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Hi, I have been with my husband 33 years - married for 30 of them. We have 2 grown up children living at home (30 and 22) and a 3 year old granddaughter also living at home (i am her full- time carer ehile my son is at work) I am 51, my husband is 55.
For 33 years I have been totally faithful, I have stood by my husband through affairs (mostly online), unemployment, PTSD, alcohol and drug issues. I myself suffer severe depression and anxiety. I lost my mum when i was 10 and my dad 9 years ago.
I think I have abandonment issues and that is why i had put up with my husbands **** for so long, i cling onto things that make me feel safe. Due to his previous cheating and my depression and meds we havent had sex in 7 years. I understand his need to be fulfilled sexually but i just cannot provide that at the moment.
Last week i found a profile of his on a swingers forum, with some **** pics and laying bare all the things he wants to do etc. The profile was made a year ago but he still had notifications for it (that's how i found it - yeah i 'snooped' (as he put it)). I challenged him about the profile and he was (obv) defensive, then said he wanted to have an open relationship so he can have sex with people as i cant give it to him and he NEEDS sex. So i asked him if his **** meant more to him than his family and home. I guess the answer was yes as he has left.
I dont know if I'm angry or sad or relieved or what. Looking after a 3 year old means i have barely had the time to think it through.
He is not the person i thought i knew, i am repulsed at what i saw, but i am a realist and as he said - most men would have left years ago.
He says i am still his best friend and wants to maintain that just not be together and he doesnt want a divorce. So he gets to move out, have peace and quiet, shag around, do whatever, come back to his home when he wants.
He told my daughter earlier that he feels 'chilled' because he's not bull****ting himself anymore.
I am totally crushed, I need advice on where i go from here 馃槥
Sorry for the long post
 

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What do you want to happen @Fifi67? You have several choices. You can

a) remain married with the understanding that you both work through your issues so that you can have a mutually satisfying relationship. This would require you work to meet his needs (sexual) just as he would need to work to make you feel safe in the relationship.

b) accept his proposition of an open marriage

c) divorce. Split your assets and debts and you each move on living the kind of life you want independently.

I would not recommend b and if you choose c, then you cut all ties. There's no such thing as a ex-wife BFF.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Im not able (psychologically and physically) to meet his sexual demands. We went through this 2 years ago when he cheated, but to me the trust is broken and i cant have sex (even if i wanted to) with someone who has betrayed me.
I couldn't deal with an open relationship and i told him this.
I know in my heart of hearts that we will never get back together, but part of me is so angry that he wants to have his cake and still have me around for support.
I have always been there for him no matter what so i want to be unavailable to him now, but it makes me feel petty.
He knows that because of my depression etc that i am practically housebound too. So he's pretty much assured I'm not going to be off with another man.
Am i being a mug wanting this to be amicable? Its almost like im trying to make it less painful for him? I dont understand myself.
 

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Read the book Codependent No More.

It will likely be enlightening.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
 

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Hi, I have been with my husband 33 years - married for 30 of them. We have 2 grown up children living at home (30 and 22) and a 3 year old granddaughter also living at home (i am her full- time carer ehile my son is at work) I am 51, my husband is 55.
For 33 years I have been totally faithful, I have stood by my husband through affairs (mostly online), unemployment, PTSD, alcohol and drug issues. I myself suffer severe depression and anxiety. I lost my mum when i was 10 and my dad 9 years ago.
I think I have abandonment issues and that is why i had put up with my husbands **** for so long, i cling onto things that make me feel safe. Due to his previous cheating and my depression and meds we havent had sex in 7 years. I understand his need to be fulfilled sexually but i just cannot provide that at the moment.
Last week i found a profile of his on a swingers forum, with some **** pics and laying bare all the things he wants to do etc. The profile was made a year ago but he still had notifications for it (that's how i found it - yeah i 'snooped' (as he put it)). I challenged him about the profile and he was (obv) defensive, then said he wanted to have an open relationship so he can have sex with people as i cant give it to him and he NEEDS sex. So i asked him if his **** meant more to him than his family and home. I guess the answer was yes as he has left.
I dont know if I'm angry or sad or relieved or what. Looking after a 3 year old means i have barely had the time to think it through.
He is not the person i thought i knew, i am repulsed at what i saw, but i am a realist and as he said - most men would have left years ago.
He says i am still his best friend and wants to maintain that just not be together and he doesnt want a divorce. So he gets to move out, have peace and quiet, shag around, do whatever, come back to his home when he wants.
He told my daughter earlier that he feels 'chilled' because he's not bull****ting himself anymore.
I am totally crushed, I need advice on where i go from here 馃槥
Sorry for the long post
Sounds to me like he has been living in an open relationship for some time--swinging even--beware of STDs. He is NOT your friend, so why would you want to be his best friend? No one wants a sexual relationship with a cheater. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are in your state. Talk to your adult children--it is time for them to help you, not expect you to take care of them and their child. You have good years of your life left--better years if you take action and take care of yourself.
 

