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This will ruffle feathers, i'm sure of it. But maybe - just maybe - if you have an open mind you will understand, i do need advice.
I'm going to start this by saying that if you had told me 20 years ago i'd ever be writing about this, i'd say there is no way in way, never.
I am in the middle of a divorce after 24 years (divorce is continually held up bc of corona)- hadn't been good for a very, very long time. We never should have gotten married but we had a child within a year of dating, then another and decided to get married..then had another a few years later. There was no passion, no true love, we just played the roles until we couldn't anymore.
I felt very alone most of the marriage, no attraction to him but did what i needed to do, in fact, i thought i had zero sex drive.
I moved out of my big house into my own sweet place with 2 of my daughters - 1 is on her own past couple of years.
While moving in (a year and a few months after my divorce began), my business partner whom i have been best guy/girl friends with for 18 years confessed he had feelings for me over the past few years. Our kids are all friends, i was friends with his wife for quite a while up until 6 years ago when she turned into a different person seemingly overnight. Angry, temper, i watched many times her go at her husband and kids just being awful. This has continued to go on all these years later. I've been in the room when she has lost her sh!t on them, she refuses to have $ex with him (it's been 5 years with no intimacy) - she told me years ago she has no desire to ever have $ex again.
Anyhow, when he was helping me move in, he expressed his feelings and kissed me. I did kiss him back - if i'm being honest, id had a crush on him for years as well but never in a million years would have done anything about it. I just loved being his friend and then we became business partners.
Our relationship is so much fun, very real, honest, laugh huge, we're best friends - the way it's always been. But now this has been added in - the passion, kindness, honesty, caring is nothing like i've experienced. We have had many conversations about this ... if i didn't know first hand or have seen what goes on in that house, i wouldn't believe a word he (or his sons) say. But i know what they say is true. Their marriage is at the end..the other day she lost it on them (againnn) and screamed she was getting her own place. I know this is true bc his oldest was telling me as well privately (I've always been like their 2nd mother - known them since he was 5). He just wants to hold the marriage together until his youngest graduates in 2 years and i understand that plan was always to do the same with my youngest. But things happened and my plan was sped up.
He tells me he hasn't loved her in years, and she's told me the same when we were friends but that was long ago. I told her the same about my husband.
He actually thinks she may be a lesbian but can't prove it, the no-sex in 5 years has him convinced.
She tried to be intimate with him 3 weeks ago but he turned her down bc he said - i have no attraction to her..i couldn't even 'get it up' if i wanted to with her..i told her i didnt' feel well and she went ballistic. The kids heard the screaming after that as well. It's just a bad situation.

Question 1 for the guys: Am i wasting my time? I have not asked him to leave her, i've never made him feel bad about being there..i totally get it. I just dont understand why he still wants to just try for his youngest sake even though his kids have said to him...why dont you just leave her already? Again, i've been in the room when they've said this before - so i know none of it is made up. What is he scared of?

Question 2 for the ladies: i know this isn't morally right. I totally understand that. It happened, i honestly think it was meant to happen and it was going to happen eventually. What would you do? I'm still in the middle of my own divorce..i am not in a rush at all. THings are fine the way they are at the moment. Have any of you been through this?
THank you all...I know i'll get some nastiness and i'm ready for that. But if there are some of you who get it and can share truth, that is appreciated.
He's using you to make his life tolerable until he leaves his wife way down the road or never leaves and just tries to keep you there on the side.

You need to do some serious work on yourself and figure out why you make bad decisions. Why did you have kids with a guy you didn't have real feelings for, why did you marry him? Why did you keep having kids knowing the relationship was crap? Why is your first post separation fling an affair with a married man? Until you figure all this out you will keep making bad decisions and be miserable in your relationships and life because of the decisions you make.
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