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No. I didn't miss it at all.

My point was not about, blame, withholding sex, or previous grievances. It's about me not understanding why women act so surprise and hurt that their partner was all along getting it somewhere else.

That's what most spineless, dishonorable, piece of **** men do when they do not get it at home. REGARDLESS of the reasons why.
There, I fixed it for you.

I know many wonderful men who would never cheat regardless the reason.
 

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You females are living in a world of fantasy. You can idolized human nature, but it is what it is.
Go ahead keep dreaming.
So what you're saying is that all men lack integrity and will choose cheating over divorce in a sexless marriage situation? Really?
 

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So what you're saying is that all men lack integrity and will choose cheating over divorce in a sexless marriage situation? Really?
I can't speak for Rob, but I don't think he or anyone else would say that all men would cheat in a sexless marriage situation.

Some would get it elsewhere but remain in the marriage for a period of time for other reasons.

Some would divorce without cheating.

And many seem to just suck it up and live with it without either cheating or divorcing.

What I think is the take-away here however is that people, men and women, are ultimately going to seek to get their needs met. And that it is unrealistic to assume they are going to follow some Cosmic Rule Book that says when your spouse stops loving and desiring you, you must have 'X' amount of conversations and discussions about it and you must have 'Y' amount of years of MC and you must give fair warning of ultimatums and you must divorce first before making any type of search in finding someone else.

When someone stops loving and stops trying to meet the needs of their partner and the marriage becomes sexless for many months and years on end, all bets are off. The denied partner might play by the Cosmic Rule Book, but all people are human and there are no guarantees that that is exactly how it may go down.

That may be an inconvenient truth and it may make people uncomfortable and insecure and give them a gross feeling in their gut - but it is a reality nonetheless.

If you stop loving your partner and knowingly deny them, there are no guarantees that they are going to play by the rules.

That may not be 'right' and they may not have a free pass or get out of jail free card. But it is unrealistic to assume that they are just going take it laying down.
 

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There, I fixed it for you.

I know many wonderful men who would never cheat regardless the reason.
You can call him a slime ball because he cheated, no problem with that.

But the "Wonderful Men" that would never cheat no matter what the reason. Yeah, I would like to meet these men. I suspect that they are not really men, unless they had the balls to divorce first.

Now, if he was not happy in the marriage, he should have divorced, not cheated. And I will also say to OP, that while sex in marriage may not be a "right" it is certainly an expectation by most normal people.

Do all women think that they hold the last bastion of sex on earth? Where does that attitude come from? Do they think that "allowing" their husband to have sex with them is the be all end all sex in the world?

Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to have sex with them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage...
 

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Go get a divorce from this excuse for a husband, (you should have done this years ago, when you caught him cheating), bar him from coming to your house and cut all contact.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a POS who cheats on me with other women either, so no foul there. Just get rid of him, let his do what ever he wants somewhere else.
You can start a new life, get yourself new hair do, clothes, go to gym, start taking care of yourself. Without him around to destroy your self esteem, you will realise you have made the right choice. You do not need him in your life, let him go, the faster the better.
If your kids want to meet him, they do it elsewhere not in your house.
 

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@BluesPower

Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to have sex with them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage..

Could also rewrite as:

1 Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to treat them with respect, spend time with them and show you care for them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage..

You know it is not only about sex.
 

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@BluesPower

Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to have sex with them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage..

Could also rewrite as:

1 Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to treat them with respect, spend time with them and show you care for them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage..

You know it is not only about sex.
Exactly right, this is not only about sex. The situations can sometimes be complex, not so black and white and OP’s situation wasn’t black and white. Neither was mine. It was never about sex, which I love, for me. There was so much more going on. The lack of sex was a side affect of much larger more important issues we were facing.

I believe, at least for me, that it would be next to impossible to have sex with someone you don’t trust or with someone you outright dislike. I don’t believe normal healthy men would want to have sex with a spouse who they no longer like as a person either. With a dynamic like that sex is next to impossible but that doesn’t mean a magically easy solution suddenly appears, like just simply divorcing and neither does it mean that seeking sex outside of marraige becomes a right, not when the person going outside of the marriage is equally responsible for why there is no more sex in the first place.
 

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@BluesPower

Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to have sex with them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage..

Could also rewrite as:

1 Whatever happened to the following concept...1) you married the person because you loved them, 2) When you love someone, male or female, you should want to treat them with respect, spend time with them and show you care for them 3) to do otherwise will eventually lead to the end of the marriage..

You know it is not only about sex.
The thing is @aine is that it is not only NOT about sex either. And tell me where I said that the other things you mentioned should not exist? I don't believe that I did.

To me, just my opinion, your response sounds like a lot of women that think you are "Giving" sex to your husband.

That is not the way that it works, you and your H should be "Having" sex because you are in love with each other. Maybe you don't think that way, but understand that many woman do.

Conversely, if you are in love, you should automatically treat each other with love, respect, meeting or ALL needs, spend time together, be emotionally there for each other, be kind an caring for each other, the whole gambit. ALL of these things should be happening, because you are in love.

No one, should be there emotionally for someone because he or she expects to "Get" sex from her or him.