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Hi, I have been with my husband 33 years - married for 30 of them. We have 2 grown up children living at home (30 and 22) and a 3 year old granddaughter also living at home (i am her full- time carer ehile my son is at work) I am 51, my husband is 55.
For 33 years I have been totally faithful, I have stood by my husband through affairs (mostly online), unemployment, PTSD, alcohol and drug issues. I myself suffer severe depression and anxiety. I lost my mum when i was 10 and my dad 9 years ago.
I think I have abandonment issues and that is why i had put up with my husbands **** for so long, i cling onto things that make me feel safe. Due to his previous cheating and my depression and meds we havent had sex in 7 years. I understand his need to be fulfilled sexually but i just cannot provide that at the moment.
Last week i found a profile of his on a swingers forum, with some **** pics and laying bare all the things he wants to do etc. The profile was made a year ago but he still had notifications for it (that's how i found it - yeah i 'snooped' (as he put it)). I challenged him about the profile and he was (obv) defensive, then said he wanted to have an open relationship so he can have sex with people as i cant give it to him and he NEEDS sex. So i asked him if his **** meant more to him than his family and home. I guess the answer was yes as he has left.
I dont know if I'm angry or sad or relieved or what. Looking after a 3 year old means i have barely had the time to think it through.
He is not the person i thought i knew, i am repulsed at what i saw, but i am a realist and as he said - most men would have left years ago.
He says i am still his best friend and wants to maintain that just not be together and he doesnt want a divorce. So he gets to move out, have peace and quiet, shag around, do whatever, come back to his home when he wants.
He told my daughter earlier that he feels 'chilled' because he's not bull****ting himself anymore.
I am totally crushed, I need advice on where i go from here 馃槥
Sorry for the long post
Dear I am sorry, but do you really think that you can deprive a healthy male of sex for 7 years and he is not going to get it somewhere else?

Do you really think that? I am so sorry for the things that you are going through, I really am.

But honestly you should be happy that he stayed as long as he did.

If you need therapy in order to deal with your issues, I really hope that you can deal with them.

I do not excuse his cheating, but it is kind of obvious that you have and continue to have issues with sex or maybe it was just your husband.

But whichever, you need to deal with what is happening and try to be strong for your grand child.

It is time to start a new life, without him...
 

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I have stood by my husband through affairs (mostly online), unemployment, PTSD, alcohol and drug issues.
Did this happen before you marriage became sexless or after? Either way this was probably the sign that the marriage was over. If it was before I wish you would have sought help before this happened, I also wish you husband was honorable enough to end the marriage before he cheated.

If this contributed to the sexlessness then I don't blame you. You didn't feel safe after that. At the end of the day maybe it's better for you either way. I think you need to morn and heal but know your life is NOT over you can get over this and you will. You can still have a great life.

I would suggest if you are going to try to find love again you work on whatever it is that prevents you from wanting to have sex as most healthy men are not going to want to be in that kind of marriage.

I'm sorry that you are suffering just don't assume that this man is your only path to happiness. That's a lie. You can and will be happy again without him.
 

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BluesPower
Dear I am sorry, but do you really think that you can deprive a healthy male of sex for 7 years and he is not going to get it somewhere else?


Your h should have never cheated and should have gotten counseling about his previous affair and other personal issues. Maybe you should have divorced years ago.

I am with BluesPower on this one.
 

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I don't understand women that for many YEARS don't have sex with their partner and expect the man to be by their side content as a fed dog.

Healthy in their prime men with a least a normal sexual appetite will not go without sex. Either you provide or they'll get it somewhere else. It's just nature, everything else is irrelevant.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I agree we should have split up years ago but we didnt. I never expected him to be happy without sex. He assured me he could live with it while i was getting help for my mental health and physical problems. Like an idiot i believed him- i thought i knew him. The sex issues happened AFTER online affairs that occurred while he was experiencing PTSD and I understood his head wasnt in the right place.
Also I don't believe sex is a 'right' that men can have whenever they want. It takes two people and mutual respect etc - he never respected me and his actions made me lose respect for him. I didnt seek another man to fill the emotional void that he wasnt providing for me because i was married to him and stuck by him.
I dont expect anyone else to understand, i got help for my mental health problems but it was focussed on not committing suicide rather than getting over past abuses and jumping his bones to make him happy.
If he didnt want to stay he should have left years ago rather than lie to me.
I am in a calmer place today and accept that it's over - however, him coming round and wanting to be 'friends' is not something i can deal with atm.
I dont even make sense to myself right now- ive rambled too long
 

