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Also, He 'hit on me' a year after my marriage fell apart. actually 15 months later. Not that the amount of time out of my marriage means anything - but thought it was noteworthy.
But he is still very much married so what does that say about him? He isnt free to be with another woman until he ends his marriage.
 

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@onmyownwith3girls having read the responses so far, how are you feeling about the views offered and in relation to your own?
 

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If he was so unhappy why didn’t he divorce her? Instead he had an affair.

The guy has no morals. He will cheat on you if you stay with him.
 

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The core character traits of a person tend to remain stable over a lifetime. This doesn’t mean we classify someone or label as a cheater. Just that he could be someone who avoids taking tough decisions. Or he has problems setting boundaries.

ultimately, this will remain a part of his core temperament for years to come. It rarely changes and if it ever does, only with lots of introspective therapeutic work. Some day, these very traits might haunt your relationship with him too.

I’m not saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” or something cliched like that.
What I’m saying is, you should be concerned about his lack of decisiveness and boundaries. Once the marriage is out of the way and you become the main partner, he might resort to similar practices with you.
Both of you need to separately work on your own issues first and then see if you can find a way to make it work outside of your marriages, once they end.
 

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Discussion Starter · #67 ·
Nope..he definitely does not avoid conflict. Not at all. You can only take part in conflict for so long until your partner decides that is all she wants to do is yell instead of have a conversation. There comes a point where you've offered counceling, sitting and talking with an adult conversation and been turned down for all of that and then at that point, just walking away when the screaming starts until and unless she can have a calm, mature conversation - which is never.
 

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When i said if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train. I was referring to the situation that occurred to make me end my marriage. Not him hitting on me.
Hey, don’t drop that nugget and leave us hanging. What did the father of your children and husband of 24 years do that was so bad? Maybe if we understood that part of the story you wouldn’t get as many 2x4s.

I say maybe because you’re still chasing after another woman’s husband, which is pretty skeez, if you ask me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #70 ·
Hey, don’t drop that nugget and leave us hanging. What did the father of your children and husband of 24 years do that was so bad? Maybe if we understood that part of the story you wouldn’t get as many 2x4s.

I say maybe because you’re still chasing after another woman’s husband, which is pretty skeez, if you ask me.
If you must know, he had a gambling problem, spent over 400K from our retirement account, drained our bank accounts, put the house in foreclosure - which i was able to save. So ... there you go.
 

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I'm not going to judge you. I will just answer the question you posted for the guys.

Yes you are wasting your time. Not saying he doesn't like you or even have feelings for you but you were convenient. You were there, you were safe. Having business together gave you a reason to spend time together. As a married man he couldn't openly go out and look for other women even if he wanted to. You were the easiest and most comfortable option. Once he's single he's going to have a ton of options. New options, he's had you, no offense. Some of those options will be much younger and won't have kids. Besides, even as a cheater he knows that he can't trust a cheater. You probably know that too.

I know what you're thinking, I know him, we're best friends. Yes honey, you are best friends until a younger, hotter, "best friend" comes into the picture.
 

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Discussion Starter · #72 ·
I'm not going to judge you. I will just answer the question you posted for the guys.

Yes you are wasting your time. Not saying he doesn't like you or even have feelings for you but you were convenient. You were there, you were safe. Having business together gave you a reason to spend time together. As a married man he couldn't openly go out and look for other women even if he wanted to. You were the easiest and most comfortable option. Once he's single he's going to have a ton of options. New options, he's had you, no offense. Some of those options will be much younger and won't have kids. Besides, even as a cheater he knows that he can't trust a cheater. You probably know that too.

I know what you're thinking, I know him, we're best friends. Yes honey, you are best friends until a younger, hotter, "best friend" comes into the picture.
That one - out of all responses - stung the most.
 

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If you must know, he had a gambling problem, spent over 400K from our retirement account, drained our bank accounts, put the house in foreclosure - which i was able to save. So ... there you go.
Why didn’t you divorce him sooner?

Divorce knowing you’ll be away from yourH issues - to some extent.

But don’t be surprised if the OM doesn’t divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter · #75 ·
Truth always does.
You are correct. With that said, I know every situation is different. I'm not saying I am the exception to the rule and it won't have the stereotypical end result of an affair. I do think though (actually i KNOW) that sometimes these relationships work out. Im not saying this will...i'm not saying it won't. And certainly neither without a mess and really hurt feelings.
I put myself in this situation - i allowed it. He allowed it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #76 ·
Why didn’t you divorce him sooner?

Divorce knowing you’ll be away from yourH issues - to some extent.

But don’t be surprised if the OM doesn’t divorce.
Why didn't i divorce him sooner? I found out and filed within a month after i had done my due diligence, research, notes, documentation...............
 

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You are correct. With that said, I know every situation is different. I'm not saying I am the exception to the rule and it won't have the stereotypical end result of an affair. I do think though (actually i KNOW) that sometimes these relationships work out. Im not saying this will...i'm not saying it won't. And certainly neither without a mess and really hurt feelings.
I put myself in this situation - i allowed it. He allowed it.
How will you explain to your kids that you are a home wrecker?
 

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Discussion Starter · #78 ·
I'm not going to judge you. I will just answer the question you posted for the guys.

Yes you are wasting your time. Not saying he doesn't like you or even have feelings for you but you were convenient. You were there, you were safe. Having business together gave you a reason to spend time together. As a married man he couldn't openly go out and look for other women even if he wanted to. You were the easiest and most comfortable option. Once he's single he's going to have a ton of options. New options, he's had you, no offense. Some of those options will be much younger and won't have kids. Besides, even as a cheater he knows that he can't trust a cheater. You probably know that too.

I know what you're thinking, I know him, we're best friends. Yes honey, you are best friends until a younger, hotter, "best friend" comes into the picture.
Also... he and i have had that conversation. Exactly that conversation - it was long and real... we did discuss the 'once a cheater' saying, we discussed the will you trust me comment... we discussed the single someday thing...we discussed it all. So yes, this all stings... and at the same time, we discussed every one of these details. I think what stings the most is that the whole conversation we had is now- in my head - replaced with this.
 

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You are correct. With that said, I know every situation is different. I'm not saying I am the exception to the rule and it won't have the stereotypical end result of an affair. I do think though (actually i KNOW) that sometimes these relationships work out. Im not saying this will...i'm not saying it won't. And certainly neither without a mess and really hurt feelings.
I put myself in this situation - i allowed it. He allowed it.
Like Al_Bundy said, you have three kids and you're older. If a younger, nicer model comes along you're toast baby. Ask me how I know.
 

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Also... he and i have had that conversation. Exactly that conversation - it was long and real... we did discuss the 'once a cheater' saying, we discussed the will you trust me comment... we discussed the single someday thing...we discussed it all. So yes, this all stings... and at the same time, we discussed every one of these details. I think what stings the most is that the whole conversation we had is now- in my head - replaced with this.
Not trying to pile on, just a different pov. Here's one conversation you probably did not have. Guessing you are at least in your 40s and so is your guy. If he has done well for himself financially and has taken care of himself physically he will have access to women 20yrs younger than you. Women who don't have any connections to his old life. Women that won't bring a ton of questions as to how they got together. Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage? I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he gets with someone else, that makes it a whole lot easier for him with his kids, friends, family, etc...

You might be the most positive thing in his life right now but once he gets divorced you're just part of his past. You're the slice of bacon on a crap sandwich. Sometimes when people split they want to leave that old life behind........all of it. The good, bad and the ugly.
 
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