It is not about giving to get. It is about love, desire, support, and yes SEX.

You can have all the other things with your best friend, even if it is your H, but in a romantic monogamous marriage, you should only be having sex with your partner.

Sex is not a reward for being emotionally supportive, sex SHOULD be another part of the relationship, maybe a really important part, but still a part of the whole.

So no, it is not only about sex, but to assume that somehow sex is the special desert is foolish. Sex may in fact be the main course, or it may be just as important as the veggies, but either way SEX is as important as breathing to a marriage. To think otherwise is completely foolish...
 

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@BluesPower, agree with everything you said but there are also many men who put in very little effort in romancing their wives and still expect sex as their God given right.
To be honest if my husband is busy with work, golfing etc and gives me little time or attention, then there will be less inclination on my part to have sex with him. I think many men don’t get that part of the relationship, they are ready to go from 0 to 100 sexually but their wives are not because .their needs are not met.
 

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@BluesPower, agree with everything you said but there are also many men who put in very little effort in romancing their wives and still expect sex as their God given right.

To be honest if my husband is busy with work, golfing etc and gives me little time or attention, then there will be less inclination on my part to have sex with him. I think many men don’t get that part of the relationship, they are ready to go from 0 to 100 sexually but their wives are not because .their needs are not met.
I agree with this, for the most part. But lets say that H is really busy with work, he is stressed, work is rough, and he is really having a hard time.

Now, would you feel less inclined to have want to have sex because you are really not getting the attention that you want? Or, even when you are not getting what you want at that time, would it occur to you to cuddle him at bed time and initiate sex? Maybe you were just in the mood, or maybe you wanted him to know that you love him, and you want to feel him close to you and your WANT to make love to him?

You see, this is where lots of woman fall short in relationships and sex. You needs may not be getting met this week, so do you feel slighted? OR do you make an effort to feel close to your H?

Most would not, and this is the disconnect with, sorry, a huge percentage of women. In a situation where the man is the primary bread winner, and he still is there for his wife, supportive emotionally, and with his time, well everything is great.

But let him get into a rut, have a bad time at work, where he may be preoccupied and not as attentive as usual, well hell a lot of women pull out the WOMEN'S card and say, "Hey bud, I don't feel close to you, I am not turned on because you are not kissing my ass every 5 minutes".

How is that behavior not JUST AS BAD as any man who thinks he has a right to sex.

I do not believe sex should ever be an end game, it should be part of the relationship.

This is why I get so much grief for my thoughts about sex and relationships. Yes I am attentive with the women in my relationships, OK I spoil them, I like doing that.

But if I EVER was with a woman that thought she was doing me a favor by "GIVING" me sex, she would be out of my life in one second flat...
 

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@oldshirt. Thanks. That's exactly it. @Lila doesn't want to get it. She's focusing on the black and white of the situation.

Some men like myself leave before cheating. l left after 3 months of no sex and divorced. I wasn't going to go for seven years like OP's situation (lord seven years WTF).

Other men leave after years of begging. Other men they just analyze the situation and decide that they have to much to lose if they leave ( thanks your gender biased court system) because they know that if they leave they would get ****ed by the system, so they opt to stay but cheat.

Other men (the minority, but majority in these type of forums) are the KISA Martyrs that suffer in silence and take more or less the passive/agressive approach to it, while wallowing in self-pity, but no having the balls to be a man an make a decision. Instead they wither away hopping that the wife will change her mind, but the years pass, and it never happens.

This goes without saying same for women in sexless relationships.

The sad part of all of it it's that all these men/women love their partners, but eventually resentment replaces that love, and they are forced to take a decision (except for the KISA Martyrs).
 

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You can call him a slime ball because he cheated, no problem with that.

But the "Wonderful Men" that would never cheat no matter what the reason. Yeah, I would like to meet these men. I suspect that they are not really men, unless they had the balls to divorce first.
I never said or implied that men should continue in sexless marriages. What I did say is that men who choose to cheat ared ultimately weak of character and lack integrity. Those that choose a different path, such as divorce, are wonderful men.
 

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@oldshirt. Thanks. That's exactly it. @Lila doesn't want to get it. She's focusing on the black and white of the situation.
No @Rob_1, I get what @BluesPower and @oldshirt are saying. Unfortunately that's not what you were saying at all. The way you presented your post made is sound like you were excusing cheating. It sounded like "all men will cheat if their wives fail to **** them on the regular". And that's simply not true. What is correct to say is "ladies, if you are married to a weak ass man who lacks integrity (and 9 out of 10 times can't communicate worth a crap), then don't be surprised if he cheats on you.

It's a slippery slope when we start blaming the betrayed spouse and excusing the cheater. Most men see sex as the end all be all of a marriage. I could say the same of women seeing emotional connection as the end all be all. If we start putting the responsibility for a husband's affair due to lack of sex on the wife, then we need to start putting the responsibility of a wife's affair due to lack of emotional intimacy/attention on the husband.
 

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I agree with this, for the most part. But lets say that H is really busy with work, he is stressed, work is rough, and he is really having a hard time.

