the people who live here. Otherwise, it's a mixed bag like anywhere else. I could also see myself moving once our parents are no longer around. I won't leave them behind.

She was only going out without me because I let her. Prior to last year, it wasn't a problem. Ever since, I've been with her every time and we've been having a great time. We used to before, I just started withdrawing into myself and started acting out when she would want us to go out together, and I was emotionally checking out, so she started going without me. This wasn't something that just changed overnight. We lost focus on each other gradually. She no longer associates with any of the crowd she fell into.

Could it happen again? Possibly. But I do believe that this wasn't something either of us sought out intentionally, we were terrible at communicating with each other, and rather than address it, we sabotaged ourselves and each other. I honestly used to make her look bad in front of people without even seeing that I was doing it or without having a good reason to. Looking back on my behavior over the past decade, I don't know how much of it was shaped by my upbringing. I've been working on unlearning a lot and it's helped so much with my attitude and approach toward empathy. She fell in love with me because of it and fell out of love because I stopped showing it a long time ago. While I'm still scared in the back of my mind, I feel more like myself than I have in years, and she's been more like herself than she has in years as well.

I vowed to cut my performance schedule in half for next year, not because she asked for it, but because I was warned by my bassist ten years ago that his first marriage fell apart because he was always away playing. Honestly many of my musician friends have lost marriages for the same reason. I knew this was possible, but I ignored it. I made the decision to start living more of my life outside of being an entertainer, and spending it with my wife. It feels like there's so much more possibility now.

"Like kissing her brother" was definitely a new one, and I knew it was likely false. I know when she gets overly drunk she would have a habit of kissing girls, which always made me a little uncomfortable. This time it was a guy, and that was where the line was drawn. After counseling, she won't be kissing girls anymore either because she understands that even kissing a girl is breaking her vow. I'm holding her to it.

Her issues with chronic unemployment were because she dropped out of college after one year because her best friend did, and she didn't go back until just before we got married. She got an associates degree, but every job she got after ended up being a completely miserable factory job with no windows, hazy air quality, a "boys club" environment, and she was getting depressed. She would get laid off when a major contract ended and start over somewhere else. She finally broke that cycle with her new job that actually pays almost as much as I earn, so the income inequality is gone, her environment is much happier, she likes what she does. I think there's finally hope that this could work out, but I'm also realistically not letting my guard down.

I know it's complicated, but so is everyone's story here. Yes, I made a post knowing full well that I was going to have questions asked. That's not a bad thing. I wanted to make sure I've considered every possible question or angle, as I'm moving forward cautiously. Our lives were definitely unsustainable. It all broke, as expected. I know our marriage that we knew is dead, but maybe that's okay. We both learned a lot from it. Do I believe she's a cheater? She did cheat. Prior to that, she had only cheated on one other ex, and it was because he rampantly cheated on her first. She knows what she did was appalling, but what I did was as well. I had a chance to walk away. I honestly almost did. It was an extremely difficult few weeks following D-Day (including D-Day 2 - which, by the way, had also already stopped by the time I saw the snaps... they were only still visible because he saved them to chat). There was a lot of heartache and long discussions. There were fights, there was crying, there has been learning.

Everything has been a mess, but it's slowly cleaning up. If things go south again, I think we'll both know that we did our best trying again but were too broken. I'm hoping that isn't the case, but I'm not stupid. Crossing my fingers and hoping this was the worst of it. I will continue to verify and keep my guard up until I feel completely safe, but even then, I know too much about how this stuff works, and I think even if we were to split up, I'd be just as distrustful of a new partner for a long time.
So she goes out and kisses girls but promises to stop doing that smh… you two sound like college kids not grown people trying to make a marriage work. It would be very very bad for you two to bring kids into this situation. Very unstable. And if you did, you’re never going to leave her no matter what she does. (The very idea that you should stay with eachother in dysfunction because you won’t trust a new partner points directly at your own insecurities and unhealthy thinking)

Are you both getting counseling?

By the way, you’re BOTH cheaters. Right now. Because you both seek a type of external attention and affection that destroys relationships when anything gets difficult or boring. Her cheating on an ex boyfriend “because he did it first” doesn’t make her loyal, it makes her dysfunctional. The way you word things is telling… “only” cheated on one other guy. Did you two have a bunch of cheating in your families growing up?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
So, Just to get it straight: she Kissed one Guy and nobody is telling you anything relating to it. But your wife lost her job over it - a brotherly kiss.
The she had an EA with another guy.
Am I the only one seeing a pattern here?
The organization didn't even know about it until I reached out and asked the VP if she knew if what I had heard was true (I did this the morning of D-Day, two weeks after). The witnesses protect the players, so they weren't going to bring it up to anyone. The only reason I found out was because the one guy's wife couldn't keep it quiet and told my sister. She wasn't let go officially until August, despite everything happening in April. The players hadn't been around since May, so there's no timeline that works with this theory. When they let her go, they told her they were "going in a different direction" without actually acknowledging what happened, but a week prior, the director of programming had mentioned to her that the organization was worried I might interfere and draw them into a bad light. They were more concerned with rumors getting out than they were with what had actually happened. I used to work fairly closely with them as well, but I'm glad we're both stepping away from it. Distance is good in this case.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
So she goes out and kisses girls but promises to stop doing that smh… you two sound like college kids not grown people trying to make a marriage work. It would be very very bad for you two to bring kids into this situation. Very unstable. And if you did, you’re never going to leave her no matter what she does. (The very idea that you should stay with eachother in dysfunction because you won’t trust a new partner points directly at your own insecurities and unhealthy thinking)

Are you both getting counseling?

By the way, you’re BOTH cheaters. Right now. Because you both seek a type of external attention and affection that destroys relationships when anything gets difficult or boring. Her cheating on an ex boyfriend “because he did it first” doesn’t make her loyal, it makes her dysfunctional. The way you word things is telling… “only” cheated on one other guy. Did you two have a bunch of cheating in your families growing up?
Yes, a lot of our relationship has felt like two people refusing to officially grow up. We've always reluctantly embraced typical adult lifestyles bit by bit, but this kind of forced us to re-evaluate how that was working for us overall. It clearly wasn't. The heavy social drinking had always been a problem. Yes, I have a tendency to seek external affection, and it was definitely self-destructive. This whole thing was so out of character for her that it completely blew the minds of the people we told. I really do think that this wasn't something that would have happened had we established better boundaries, been better at communicating, and not psychologically sabotaged each other leading up to it.

No, there's no history of cheating in my family. Her family definitely doesn't fit the description of a nuclear family (only child, single father, moved around a lot, etc) so the life we have is definitely not what she's used to. By buying a house in the suburbs, I ended her nomadic lifestyle, and it's kind of a mixed bag for her.
 

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She was only going out without me because I let her.
Don't you see there is a huge problem with this statement.... if left to her own devices she goes out and cheats on you, so the solution is to not let her go out without you?

You have a lot of excuses of why you should continue with her, when basically everything in your relationship is a red flag, including how you are handling this situation.

If a friend came to you with the same story, what would your advice be? You seem unable to take a step back and look at the overall situation...
 
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