[Surprisesinlife]

I'm new to this forum and so thankful to find it! What support. I'm sure no one wants the long story. Short version: Found out by accidental text that husband of 18 years had something going. After discussion, found out that it was going on for 3 years. Meanwhile, being a perfectly loving and caring husband. I was blown away. This was a workplace thing and she still works there. Anyway, he did absolutely everything right when I found out. He couldn't have been more remorseful, cut it off right away, answered all of my questions, etc. Luckily we had a wonderful European trip already planned where we renewed our vows. We had hysterical bonding for months and things were better than ever. Of course I did go through the normal panic, weight loss, etc. initially. Now it's coming up on 4 months and all of a sudden I have horrible mood swings, and so much sadness. Mostly it's the anger that I never had before and I don't know why. I think this is probably normal, but my husband is now getting exasperated because he's tried so hard and things were going well. We know there will be setbacks, but I really want to move on, but somehow I feel now stuck. There are two main issues that bother me. We never sought counseling because we did everything right and frankly I never felt the need for couples counseling. I've started a journal, but I feel I need someone to talk to. Didn't tell friends or kids because we planned to work it out. Only 2 people know. Any experience? Should I seek IC? It's crazy but I worry more about hurting him when I get upset, which I did tonight. Makes him more guilty and depressed, yet we both know we have to talk about it.

 

[LetDownNTX]

I'm new to this forum and so thankful to find it! What support. I'm sure no one wants the long story. Short version: Found out by accidental text that husband of 18 years had something going. After discussion, found out that it was going on for 3 years. Meanwhile, being a perfectly loving and caring husband. I was blown away. This was a workplace thing and she still works there. Anyway, he did absolutely everything right when I found out. He couldn't have been more remorseful, cut it off right away, answered all of my questions, etc. Luckily we had a wonderful European trip already planned where we renewed our vows. We had hysterical bonding for months and things were better than ever. Of course I did go through the normal panic, weight loss, etc. initially. Now it's coming up on 4 months and all of a sudden I have horrible mood swings, and so much sadness. Mostly it's the anger that I never had before and I don't know why. I think this is probably normal, but my husband is now getting exasperated because he's tried so hard and things were going well. We know there will be setbacks, but I really want to move on, but somehow I feel now stuck. There are two main issues that bother me. We never sought counseling because we did everything right and frankly I never felt the need for couples counseling. I've started a journal, but I feel I need someone to talk to. Didn't tell friends or kids because we planned to work it out. Only 2 people know. Any experience? Should I seek IC? It's crazy but I worry more about hurting him when I get upset, which I did tonight. Makes him more guilty and depressed, yet we both know we have to talk about it.

Definitely do IC! If he is doing his part then you have to get a grip on yourself before it causes problems between you two. There are a range of emotions you will experience. They have them listed in order but I was all over the place and even after 3 years R, I still find myself jumping from one to the other!

Sorry you are here!

Good luck!

 

[Surprisesinlife]

Thank you so much for your input. I have gone through so many changes since finding out, that I think it's all coming to a head. As a result of DDay, I sold my business and retired and now am a stay at home mom. I think maybe I have too much time on my hands to think now.

 

[MattMatt]

Thank you so much for your input. I have gone through so many changes since finding out, that I think it's all coming to a head. As a result of DDay, I sold my business and retired and now am a stay at home mom. I think maybe I have too much time on my hands to think now.

Try to get a hobby, something to help you focus on something other than the affair?

 

[missmolly]

I understand completely as I also am still on a roller coaster emotionally and we are 18 months into R. My husband has done and said all the right things and I am fearful of damaging our fragile relationship.

There are several similarities in our situations. Like you, I did not reveal to anyone (except here - thank you TAM)
and we also did not go to any sort of counseling. I had not long been retired from work and our overseas trip resulted is us moving to another country for a while.

We felt we were working it out well by ourselves and were making good progress. But 18 months on I still have my daily struggles. However, when compared to the 4 month postmark, these feelings aren't as often or as prolonged. I am getting better at willing myself to not think about it.

