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Help!
Looking back, maybe we should not have gotten married. I got married last fall. We are both mid-thirties, this is first marriage for both of us. My husband is a very caring guy, a nice friend to have for anybody, and we have some very good conversations and quite a few good laughs. However, I would rather not have sex with him; and at this point I'm happier when we are doing separate activities. Let me point out that we didn't have good sex when we were dating either - right now, we are once a month or less. And it has not been good. Even the honeymoon sex was kind of lame.

Things about marriage that make me unhappy: I dislike having to account for myself and my spending. I dislike not having private space. I do not want to talk about sex or why it's not good or why we aren't having it. We each have income, we split the bills although I pay for my house and he pays for his house (we didn't sell his house - using it as rental property - I bought a house shortly before we got married for us to move into together - we picked that house together).

This all feels very surreal. I always thought that I was more decisive than this, that I would know whether I was marrying the right person. I cannot decide how much of this thought process to share with my H. I cannot decipher whether this marriage is entirely off course. We even did pre-marital counseling and went back to the counselor after H was laid off shortly after our wedding. We get along fairly well - but we're a lot like roommates - and, frankly, I prefer to live alone if that's the choice presented to me.

There's so many people on these forums with much bigger issues (finances, substance abuse, etc). I have to wonder if anyone will even notice this posting. But I just feel like I have no friends to tell this to, and I'm good friends with my mom, but I can't have this conversation with her until I have something to say other than "I'm not happy."
 

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If he is controlling, that will put you off sex with him. It's #1 on my "hit list" #2 is the doormat hubby. But it's a close second believe me.
 

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S,

Sounds like you were not ready for marriage.

Everything you post and dislike is marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
let's assume I wasn't ready for marriage at the time. I really don't want to hurt my H - I care about him and want him to be well. What can I do to get ready now, in the midst of it?

MarkTwain, my H is neither controlling nor a doormat. We're both stubborn, but both very consistently respectful of each other's feelings when we talk. There have been only a few occasions when we have slipped, and then we take responsibility for working on that.
 

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It’s ok, don’t feel guilty about that. Don’t blame your self.
Maybe you don’t love him? Maybe he is not a guy for you? Maybe you are not ready yet for marriage?

Do you think it’s possible that you married him because you get panicked about your age?
Just think what do you want?
 

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S,

Give him a no holds or request divorce. That is the least painful way.


You simply leave without strings or attachments.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you for your thoughts/opinions. It's painful, but helpful. I thought when we did our premarital counseling we learned to talk to each other about these issues, but I'm coming to realize that what we learned was to talk around issues and be very very nice to one another. Of course, that's not a bad thing, but I think what we didn't lear was how to incorporate the bad news into the "be kind to one another" mode of communication. I know that it's possible to do both.

Do you think I should seek counseling - separately? together? - first, before making a move?

I feel a bit like I'm in an arranged marriage, like I'm a stranger to myself and to him and he is equally a stranger to me.
 

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Hey go to counseling, there is no harm in trying.

But based on your posts seems marriage is prison to you.

There is 2 people becoming one, you cannot be a separate enity yet you must be happy.
 

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Do you *want* to be married to this guy? I assume you got married because you love him... If you do want to be with him, but not in the way things are now, then yes, I say give counseling a try. I think I'd start with individual, for yourself first. Does he still want to be married to you? If he does, then I think you might want to spend some time looking at what you want and what your expectations were for marriage. Maybe expectations and reality didn't line up. I say give counseling a shot and see where things lead.
 

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MarkTwain, my H is neither controlling nor a doormat. We're both stubborn, but both very consistently respectful of each other's feelings when we talk.
I'm surprised you said that.


I dislike having to account for myself and my spending. I dislike not having private space.
This seemed to hint at finding him controlling...

I must say, a man who is not incandescent after only six months of marriage and very little sex sounds like a doormat to me. I would not put up with that.

Why did you marry him?
 

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I read all the responses to you situation. I don't know how helpful I can be but I was in a similar situation many years ago.

I don't feel that getting married was the right choice. I feel that the two of you were comfortable with each other so comfortable that you may have mistaken it for intimacy. As my relationship progressed Mr. R became more of a best friend/roommate. I had the same problem with sex. We didn't vibe together that made it feel clumsy almost like your first time over and over again and not in a good way. :mad:

I know that splitting requires even much more work but like you said he kept the house know it's time for him to go back. I'm sure you too are thinking the same thing no one wants to be the first to say it. I'm thirty something and contemplating the big D and I'm okay with that. Be comfortable with yourself and know that there is someone out there that is perfect for us. If not well lets have fun finding out. :D
 

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Maybe you weren't ready for marriage. How long were you two together? Did you live together before actually getting married? Sometimes you dont find out who you are really marrying until you live with that person!
 

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Love or Infatuation?





“Infatuation is instant desire – one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.


Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine to closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you – to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation says, “We must get married right away. I can’t risk losing him.” Love says, “Be patient. Don’t panic. Plan your future with confidence.”

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together you hope it will end in intimacy. Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he’s away, you wonder if he is cheating. Sometimes you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. He feels your trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.”
 

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Question - What do you want out of this marriage? Do you want kids? Re: Sex - Do you enjoy sex or is the sex so lame you can't bother with it? Did you not have sex with him before you got married? To me it seems you would rather be single spending money where and whenever you want.

There are 3 things that are deal breakers when it comes to marriage

Sex , Money and Religion ....... These are the most important issues to figure pre-marriage....

"Marriage doesn't fail, people fail marriage"

You should be honest with him and tell him you really don't love him and are considering a divorce..... But have you really tried to to work on these issues or is it that you don't care too?

Unfortunately with marriage comes alot of compromise and work... I know that from my experience. My wife sounds like you a bit, besides the point of wanting a divorce...
 
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