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Hi, I have been with my husband 33 years - married for 30 of them. We have 2 grown up children living at home (30 and 22) and a 3 year old granddaughter also living at home (i am her full- time carer ehile my son is at work) I am 51, my husband is 55.
For 33 years I have been totally faithful, I have stood by my husband through affairs (mostly online), unemployment, PTSD, alcohol and drug issues. I myself suffer severe depression and anxiety. I lost my mum when i was 10 and my dad 9 years ago.
I think I have abandonment issues and that is why i had put up with my husbands **** for so long, i cling onto things that make me feel safe. Due to his previous cheating and my depression and meds we havent had sex in 7 years. I understand his need to be fulfilled sexually but i just cannot provide that at the moment.
Last week i found a profile of his on a swingers forum, with some **** pics and laying bare all the things he wants to do etc. The profile was made a year ago but he still had notifications for it (that's how i found it - yeah i 'snooped' (as he put it)). I challenged him about the profile and he was (obv) defensive, then said he wanted to have an open relationship so he can have sex with people as i cant give it to him and he NEEDS sex. So i asked him if his **** meant more to him than his family and home. I guess the answer was yes as he has left.
I dont know if I'm angry or sad or relieved or what. Looking after a 3 year old means i have barely had the time to think it through.
He is not the person i thought i knew, i am repulsed at what i saw, but i am a realist and as he said - most men would have left years ago.
He says i am still his best friend and wants to maintain that just not be together and he doesnt want a divorce. So he gets to move out, have peace and quiet, shag around, do whatever, come back to his home when he wants.
He told my daughter earlier that he feels 'chilled' because he's not bull****ting himself anymore.
I am totally crushed, I need advice on where i go from here 馃槥
Sorry for the long post
Most men would have left years ago. Yeah, right! Although as your husband isn't really a man, how would he know about that? :rolleyes:
 

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I don't understand women that for many YEARS don't have sex with their partner and expect the man to be by their side content as a fed dog.

Healthy in their prime men with a least a normal sexual appetite will not go without sex. Either you provide or they'll get it somewhere else. It's just nature, everything else is irrelevant.
Did you miss the part where he broke her heart by cheating on her, plus the other stuff?
 

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I don't understand women that for many YEARS don't have sex with their partner and expect the man to be by their side content as a fed dog.

Healthy in their prime men with a least a normal sexual appetite will not go without sex. Either you provide or they'll get it somewhere else. It's just nature, everything else is irrelevant.
Did you miss the part where he broke her heart by cheating on her, plus the other stuff?
I doubt he missed it. This is par for the course. Women are always the villian.
 

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I am in a calmer place today and accept that it's over - however, him coming round and wanting to be 'friends' is not something i can deal with atm.
That is fair. It helps if you two can be cooperative and compassionate towards each other. But there is nothing that says you have to be 'friends' or that you have to accept him coming into your home whenever he feels like it.

It's OK to seek divorce for your own peace of mind and disengage yourself from him in your life.

The only reason he isn't divorcing you is because a divorce would cost him some money and would likely cause him to lose a good chunk of his 401k and probably have to pay you spousal support.

If he is actually able to get sex on the side with others and he doesn't have to divorce you then he won't.

But do be advised that the moment he falls for someone else and that person wants him to herself and insists that he divorce, he will be in his lawyers office that day and will file as soon as the papers are ready.

You would be wise to start seeking legal and financial advise ASAP. This whole "friends" thing is not going to last long.

You will need to protect yourself and your rights to your fair share of the marital assets and property. You are on borrowed time here.
 

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Did you miss the part where he broke her heart by cheating on her, plus the other stuff?
She had the right to dump him after he cheated. (Still does)

She had the right to dump him and she also had the right to seek effective means of reconciliation and continue the marriage in a healthy and functional way for both of them.

She chose to remain married even though he cheated even though the marriage was clearly not working for either one of them.

He could have left as well.

There is no winner here and there is no Good Guy in this. It is sad all the way around.

But yes, at the end of the day it is unrealistic to expect any healthy person to simply exist in a loveless and sexless marriage.

Most men, including myself, would have left many years ago and I assume most women would have also left many years ago as well if their husband had completely rejected them indefinitely.

At this point there is no benefit of pointing fingers either way as long as this completely dysfunctional situation ends and each person can move forward and find health and contentment in their own life.

I don't want to think of this as 33 years down the drain for the OP but rather a new beginning and no opportunity for her to regain her health and happiness going forward.
 

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No. I didn't miss it at all.

My point was not about, blame, withholding sex, or previous grievances. It's about me not understanding why women act so surprise and hurt that their partner was all along getting it somewhere else.

That's what most men do when they do not get it at home. REGARDLESS of the reasons why.
 

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Fifi67,

You asked where you go from here. Make an appointment with a lawyer and learn your rights. That will help clear your head a bit and take away a bit of fear. You don't have to divorce him just because you talked with a lawyer.

Rest assured, however that since he is shopping around for women to have sex, he will eventually decide to divorce you to marry one of them.

You really need to know your rights and start getting your ducks in a row, so you aren't blind sided and totally taken advantage of.

It is time that you stop being a faithful victim, and start taking action for your own future.
 

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I agree we should have split up years ago but we didnt. I never expected him to be happy without sex.
If you didn't expect that he would be happy, then what did you foresee to be the eventual course of your marriage? I'm not really understanding what you thought would happen.
 
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