Talk About Marriage banner

81 - 100 of 121 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,403 Posts
It's normal to go through some changes after retirement. Sometimes being together that much has its own problems and makes someone feel they need a little space. And it sounds like she has something she's going through. I really think the best thing would be to get you two into marriage counseling so you can find out what's going on and learn to both take steps to deal with it without hurting each other. It sounds like you need better communication at this point. Good luck.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bob4678

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #82 (Edited)
Come on, 40 hours a week M-F is a job, not a hobby.
Livvie,

I have to heartily disagree. I was doing something that I loved for no pay except hugs and kisses. If I spent 40 hours a week golfing and other hobbies, would they be considered jobs.

Thanks for your input.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,601 Posts
You really can't consider 8-3am private time unless she really is only getting by on 3 hours of sleep. I was going off your previous post wherein you stated 4 hrs for kids, 8 hrs for you, 2 for her and then the sleep & cuddling time of 10 hrs.

You two can work this out with a little compromise.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,403 Posts
40 hours a week is an awful lot with the grandchildren. so she'd probably never want to say so because she loves her kids and the grandkids, she was probably also kind of looking forward to relatively kid-free environment at this age. You know she's raised her kids. Now it's her kids turn to raise their kids.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #85
40 hours a week is an awful lot with the grandchildren. so she'd probably never want to say so because she loves her kids and the grandkids, she was probably also kind of looking forward to relatively kid-free environment at this age. You know she's raised her kids. Now it's her kids turn to raise their kids.
We raised our kids with me being the main carer. We had a live in Nanny from the time that they were born until they were three years old. We had it easy, easy, easy.

Retiring in your thirties has many, many downsides. For instance, we had travelled the world by the time we were 50. We had travelled the country. We indulged in every possible thing that most people don’t begin to do until their sixties. Our bucket list is pretty empty. We have visited every state in the U.S. We have visited the Netherlands, Philippines, Brazil, Germany, New Zealand, Costa Rica, Mexico, Japan, Thailand, Spain, Canada, Hong Kong, Australia to name most of them that I readily remember.

What do you when you get to the end of your bucket list? If hobbies are just to pass the time until you die, what is wrong with the grandchildren being my hobby.

Thanks for your input.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,156 Posts
I have to disagree with most posters. They are representing very American attitude, where everybody for themselves. There is NOTHING wrong in taking care of your grandchild if you want to do it. The opposite -it is quite a norm in most of the world. This should have been discussed with your wife, of course.
However, your wife is an adult and should have been able to communicate with you that she doesn’t like the situation and is lonely.

There must be way more to it, why she turned into alcoholism. You do not become alcoholic -particularly at this age just because for three years your spouse cared for your grandchild. Again, if you guys were as close as you THINK you are - she would have raised the issue with you and you would adjust your time with a grandchild. I think her loneliness, or whatever else was brewing in her -had to start way before that. Maybe life of leisure, with no real responsibilities was too hard to handle?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,028 Posts
You have changed your tune. You previously said you were obsessed with your grandchild, had no time for your wife so she turned to other things to fill her time, and were so obsessed with your grandchild you didn't even notice her drinking problem.

And yeah, 40 hours a week of golf would be like a full time job, too. I work full time, so I know what that amount of time feels like and how much time is left of the day at the end of it. 40 hours a week fit into M-F of: work, golf, fishing, or watching a child IS a large chunk of time.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,403 Posts
If you really topped off your bucket list, then you are some mighty lucky people. So now I think maybe it might benefit you and others if you or both of you maybe got into doing some volunteer work helping those less fortunate. It need nit consume all your time. But it sounds like you have a lot to give. It might stimulate both of you because you both feel like you were needed and fortunate and helping people. It would give you purpose. Just think about it. But yeah you've got to improve communications with your wife so you know what's going on there. If you can't get to that point then get a counselor.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,156 Posts
I still do not understand all that blaming of OP for caring for his granddaughter, while getting the wife off the hook. she DID NOT communicate that she had problem with it. The OP is NOT responsible for her drinking.

I always hear on TAM that we are responsible for our own happiness, not our spouse. What happened to that idea?

I do not believe that him taking care of a kid caused her alcoholism. Most of us here on TAM would be dead from
alcohol poisoning if that was so simple.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #91
You have changed your tune. You previously said you were obsessed with your grandchild, had no time for your wife so she turned to other things to fill her time, and were so obsessed with your grandchild you didn't even notice her drinking problem.
I cannot find where I stated that I did not have time for her during that period. The 40 hours a week left her to find her own pursuits. One was alcohol. We continued to travel during those three years both inside and outside the country. We took vacations as normal and pursued stuff.

