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End one relationship before starting another. Married men are forbidden fruit. He has no business building a nest with you if he wants to stay with his wife until his kid leaves. That is an excuse! He is not ready to leave his wife. She may be horrible, but apparently not as bad that he won't leave her. But he sure as heck wants to boink you. Do you like sloppy seconds? No one should. You deserve better. You are vulnerable and he knew this. That is why he targeted you. Easy peasy for him to do with all the history your families have.
It will not end well. It is your life. There will be hell to pay if you don't end both your marriage and your affair. Get counseling. You entered a marriage for the wrong reasons and for whatever reason. You are older now. Learn from your past and live a better future. Don't start a relationship where you are now the Other woman. Sloppy seconds suck rocks!
 

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I think you may be underplaying the effect that your friendship with him has had on his relationship with his wife.
You may think that you kept your feelings for him hidden but you could be wrong. And you have no idea how much or how little your name came up during their fights.
I also think that it’s interesting that she stopped being friends with you.
 

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I think you may be underplaying the effect that your friendship with him has had on his relationship with his wife.
You may think that you kept your feelings for him hidden but you could be wrong. And you have no idea how much or how little your name came up during their fights.
I also think that it’s interesting that she stopped being friends with you.
I actually stopped being friends with her. She became very angry about so much stuff in her life and as good a friend as i tried to be to her, she just was awful. She had started body building, her mental state completely changed and has never been the same since.
 

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This will ruffle feathers, i'm sure of it. But maybe - just maybe - if you have an open mind you will understand, i do need advice.
I'm going to start this by saying that if you had told me 20 years ago i'd ever be writing about this, i'd say there is no way in heck..no way, never.
I am in the middle of a divorce after 24 years (divorce is continually held up bc of corona)- hadn't been good for a very, very long time. We never should have gotten married but we had a child within a year of dating, then another and decided to get married..then had another a few years later. There was no passion, no true love, we just played the roles until we couldn't anymore.
I felt very alone most of the marriage, no attraction to him but did what i needed to do, in fact, i thought i had zero sex drive.
I moved out of my big house into my own sweet place with 2 of my daughters - 1 is on her own past couple of years.
While moving in (a year and a few months after my divorce began), my business partner whom i have been best guy/girl friends with for 18 years confessed he had feelings for me over the past few years. Our kids are all friends, i was friends with his wife for quite a while up until 6 years ago when she turned into a different person seemingly overnight. Angry, temper, i watched many times her go at her husband and kids just being awful. This has continued to go on all these years later. I've been in the room when she has lost her sh!t on them, she refuses to have $ex with him (it's been 5 years with no intimacy) - she told me years ago she has no desire to ever have $ex again.
Anyhow, when he was helping me move in, he expressed his feelings and kissed me. I did kiss him back - if i'm being honest, id had a crush on him for years as well but never in a million years would have done anything about it. I just loved being his friend and then we became business partners.
Our relationship is so much fun, very real, honest, laugh huge, we're best friends - the way it's always been. But now this has been added in - the passion, kindness, honesty, caring is nothing like i've experienced. We have had many conversations about this ... if i didn't know first hand or have seen what goes on in that house, i wouldn't believe a word he (or his sons) say. But i know what they say is true. Their marriage is at the end..the other day she lost it on them (againnn) and screamed she was getting her own place. I know this is true bc his oldest was telling me as well privately (I've always been like their 2nd mother - known them since he was 5). He just wants to hold the marriage together until his youngest graduates in 2 years and i understand that ...my plan was always to do the same with my youngest. But things happened and my plan was sped up.
He tells me he hasn't loved her in years, and she's told me the same when we were friends but that was long ago. I told her the same about my husband.
He actually thinks she may be a lesbian but can't prove it, the no-sex in 5 years has him convinced.
She tried to be intimate with him 3 weeks ago but he turned her down bc he said - i have no attraction to her..i couldn't even 'get it up' if i wanted to with her..i told her i didnt' feel well and she went ballistic. The kids heard the screaming after that as well. It's just a bad situation.

