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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
I've been separated from my wife since the 6th December after 30 years and 7 months of what i thought was a happy marriage and 3 children together.

When i first got together with my wife she was living with another man although we were all much younger back then. However because of how we got together i always used to say to her if ever you fall out of love with me please do the right thing and leave me please don't cheat on me as i couldn't handle it, not only did she promise throughout our marriage she would do the right thing she always told me she loved me and always lead me and everyone else to believe our marriage was rock solid.

She told me on the 6th December that she was leaving me for another man who she had cheated on me with to my horror, not only did she leave the family home but she left our youngest daughter at home on her own to be with this other man as she's an adult. However as daughter was frightened living on her own i came back to the family home as i didn't want her in the house on her own feeling scared.

He is someone we both knew from our younger days but hadn't seen for years but apparently he had been coming into the DIY store where she works.

Due to the circumstances meaning the coldness she showed towards me when i had thought she was not only my wife but my best friend and soulmate i did all the wrong things which resulted in her getting a 2 year restraining order against me.

It's as if our 30 odd years together meant nothing and that my children and i didn't exist as she couldn't leave the house fast enough to be with this low life of a man.

My eldest daughter who i don't get on with is quite happy about the situation and is in contact with her mom however my other 2 grown up children want nothing to do with her which to be honest is one of the few things that keep me going.

Next week the 6th May will be what would have been our 31st wedding anniversary and i'm devastated as i've no doubt when the day comes i'll be in floods of tears whilst my wife will be having sex with this other man and they'll be telling each other how much they love one another enjoying their life together.

I know i'm supposed to get on with my life and forget about it but i just can't get it out of my head, i've given her the best years of my life, when we got together although i'm a shorty i had a thick head of dark hair, a six pack and had my pick of women. Here i am now with a bald head and whats left of my hair is grey, i have massive trust issues and it takes all my strength not to do some serious damage to this other man because when i has given my restraining order the judge told me where they live which i didn't know at the time.
 

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Oh my. I’m so so sorry. This is totally awful for you. Time is the only healer and boy does it hurt. I’ve been there. He played me. Lead me to believe it was all ok and happy and bang! Next thing it’s over. His cheating all came to surface and chosen whores over his 7 month old daughter basically. She will be 2 next month and time is the only thing that gets you by. Grieve it properly and you will come strong trust me.
The children will keep you going and distracted. I know it’s hard as it’s an important date but try arrange things to side your mind on it. I had to do all the firsts alone and it was unbearable. Now I’m on all the seconds and past the date thing I don’t give it anymore thought like I did the first time around.
She may be laying in bed with him yes, but that will be very short lived. Honeymoon period won’t last and the realisation of her own kids not wanting anything to do with her will one day crash on her. They do act like they don’t care. It’s the guilt I think. It does crash. I’ve seen it now myself later down the line... at the time I couldn’t understand how not a care was given but it’s ego and what goes up must come down and usually that takes some time but it does.

my best advise is stay healthy and focused on you and your children. You will be ok and come out stronger. Time is on your side. Grieve this properly. Take the time to heal and really focus on you. you won’t see it now but one day you will look back and say how did I get through that and you will be standing somewhere nice and feeling good about your life again when it does.

And let me tell you this... karma does work In Very very funny ways. I’m seeing now how karma catches up with these kind of people and oh how sweet it is to watch

take care & stay focused xx
 

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I'm sorry to read about your situation. I hope you find 1 or 2 productive projects that you can put your mind on. Decluttering, maybe your local library has tutorials on line.
 

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First of all, I'm sorry and that sucks. You got the rug pulled out from under you by someone that was supposed to be your life partner and that is totally brutal.

But secondly, can you help me understand what you did here?
i did all the wrong things which resulted in her getting a 2 year restraining order against me.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
First of all, I'm sorry and that sucks. You got the rug pulled out from under you by someone that was supposed to be your life partner and that is totally brutal.

But secondly, can you help me understand what you did here?

Basically to justify her cheating my wife has told a lot of lies about our relationship which in turn ended up causing hostility between us which accumulated in me getting a 2 year restraining order against me as i went to her place of work to try and get some answers to questions that my youngest daughter and myself had asked but got no reply.

