[unconnected]

after 30 years (25 married) of being in a stable relationship and having just seen the last of our children leave home i have finally discovered 'love'. The problem is that it is not for my wife! In truth for the last 10 years or so I have felt unconnected to my wife and have been looking for romantic affection with other women. After a few non physical 'friendships' I finally met a woman 3 years ago and experienced that feeling I last had when I was a teenager! We met and mostly talked and dreamt of a future together. At the time we decided it could not go any further as we were both in marriages with children. Two years later our mutual unhappiness has not ended and our attraction for one another is stronger than ever. We have started meeting again and we are now both talking seriously of being together.
It is hard for me to leave my marriage: it is safe for me and it is all I have known since I was 20. I have always done the responsible thing for my family even if I have neglected my own needs along the way. But I feel I am living a lie and now that I have found someone who I really connect to I don't want to just continue to exist but I want to really live and find happiness. But I am scared and fear things not working out and then regretting ending my 'safe' family life. Should I risk the 'safe' family life I have built up with my wife for the chance of real love and happiness.

 

[Omgitsjoe]

after 30 years (25 married) of being in a stable relationship and having just seen the last of our children leave home i have finally discovered 'love'. The problem is that it is not for my wife! In truth for the last 10 years or so I have felt unconnected to my wife and have been looking for romantic affection with other women. After a few non physical 'friendships' I finally met a woman 3 years ago and experienced that feeling I last had when I was a teenager! We met and mostly talked and dreamt of a future together. At the time we decided it could not go any further as we were both in marriages with children. Two years later our mutual unhappiness has not ended and our attraction for one another is stronger than ever. We have started meeting again and we are now both talking seriously of being together.
It is hard for me to leave my marriage: it is safe for me and it is all I have known since I was 20. I have always done the responsible thing for my family even if I have neglected my own needs along the way. But I feel I am living a lie and now that I have found someone who I really connect to I don't want to just continue to exist but I want to really live and find happiness. But I am scared and fear things not working out and then regretting ending my 'safe' family life. Should I risk the 'safe' family life I have built up with my wife for the chance of real love and happiness.

I've always felt that you only live once and if you really are not happy with your life ..... no matter how secure and safe it is then why stay unhappy ?? Who knows perhaps your wife feels the same way after all these years and wants out too ???

Of course each action has its consequences and i hope and pray whichever you choose will be what is best for you !! Good luck !!

 

[dumpedandhappy]

Is the fact you have to ask the question telling at all?
I am sure that there will people here that will tell you to "read a book" and voila! everything will correct and the answer will be easy or hard...
If you found someone that you have chemistry with, that you feel love for...the answer to me sounds rather simple....
But what do I know, after 23 years of marriage and two kids, I was forced out and I have since found my Angel. My love for her and our relationship are beyond anything I have ever had...and my happiness is off the charts! My ex is fine, the kids are great...life is good.
I am greatful for finding her, she restored my faith and has me walking on air and I would loathe a life without her.
Take courage my man. You have it in you.

 

[unconnected]

thanks for that advice: I raised the subject with my wife 2 weeks ago: I told her that I no longer felt the same way for her as I did years ago. She was upset of course and told me that if I felt that way why was I still living with her. I backed off and told her perhaps I was just confused at the children leaving home. I did not mention that I had found someone else, nor did she ask which I thought was strange! I mentioned that we rarely had sex (3-4 times a year and not very fulfilling when we do). She told me I should try more often, but in truth i am no longer very attracted to her and her lack of interest suggests she feels the same physically toward me.
I fear the reaction of our families and friends, especially as my new 'love' has young children and people will think I am crazy taking on a new family!

 

[dumpedandhappy]

Lots to think about for sure. A tough spot.
Answer still seems clear to me.
Does what people think matter all that much?
Love to me is worth it, in time your happiness ultimatley will show them why.

 

[unconnected]

thanks 'dumpedandhappy' .....I guess I know you are right....just havnt found the courage to complete the 'talk' .....maybe I'm just scared of things not working out with my new 'love' and then losing everything and just being a sad miserable lonely 'old git'. On the other hand I have felt like this for so long and therefore I am not going to suddenly fall back in 'love' with my wife and be happy. Now that the children have gone, I find myself avoiding being alone with my wife and it is even more difficult to 'keep up pretences'. I know putting things off will only cause resentment on my part and that is not fair to anyone....I am thinking of spending a couple of 'secret' days with my new love to really see if we are right for one another or if it is some kind of 'midlife fantasy' on my part. I know that this is dishonest (I have never been 'fully' physically unfaithful even if I have been VERY emotionally unfaithful) but I feel it will help me make my mind up once and for all and give me the courage to do something.

 

[Mr Blunt]

Unconnected
You are probably in your 50s as is your wife. You have been together for 30 years and the last 10 have not been fulfilling. I assume that the previous 20 years were ok. Now you have found a woman that

“I finally met a woman 3 years ago and experienced that feeling I last had when I was a teenager!”

I have no doubt that you and your wife are having a very unfulfilling relationship. First I would recommend that you see if your wife will help you and herself by doing what she mentioned. She told you that you " should try more often"
In a loving way tell her you will if she will also try to improve in the areas that she needs to improve in.
Do not be against having outside help you with this. In fact it is almost a must! Your 30 year burn out is very common and your relationship with your wife can be improved upon substantially.

No she probably will never get you to the teenage feelings again and neither will the other woman. Oh she will in your mind and maybe for the first few times that you and her are going at it. However, you are living a pipe dream.

This OW is willing to break up your marriage; not the most noble of character. This woman will never go thru the rough times and the good times you had in your 20s, 30s, and 40s. This woman will never have your children. This woman will never take the place of their mother with your children. This woman will wear out your excitement in a year or two or less. This woman will not makes things better with your relationship with your children and probably make it much worse.


You should do the right thing and the hard part and give your marriage a chance to be improved. GET HELP NOW!

You have mentioned a very real possibility when you stated

I'm just scared of things not working out with my new 'love' and then losing everything and just being a sad miserable lonely 'old git'.

Finally
If your relationship with your wife is terrible and you have tried everything and nothing has worked and your life is horrible with resentment; then yeah; maybe the compromise is a better move for you. In that case you should go with the other woman. BUT FIRST TRY EVERYTHING TO MAKE YOUR MNARRIAGE WORK!

 

[FRANC]

Great post Mr Blunt.

 

[Shaggy]

You haven't found love. You've found an affair and the rush of dopamine you get from a new relationship and cheating.

It will pass and you will find yourself right back where you are now.

 

[unbelievable]

You are wrong as two left shoes. You've got a wife. This new relationship didn't fall from the sky. You chatted up a woman behind your wife's back. Once you developed stronger feelings for her, you continued and it naturally became a full blown affair. You have acted deceitfully for three years toward your wife of thirty years but now you feel allegedly guilty because you feel you are "acting" the part of a husband? You are a husband. You are "acting" single. If your marriage isn't satisfactory, wouldn't your time be better spent fixing it? You have no idea how life with Miss Thang would turn out. If you attempt one, it's for certain your kids won't be able to look at you the same way again. If you don't already have them, in just a few years, we're talking grandkids. Your gateway to grandkids is through your kids. Your choices now will ripple through generations. Getting together to knock boots, sneaking around for a little lovey-dovey isn't the same as building a life together. Sure, it feels all great and exciting now, but didn't your relationship with your wife feel the same way in the beginning? Miss Thang doesn't have any special biological equipment that your wife doesn't have. At least you know your wife has the resolve to keep a relationship going 30 years.