Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 78 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
146 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
It's my anniversary today and am just feeling a bit sad and thinking a lot.

How many of you that have been the victim of infidelity believe you will still be with your spouses 5 years from now (if you are really honest with yourselves)?

I'm finding it really difficult, some days are bad, some good. It's been 1.5 years now and I don't know if I can stay with someone who was so disrespectful to our lives together for the rest of my life.

Married 31 years.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
119 Posts
I have been married for almost 6yrs now H cheated on our second year of marriage ,4 almost 5 years ago. It is difficult still to this day. Sometimes I feel like crap and stay mad at him. In all honestly though I can say I am positive I will be with him 5 years from now. I love him and even though we still have issues to work through I made a commitment and already forgave him. I don't think it would be right for me to say forgave him and take him back just to leave in the future.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Torrivien

·
Registered
Joined
·
138 Posts
My friend, I would never forgive my spouse if they committed adultery or cheated on me.

There is no 2nd chances in my book, but that is me and everyone is different. I can't live with the fact that my wife abandoned me to be with another man, if she can do that then she can do it again behind my back and figure out a way to be secretive again.

If a spouse cheats on there loved one, then they have no respect and I don't care how human you are, I have the right to not continue our marriage. People say there human, mistakes happen and see if you can continue or reconcile, I don't believe in reconciliation, but some people are built differently.

By leaving the cheater your giving them the hard meaning of what the consequences are for cheating. Reconciling with a cheater just empowers other cheaters to continue to do it because they know the possibility of reconciliation is there. I am not knocking on anyone that reconciled and was successful although I think it is weak on the BS part, but to each there own. I might get flamed for saying that, but its the truth, cheating is 100% no chances divorce. Some may say its the harder path to reconcile and the easy path to just leave. Yes it is harder to reconcile and perhaps the resentment will be strong for a while, but the bottomline, self respect of oneself is more important then reconciliation and having self respect in its own is a harder path. Look at it whichever way you think, but a cheating spouse doesn't deserve anything but hate, disgust and shame from the BS. Don't be a weak, doormat person, be strong, charismatic and powerful to control your own self worth and respect.

Perhaps in there next relationship Wayward spouses will know better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
Our old marriage is long gone, the new one we have is way better and it knowing that the new person I'm now with is healtier...emotionally speeaking.

Even though i have the same spouse, she and our marriage are different.

At the end of the day you have to look at the good thing that are to come with this same but different person.

I mean if your old man has made the changes and meeting your needs and is doing the heavy lifting to affair proof his marriage then you got your self a better stronger marriage....but if he is still the same old POS then it ain't worth it...cuz you girl, diserve good things!

I used to push my wife around and she slept around so this perspective is comeing from the guy with a very unhealthy 20 year marriage. I no longer hit my wife and she no longer sleeps around so as long as we now know each others capacity to screw up a good thing and have learned the tools to be better poeple as individuals, it seem to be working much better now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
644 Posts
I could not picture myself with my STBXWW 5 years in the future. That's why I chose to file for divorce. This is one of the questions I kept asking myself after the last D day. I needed to be able to make my decision based on looking into the future as well as considering her past behavior.

I knew that I would never get the truth from her...the whole, honest, truth. I couldn't live with that. I didn't think I could ever trust her again. There were many things about her that I discovered after marrying her that I didn't like...selfishness, entitlement, laziness, double standard, spending problems...to name a few. These things were tolerable when I thought she was faithful. But you through in cheating and it's just too much to live with. Lack of real remorse also factored strongly into my decision. I was not happy with our sex life for a couple years before her affair and she seemed unwilling to change that. I knew that I would never be satisfied with that part of our relationship after her cheating. I also feel that she is deeply flawed and cheating could very well happen again...with POSOM (lives only 4 miles away) or someone else.

In my mind, our marriage was no longer pure and innocent as it was before. There would forever be a black cloud overhead or an asterisk next to it. I wish my crystal ball would have showed me something different 5 years from now. I didn't want this divorce but I don't have a choice. The vision I am seeing would be filled with loneliness, regret as well as miserable and stressful. It's just not worth the risk for me to stay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
My friend, I would never forgive my spouse if they committed adultery or cheated on me.

There is no 2nd chances in my book, but that is me and everyone is different. I can't live with the fact that my wife abandoned me to be with another man, if she can do that then she can do it again behind my back and figure out a way to be secretive again.