However once she spotted my works vehicle she contacted her works and got 2 men from the store to escort her into work rather than getting either the police or security to remove me, this is something that she knew would wind me up as i had already told her during a phone call when she mentioned coming round to the house with a man for protection to get some belongings that if some man comes around to my house that i would kick off, to cut to the chase i was holding my wife by her lapel so she couldn't move and in the end there were about 6 or more men involved which only fired me up even more and although i tried to control myself at one point i grabbed her throat for a few seconds after she said to me "what are you going to do then" during some of our heated words and at another point i pulled her head back by her hair all of which i'm very ashamed of and deeply regret, the ironic thing is i didn't actually know where they lived until the judge told me otherwise i would have seriously hurt her new man and got into even more trouble.

I'm the first to admit i do have a bit of a temper however in the 30 plus years we were together i never hit her or anything like that and i don't go around hitting women but i was in such a dark place when i went to her works that although i controlled myself to some degree it wasn't enough, as i said this is something i'm not proud of and i am in the process of getting counselling.
 

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Basically to justify her cheating my wife has told a lot of lies about our relationship which in turn ended up causing hostility between us which accumulated in me getting a 2 year restraining order against me as i went to her place of work to try and get some answers to questions that my youngest daughter and myself had asked but got no reply.

However once she spotted my works vehicle she contacted her works and got 2 men from the store to escort her into work rather than getting either the police or security to remove me, this is something that she knew would wind me up as i had already told her during a phone call when she mentioned coming round to the house with a man for protection to get some belongings that if some man comes around to my house that i would kick off, to cut to the chase i was holding my wife by her lapel so she couldn't move and in the end there were about 6 or more men involved which only fired me up even more and although i tried to control myself at one point i grabbed her throat for a few seconds after she said to me "what are you going to do then" during some of our heated words and at another point i pulled her head back by her hair all of which i'm very ashamed of and deeply regret, the ironic thing is i didn't actually know where they lived until the judge told me otherwise i would have seriously hurt her new man and got into even more trouble.

I'm the first to admit i do have a bit of a temper however in the 30 plus years we were together i never hit her or anything like that and i don't go around hitting women but i was in such a dark place when i went to her works that although i controlled myself to some degree it wasn't enough, as i said this is something i'm not proud of and i am in the process of getting counselling.
I understand your anger and being upset. You know you took it way to far. You are lucky that no criminal charges were brought against you. It's important that you do everything necessary to keep yourself from getting to that point again.

It sounds like you avoid her now which is good. Is there any communication between you and her at all now?

Right now you need to make your life about taking care of yourself and your two daughters who are supportive of you.

Are you at home these days due to COVID-19? Or are you still working? Are your two daughters living with you?
 

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Welcome to the club where we ruminate endlessly about what happened, why and where did we go wrong. How do I know? Cause it took me about 8 years of thinking it through.

I hope it doesn't take you that long, and like others say, it does get better with time.

I dont know that you ever really get over it, especially after 31 years, but it usually goes from obsessing every day to thinking about it several times a week to thinking every once in a while.
Then eventually you realize it doesn't hurt so much anymore and you find yourself only pondering things now and then.

Like lostgirl said, time is your best friend.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
I understand your anger and being upset. You know you took it way to far. You are lucky that no criminal charges were brought against you. It's important that you do everything necessary to keep yourself from getting to that point again.

It sounds like you avoid her now which is good. Is there any communication between you and her at all now?

Right now you need to make your life about taking care of yourself and your two daughters who are supportive of you.

Are you at home these days due to COVID-19? Or are you still working? Are your two daughters living with you?
I was arrested and kept in a cell overnight before being charged with assault and i had to pay a fine. I have 2 daughters and a son, my youngest daughter lives with me and my son supports me but I'm not in contact with my eldest daughter who spent Christmas day with her mom and the man who helped to destroy our family.
As I said I'm not proud of my actions but at the same time how is it that a woman can have unprotected sex and risk passing a disease on to me. Instead of doing the right thing and leaving me when she no longer loved me.
I would have told her I love her when I woke to get ready for work, when I got to work I would have sent her an I love you flirty txt which I did every day when I got to work.
She would have replied to my txt whilst she was having a bath and making herself all pretty before driving my car to a hotel with this man and having sex.
Then on the same night she would have snuggled up to me and told me she loved me.
I can't believe that the man she left me for didn't have the guts to see me face to face.
Yet if I want to divorce her it will cost me the innocent party twice as much as her.
She has been able to cheat, lie and put this low life before her own children without a care in the world for anyone but herself and no repercussions what so ever.
I almost hung myself to rid myself of the pain I've felt and I'm only here now as my son got to the family home just as I was in the process of hanging myself.
Both my youngest daughter and myself are on antidepressants while my unfaithful wife is enjoying the honeymoon period with her new man.
 

