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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
He is my live in partner for 5 years and we live in his mom's house. He is now 37 and I am 30 yrs old. Before I met him, he was a bum with 2 kids and a wife working as a sales lady at the mall. His wife left him with another man and took their 2nd child. She never came back and never heard from her again like 5 years or so ago. Their 1st child lives with us, but under the care of his mom. My bf is an artist and somewhat famous in some part of our country. We share the same kind of interest in arts so we became friends after 3 months when his wife left him (not legally divorced because he has no money). He courted me until he convinced me to live with him. He is a very jolly person. He treated me like a princess and it was the first time that I really felt that I was really loved by a guy. He always makes me laugh and my family begun to like him as well because he always makes our house happy like everything is fine. I was also loved by his parents and his 1st child. He thought me many things about his craft and molded me to build a name. Because of his social media connections, I became popular and was posted on some local magazines and in the art industry in our country. I owe everything that I learned because of him. We started working as partners. I also started to have a lot suitors so he felt insecure about it but I told him that I am faithful and I don't have interest on other guys anymore. For the record, we are not earning from this kind of art, we do it for free and for passion. He is an undergraduate student from high school due to attitude problem and drugs.

My plan was to change him since I am now his girlfriend. I send him to a vocational school at my expense, I gave him everything he wants from personal hygiene to his fine clothes and shoes like I shared all the blessings I have with him. My monthly salary is big enough for me so we just spent it most of the time together. He had changed from being a bum because he promised to be a good man and stop smoking MJ. Finally he finished the short course and he worked for a year as a trainee. I admit that I've changed by not showing to much affection. it was like living in a house with a younger brother who needs my supervision in almost everything he needs to do. I somehow got tired. I was also busy with my job and I told him that if he will not get a regular job,we will not make love. That was over a year ago that I don’t like making love with him because I want him to strive harder to get a job. We cheated on that agreement like 10 times but I lose the affection of kissing him and the intimacy in bed. A month ago, I accidentally open and read the messages in his Facebook and saw him flirting with almost all the girls in his inbox. He admitted that he had an affair with one of them because he was drunk and that was a year ago. I asked him how many times and he told me, just twice. It really broke my heart and I cried a lot. He went out to drink with his friends and smoke MJ, he went back to our room and blamed me for my attitude by not being intimate in bed. He said that was the reason why he did it. I felt guilty and forgive him. He also promised that it will never happen again and he will stop flirting with other girls. I now have access to his Facebook and his phone and I became a CIA that I don’t want to be. I still have doubts and sleepless nights after I learned about it but I am holding on to his promise that it will never happen again and no more lies, like they only did it twice, she was the only other girl and no more MJ. I dealt with it and gave him what he wants. We started all over again in bed like new partners just to make him happy, I also changed from being cold to a more caring girlfriend. The bad news is he did not get regularized in his job because he had a fight with his boss. He is still now looking for a job.

Last week, I was playing with his friends Iphone and once again, I accidentally caught a flirt text message: "Sweetheart, I miss you and I want to see you". I figured that it was him because he put his name at the end of the message. I confronted him again, he said that it was a guy that he and his friend were bullying. I called the number to see if it's really a guy but the person kept on rejecting my calls. He promised again that it was just a man and I should not worry about it but I am still not convinced. I send a crazy text message to that phone number and suddenly a message appeared before mine since I am always lazy deleting old messages. He used the phone number just a month ago to message me when he was still on training. It says:"1AM - I cannot go home early because I have a lot of things to do at work. Don't wait for me and eat dinner."

I knew he was with another new girl at that time. It broke my heart so bad, I took the battery out of my laptop and hit him very hard in his shoulder. He told me, " You know why I did that that, right? It was because you were so cold to me and never kissed me anymore!" I slapped and punched him til I bruised both of my hands. I told him that he is such a pig, and a cheater. He played with my feelings and I feel very dirty. He left me crying my eyes out and walk out of the room. After an hour he went back and I already packed some of my things so I can move out. He told me he is so sorry and he loves me very very much. Apart of me is saying to hold on and forgive him, but thinking about how liar he is, I already want to move out from their house. I informed his mom about it and she is supportive with my plans. She just asked me to tell my bf before I leave that he needs to prove himself to me if he really loves me. I guess she wants me to say that so his son will not go back to his old life - jobless and Smokes MJ.