Question 1 for the guys: Am i wasting my time? I have not asked him to leave her, i've never made him feel bad about being there..i totally get it. I just dont understand why he still wants to just try for his youngest sake even though his kids have said to him...why dont you just leave her already? Again, i've been in the room when they've said this before - so i know none of it is made up. What is he scared of?

Question 2 for the ladies: i know this isn't morally right. I totally understand that. It happened, i honestly think it was meant to happen and it was going to happen eventually. What would you do? I'm still in the middle of my own divorce..i am not in a rush at all. THings are fine the way they are at the moment. Have any of you been through this?
THank you all...I know i'll get some nastiness and i'm ready for that. But if there are some of you who get it and can share truth, that is appreciated.
He's using you to make his life tolerable until he leaves his wife way down the road or never leaves and just tries to keep you there on the side.

You need to do some serious work on yourself and figure out why you make bad decisions. Why did you have kids with a guy you didn't have real feelings for, why did you marry him? Why did you keep having kids knowing the relationship was crap? Why is your first post separation fling an affair with a married man? Until you figure all this out you will keep making bad decisions and be miserable in your relationships and life because of the decisions you make.
 

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As a woman, and since you asked...
Women who knowingly screw married men are whores. I tried to find another word for it but that is it in a nut shell.
I don’t care the reasons why, you know he is married and you are doing it anyway.
I would also add don't use the excuse that you didn't know. These days one should concentrate on getting their marital status and the number of children that they are responsible whether by choice or by law.

I remember ruminating about how my STBX was having an affair with someone at the office. i was with a (female) friend who offered the "wisdom" maybe she didn't know he was married. She did a couple of other things that annoyed me that motivated me to excise her from my life.

I hate when it someone is constantly providing cover for someone else with the belief that one isn't or shouldn't need to do their investigation to be informed about these matters.
 

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I would also add don't use the excuse that you didn't know. These days one should concentrate on getting their marital status and the number of children that they are responsible whether by choice or by law.

I remember ruminating about how my STBX was having an affair with someone at the office. i was with a (female) friend who offered the "wisdom" maybe she didn't know he was married. She did a couple of other things that annoyed me that motivated me to excise her from my life.

I hate when it someone is constantly providing cover for someone else with the belief that one isn't or shouldn't need to do their investigation to be informed about these matters.
She knows...eyes wide open wrapping her legs around another woman’s husband. Nasty.
 

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So being with your husband was a mistake all along huh? Are his kids a mistake too?

What caused your AP’s wife to become such an awful person? Her wonderful husband didn’t play a part in the marriage going south? Just like your marriage, It’s all the other person’s fault too?

It’s amazing the justification that waywards make to not be the bad guy in the marriage. No it’s not the person committing adultery fault. It is the betrayed spouse’s fault.

To think you were once this woman’s friend and now here you are plotting to steal her husband.
 

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It happened, i honestly think it was meant to happen and it was going to happen eventually.
Justifying. Neither fate nor Cupid had anything to do with you two hooking up. Your partner is taking advantage of what has clearly been thrown in his lap. Remember - if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. Would you ever trust him not to?
 

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Married men who go after other women always lie about their marriage. If she is that bad he would have left her years ago. You say it was meant to happen, no it wasnt, he isnt free to be with anyone else, he is married and still with his wife. You also are still married.

Get your divorce done, stay away from him until such a time as he is divorced and free to be with someone new, if that ever happens which I doubt. What is the difference to his child if they are 16 or 18 when the divorce happens? You know this is wrong, get your life in order and leave him to sort his out.
 

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Interesting. So the dude married his wife but somehow decided you were his "bestie", no doubt taking intimacy from his wife. And he carried on for all these years.

Yet you have NO idea why she's so horrible. She's horrible enough for him to **** around but not horrible enough to leave.

By all means remain his side piece....he sounds like a real catch. I'm sure he's a ton of fun....all you get is the fun. You don't get day to day ******** like she does.

One more thing: how do you know you're the only side piece? He has poor boundaries and cheats on his wife. What makes you think there aren't others?
 
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