[DawnD]

Hi there everyone. For anyone new on this part of the forum, I am sorry that you are dealing with infidelity. 3 years ago, news that my H had cheated was finally uncovered by the OW's husband. Who had been looking for me for 18 months to make sure I knew. So those of you who are thinking "what my spouse doesn't know won't hurt them" sometimes it doesn't quite go as you planned.

We are three years out, and after a long road of recovering, I honestly didn't even really notice Dday this year. It was actually on Halloween and I just remembered this morning when I looked at the calendar LOL. So thank you to all of you on here who have guided me, listened, advised, and even helped me see the things I needed to see.

Just gonna throw this out there. The first year after discovery I spent getting myself in a good place. I went back to school, I started doing things that made ME happy. I did not agree to commit back to the marriage until a year had passed. my H knew this, as I told him I would give myself a year just to decide if I wanted to TRY to work it out. This does not mean I was out being down and dirty, but that I found where I wanted to be in life, and got myself there. A year later, I decided we should try to reconcile. During that year my H got counseling, did some soul searching, and tried to prove he was worth the effort.

This does not mean that all marriages can or should be saved. This just happens to mean that mine made it through this mess. The best thing I have to type out, is that for those of you reconciling, eventually you come around to acceptance mode. You accept that they did something that horrible, you accept that you can not change it, and you accept that they may do it again. All you can do is set your boundaries. Will my H cheat again? I don't know. And that is okay. Because what I DO know, is that if he does, we will divorce. Will we still hit rough times? I am sure we will. But hopefully we will get through them together. Good luck to all of you, in whatever way you choose to proceed.

 

[Leuven]

I happy for you, and hope to be able to write the same here some day.

 

[DawnD]

I'm just a bit curious if dday was the end of the affair for your fwh and the ow or had it ended before the other bs contacted you? The affair has ended 18 months before I had found out. Which made recovery ridiculously difficult, since I then new he was capable of lying to my face for a year and a half.[/COLOR]I ask this because of a situation I know about where first anniversary of dday is next week and the WS never ended things with the ap, they just became more careful. As a bs do you think you would of been able to work past it if the affair carried on for another year after exposure?Honestly? No. I would love to tell you I am this awesome person who can forgive all, but I am not. If there was ever a time that he had felt like he had to "decide" between us, he would have been shown the door. I know after my exh cheated on me I didn't leave him but nor did I try to fix the marriage, most likely because it wasn't a great marriage to begin with. We divirced fir other reasons. Just looking for your input since you have done what sounds like all the right things. Again congrats!
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His betrayal pushed me to my limits. The lying to me for a year and a half was horrid. I didn't trust him for years. But I think the thing that shocked my FWH back into reality, was my (admittedly horrible) reaction. I did not cry and ask him to stay. I told him to get the eff out and go live with her. When he asked if I was going to fight for him, I laughed a horrid laugh and asked why would I fight for some a hole that cheats on me?!?!? He looked at me like I just wounded him, and then its like it just hit him that he caused this damage all by himself. And he was in a hole.

 

[jessi]

hi dawnd,

its nice to hear your marriage has survived so far. i think you handled yourself very well looking after yourself as well as processing the marriage and the affair.
we have almost the same time lines and i remember your strength
and logic.
you have learned that we cant control anyone but ourselves and that there are no guarantees in this life.
all we can do is our part in having a great marriage and our ws's have to chose their own path and together a marriage even after infedelity can be a fulfilling one for both partners.
i'm the same if my husband chose the path of infedelity again he would not be given another chance.
we both were accountable for our choices and have moved forward with more awareness and a lot more reality.
trusting fully was a mistake, not agreeing on boundaries that would keep the marriage safe was a mistake.
affairs hurt, they create losses, they change the foundation and trust between a couple. as long as you learn from the process and maintain your self respect.
we now know our spouses can hurt us and they can make choices that dont have our best interests at heart.
blind trust no longer exists for me. i will forever know its a possibility.
i hope your school and your kids are well and happy.
im glad you have survived and that you have learned and protected yourself.
i hope your husband is a changed man as well, mine has seen himself in a different light and has spent the last 3 years making up for what he did to us.
neither one of us can believe sometimes after 25 years together that we have to deal with this, selfish thinking can tear our worlds apart, we are stronger now but a lot of hurt and tears happened to get us here today.
my dday is nov 23rd. i hope the day passes without me noticing as well.
take care dawnd and keep moving forward and being a happy family, you used a second opportunity to make your life better.
you should be proud of yourself.


Sorry typing with broken finger!!!! no capitals

 

[Leuven]

Jessi, thank you for this supportive mssg as well
Think I am somehow still stuck in the Self respect issue

 

[jessi]

leuven,

we all struggle with that in life affair or not.
just remember your conduct is not in question.
i used to look at recovery as a choice i made for myself and since i was looking after me, my best job was my choice and i gave it my all.
i got through it with this thought as well that no other woman would walk away with my life, wasnt going to happen in no way would she win.

i also now live my life like i wish and i dont always put my husband first like i used to, he now sees me living easily for me first.

lueven if you didnt have your husband in your life you would have the self esteem to move on and create a life for yourself, you know he isnt the only man on earth.

you are strong and very capable
recovery, affairs are hard to overcome you do it one day at a time, making each one the best one you want you take control, drive that bus, carry your husband when you have to.
you have the choice to for yourself
dont give up on you!!!

