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What to do?

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Wife and I both smoke (my bad). I want to quit and have been wanting to for quite some time. I started smoking again months after meeting her. We got pregnant and she tried to quit but failed, ultimately we lost the child. I don't necessarily think it was due to smoking.
After, I asked her to promise to quit if we were to get pregnant again. She agreed. We are now at 38 weeks and shes still smoking a pack and a half a day. We are scheduled for a cesarean in a week. Trying to quit has caused a lot of friction between us. I have quit a few times but ultimately fail. It's considerably more difficult to quit when someones smoking like a chimney.
I told her the time in the hospital would be a good opportunity to quit smoking. She basically just laughed. She said if I want to quit she won't stop me but shes not quitting. She is planning on breastfeeding as well. I told her if I quit I wouldn't support her habit and it would be up to her to get her own. She immediately said she would get a job and just formula feed. Later I asked her not to threaten me with taking away from the quality of life of our children. She said than don't threaten not to bring me cigarettes to the hospital.
This is the fourth child between us and all live at home.

I feel quitting smoking is very important for many reasons.

1. It's irresponsible financially considering how strapped we are already (we roll our own)
2. It sets a bad example for the children.
3. I'm 32 and both of my parents had heart problems. One died of pancreatic cancer, the other a massive heart attack.
4. I am a widower and the only person qualified in my family to raise my children so I need to be there for them. 7 & 10
5. It's disgusting and I am upset with myself for not being strong enough and would appreciate quitting together.
6. It's overall selfish.

She claims its too hard and doesn't want to quit. I suggested marriage counseling but her attitude and anger won't allow her to engage in that setting. I have tried everything to help her but she inevitably fails or refuses to try. I've been nice, mean, confrontational, played the psychologist, manipulated, talked to, threatened, everything you can imagine.

I feel she is being very selfish and makes demands but will not follow through with the things she promises. I admit i can be difficult at times but I do listen. I am 32 and she is 23 just to be fair I understand the age gap and try to be patient knowing the difference. However I feel that smoking is a priority to her and ultimately everyone else's needs or requirements come second. Her upbringing has a lot to do with it but I remain patient and understanding. I almost think she would choose smoking over me given the option.

She has tried E-cigarettes, cold turkey, and hypnosis. It's always just too hard.

Looking for quality feedback. No name calling or being accusational.
 

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I didn't vote. I don't know what I would do. But, I think the level of irresponsilbity/ immaturity your wife is demonstrating might be hard to fix.

I quit the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter because it was no longer about me, you know?

I think that you need to take steps to make yourself live a healthier life, regardless of what she does. Quit smoking. The sooner, the better. I would also ecourage you to educate her on exactly how she could be harming the baby. You can't make her do anything, though. And if you give an ultimatum, be prepared to have it backfire. Good luck.
 

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I voted for the top 2 because I think you should quit and she may follow but also let her be because causing stress about the issue right after she just had a baby is going to make it harder for her to quit. She'll do it when she's ready, you'll have a really hard time trying to force it before she is.
 

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Making someone quit smoking is not an easy thing to do.My father kept smoking even after being diagnosed with Emphysema,he passed away.My sister kept smoking after being diagnosed with emphysema and she passed away 2yrs ago.I smoked once when I was in the army and in Vietnam,but I attributed that to being in combat.When I got home I immediately quit.So by your quitting she just might follow your example.If she can't see the detriment to your baby,nothing you can say will change her mind.She sounds very selfish.You would think that her being the younger partner and pregnant she would be more aware for her health.Wish you the best of luck.
 

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I've never smoked and never tried, but I know it's a very difficult addiction to overcome. Furthermore, she smoked when you married her so you can't change the rules all by yourself, and you certainly can't nag her into quitting. I can imagine that the stress of pregnancy along with a nagging husband (though well intentioned) makes it that much more difficult.