Now, would you feel less inclined to have want to have sex because you are really not getting the attention that you want? Or, even when you are not getting what you want at that time, would it occur to you to cuddle him at bed time and initiate sex? Maybe you were just in the mood, or maybe you wanted him to know that you love him, and you want to feel him close to you and your WANT to make love to him?

Of course if he is having a rough time Ill be there to hear him out, etc Mine normally doesn't want sex if he is preoccupied with work, which is a bummer for me, read my other threads

You see, this is where lots of woman fall short in relationships and sex. You needs may not be getting met this week, so do you feel slighted? OR do you make an effort to feel close to your H?
I also dont get why is seems to always fall on the woman to be the 'keeper' of the marriage or relationship in 90% of the time. Why should she make an effort to feel close to her husband, when he it the one who wants that closeness?
I have learned to take care of my own emotional needs due to years of emotional neglect, so I don't really feel any need to feel close to my H. My girlfriends meet my emotional needs. He complains occasionally that I can be cold. Well it is what it is, I didn't start off that way. Though if I am honest, I get on well with my husband now more than ever, but that is partly because I do whatever pleases me, no longer putting him first in everything. I learnt from the master.
Many woman I know in long term marriages have settled for little or no attention (neglect) due to stress, work loads, business travelling, golf, etc, though sex is still on the table. It is what it is.

But to pontificate about woman falling short all the time, is beginning to piss me off Blue because many men I know fall way way short but still expect to be treated like kings when they walk through the door. I am talking about long term marriages here, friends that I and my H know.

Most would not, and this is the disconnect with, sorry, a huge percentage of women. I could also write loads of conjecture too, cause that is all this is, unless you have lived with a huge percentage of women? In a situation where the man is the primary bread winner, and he still is there for his wife, supportive emotionally, and with his time, well everything is great. When my H was the primary bw, I bent over backwards to be everything to him, but the same practice was not reciprocated when I went to work. i still did everything at home, with kids and worked. That soon got old and I got cold, plus his working late, out with clients, etc.

But let him get into a rut, have a bad time at work, where he may be preoccupied and not as attentive as usual, well hell a lot of women pull out the WOMEN'S card and say, "Hey bud, I don't feel close to you, I am not turned on because you are not kissing my ass every 5 minutes". That's a huge assumption and a crock of BS. No woman wants a man kissing her ass every 5 minutes, come on, if he'd kiss it once every month, that would be something!

Honestly Blue, your posts annoy me no end, :smile2: Your views on women are really skewed, I don't know what lens you are looking through but it sounds like one of hurt and resentment. I know you admire the male of the species but it might be time to take of the rose colored spectacles when it comes to me. They are not blameless in these type of scenarios.

How is that behavior not JUST AS BAD as any man who thinks he has a right to sex.

I do not believe sex should ever be an end game, it should be part of the relationship.

This is why I get so much grief for my thoughts about sex and relationships. Yes I am attentive with the women in my relationships, OK I spoil them, I like doing that.

But if I EVER was with a woman that thought she was doing me a favor by "GIVING" me sex, she would be out of my life in one second flat...
 

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Hope never makes one an idiot, it is an essential step for trusting ourselves to believe that good can come from the situation or challenge we face... but there comes a time when we understand where hope ends, and it can with mindful purpose, it is only a closing door that feeds a new option for change.

We are volunteers in our relationships... I say this because love cannot be bartered, it is either voluntarily present without coercion or it is proclaimed for selfish reasons and actions to fill voids where they exist. If you love yourself more, you will never lie, cheat, or take anything without permission from the one you are with. You cannot say "since I am married I will do/not do these things". That sounds a contract void of the strong emotions of really caring of another.

You know he is not truthful and as nice as amicable sounds, anyone who treats you with such disregard will only be threatened when control is taken from them. You are still dependent on him financially... time to make sure you are taken care of there so please seek out an attorney that can guide you though making sure you have your fair division of marital investments. Mediators cost far less, but that depends on how bound he is to wanting more than his fair share of the assets.

That said, you cannot keep him from coming around because for now it is his home too... what you can do is prepare yourself for maintaining your calm when he does.

No long discussions, no unkind engagements... keep it simple and make this promise to yourself:

On behalf of myself and all beings,
I intend to refrain from consciously hurting anyone.
I intend to refrain from overtly or covertly taking what is not mine.
I intend to be sure that my speech is kind as well as true.
I intend to refrain from addictive behaviors that confuse my mind and lead to heedlessness.

A few phrases to remove any codependent behavior when conversation seems manipulative by the other:

*I'm sorry you feel that way.
*I see things differently.
*I’m not okay with x (whatever "x" may be).

This is not being anything more than being kind... buffer everything with momentary kindness that provides you the inner strength to show he cannot take away the choices YOU choose and walk away without reacting to the chaos he has depended on.
 

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So what you're saying is that all men lack integrity and will choose cheating over divorce in a sexless marriage situation? Really?
They also lack any kind of restraint and must hump something if they’re ‘not getting it,’ it seems. I did not know that men have no self- control. News to me. :grin2::grin2:
 
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