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Seriously for so many hours day and day out? I don't know why you are making such comments, the OP stated in HIS own opinion he was "addicted" to his grandchildren and spent too much time with them. I didn't say it.
Yes I have know many grandparents who care for children while their parents work, either full or part time. In the uk its such a struggle for young parents to manage with all the childcare costs and high rents and house prices.
 

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Well, it is quite irresponsible to have children when one can't afford to raise them. Grandparents won't always be available to take on the burden.

This was not the case for the OP - he wanted to care for the little ones. It could've provided meaning to his life. He is obviously missing something.
So if you live in a country that has high house prices and rents and the cost of child care is high, no one should have children? People are waiting far later than they used to to have children, but still often struggle to manage. To just declare that they shouldnt have ever have had children is rather c drastic. Many grandparents love to help out anyway, that relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren is so very special. Plus it keeps them young which is a big plus.
 

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I retired in my early 50’s so that I could take care of my first grandchild (and then his siblings). Five days a week for many years. Full-time until they began kindergarten, part-time while they were in school, and full-time when they were out of school. Was it exhausting? Absolutely. Did I miss out on a lot of stuff? Certainly. But we all make choices and that was mine. I’ve never regretted it.
And you gain so very much.
 

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I don't always agree with everything Diana says but I feel I ought to point out that it is indeed VERY common over here for grandparents to provide childcare purely because the alternatives are extremely expensive. It can easily take an entire salary, especially if you have more than one child. Maybe this is different across the pond.

Apparently, according to an organisation called AgeUK, 40% of grandparents over 50 in the UK provide regular childcare for their grandchildren.
Yes, I dont think that people who live in places where the cost of living is so much cheaper, especially housing, really understand. The second wage earner as you said has to earn a very high wage even to make it worthwhile for them to go to work after childcare costs. Living on one wage is near nigh impossible unless one of you earns a very high wage.
 

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OP, it's time to put the brakes on the in the past this, why did I, etc etc.

Same with her and Ws back story.

To build a future, take an objective look where you, where you both are, today.

Start from where you're at.

W will take you for granted, there's no doubt, and if you become a doormat because of your likely perceived guilt, unrealistic view of your guilt, there will be a larger chasm between you two.

Start with your happy to be with her, conversely she should realize she's fortunate to be with you, too and if she's not showing that then let her do without your care.

You can't earn her love. Her mindset is what has to rearrange.

PS hopefully she's not going to AA meetings ongoing.

As an organization AA is more interested in keeping attendance up than solving a person's problems. And they will indoctrinate her into being more loyal to their cause than to family. That's a fact.

Other support, healthy support, yes, but not AA.
I respectfully disagree. I’ve personally seen this program help hundreds (first hand nearly 300) of people get recovered. Donations are only voluntary and if donating $2 a meeting is adequate.
The idea is to help others - so if she is recovering well she may choose to spend some time helping others recover as well.

but each person chooses for themself.
This is my experience - I’m in a very large populated area - many meetings - large need for others to help in recovery.
Any extra donations left at the end of any month (after rent and utilities) are donated to outside causes. No leftover money is kept for the group. As a group - they decide where the extra money is sent. Leadership changes on a regular basis so no one stays in any position for very long.
 

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I respectfully disagree. I’ve personally seen this program help hundreds (first hand nearly 300) of people get recovered. Donations are only voluntary and if donating $2 a meeting is adequate.
The idea is to help others - so if she is recovering well she may choose to spend some time helping others recover as well.

but each person chooses for themself.
This is my experience - I’m in a very large populated area - many meetings - large need for others to help in recovery.
Any extra donations left at the end of any month (after rent and utilities) are donated to outside causes. No leftover money is kept for the group. As a group - they decide where the extra money is sent. Leadership changes on a regular basis so no one stays in any position for very long.
That's ok. We can disagree. My suggestion is anyone looking for support and are considering AA is to read the history, the current information, and research AA and any organization, then choose themselves.

AA isn't the poster child and is by far and away NOT the productive help most think they are.
 

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I absolutely did gain a lot. Plus, I have tons of fun memories of those years. And — more important — so do my grandchildren.
Was your spouse retired at time, as well? Did you talk to your spouse about signing up to do that before you did?
 

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Was your spouse retired at time, as well? Did you talk to your spouse about signing up to do that before you did?
No, he never retired. Work was always first with him and that never changed. But, we did discuss it before I started those years and he thought it was a good idea. Turned out he absolutely loved being with them and that was something we were able to enjoy together — given his limited availability due to work demands (and our very dysfunctional marriage).

