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Why didn't i divorce him sooner? I found out and filed within a month after i had done my due diligence, research, notes, documentation...............
Ok. So you knew you would be divorced. Why didn’t you at the VERY least wait until your divorce was final - to start seeing anyone?
 

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Discussion Starter · #82 ·
How will you explain to your kids that you are a home wrecker?
Interesting. please take this the right way - i'm not saying i'm not wrong..but let me pose this and then i'll answer the question. Why is it always 'the other woman' who is the homewrecker? Why isn't the wife who has disrespected him, alientated affection from him, verbally abused her spouse and children the homewrecker. Yes, i understand - vows and he coujld have left... but honestly, if anyone wrecked a home... i'm not the one who did that. She drove that car into the ditch herself.

Now...How will i explain that to the kids? Interestingly enough -kids on his side and kids on my side have said SO many times..in effect... why dont you guys just get married? More times than i can count. Again, saying that is much different than the situation, i understand that. But believe me when i tell you - i don't see these kids having an issue. I don't want them to find out the details of course and that's my mess to clean up but i don't think these kids would be shocked and i dont think they'd be upset. If you only knew the relationships, you'd understand why i can say that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #83 ·
Not trying to pile on, just a different pov. Here's one conversation you probably did not have. Guessing you are at least in your 40s and so is your guy. If he has done well for himself financially and has taken care of himself physically he will have access to women 20yrs younger than you. Women who don't have any connections to his old life. Women that won't bring a ton of questions as to how they got together. Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage? I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he gets with someone else, that makes it a whole lot easier for him with his kids, friends, family, etc...

You might be the most positive thing in his life right now but once he gets divorced you're just part of his past. You're the slice of bacon on a crap sandwich. Sometimes when people split they want to leave that old life behind........all of it. The good, bad and the ugly.
We are in our 50s. He has not done well for himself financially, he is secure, has a nice home but paycheck to paycheck, has retirement but does not come from money and does struggle to make ends meet sometimes. - he is in civil service and a trade. he's also a veteran. Take care of himself physically? Well, his job is a workout but he's not the 6 pack, in shape guy at all. Dad bod.
I'm not competitive - at all.
I understand what you are saying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
Ok. So you knew you would be divorced. Why didn’t you at the VERY least wait until your divorce was final - to start seeing anyone?
This was 100% not planned, not on my radar, not anything i ever anticipated, expected.
Have we flirted for years just in a playful way? Yes. But never, ever did i expect this at all from him, not one little bit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
The reality of your situation explained in this particular response is accurate.

Certainly you can choose to ignore it or believe you are that rare exception that exists. Likely you will be very disappointed.
You could be right. You may not be. Trying to figure my life out and take the reigns.
 

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I'm sure the thought of moving forward without him or anyone is probably very frightening. He probably feels the same way. I'm sure you two are very comforting for each other. It's a relationship of convenience right now. If you do proceed at least do so with your eyes wide open.
 

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This was 100% not planned, not on my radar, not anything i ever anticipated, expected.
Have we flirted for years just in a playful way? Yes. But never, ever did i expect this at all from him, not one little bit.
If he is so terribly unhappy and wants to be free to date you, there is nothing at all to stop him ending his marriage. I don't know why people think that it will suddenly make it easier on their children if they are 18 and not 16, it makes no difference. All you need to do is to say once we are both single then maybe we can see how things go. Then the ball is in his court. Right now he isn't free to be with you or flirt with you.
 

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Not trying to pile on, just a different pov. Here's one conversation you probably did not have. Guessing you are at least in your 40s and so is your guy. If he has done well for himself financially and has taken care of himself physically he will have access to women 20yrs younger than you. Women who don't have any connections to his old life. Women that won't bring a ton of questions as to how they got together. Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage? I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he gets with someone else, that makes it a whole lot easier for him with his kids, friends, family, etc...

You might be the most positive thing in his life right now but once he gets divorced you're just part of his past. You're the slice of bacon on a crap sandwich. Sometimes when people split they want to leave that old life behind........all of it. The good, bad and the ugly.
I always think it's amusing that some men seem to think that if they become divorced in their 40's or 50's they will have a queue of 20 something year old women wanting them. Unless you are mega rich and are happy to date women who just want to spend your money it just simply isn't true.
 

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Why don’t you not date him or see him (except under business circumstances) until BOTH of you are divorced?

At least you would be staying away from a married man until he actually gets his divorce finalized.
 

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Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage?
My husband tells me that his just a friend ex had a lot of baggage and she's 21 years younger than I am.
 