I talked to him an hour ago and I said that I will be leaving in a week. I just need to fix my things and settle some of my bills before I can get a new place. I told him that I cannot stand the lies anymore. I asked him to tell me everything. He said that girl was someone that he met in a party over a year ago. He confessed that they had sex several times. The girl was already married and she is now pregnant for 5 months by his husband. That he just sent her a message because he just want to say hi and he was just used to call her sweetheart but it means nothing. I don't know what to think of right now. He is telling me that he only had 2 other girls but I don't know if I still want to believe. It reminds me of the time when he message me to eat my dinner and don't wait for him because he is currently having sex with the 2nd girl. I need your help guys. I don't want to tell my mom about it and worry about me. I also don't want to tell my close colleagues to avoid gossip in my work place. He is my only best friend and I he is with me everywhere I go. Being single scares me a bit and I love him so much. He is still begging me to stay with him but I am decided to give him a lesson. Part of me says I should stay... Please help me... It has absolutely destroyed me. It kills me that the one person in the whole world that I trusted with my life could be the one person that has caused me the most pain I have ever experienced.
 

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Mozzery,

I hate to say this. Your boyfriend wasn't a bum before he met you. He is a bum. He is 37 still living with his mom. He is Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. His mom has enabled his bad behavior. You are enabling his bad behavior.

Please understand, you cannot change someone no matter how hard you try. They have to change themselves and it has to come from within. That is a common trap people fall into.

Stand up to him, look at the 180 and prepare for separation. IT is not your fault. You have to realize he will drag everyone down. He is an adult male. He is not a man.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks Chapparal and MovingAhead, I really cried when I read your comments. The truth hurts. Thanks for the encouragement. I will move to an apartment once I settle my bills in less than a week. I am also starting to feel insecure about myself that I never felt before but you guys are giving me strength. I hope I can move on soon enough.
 

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Stop hitting him. Would you like to be beaten?

With that said, leave this loser. Momma will take care of him. Good luck.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@Thoreau: Thanks for the advise. I just hope that he will be better than worst when I leave. You guys are correct. He is a spoiled brat who did not grow up.
 

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Not married.

No child by him.

He can't hold down a job.

You're living as his controlling abusive mom.

He cheats at every opportunity.

Seriously. You need to call it quits. There is nothing here to salvage.
 

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There are things about your life with this man that have been good for you & now there are many, many things about it that are very bad for you. Whatever good qualities he may have, his 'bum' qualities now clearly outweigh.

He sounds lazy, immature, and too comfortable with the women in his life providing for him. And now he sneaks around and lies to you about his betrayals of your trust. The whole story reminds me of some of the boys I knew in high school who cheated on their long-term girlfriends and then lied. And then add in the bizarre touch of 'bullying' and you've got high school writ large.

He's entitled and immature and you can't trust him. For me, this would tip the scales.

You're not married. You can move on.
 

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Tell the OW's husband so he knows about his wife. Suggest he DNA test the baby when its born. It could be your bf's kid.
 

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It is time to go. This man is clearly no good. However, you need to examine your own actions here.

Why did you choose to attache yourself to this man and why did you stay when it was clear he was not moving forward?

You can't change another person. Only they can change themselves.

Where did you get the idea that withholding affection and sex was approporiate behavior in a committed relationship? I wouldn't have cheated on you; but, I would have sent you packing. If you want to kill any future relationships, keep that strategy.
 

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Drop him. He won't grow up. Ever.

Now, for future relationships, own your stuff, change it:
- Don't hit anyone.
- Don't use sex as a controling tool.
 

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Consider yourself lucky & get out! When I met my stbxh he had similarities to your boyfriend. He bettered himself with my help & his family welcomed me with open arms because of how good I was for him. As much as I tried to fix him once one thing was fixed another problem came up & cheating was definitely my deal breaker.

My suggestion is you need to tell people immediately. Had I not told my family & friends the moment I found things out about his A I probably would have not had the strength to follow through with my D. I know it's scary to imagine being single again but what helped me was when I confided in my sister my fear of being alone & she said "don't you realize you're already alone? & if you stay & this happens again you'll always wonder if you could have been happy while you were younger with someone who deserved you".

Be thankful that his true colors came out in 5 years & find someone who deserves you. Good luck!
 