The OP’s wife may not feel the same way I did and that’s okay. Their marriage is definitely not like mine was. I would feel beyond smothered being with someone 24/7 with no outside interests — I need some space — but if she didn’t feel smothered, and if she wants that again, hopefully that can happen. However, if she likes things the way they are now, then they will have to work that out.
 

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That's ok. We can disagree. My suggestion is anyone looking for support and are considering AA is to read the history, the current information, and research AA and any organization, then choose themselves.

AA isn't the poster child and is by far and away NOT the productive help most think they are.
if done strictly by the book... the odd are VERY high for full recovery - higher than 75%
 

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Well, from my experience the ones who did the work strictly by the book recovered 100%

who markets AA? That’s not the way AA is supposed to work. And that’s not by the book.
 

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Discussion Starter #73
OP was it a joint decision (with your wife) to watch your grandchild every day all day, or just yours?

I love my children, and I really really like babies and toddlers. But in my late 50s early 60s there is no way I'd sign up to watch a baby all day 5 days a week unless it was absolutely necessary.
It was my decision to be with the kids for the extensive periods. Thinking back it is difficult for me because I deserted her for the grandchildren. In hindsight, I would have done things much different.

I just saw my time with them to be my hobby time. Even with 40 hours a week, we had couple time for the other 16 hours weekdays and we were totally off ALL weekends.

My age was never a factor as far as energy and ability. For some reason, I believe my DNA is that of a carer for children. I believe I did the watching of the kids for my personal benefit and enjoyment more than to give the parents free time.

Thanks for your inpu..
 

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Discussion Starter #74
I retired in my early 50’s so that I could take care of my first grandchild (and then his siblings). Five days a week for many years. Full-time until they began kindergarten, part-time while they were in school, and full-time when they were out of school. Was it exhausting? Absolutely. Did I miss out on a lot of stuff? Certainly. But we all make choices and that was mine. I’ve never regretted it.
I enthusiastically applaud you. My grandchildren are a joy and I only have a few more years with them. Soon, they will be in school and the parents will be picking up most challenges that the kids have to go through in school and life. It will be down to, maybe, a couple of hours during the week and very little on weekend because that will be their family time.

Thanks for your input..
 

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Discussion Starter #76 (Edited)
So, you KNOW you need to have your OWN life also, yes? She has developed hobbies, YOU Need to also. You also need to have hobbies/activities that you like to do together (other than watching TV!)
Yes, my life right now is my wife, my grandchildren, four hour drives with the wife twice a week, museum visits, reading and televisions.

I do have one hobby that will be taking up much of my time beginning next week. During the years with the grandkids, I was a constant picture and video taker. I have, literally over ten thousand, one minute videos and thousands of pictures. Plus, I took videos and pictures of all events over 38 years including the first ten birthdays of our daughters.

We have downloaded all the videos and pictures already and will be scanning in roughly 20,000 photos next week. We are putting everything in the cloud and then, for Christmas, will be providing all interested the ability to see the events, videos, pictures that they were involved in, It is a worthwhile project.

Thanks for your input and question.
 

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I enthusiastically applaud you. My grandchildren are a joy and I only have a few more years with them. Soon, they will be in school and the parents will be picking up most challenges that the kids have to go through in school and life. It will be down to, maybe, a couple of hours during the week and very little on weekend because that will be their family time.

Thanks for your input..
Yes, mine did grow up much too quickly. I greatly enjoyed these years with them and wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.
 

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Discussion Starter #79
It's a negative because his wife thinks 4 hours a day is enough together time and he doesn't. He thinks she should get 2 hours a day to herself and devote the rest of the hours to him. He needs something to fill that void.
Sorry, I must have written the time stuff wrong. My ideal breakdown would be private time from 6-8 a.m., couple time 8-12 a.m., private time from 12-4 p.m., couple time from 4-8 p.m., 8 p.m. - 3 a.m. private time and, finally, 3-6 a.m. cuddling/sleep time/other fun stuff. That would be 13 hours private time, 8 hours couple time and 3 hours cuddling time, etc. Any grandchildren watching would come out of couple time.

This would be flexible as we move around hours as necessary on circumstances but seems to me that is pretty good for each of us. We are both Navy veterans so we know how to keep a schedule and modify it based on circumstances.

Would appreciate all your thoughts.

Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter #80
Most women love to help take care of grandchildren, but if she wasnt happy with the amount of time the small child was with them, she should have talked to her husband and daughter. They are not mind readers after all.
My wife regrets not speaking up. She regrets the lying and alcohol. She did her amends to me and I appreciate her honesty even if it came late. She read the thread this morning and told me that I “let her off the hook” for her transgressions.

Just wish that I had known earlier.
 
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