I would strongly advise counselling if you could manage it. I would be doing that if I could find anyone in this country with enough English to understand me.

It also helps for both of us to reread point 7 in this occasionally.
The other points were very helpful in the early days but point 7 looks at the time factor in healing.
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair: 10 steps

 

[Acabado]

After discussion, found out that it was going on for 3 years. Meanwhile, being a perfectly loving and caring husband. I was blown away. This was a workplace thing and she still works there

Four months is a drop in the ocean. It's three years of memories tainted. Fake memories.
Also OW still works there. I'm sure you get sick every morning he goes there. You can't monitor everything.
The fact he was able to compartiumentalize thigs so well he acted loving and plugged all those years is a double edged sword. Deep down you question what kind of person can do this. You question how in the hell you can trust him having this ability to decieve, whether he will start another thing tomorrow morning when you can't see any clue, whether he's doing still at this moment.

The anger phase showed up as scheduled. Perfectly normal. You are OK. I'ts just starting and will get worse. They say it taqkes an average of 2-5 yearrs to fully recover from this. I don't know the extent of the betrayal but given the lengtht out yourself in the 5 years mark. Don't hurry up, feel what you need to feel, it takes time to process, digest betrayal.

I don't know whether MC is necessary or not but he should get some info, on his own, to understand the severity of this, the huge impact in your soul, the lasting effects. Better arm himself with all the patience he can gather or the marriage will fail.

On your side it's truth you need healthy outlets for that anger.

I think that travel so early after DDay coupled with the HB masked your feelings, somehhow helped bpoth to rugsweep. Now you guys doesn't understand what the hell is happening.
Well, happens healing from this is not a linear thing.

 

[Surprisesinlife]

Thanks for the link, Miss Molly! I did read and you're right, #7 is a good one to remember!

 

[Surprisesinlife]

Acabado, I'm afraid you're right. While we did go on many dates with open discussions, two amazing trips and seemed like we talked it out, I think you're right, and I haven't gone through all of the steps yet. I so appreciate everyone's input. It helps to have someone to talk it out with that understands. I did start journaling, but it seems to make me feel worse and obsess more. There are two main issues that I can't get over. One being the sheer fact that it took 3 years and I found out by accidental text, and the other is that he brought her to our home, our bed. I feel so violated and that it's so unfair that she's been in my most private spaces and I don't even know where she lives. These are the things I have the most trouble with.

 

[desperatewife1208]

long story short husband and i both had affairs. I had mine first i confessed we tried to work it out but mine continued.Then my husband was leaving for a trip and said that he knew i was still talking to the om that our marriage was over. he left went on his trip. When i realized after he left that the love of my life was walking away from me i ended mine and saw how wrong i was. I begged my husband to come home to me, i found out he had been cheating on me physically and emotionally with someone i know while he was gone. he said in his head our marriage was over, but it wasn't, there were not papers or anything filed. he then admitted to doing it, after i saw receipts and things with her name on it. he then said he loved me and wanted to come home and try again. i know we both aren't fully over what happened even tho we said wed let it go and not bring it up. i continually find myself bringing it up and thinking about it. hes always been private person but in my head i felt after this there is no more privacy. last night we got in a fight over his Privacy and how snoopy i was acting and he almost walked out. i told him i loved him and didn't want him to go he said i didn't and im trying to push him away. if i loved him id trust and believe him that he was being honest with me. i don't want to lose my husband but how do i get over these insecurities? i understand i did the same thing. he doesn't show his emotions and im the opposite. i love my husband so much i dont want to end my marriage because i cant keep my mouth shut. please help. i have been mentally competeing and comparing myself with the OW. i just cant stop thinking about them being intimate and i dont feel like im good enough for him. oh and its still in his head that i dont really love him. i just wanted him because he makes good money and we have kids together. sorry if i jumped around alot i hope you can understand what im saying. im tired of getting immature answers from people who've never been threw this and know nothing about it. is there still a chance for us to be ok?
FYI mine was from feb til end of june. his was end of june til august. i think its so fresh in my head i havent given myself the time to properly start healing.