If a spouse cheats on there loved one, then they have no respect and I don't care how human you are, I have the right to not continue our marriage. People say there human, mistakes happen and see if you can continue or reconcile, I don't believe in reconciliation, but some people are built differently.

By leaving the cheater your giving them the hard meaning of what the consequences are for cheating. Reconciling with a cheater just empowers other cheaters to continue to do it because they know the possibility of reconciliation is there. I am not knocking on anyone that reconciled and was successful although I think it is weak on the BS part, but to each there own. I might get flamed for saying that, but its the truth, cheating is 100% no chances divorce. Some may say its the harder path to reconcile and the easy path to just leave. Yes it is harder to reconcile and perhaps the resentment will be strong for a while, but the bottomline, self respect of oneself is more important then reconciliation and having self respect in its own is a harder path. Look at it whichever way you think, but a cheating spouse doesn't deserve anything but hate, disgust and shame from the BS. Don't be a weak, doormat person, be strong, charismatic and powerful to control your own self worth and respect.

Perhaps in there next relationship Wayward spouses will know better.
You are aware that there are many successfully R'ing people in the CWI forum, right? And that you've basically just called us all weak, doormat losers with no self respect?

Perhaps it would be better if you just delete your post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
It's my anniversary today and am just feeling a bit sad and thinking a lot.

How many of you that have been the victim of infidelity believe you will still be with your spouses 5 years from now (if you are really honest with yourselves)?

I'm finding it really difficult, some days are bad, some good. It's been 1.5 years now and I don't know if I can stay with someone who was so disrespectful to our lives together for the rest of my life.

Married 31 years.
I believe we will be, but my hubby is the exception to the rule - a truly remorseful wayward. If he wasn't, the answer would be HE!! no.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
I try to not think about the future too much. Concentrate (it's hard) to live in the present, knowing what I now know about my wife and her capabilities.

She is just not the self-improvement type of person, so I am aware that she may cheat again some day, or may just have another agenda for a time limited relationship (kids, finances or whatever).

So my choice is to accept that this is how she is, and I will enjoy being with her for as long as it may last - there will be no more R-rounds. Also knowing that I am free to go any time I might feel like it.

It sounds so cynical when I write this, but I actually think I have made huge progress since D-day 1½ year ago.

5 years? I have a hard time seeing us together for summer vacation next year - we need to book that now.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
It's my anniversary today and am just feeling a bit sad and thinking a lot.

How many of you that have been the victim of infidelity believe you will still be with your spouses 5 years from now (if you are really honest with yourselves)?

I'm finding it really difficult, some days are bad, some good. It's been 1.5 years now and I don't know if I can stay with someone who was so disrespectful to our lives together for the rest of my life.

Married 31 years.
That is why I filed for divorce after our an attempted false R.

If my STBEH had not been outed anonymously, I would never have known he was still talking with the OW and engaging in other disrespectful behaviors .

I was an idiot who believed our R was going well.

In any case, I could not see myself staying with my spouse forever.

So, I decided it was better to D sooner rather than later.

Why waste 5 more years of your life with someone who already deceived you and betrayed you in the worst possible way.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
My friend, I would never forgive my spouse if they committed adultery or cheated on me.

There is no 2nd chances in my book, but that is me and everyone is different. I can't live with the fact that my wife abandoned me to be with another man, if she can do that then she can do it again behind my back and figure out a way to be secretive again.

If a spouse cheats on there loved one, then they have no respect and I don't care how human you are, I have the right to not continue our marriage. People say there human, mistakes happen and see if you can continue or reconcile, I don't believe in reconciliation, but some people are built differently.

By leaving the cheater your giving them the hard meaning of what the consequences are for cheating. Reconciling with a cheater just empowers other cheaters to continue to do it because they know the possibility of reconciliation is there. I am not knocking on anyone that reconciled and was successful although I think it is weak on the BS part, but to each there own. I might get flamed for saying that, but its the truth, cheating is 100% no chances divorce. Some may say its the harder path to reconcile and the easy path to just leave. Yes it is harder to reconcile and perhaps the resentment will be strong for a while, but the bottomline, self respect of oneself is more important then reconciliation and having self respect in its own is a harder path. Look at it whichever way you think, but a cheating spouse doesn't deserve anything but hate, disgust and shame from the BS. Don't be a weak, doormat person, be strong, charismatic and powerful to control your own self worth and respect.

