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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

Its been about 4 months since I found out my wife of 20+ years had muliple affairs. (posted prior) We are both in individual and couples therapy now and I thought I had made some progress.

How to you all get through your first Xmas? It is so hard to muster up any motivation to buy her a gift...I will do so because of the kids....but I am finding myself very very emotional again...almost like I am backsliding into my misery.
Its hard to be positive right now.
Jet
 

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I am in nearly same situation, 2 months past dday, 4 days ago she finally tells me they slept together twice.
Same feelings, how can I possibly get her nice, sweet things.
It comes down to this for me....
We are truly reconciling, I truly love her, its very hard but I am
Focused in having something positive in our world.
Healing begins with positivity. Hard as hell for sure, but I am focused On feeding the right wolf.
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Jet, I've had three Christmases post-marriage so far and it does get easier with time. Now is a really good time to invest in yourself. Don't put any thought into her gift - buy it on a whim or, better yet, let the kids pick it.

But buy/give yourself something that you really want. Put a lot of thought and care into it. Don't just splurge on a retail impulse, but give yourself something that you will really, really love - that might even help you grow.

My practice when battling those initial thoughts/times without my ex was to focus on me/think about me. It helped.
 

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I have just not been that 'into' Christmas since the whole thing happened, and this is my third since Dday. Each one does get easier - I remember the first year I felt far worse than last year, and this year again is better. The spirit is slowly coming back into the season. We're R'ing though. What are you doing?
 

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I just took my kids Xmas shopping for their cheating lying hoar of a mother last night. (we're in the middle of a highly contentious and hostile divorce)

We found gifts at the grocery store. It wasn't easy, but somehow I want her to have a happy Christmas.

2x4 anyone?
 
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Hi all,

Its been about 4 months since I found out my wife of 20+ years had muliple affairs. (posted prior) We are both in individual and couples therapy now and I thought I had made some progress.

How to you all get through your first Xmas? It is so hard to muster up any motivation to buy her a gift...I will do so because of the kids....but I am finding myself very very emotional again...almost like I am backsliding into my misery.
Its hard to be positive right now.
Jet
Perhaps one of the consequences is that she does not get a gift this year. I don't see why the presence of the kids means you have to fake this.
 

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D Day July 2011. Last yeat I did not give her anything. We are in R now but It is still going to be low key. No grand gestures until we are out of MC and then we will see
 

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Jet,

The 1st Xmas after finding out my wife was serially cheating was hard on everyone in my family. My side pretty much was disgusted that I would even consider R. Our grown children refused to even acknowledge they even had a mother, my daughter refused to even speak to her and chastised me for not "throwing her under the bus". My wife was totally remorseful and working hard to amend for her years of cheating. I was pretty much just numb to life itself. I think "we" just went through the motions of Xmas.

It's now soon to be 4 Xmas since DDAY. Everyone in my family has moved on, no one ever speaks of "it" anymore. It's like crazy grandma locked up in the room upstairs. I understand, that... if it doesn't directly touch me... "so what". Life move on, with or without you.

Now hear a truth... Time does soften the blow, it's not like you haven't "processed" it to death, right? However, the BS... "you, me", will have the memories forever.
 
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Jet,

The 1st Xmas after finding out my wife was serially cheating was hard on everyone in my family. My side pretty much was disgusted that I would even consider R. Our grown children refused to even acknowledge they even had a mother, my daughter refused to even speak to her and chastised me for not "throwing her under the bus". My wife was totally remorseful and working hard to amend for her years of cheating. I was pretty much just numb to life itself. I think "we" just went through the motions of Xmas.

It's now soon to be 4 Xmas since DDAY. Everyone in my family has moved on, no one ever speaks of "it" anymore. It's like crazy grandma locked up in the room upstairs. I understand, that... if it doesn't directly touch me... "so what". Life move on, with or without you.

Now hear a truth... Time does soften the blow, it's not like you haven't "processed" it to death, right? However, the BS... "you, me", will have the memories forever.
Yep, yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my last DDay, and I still hate this time of the year. I hate it, because I used to love the Christmas season, but it's screwed for me forever.
 

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I am in nearly same situation, 2 months past dday, 4 days ago she finally tells me they slept together twice.
Same feelings, how can I possibly get her nice, sweet things.
It comes down to this for me....
We are truly reconciling, I truly love her, its very hard but I am
Focused in having something positive in our world.
Healing begins with positivity. Hard as hell for sure, but I am focused On feeding the right wolf.
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Wow...I remember your thread. Why don't you post this in your thread ??
 

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Jet: If you're trying to reconcile and rebuild a new relationship then I would get her a gift - maybe a small but a thoughtful one. Rebuilding means forgiveness and it's Christmas, a good time to forgive and build a new memory. It might hurt but if you're trying to rebuild then go with the season

OTOH, if you're not reconciling, then don't waste too much time. Just get a token gift something generic... Or nothing.

This is my first Christmas since separating. I have the kids and my STBxW is probably coming over for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve (our mediator suggested this vs the kids go over to her place for a few hours. The kids want her here.) I just bought her a meaningless token gift so her stocking isn't empty.
 

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Jet, I know what you mean, it's been 8 months since Dday here and I'm finding it very hard to buy something for my wife. I used to put so much care and effort into finding something just right her but this year I'm not even close to being there. I've told my my how I feel and for the sake of the kids she went and bought a couple of things that they could give her on Christmas morning.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Jet, how is it going with your wife? Does she express true regret, or only regret for getting caught?
Summer....great question....how do you really know? She appears to show true regret.....That is why I am waiting a year. Take the pressure of me to figure out R or D....so I guess I am in temporary R...is that allowed?
 
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