There's a certain daddy daughter dynamic going on here as well; you don't speak of your wife as an equal but as someone that's young/immature and you have to be patient. I suppose you didn't consider her maturity before you married her and had kids with her. It's nice when you get to sleep with someone young but eventually you have to deal with them. And fyi, anyone that knows my story knows that i'm 19 years younger than my hubby so it's not like I have issues with age differences.

At this point this is also a power play; you're a nagging daddy and she's a rebellious teenager who is not going to listen. Stop bringing it up and for the love of all things close your mouth until you successfully quit. I realize pregnant women are supposed to be held a standard of discipline that others can't or won't follow but life doesn't work like that.

Stop buying cigarettes. If she gets a job and formula feeds it's not the end of the world, esp if the alternative is breast feeding while smoking.
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You're not going to get her to stop smoking but you can set a good example.

Can't believe the ecigs and vapes don't work for her.... They work for everybody I've talked to.
 

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Why does your wife love her cigs more than her baby?

Because that is really what it is all about...loving her addiction and her needs more than the health of her child.

Such a shame.
This is a horrible thing to say. Many people struggle their entire lives to quit smoking and never do succeed. If it was as simple as just deciding one day to do it, no one would struggle. It has nothing to do with the health of the unborn child and everything to do with the addiction. Smoking during pregnancy does not guarantee that your child will have problems - many many babies are born to mothers who smoke and are perfectly fine.

Because it is EXTRA hard to quit when someone else in the house smokes, my suggestion is to try to get her to agree to quitting with you. If you both do it at the same time it will be much easier. Failing that, then you quitting as an example is the next best thing. Just don't lord it over her when you do it - there is NOTHING worse to someone struggling to quit than someone who already quit being all superior because they quit and you can't.
 

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By all means you need to quit. And she certainly should but you can't force her to. Why didn't she quit before she got pregnant if that was the deal? You would think being pregnant and the health of her child would have been enough to make her stop. It was for me. Yes, it's very, very hard to quit. The most difficult thing I ever did.

Both my parents smoked and it killed them. I have lung damage due to my mother smoking while pregnant and also due to second-hand smoke growing up. I didn't smoke long enough to damage my lungs but I sure didn't help them.

So please quit. And pray that she does.

PS
I doubt breast feeding while smoking is more beneficial than formula.
 

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I would:
Quit through the help of a hospital (I work at a cancer hospital and we have TONS of free help in quitting; so does the university down the road)
Not allow her to smoke in the house any time you are home (and yes, that includes taking it out of her hand and throwing it away)
Stop buying her cigarettes
Tell her entire family you're quitting and you need their help to get her to stop for the sake of the baby
Find the most disgusting literature you can get your hands on and keep giving it to her and showing it to her, so she can see what she's doing to her child
Take her to an emphysema ward at the nearby hospital
 

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She has to want to quit! Smoking a pack and a half a day. I smoked during all my pregnancies, but I cut way down to 2 to 4 a day!

she will not be able to smoke while at the hospital (you cant here, anyway.) and a c section stay is 3 to 4 days!
 

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I stopped my addiction to Pepsi when I had oral surgery, couldn't/didn't want to drink it for a good week. Once I was better, just didn't want it as much. Maybe being away a few days from it will help.
 

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This is a horrible thing to say. Many people struggle their entire lives to quit smoking and never do succeed. If it was as simple as just deciding one day to do it, no one would struggle. It has nothing to do with the health of the unborn child and everything to do with the addiction. Smoking during pregnancy does not guarantee that your child will have problems - many many babies are born to mothers who smoke and are perfectly fine.
:iagree:

I smoke. I cut way, way back when I was pregnant but I was never able to quit it completely. My baby is 1 year old now and thriving.


OP, the more pressure you put on her to quit, the more you're just going to drive her to keep smoking. It's a vicious cycle. And calling her selfish when you haven't quit yourself is just going to damage your relationship.

I'm gearing myself up to quit again. I've tried many times. You have to psych yourself up for it. One thing I know is that you can't do it for anyone else. You have to decide that you want to quit and that has to come from inside. But knowing that my husband loves me and is concerned about me and is there to support me has been helpful in starting to get me in the right frame of mind. If he were nagging me or calling me selfish, I don't think I could face it. It would just make me feel like a bad person. And when you're feeling low, what do you do? You reach for another cigarette because it's your coping mechanism.