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If your state doesn't, or is a no fault give her what she has she has to have then, rebuild your new life. She isn't worth you doing self harm over. Then seek some individual counseling/IC and get in some meds to help you through this only.

If you have belief in a greater power get with a pastor and get some Bible studies in your time of sorrow. But never ever think that you have no where to turn to we are here for you and there are many who have been in your place and have found out their is life after divorce. Some of the good things you are doing us....

YOU are, Not laying down and letting her walk over you.
You have children who love you.
You need to do the grey rock method.
Do the 180 also, As described here on TAM.
You need to value yourself, first as you probably have not done in years.
Need to eat healthy and get rest.
No booze,
Watch entertaining programs.
Get new clothes.

Get with the Best Shark Divorce lawyer.
Separate you banking funds,
Maybe even move sell your home if too many memories.
Take down everything she hanged or decorated the home with (rent a storage shed and take her trash their pay for one month give her the key. And then it's on her.

Come here after to vent and unload, what's on your mind. We will help you no doubt.

Change your phone# don't give it to her all talking through your lawyer. Inform the kids of the same or just block her on your phone.
 

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Well now you know who she really is.

you sure you really want that?

divorce her! She doesn’t deserve you!

Keep your self respect and get busy living a happy life!
 

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I was arrested and kept in a cell overnight before being charged with assault and i had to pay a fine. I have 2 daughters and a son, my youngest daughter lives with me and my son supports me but I'm not in contact with my eldest daughter who spent Christmas day with her mom and the man who helped to destroy our family.
As I said I'm not proud of my actions but at the same time how is it that a woman can have unprotected sex and risk passing a disease on to me. Instead of doing the right thing and leaving me when she no longer loved me.
I would have told her I love her when I woke to get ready for work, when I got to work I would have sent her an I love you flirty txt which I did every day when I got to work.
She would have replied to my txt whilst she was having a bath and making herself all pretty before driving my car to a hotel with this man and having sex.
Then on the same night she would have snuggled up to me and told me she loved me.
I can't believe that the man she left me for didn't have the guts to see me face to face.
Yet if I want to divorce her it will cost me the innocent party twice as much as her.
She has been able to cheat, lie and put this low life before her own children without a care in the world for anyone but herself and no repercussions what so ever.
I almost hung myself to rid myself of the pain I've felt and I'm only here now as my son got to the family home just as I was in the process of hanging myself.
Both my youngest daughter and myself are on antidepressants while my unfaithful wife is enjoying the honeymoon period with her new man.
I am sure this is a hard time for you with your anniversary. But you need to stop letting your mind ruminate like this.

Your wife is no longer the person you were married to. She has changed and not for the better.

Start taking very good care of yourself. You should get into some individual counseling to help you deal with this.
 

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Your anniversaries stopped at 30. As a wife, she is dead to you--she left the marriage. Do not let her live rent free in your head. Every time you start dwelling on this situation, tell yourself to STOP and picture a stop sign. Immediately do something that you have planned to do the next time this happened. That is, plan ahead, do not wait for the heat/emotion of the moment to be caught in the 'if only' trap.

When you lose your temper, you are giving your control to the other person/s. Do not make excuses. Use the energy generated by your anger to do something productive. Or go exercise--run, lift weights, climb, etc. Eventually you will understand that forgiveness is for you. Anger is like acid, it eats the vessel that holds it.

If she has guilt, it will contribute to her unhappiness. If she has no guilt, that makes a statement about her lack of integrity. You can not 'fix' her. You can fix yourself. Continue to do this. Be a good example for the two of your kids. There is a reason your oldest daughter stands by her mom. What is it?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Your anniversaries stopped at 30. As a wife, she is dead to you--she left the marriage. Do not let her live rent free in your head. Every time you start dwelling on this situation, tell yourself to STOP and picture a stop sign. Immediately do something that you have planned to do the next time this happened. That is, plan ahead, do not wait for the heat/emotion of the moment to be caught in the 'if only' trap.