After rehab, we changed course with the grandkids for 2-3 times a week for four hours daily. My wife, then, found solo pursuits and I was left bewildered as to why I had cut down on the grandkids so she could pursue her pursuits all during the day and evening. Seems with no kids here, she planned more solo pursuits.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,803 Posts
Since you guys have so much time now, give the book His Needs Her Needs a try. It will explain how a marriage should work. I don't see actual issues, just miscommunication and lack of understanding of how a marriage should work. The book will really help with that. Read it together, one chapter at a time, and discuss how it addresses your marriage, as you go.

And I second the poster who suggested finding some place to volunteer at. You're in a unique position most would die for, so do some good; and volunteering can be really great on a marriage.

btw, I too have been caring for my baby granddaughter, so I get it. The more time you can spend with your grandchildren, the better off for them AND you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #93 (Edited)
Since you guys have so much time now, give the book His Needs Her Needs a try. It will explain how a marriage should work. I don't see actual issues, just miscommunication and lack of understanding of how a marriage should work. The book will really help with that. Read it together, one chapter at a time, and discuss how it addresses your marriage, as you go.

And I second the poster who suggested finding some place to volunteer at. You're in a unique position most would die for, so do some good; and volunteering can be really great on a marriage.

btw, I too have been caring for my baby granddaughter, so I get it. The more time you can spend with your grandchildren, the better off for them AND you.
I have downloaded the book on Audible and will begin in the morning with my wife to listen to it. Thanks for the recommendation.

Volunteering with Covid and being 66 makes it more difficult to volunteer outside the house. Might need to find some kind of volunteering that can be done at home or on the Internet. Would appreciate any recommendations in what might be available.

We had the grandkids today from 10-2 and it was wonderful. I saw a difference in my wife and she came up to me afterwards and said she wanted me to immediately schedule another overnight with them. So, Wednesday 10-2, Thursday/Friday off and overnight from 3:00 p.m. on Saturday until 10:00 a.m. on Sunday. Great Day Today.

After they left today, I got caught up here and then we talked about this site and she got read up on this thread. This site has assisted us to return to our past where we were in sync communication wise. Up until the grandchildren, we rarely argued and just lived life large.

Thanks so much for your input.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,403 Posts
sems with no kids here, she planned more solo pursuits.
Which only further makes me think that she wanted to pursue some new things and wasn't able to do it because of having the kids around, so now she's doing some things she wanted to do.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bob4678

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,699 Posts
My wife, then, found solo pursuits and I was left bewildered as to why I had cut down on the grandkids so she could pursue her pursuits all during the day and evening. Seems with no kids here, she planned more solo pursuits.
So, what does she say the reasons are behind her pulling away from you now that you have MORE time and the grandkids aren't taking up so much time? What did she learn/do in counseling in rehab that caused this change of attitude towards you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,803 Posts
I would be willing to bet that there are tons of opportunities to volunteer to tutor kids over the internet these days. Help them learn how to read better, do math, talk about science, just bond with them. Check with the local school district (the one that's not rich, could use some help). Or maybe try Big Brothers/Big Sisters online.

She was on Price Is Right? So cool! IIWY, I would be bragging to all her friends and family on Facebook about it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #97
So, what does she say the reasons are behind her pulling away from you now that you have MORE time and the grandkids aren't taking up so much time? What did she learn/do in counseling in rehab that caused this change of attitude towards you?
Right now, she only says the frustrating, “I don’t know.” No idea if this applies in any way but she told me that she was put in charge of others in rehab as the older woman who could give good advice and be looked up to. She came back with confidence of being, as she stated, “Head ***** in Charge.“.

On a side note, she did not go through the detoxication that one goes through. She entered rehab with no alcohol in her system and had not drank for the 10 days before entering. They were surprised. We were all so proud of her.

Thanks for your input and questions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,803 Posts
Something to remember is that ALL people, in every circumstance, have something in common: We all want to be admired. It's human nature, we can't be helped. She felt liked, needed, empowered, by being the person respected in her group. What's a great way to duplicate that? Volunteer.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #99 (Edited)
I would be willing to bet that there are tons of opportunities to volunteer to tutor kids over the internet these days. Help them learn how to read better, do math, talk about science, just bond with them. Check with the local school district (the one that's not rich, could use some help). Or maybe try Big Brothers/Big Sisters online.

She was on Price Is Right? So cool! IIWY, I would be bragging to all her friends and family on Facebook about it.
i love the idea of tutoring kids on the Internet. Thanks.

Price of Right was so great. She was masterful. We had to keep the secret from everyone until the airing and everyone watched it live. Her 92 year old Mom was so happy and proud of her. It made Mom a celebrity at her nursing home.

Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,156 Posts
I love it that you let your wife read this thread. If you guys can share this, you will make it.:)
Good luck!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bob4678
81 - 100 of 121 Posts
Top