Just keep telling her that you love her, that you want her to be around for a long time and that's why you're concerned. Let her know that if she gains weight (lots of people do) you'll still find her attractive - that's a big concern for a lot of women.

And find things to do together to distract from the cigs. Take walks, go hiking, biking, take the kids to the park, etc.

She doesn't smoke because she's a bad person. She smokes because she's addicted. Don't make this about her character (calling her selfish, etc) and don't punish her for it.

Good luck on quitting yourself! :smthumbup:
 

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I quit more than 35 years ago. I don't know if there were even aids to quitting in those days. I quit cold turkey. What helped was taking frequent very deep breaths. And telling myself that there was no circumstance on earth worth smoking another cigarette -- no matter what good thing or bad thing came my way. After a couple of weeks, I didn't miss them and began to feel better. It was absolutely the hardest thing I ever did. The addiction is horrendous. But it can be done.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I didn't vote. I don't know what I would do. But, I think the level of irresponsilbity/ immaturity your wife is demonstrating might be hard to fix.

I quit the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter because it was no longer about me, you know?

I think that you need to take steps to make yourself live a healthier life, regardless of what she does. Quit smoking. The sooner, the better. I would also ecourage you to educate her on exactly how she could be harming the baby. You can't make her do anything, though. And if you give an ultimatum, be prepared to have it backfire. Good luck.
It is going to be difficult to fix. Issues similar to this are met with the same attitude. She understands the risk; she says its too difficult.
 

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That is just disgusting. Such a shame.

My wife quit smoking cigs and green the second she found out she was pregnant (first was at 18).

Thankfully we quick smoking cigs all together at 20. Worst habit/addiction we ever had (by far).

PS. I didn't quit when my daughter was born...she didn't need that. BUT if she didn't decide to quit, I would def do it with her. No question asked. And if she didn't quit, I would stay with her 24/7 and toss any cigs I would find all day long.

Not under my watch, no way in hell.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Why does your wife love her cigs more than her baby?

Because that is really what it is all about...loving her addiction and her needs more than the health of her child.

Such a shame.
What do you not understand about a productive conversation? Meaningful feedback? Comments like that show your true colors. That is unfair and a ridiculous accusation. You obviously don't have children, and if you do I would pay more attention to what you say lest they speak like you.
 

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I have never smoked, but every other member of my immediate family did/does. My father died suddenly at age 55, my mom not long after at 56. Both of their deaths were directly attributed to their 2-pack a day habits. My dad always wanted to quit, but couldn't, because my mom would not.

Sadly, it is true that you have to WANT to quit. It is so expensive and so unhealthy. Do all you can to push through the challenges of quitting, even if she won't. And insist that there is no smoking around children. EVER. Your kids need you, and you are shaving time off of your life with them. (Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I was in my 20's when my parents died. It sucked then, and it still sucks.)

You can't make her quit, but you can set an example and be healthy for your kids. And in the meantime, make it inconvenient for her.

I remember once I saw my grandmother after I had moved out of my parents home. When I hugged her, she told me how good I smelled. She told me how sad it always made her when she would hug me when I was small, and smelled like I had been in a bar. Boy, did that ever open my eyes to an outside perspective!

Whatever happens, best of luck to you!
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Making someone quit smoking is not an easy thing to do.My father kept smoking even after being diagnosed with Emphysema,he passed away.My sister kept smoking after being diagnosed with emphysema and she passed away 2yrs ago.I smoked once when I was in the army and in Vietnam,but I attributed that to being in combat.When I got home I immediately quit.So by your quitting she just might follow your example.If she can't see the detriment to your baby,nothing you can say will change her mind.She sounds very selfish.You would think that her being the younger partner and pregnant she would be more aware for her health.Wish you the best of luck.
I don't want to make her quit, I want he to do it on her own. I can quit easily as long as I'm not around it frequently.
 
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