When you lose your temper, you are giving your control to the other person/s. Do not make excuses. Use the energy generated by your anger to do something productive. Or go exercise--run, lift weights, climb, etc. Eventually you will understand that forgiveness is for you. Anger is like acid, it eats the vessel that holds it.

If she has guilt, it will contribute to her unhappiness. If she has no guilt, that makes a statement about her lack of integrity. You can not 'fix' her. You can fix yourself. Continue to do this. Be a good example for the two of your kids. There is a reason your oldest daughter stands by her mom. What is it?
My eldest daughter and I don't get on it's a long story but basically we haven't got on since she was roughly 11 years old.
The mistake we made was thinking she was mature enough to use the internet where she in my eyes was brain washed.
We found out recently that she has some kind of personality disorder which in my day was unheard or I would have treated her differently. Believe it or not she's actually a school teacher and teaches little ones.
We have had numerous issues over the year's and whenever she's hit rock bottom we've took her in and I have defended her but all it would take would be a little squabble and she would drag up the past and throw it in my face.
I have so many different stories of the problems she's caused us over the year's so I'm not going to list them but let's just say she wasn't there for me even once during the break up and I know that not only will she be happy to see me suffer she will use our break up to be the centre of attention herself because that's how she is.
 

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My eldest daughter and I don't get on it's a long story but basically we haven't got on since she was roughly 11 years old.
The mistake we made was thinking she was mature enough to use the internet where she in my eyes was brain washed.
We found out recently that she has some kind of personality disorder which in my day was unheard or I would have treated her differently. Believe it or not she's actually a school teacher and teaches little ones.
We have had numerous issues over the year's and whenever she's hit rock bottom we've took her in and I have defended her but all it would take would be a little squabble and she would drag up the past and throw it in my face.
I have so many different stories of the problems she's caused us over the year's so I'm not going to list them but let's just say she wasn't there for me even once during the break up and I know that not only will she be happy to see me suffer she will use our break up to be the centre of attention herself because that's how she is.
There will always be some children to fall far from the nest. There is not a lot a parent can do when this happens... well except for to love your other children.

So... what are you doing these days for yourself, to take care of yourself?
 

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There will always be some children to fall far from the nest. There is not a lot a parent can do when this happens... well except for to love your other children.

So... what are you doing these days for yourself, to take care of yourself?
i have been taking 100mgs of Sertraline a day since December and i've been having counselling, the problem is my ex is constantly on my mind. Whilst she was cheating on me behind my back we even visited old friends who we hadn't seen for a few years who live in a lovely place near the sea and had what i thought was a really great weekend full of laughter.
I have so many amazing memories that pop up in to my mind and it makes my stomach churn knowing that she's saying that she hasn't loved me for years and it's all been fake, all i know for sure is that she could win an Oscar for her performance as she fooled my children and me that we were happy and in love for years.
I just wished she had left me rather than cheating on me as it now means we can't be friends in fact we can't even be in the same room together so when our children get married or have children themselves we won't be able to enjoy it as a family, she's left me a broken man as i trusted her completely and she betrayed me leaving me with massive trust issues as i'll never trust another person as long as i live.
 

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knowing that she's saying that she hasn't loved me for years and it's all been fake, all i know for sure is that she could win an Oscar for her performance as she fooled my children and me that we were happy and in love for years.
Do let this bother you. SHE is re-writing your marriage history to make it "OK" that she cheated. Very likely she DID love you in those earlier times. Once she started having her affair, she HAD to keep "playing nice" to fool you.
This is 100% on HER -- SHE is the one who cheated. YES, you feel bad and betrayed -- who wouldn't? BUT this is NOT your fault.
 

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Thanks for your kind words jlg07 i can't help but feel like a complete fool all the people who know us must think i'm a laughing stock.
I obviously must have made her unhappy for her to look elsewhere and i'm the first to admit i'm far from perfect, but i really thought she would speak up if she wasn't happy rather than live a lie telling me that she loved me and that we were rock solid and then to cheat on me knowing it would really hurt me. I didn't feel this bad when my own parents past away and all for a person who thinks i'm worthless.
 
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