[the guy]

Sometimes folks really don't have a choice to end there marriage....I mean some waywards are just so broken and screwed up a betrayed has to get out.

Some poeple just get a raw deal and we all know it takes two. Even in some case the infidelity is a deal breaker and theres nothing wrong with that either, especially when the betrayed was a desent spouse and the marriage is good.

I guess there is a degree of forgivness...in fact a degree of something being unfogiveable. I'm sure alot a women would have bailed if ther old man raised a hand to them just one time, just like cheating being also a deal breaker.

Simply, its just wrong to judge someone for the choices they make in leaving or staying with a wayward....there are just to many variables to take into acoount.


Again some betrayed just don't get the remorse that other betrayed get who are in a R. And I think it make the betrayed alot more jaded when there is no remorse. Hence some of the responses on this thread. But hay they have that right they got a faw deal.

Someone once said R is just as hard as D......

 

[Hope1964]

My primary concern with the post (And many others on the forum) is the negative impact it can have on a BS struggling with recovery. I needed a lot of positive attitude to get through mine and certainly didn't need the naysayers I encountered here and other places that tried to beat me down because they themselves couldn't ****ing hack it to do what was required to succeed.

This is also my concern with posts like the ones Sara posts here on a regular basis. Chris says, in his guidelines for the CWI forum, "Affairs are very destructive. But relationships can, and do recover from them. Be supportive of those choosing to make that effort." I find many of Sara's posts to be the opposite of supporting to those trying to recover. I asked Sara last week if she could quit posting stuff like that, and she refused to answer me and has continued to do so.

 

[underwater2010]

This is also my concern with posts like the ones Sara posts here on a regular basis. Chris says, in his guidelines for the CWI forum, "Affairs are very destructive. But relationships can, and do recover from them. Be supportive of those choosing to make that effort." I find many of Sara's posts to be the opposite of supporting to those trying to recover. I asked Sara last week if she could quit posting stuff like that, and she refused to answer me and has continued to do so.

I do have to say that Sara is telling her truth after trying to make her way through a false reconciliation. She may be a little jaded but she sure as the hell supports me in my reconciliation. She has never once told me I am a fool for trying. Just brought to my attention that even with a BS doing their work, things might not work out. Please do not give her to hard of a time.

 

[arbitrator]

As a trusting dupe, and after having been abandoned by STBXW, with virtually no communication from her; and after she had filed for divorce and then called me on a whim~ I proposed R to her which she "considered" for less than 12 hours. An email later she said "no" to my proposal.

At the advice of legal counsel, I investigated her cell phone records for a period of some 2 years hence and then found my answer as to why!

Two EA's and PA's with two different men from her past in two different locales, going on simultaneously; not only post-separation, but even while I was living and sleeping with her as husband and wife.

Five years from now, all that I really want her to be is just a bad memory!

 

[Hope1964]

I do have to say that Sara is telling her truth after trying to make her way through a false reconciliation. She may be a little jaded but she sure as the hell supports me in my reconciliation. She has never once told me I am a fool for trying. Just brought to my attention that even with a BS doing their work, things might not work out. Please do not give her to hard of a time.

We must be reading totally different posts then.

 

[Shocker]

Well I'm a year out and the pain is still fresh and powerful. I never even imaged I could feel this much pain from another person. Still have major trust issues and oh relationship is not good. We love each other so much now and have come a long way but I wonder if I am just not built to get over this. I am so weak and petty so if she did want someone else it would not surprise me.

I think of leaving her all the time but just can't. Really, its like a prison that I'm not sure I will ever get out of. Depressing as heck I know but here I am.

I would add that I love this woman so much I cannot believe it. Glunten for punishment I guess but this was my soul mate (maybe still is) so it hurts so bad my skin burns. ugg.

My self esteem took a gigantic hit from which I just not sure I'll come back from. I miss her horribly when she is away but the silence and disappointed looks I get from her just kill me when shes here. Its gut wrenching.

I've heard it feels like someone died but its worse because they die over and over every day. I feel alone, scared, rejected, like a loser and cannot pull myself up. 2nd marriage and got cheated on in the first one too but this one is 100 times worse.

 

[Amplexor]

It's my anniversary today and am just feeling a bit sad and thinking a lot.

How many of you that have been the victim of infidelity believe you will still be with your spouses 5 years from now (if you are really honest with yourselves)?

I'm finding it really difficult, some days are bad, some good. It's been 1.5 years now and I don't know if I can stay with someone who was so disrespectful to our lives together for the rest of my life.

Married 31 years.

As I stated, we are 5 years past D-Day. While I try to stay a positive influence on the forum I don't think I have ever sugar coated it that the marriage will ever be the same. It won't, but it can be better in many aspects. One of which is the respect that my wife and I developed for each other that built over the reconciliation period. Its a nebulous kind of thing to me and I would describe it as we walked away from each other into the abyss but came back from it together. We survived something many don't and we both have more faith the other's commitment to and respect for the marriage.

A year and a half is not enough time to put this behind you but from your statement I would ask this question. Have you forgiven him? Until you do you won't let it stay behind you, or at least to some acceptable level. Forgiveness is a huge step in the process.

 

[Torrivien]

Hi,
I saw many people posting: "If I were you, If that happened to me." You're not a role model and it didn't happen to you, so that's just your ego bragging.
If you didn't deal with an affair in your marriage, you can't even begin to conceive what it's like. It's not a competition, neither it is a muscle show.