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If he is so terribly unhappy and wants to be free to date you, there is nothing at all to stop him ending his marriage. I don't know why people think that it will suddenly make it easier on their children if they are 18 and not 16, it makes no difference. All you need to do is to say once we are both single then maybe we can see how things go. Then the ball is in his court. Right now he isn't free to be with you or flirt with you.
Totally agree that your kid being 16 or 18 makes no difference. Even adult children are adversely effected by their parents divorcing.
 

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I always think it's amusing that some men seem to think that if they become divorced in their 40's or 50's they will have a queue of 20 something year old women wanting them. Unless you are mega rich and are happy to date women who just want to spend your money it just simply isn't true.
I think those who read about “game” take the theories way to far. While there no doubt that the OP’s boyfriend will most likely land a slightly younger, more attractive woman than his wife or OP, he’s not going to be bedding women in their 20s.

Youth is not the only thing that makes a woman attractive to a man in his 50s. I’m 56 and see some women who are my age and even slightly older who look very attractive.

I do notice that most of the guys that I know in real life who ended up divorced from wives that were all about 2 to 3 younger than them, ended up remarrying women that are about 7 to 10 years younger than their ex. Not exactly a 20 something but what man in his mid 40s to mid 50s wants to be with someone that young? I know I wouldn’t.
 

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I have tried to follow your thread and by way of recap this is what I understood:

You met your husband when you worked for him as his assistant.
He helped you then start a business (of which you own 51%) and the two of you had kids together and got married.
Your business partner is your best friend and now your lover.
You did not have any attraction to your husband but did have it toward your married business partner and as soon as he heard you are moving out of your house he made his move and you responded.
He (and you) have villified his wife and you do not see yourself as the other woman breaking up this marriage but rather see her as the bad person here because she doesn't treat this [email protected] well.
The reason for leaving your husband (who you were never attracted to and who helped you start your business) is because he is a gambler and his gambling debts put you at financial risk.
You got your kids involved in this and backing your infidelity.
You came here for advice on how to get the POS boyfriend to leave his wife and for support from the ladies that you are morally right.

I think the advice given here has been sound. You have cheated on your family and have used typical cheater speak to justify the infidelity. I am not saying you should have stayed with your husband. What I am saying is that you should not have married him or even had children with him for the wrong reasons! Also you should not have started up with this cheating lowlife while still married.

The chances are he will face a lot of financial stress if he tries to divorce (he lives from paycheck to paycheck you told us) and if he goes through that, will probably look for fresh younger women once he is free. He will always see you as a cheater. I know that you say that you discussed all this with him but that is worth the value of the paper it is written on! Its his actions that matter.

You need to start doing the right things going forward. Treat this divorce seriously and fairly. Drop the POS as a boyfriend (crush or no crush). And do not try to justify your affair to anybody (including your kids). You can justify your divorce but not the affair.
 
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I was married for 24 years - i don't have the stuff to be in long lasting relationships? Untrue. I would have remained married for another 20 years if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train.
Prior to being married, i only had 1 other serious relationship that lasted 10 years..so...
What situation was that, that you had the hots for someone else?
 

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You will never satisfy posters on TAM... until you divorce from your husband and your man divorces from his wife... ;)
Because it is the right bloody thing to do. it is not about satisfying anyone, people satisfy themselves but the reality is, you had a **** marriage and your family is broken up why go and dabble in someone else's marriage. You are starved for love, attention, affection, I get it, you and OM get on etc but you need to go off and heal yourself. Get some therapy to find out why you would stay in what you claim is a loveless, affection starved marriage for 24 years. if you get the help you need, OM may not seem so attractive after-all.
 

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Nope..he definitely does not avoid conflict. Not at all. You can only take part in conflict for so long until your partner decides that is all she wants to do is yell instead of have a conversation. There comes a point where you've offered counceling, sitting and talking with an adult conversation and been turned down for all of that and then at that point, just walking away when the screaming starts until and unless she can have a calm, mature conversation - which is never.
Nope..he definitely does not avoid conflict. Not at all. You can only take part in conflict for so long until your partner decides that is all she wants to do is yell instead of have a conversation. There comes a point where you've offered counceling, sitting and talking with an adult conversation and been turned down for all of that and then at that point, just walking away when the screaming starts until and unless she can have a calm, mature conversation - which is never.
And most of what you know is coming from the mouth of a cheater, you are really deluding yourself. As I said earlier, get some therapy and understand yourself first and why you would live a lie for 24 years and now that you are free go after a married man. Ask yourself that question. Their marriage is absolutely none of your business. Their relationship may well be a mess because of your intrusion.
 
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