Perhaps in there next relationship Wayward spouses will know better.
I agree with all you said.

A majority a religions consider a marriage nulled after cheating, and the hurt spouse is no longer obligated, nor advised, to honor any marriage vows, once a cheater has already broken those vows.

I also agree that people who reconcile are contributing to the rise in cheating.
My STBEH actually said to me that other wives forgive their husbands, I thought you would, too.

Well I did forgive him, but I no longer trust him and their is no real comfort in a marriage without trust, so why stay married.

There are too many phony self-proclaimed gurus on the internet too, who claim a marriage can be better after cheating.

That statement is ludicrous.

A marriage may survive a betrayal such as cheating, but it will NEVER improve the marriage, particularly not for the hurt spouse.

It's like the humpty dumpty song says.

Humpty dumpty fell off the wall
Humpty dumpty took a great fall,

All the kings horses and all the kings men
Could never put humpty back together again.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
discovered after marrying her that I didn't like...selfishness, entitlement, laziness, double standard, spending problems...to name a few. These things were tolerable when I thought she was faithful. But you through in cheating and it's just too much to live with.
Same in my situation.

I tolerated all those things for years because I trusted that my husband was the faithful sort.

When a counselor pointed out to me that my STBEH was actually selfish in many of his behaviors throughout the marriage, I cried in relief.

My spouse was also a pedantic sort that insisted on deflecting from the real issues by focusing on spelling or speech errors during arguments.

A counselor alos pointed out how pointless and non-relevant being pedantic was.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,626 Posts
I agree with all you said.

A majority a religions consider a marriage nulled after cheating, and the hurt spouse is no longer obligated, nor advised, to honor any marriage vows, once a cheater has already broken those vows.

I also agree that people who reconcile are contributing to the rise in cheating.
My STBEH actually said to me that other wives forgive their husbands, I thought you would, too.

Well I did forgive him, but I no longer trust him and their is no real comfort in a marriage without trust, so why stay married.

There are too many phony self-proclaimed gurus on the internet too, who claim a marriage can be better after cheating.

That statement is ludicrous.

A marriage may survive a betrayal such as cheating, but it will NEVER improve the marriage, particularly not for the hurt spouse.

It's like the humpty dumpty song says.

Humpty dumpty fell off the wall
Humpty dumpty took a great fall,

All the kings horses and all the kings men
Could never put humpty back together again.
As one BS who did work his butt off to recover and for my FWW who did also, we can both honestly say we do have a stronger marriage after reconciliation. Trust will always have a asterisk next to it, I will grant you that but we also better know how to address issues in the marriage more quickly so we don't get to critical mass again. That is a result of not having blind trust.

Sorry your marriage went down the crapper but don'l lambaste the rest of us who have or are attempting reconciliation because of your failure to recover or apparent aversion to even try.

P.S. OP, my wife and I are 5+ years past D-Day!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
As one BS who did work his butt off to recover and for my FWW who did also, we can both honestly say we do have a stronger marriage after reconciliation. Trust will always have a asterisk next to it, I will grant you that but we also better know how to address issues in the marriage more quickly so we don't get to critical mass again. That is a result of not having blind trust.

Sorry your marriage went down the crapper but don'l lambaste the rest of us who have or are attempting reconciliation because of your failure to recover or apparent aversion to even try.

P.S. OP, my wife and I are 5+ years past D-Day!
Hi Amplexor:

I am glad you are one who survived, and I appreciate that you noted that trust will always be an asterisk. That is my major and only point.

As for trying. If you read my posts, you will note that I did try to reconcile for almost a year.

Went to counciling, made changes to please my spouse.

Alas, cheating spouse fooled both me and the counselors. They all thought as did I, that the reconciliation was going well.

Unfortunately, whoever originally outed my spouse, gathered more photos and details and outed him again.

Sorry, I did try.

My mistake was I had the audacity to not continue to check up on him.

I don't want to continue to play cop to my spouse. It's not in my nature to snoop, so I filed.

A marriage in which trust is always questionable is a tough row to hoe
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
I can see us together 5 yrs from now, as long as we maintain open communication and he does not have an affair again. We have learned a lot about each other through reconciliation. I have learned a lot about myself, which surprised the crap out of me. We will be married 14 yrs in December.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
644 Posts
As one BS who did work his butt off to recover and for my FWW who did also, we can both honestly say we do have a stronger marriage after reconciliation. Trust will always have a asterisk next to it, I will grant you that but we also better know how to address issues in the marriage more quickly so we don't get to critical mass again. That is a result of not having blind trust.