 

[Surprisesinlife]

I'm no expert, but sounds like he had a revenge affair. It's funny, because I don't really snoop on my H, but found him looking at my phone while I was in the shower. I confronted him, and he said he was worried that I would seek out someone else in revenge, that it was common. The thought never even crossed my mind, but I guess it's a frequent phenomenon. I know the only way you two will get over it and move on is to talk about it and keep talking. You can't forget about it. Now at 4 months, we no longer talk daily about it, but do need that one night a week or so when we go out and I may have a question or two. It's non-confrontational and we try to make it more of a light almost joking conversation, but I still get my feelings out and get answers if I need them. I still think about it daily, but try not to let it get me down. For me, it's trying to stay busy. Having found this forum has been so wonderful. I don't have anyone to really talk to about it, and rehashing with husband isn't going to do anything now, but make him feel worse and down. He already has so much guilt. You just need to suck it up, keep telling him and showing him that you love him. Make a list of all of the positive things about him and your relationship.

 

[CandieGirl]

I'm no expert, but sounds like he had a revenge affair. It's funny, because I don't really snoop on my H, but found him looking at my phone while I was in the shower. I confronted him, and he said he was worried that I would seek out someone else in revenge, that it was common. The thought never even crossed my mind, but I guess it's a frequent phenomenon. I know the only way you two will get over it and move on is to talk about it and keep talking. You can't forget about it. Now at 4 months, we no longer talk daily about it, but do need that one night a week or so when we go out and I may have a question or two. It's non-confrontational and we try to make it more of a light almost joking conversation, but I still get my feelings out and get answers if I need them. I still think about it daily, but try not to let it get me down. For me, it's trying to stay busy. Having found this forum has been so wonderful. I don't have anyone to really talk to about it, and rehashing with husband isn't going to do anything now, but make him feel worse and down. He already has so much guilt. You just need to suck it up, keep telling him and showing him that you love him. Make a list of all of the positive things about him and your relationship.

OP - you may think you have tackled your husband's affair the right way but he still works with the OW, there has been no exposure for either of them, and you have both just swept the affair aside in an attempt to move past it. You had your high period, and now you're starting to crash as the reality sets in (she's been in your BED!!!). You need to deal with this head on, not in a non-confrontational joking way.

 

[LetDownNTX]

Try to get a hobby, something to help you focus on something other than the affair?

That can happen. I work at home and some days its my worst enemy. It gives me too much time to analyze every detail of every situation!

 

[Surprisesinlife]

CandieGirl, I understand what you're saying, but if we are going to move past this and we both know what happened, what good does it do to keep rehashing the details? I'm so confused. I've told him numerous times, that the thing I have the hardest time with is that he brought her home. He said we can move... whatever we need to. But honestly, that doesn't erase the act. I agree I feel I'm crashing.

 

[CandieGirl]

CandieGirl, I understand what you're saying, but if we are going to move past this and we both know what happened, what good does it do to keep rehashing the details? I'm so confused. I've told him numerous times, that the thing I have the hardest time with is that he brought her home. He said we can move... whatever we need to. But honestly, that doesn't erase the act. I agree I feel I'm crashing.

Rehashing the details is sometimes what needs to be done to get over something, as crazy as it sounds. Burying it sure doesn't seem to ever work!

I'd have hauled the bed and bedding outside and set fire to it; but I'm kinda crazy like that...

What have you and your husband done regarding the no contact rule? It is paramount that your husband have nothing more to do with her EVER again, even if that means quitting his job.

He suggested moving...if this is possible, I'd say go for it.

Regarding this OW...is she married? If so, you really should tell her husband.

Nothing can erase the act; I'm quite sure you'll still think about it in 30 years time...just not very often.