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Let me get this straight:

  • He’s 37 and still lives with his mom.
  • His mom is raising his first son.
  • He’s not divorced.
  • He’s a high school drop-out
  • He has or had a drug problem
  • He lives off and spends your monthly salary.
  • He won’t get a regular job.
  • He’s flirting on Facebook.
  • He had a physical affair with at least one of them.
  • He got fired from the job he did have.
  • He cheated again and blamed you for it.
  • Although he says it’s her husband’s OW’s baby might be his.

And you think he can change for the better?

My plan was to change him since I am now his girlfriend.
You can’t change a man and men aren’t projects that you can fix.

He had changed from being a bum because he promised to be a good man and stop smoking MJ.
No he didn’t – you just dressed him in nicer clothes. There's a saying that if you put lipstick on a pig and it’s still a pig. Finishing a training program (at your expense) means nothing if he doesn’t put those new-found skills to use and earn an income.

I admit that I've changed by not showing to much affection. it was like living in a house with a younger brother who needs my supervision in almost everything he needs to do.
Of course it did. You have a parent-child relationship with him. It’s a total libido killer to have a son for a boyfriend and not a man.

I took the battery out of my laptop and hit him very hard in his shoulder. ... I slapped and punched him til I bruised both of my hands.
Look, most of us have dealt with the devastation of being cheated on. However, it’s NEVER okay to get physical. I don’t care how much of a pig (and sorry but he is a pig) your boyfriend is. If men can’t hit women, we shouldn't hit men.

He told me he is so sorry and he loves me very very much. Apart of me is saying to hold on and forgive him, but thinking about how liar he is, I already want to move out from their house.
He doesn’t sound like he knows what love is.

This man is a user. He is used to having women coddle and take care of him. His mom did not do him any favours because he is still not grown up. If he was, he wouldn’t be living in mommy’s house and he would be solely responsible for the care/upbringing of his first child. He is also more than happy to sit at home to be taken care of by you financially.

The man is nearly 40 and is who he is. He didn’t change because of the things he said, he didn’t change because you buy him fine clothes, he’s no better off in life having finished the vocational training that you paid for because he hasn’t gotten a job. He is a loser, a cheat and a user.

Be thankful that you aren’t married and don’t have your own biological children with this man. It will hurt to break up no doubt but it will hurt you more to stay in the long run. If you stay, the twelve bullet points above are what you have to look forward to for the remainder of your relationship.

The longer you’re with someone, the harder it is to walk away but five years on a bad investment is no reason to stay. The longer you wait, the more you’ll lose. He has very little redeeming qualities: funny (so are comedy movies), goes with you wherever you go (so would a dog), somewhat famous (well whoopie dee doo he's a tiny bit famous and a lot of broke). I'm sorry for not being more optimistic here but come on...

You're 30, probably attractive and sound like you have a good job. You can do so much better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
This morning when I woke up, I was thinking that I will just give myself a break and will still be with him if he really changed like after 6 months or so. Now, I couldn't agree more with your opinions. I am now starting to think that giving him a second chance is not the answer and yes I will never hit him or anyone again.

I will print all your comments and read it over and over again whenever I feel desperate in my new place. I just can't help crying sometimes but probably it is normal because I invested my love, most of my money and my dreams with this person. It also came to me that he is going to be a father of the OW's child, Another reason that I should not look back. I really appreciate your opinions here. It's like having a lot of people on my side while walking out from their house. Thanks a lot for the encouragements. Perhaps I can sleep a bit better tonight.
 

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I just can't help crying sometimes but probably it is normal because I invested my love, most of my money and my dreams with this person. It also came to me that he is going to be a father of the OW's child, Another reason that I should not look back. I really appreciate your opinions here. It's like having a lot of people on my side while walking out from their house. Thanks a lot for the encouragements. Perhaps I can sleep a bit better tonight.
I can empathize with that. Break-ups/divorces are very hard. Being cheated on is horrible too - all of those things are kind of like a death because there is a grieving process to go through.

It is okay to be sad and go through the grieving process. I can also relate to grieving the loss of dreams, someone's "potential", memories, time spent together, future hopes etc. etc. It is normal and it is hard but I hate to say that it sounds like you were wasting your life on this man. As much as you want him to be different, he is who he is. Actions in the end always trump words. All of the sweet talk and empty promises don't change what is.

It is cliche and sounds cold to say when you're in the thick of things but this too shall pass. Luckily we all have an intrinsic ability to get over things and move on. You're still young and have a lot going for you. I do think you can do better from the sounds of it and you deserve it.
 
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