Sorry your marriage went down the crapper but don'l lambaste the rest of us who have or are attempting reconciliation because of your failure to recover or apparent aversion to even try.

P.S. OP, my wife and I are 5+ years past D-Day!
Amplexor, I don't think Sara is lambasting anyone. She sounds like she is just stating her opinion as it relates to her situation and experience.

I have nothing against R and I don't think Sara does either. In fact, I wish I could have R'd with my STBXW. I did try for over a year...she did not.

I do agree with Sara on this point. Based on my personal experience, in my situation, with my STBXW's cheating and her personality flaws, to pursue it any further was a waste of time. I honestly don't think our marriage could ever have ended up better. I didn't even feel our marriage could be good again...the scars would always be there as a reminder of what she did...if I forgave her or not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
My friend, I would never forgive my spouse if they committed adultery or cheated on me.

There is no 2nd chances in my book, but that is me and everyone is different. I can't live with the fact that my wife abandoned me to be with another man, if she can do that then she can do it again behind my back and figure out a way to be secretive again.

If a spouse cheats on there loved one, then they have no respect and I don't care how human you are, I have the right to not continue our marriage. People say there human, mistakes happen and see if you can continue or reconcile, I don't believe in reconciliation, but some people are built differently.

By leaving the cheater your giving them the hard meaning of what the consequences are for cheating. Reconciling with a cheater just empowers other cheaters to continue to do it because they know the possibility of reconciliation is there. I am not knocking on anyone that reconciled and was successful although I think it is weak on the BS part, but to each there own. I might get flamed for saying that, but its the truth, cheating is 100% no chances divorce. Some may say its the harder path to reconcile and the easy path to just leave. Yes it is harder to reconcile and perhaps the resentment will be strong for a while, but the bottomline, self respect of oneself is more important then reconciliation and having self respect in its own is a harder path. Look at it whichever way you think, but a cheating spouse doesn't deserve anything but hate, disgust and shame from the BS. Don't be a weak, doormat person, be strong, charismatic and powerful to control your own self worth and respect.

Perhaps in there next relationship Wayward spouses will know better.
I do not consider myself weak for staying. I have allowed him a second chance. This is it. I have given him a gift and now he can chose to accept it or throw it away.

And I am NOT empowering him to continue. I have been very clear with him. If he ever does it again or anything that resembles trying I am gone and he will have to explain to our three kids why he did it. He realizes how serious I am. Found out that he really thought I was leaving when I found out. He was in tears with his cousin over it.

I think you need to realize that not every man cheats more than once.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,626 Posts
Sorry, I did try.
My apologies then and I commend you for your efforts. My primary concern with the post (And many others on the forum) is the negative impact it can have on a BS struggling with recovery. I needed a lot of positive attitude to get through mine and certainly didn't need the naysayers I encountered here and other places that tried to beat me down because they themselves couldn't ****ing hack it to do what was required to succeed. There are a couple of ways a BH can "man up". One is to stand up to a cheating spouse and demand honesty, effort and commitment. The other is to face his own demons, inadequacies and faults, address them be become a better person for it. In my case it was a hybrid.

Again I commend you for your efforts and my post is general in nature.
 
  • Like
Reactions: naga75 and Wazza

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
Our old marriage is long gone, the new one we have is way better and it knowing that the new person I'm now with is healtier...emotionally speeaking.

Even though i have the same spouse, she and our marriage are different.

At the end of the day you have to look at the good thing that are to come with this same but different person.

I mean if your old man has made the changes and meeting your needs and is doing the heavy lifting to affair proof his marriage then you got your self a better stronger marriage....but if he is still the same old POS then it ain't worth it...cuz you girl, diserve good things!

I used to push my wife around and she slept around so this perspective is comeing from the guy with a very unhealthy 20 year marriage. I no longer hit my wife and she no longer sleeps around so as long as we now know each others capacity to screw up a good thing and have learned the tools to be better poeple as individuals, it seem to be working much better now.
Totally agree!
My WH and I will be together in another 5 years for sure.
As above, our old marriage is dead and we are well on the way to a successful R.
Our marriage is better 'despite' his A not 'because' of it.
I love my H dearly. 'For better for worse' we have definitely been through the worse and I'm so glad I didn't chose to end the marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 20 of 78 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top