I choose to divorce because that will make me sleep peacefully five years from now, Amplexor or Acabado chose reconciliation because their wives deserved a second chance. Individuals are different.
I am happy when I read this kind of stories because it shows that finding the right person exists, whether they strayed or they sticked to their morals and values.

 

[Mr Blunt]

Confused55

It's my anniversary today and am just feeling a bit sad and thinking a lot.

How many of you that have been the victim of infidelity believe you will still be with your spouses 5 years from now (if you are really honest with yourselves)?

I'm finding it really difficult, some days are bad, some good. It's been 1.5 years now and I don't know if I can stay with someone who was so disrespectful to our lives together for the rest of my life.

Married 31 years.

If you and your spouse take the right actions you can be with your spouse with a degree of contentment in 5-10-20 years from now.

If only one is working on it you probably will not last 5 years.

 

[Wazza]

If you and your spouse take the right actions you can be with your spouse with a degree of contentment in 5-10-20 years from now.

If only one is working on it you probably will not last 5 years.

Yep. 22 years out from her affair and counting, and the marriage is the best it's ever been but it was hard, very hard to get there. But worth it.

At 1.5 years out I was still in hell, and it still hurts sometimes.

But it only works if both are trying.

 

[Wazza]

I am not knocking on anyone that reconciled and was successful although I think it is weak on the BS part, but to each there own.

Not knocking you but I think your logic is weak.

Perhaps in there next relationship Wayward spouses will know better.

Yes, she did. Her next relationship was with the same husband as in her first relationship

 

[Shocker]

Taking a positive approach to this...her affair opened my eyes to a lot of sins on my part. Pride, Ego, selfishness and treating my wonderful wife like she was unimportant come to mind. Regardless I have to be a gentleman and treat her with respect. Those things should have been there all along. Not sure we are going to make it but I am a better person because of this without question.

 

[river rat]

When I was where you are, I did not believe that I would be there 5 yrs later. But here we are. She has changed a lot. We both understand much more about ourselves and each other. I think we'll be together until the end. Took a lot of work, and there's still some pain, but on balance, I'd say it has been worth it.

 

[RWB]

At 30 years married my annv. present was finding out my "loving" wife had been serially EAPA cheating on me for 6 years with old boy friends. With the level of betrayal, the lies upon lies, what was said and written, my IC, preacher, FIL, my family, and finally myself pretty much knew we were finished.

Well... 3+ years post dd we are still together, married, happy, living in the present.

How?

At lot of counseling, bare honesty, mercy... One thing for her that was paramount. She has told me that not unlike a drug addict she really had to step to the precipice of consequence for her actions.
I think a lot of R fail when the offender never is "allowed" to deal with the consequences of their betrayal. My wife was left alone except for the OM (serial cheater himself) who was the very reason she was in such pain.

Is the 800lb gorilla still in the corner of the room. You bet! I don't think he will ever depart completely, just getting a little thinner.

 

[confused55]

At 30 years married my annv. present was finding out my "loving" wife had been serially EAPA cheating on me for 6 years with old boy friends. With the level of betrayal, the lies upon lies, what was said and written, my IC, preacher, FIL, my family, and finally myself pretty much knew we were finished.

Well... 3+ years post dd we are still together, married, happy, living in the present.

How?

At lot of counseling, bare honesty, mercy... One thing for her that was paramount. She has told me that not unlike a drug addict she really had to step to the precipice of consequence for her actions.
I think a lot of R fail when the offender never is "allowed" to deal with the consequences of their betrayal. My wife was left alone except for the OM (serial cheater himself) who was the very reason she was in such pain.

Is the 800lb gorilla still in the corner of the room. You bet! I don't think he will ever depart completely, just getting a little thinner.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about being allowed to deal with the consequences of the betrayal.

I don't know if I can live with any kind of gorilla in the room, that's the problem. I didn't bring the gorilla into our lives and don't know if I want one in it at all.

 

[Wazza]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about being allowed to deal with the consequences of the betrayal.

I don't know if I can live with any kind of gorilla in the room, that's the problem. I didn't bring the gorilla into our lives and don't know if I want one in it at all.

But your only choice is what gorilla sits in the corner

The one with your wife
The one with the next partner who may also cheat
The one of being alone.

 

[Badblood]

You are aware that there are many successfully R'ing people in the CWI forum, right? And that you've basically just called us all weak, doormat losers with no self respect?

Perhaps it would be better if you just delete your post.

Hope, Samus' post may be simplistic and wrong-headed, but it IS his opinion, and as such, he has a right to express it.

 

[Hope1964]

Hope, Samus' post may be simplistic and wrong-headed, but it IS his opinion, and as such, he has a right to express it.

Course he does. So do I

 

[Badblood]

As one BS who did work his butt off to recover and for my FWW who did also, we can both honestly say we do have a stronger marriage after reconciliation. Trust will always have a asterisk next to it, I will grant you that but we also better know how to address issues in the marriage more quickly so we don't get to critical mass again. That is a result of not having blind trust.

Sorry your marriage went down the crapper but don'l lambaste the rest of us who have or are attempting reconciliation because of your failure to recover or apparent aversion to even try.

P.S. OP, my wife and I are 5+ years past D-Day!

Sorry, Amp, don't want any "asterisks", in my relationships. A repaired structure is NEVER as strong as the original.

 

[Wazza]

Sorry, Amp, don't want any "asterisks", in my relationships. A repaired structure is NEVER as strong as the original.

Not true.

The personal faults that introduced infidelity into our marriage were always there. Post affair we understand the risk a lot better and can guard against it.