 

[Leuven]

Jessi, you are right, think my bad english here

I still have self esteem, I still find myself much more worth then here.
but I do feel less as a woman. she has been behind my partner for more then 1.5 years, she used our kids and her kids. She created a virtual world and dragged him in. She manupilated him and our kids to get what she needed.
I even am convinced that if my partner would have looked like an elephant she would have gone after him. As she did not wanted him, but she wanted all that I have.
Also, although working and doing a good reconsilation, she living next door, and provoking me whenever she can does not help. Every time she provokes me, she tells me, you may have him, but I had him, and you will have to live with that for rest of your live.

 

[DawnD]

hi dawnd,

its nice to hear your marriage has survived so far. i think you handled yourself very well looking after yourself as well as processing the marriage and the affair.
we have almost the same time lines and i remember your strength
and logic.
you have learned that we cant control anyone but ourselves and that there are no guarantees in this life.
all we can do is our part in having a great marriage and our ws's have to chose their own path and together a marriage even after infedelity can be a fulfilling one for both partners.
i'm the same if my husband chose the path of infedelity again he would not be given another chance.
we both were accountable for our choices and have moved forward with more awareness and a lot more reality.
trusting fully was a mistake, not agreeing on boundaries that would keep the marriage safe was a mistake.
affairs hurt, they create losses, they change the foundation and trust between a couple. as long as you learn from the process and maintain your self respect.
we now know our spouses can hurt us and they can make choices that dont have our best interests at heart.
blind trust no longer exists for me. i will forever know its a possibility.
i hope your school and your kids are well and happy.
im glad you have survived and that you have learned and protected yourself.
i hope your husband is a changed man as well, mine has seen himself in a different light and has spent the last 3 years making up for what he did to us.
neither one of us can believe sometimes after 25 years together that we have to deal with this, selfish thinking can tear our worlds apart, we are stronger now but a lot of hurt and tears happened to get us here today.
my dday is nov 23rd. i hope the day passes without me noticing as well.
take care dawnd and keep moving forward and being a happy family, you used a second opportunity to make your life better.
you should be proud of yourself.


Sorry typing with broken finger!!!! no capitals

I am so glad to see you on here Jessi!! I think about you all the time, wondering how you and the hubby are doing.

You are one smart cookie. I think the emphasis on fixing the marriage FIRST and then trying to get themselves back to normal is the mistake a lot of BS's make, and I am truly happy that you and I have found our way back to who we are and who we want to be!

 

[DawnD]

Every time she provokes me, she tells me, you may have him, but I had him, and you will have to live with that for rest of your live.

You need to remember he also had lunch. And when he was done with it, he put the leftovers in the trash. Where is she now? With the trash.


The Ow's words hurt you, and I know that your ego is bruised right now, but you need to try to remember, that she is a desperate woman. Who NEEDS to go after someone else's husband?? Someone who is desperate. Who needs to remind the wife of her AP about their affair? Someone who knows she doesn't have anything else to live for. Do you see? She doesn't have anything else to look forward to. You are so much more than that.

 

[the guy]

Going 3 yrs our selves...thanks for sharing.

What a ride!

 

[Leuven]

Thank you Dawn,
one day I will get there, but must admit am not yet.

 

[DawnD]

Thank you Dawn,
one day I will get there, but must admit am not yet.

I know Leuven. But whatever you do, don't rush yourself to get anywhere. It takes however long it takes. There are so many downfalls to people trying to fast track through reconciliation.

Are you at the point where you are still flip flopping between staying and leaving?? ( I was at that point for about a year, so no judgement here LOL)

 

[Leuven]

No, I knew when it started and I got 100% confirmation after a month, and then it took partner a month to admit
Had lot of thinking and grieving then, as partner did not speak up, I understood for myself, that there was nothing left for our relation and that he would leave me for her.
Taking into account, who and what she was, and my partner in total depression, lost self esteem en lost trust in relation I could very well understand what happened.
So when he then admitted, I choice to give him, us a change. Hard, but I kept standing behind it. Teere were indeed moments that could I have run off, the moments that I felt him blocking, refussing to talk, hidding himself for what he did. Sometimes wanted to run away from myself.
Now I do not run of from him, myself or our relation. But I do plan to run of from my home, we are moving. I cannot live in the same street as she does.
We searched, and even found something better then we have now. But will only be for summer, so need to keep finding strenght against her till then

 

[DawnD]

Does your husband know about her behavior??

 

[Leuven]

yes, he does,
but not much he or I can do
she also tried few times to contact him, but he kind of ran first times, last time he screamed to her to leave him alone
so when she passes now, she or ignores him, give him her middle finger or laught into his face. every time different reaction.
I wrote her a letter, and since then she does not look my in the face anymore, but she keeps on on provoking like with her car and things like that

 

[DawnD]

If I may ask, does her behavior affect your respect level for HIM?? I know that sounds backwards, but after seeing my H's OW and talking with her, just the fact he would get into an affair with her crazy arse made me lose some respect for him for a long time.

 

[Leuven]

I have not looked at it that way yet, but do not think so.
I know how manipulative she is, how mentally ill she is, and how she lives in her own world. With in additional a very strong intellectual and enourmous mental strenght to pull someone into that world. I know exactly what she offered him, and she played on his humanity, like poor me, always the last, always the one in pain, me taking care of kids alone, never support, no money, can not give kids what I want them to give, me nice, good looking all in love with you and giving you all you need, I do all for you, after 2 weeks in their relationship she told him that she would want to marry him (we are not married, when we discussed I always said no, aiming for him to do ask, as it would mean overwinning his own fears and open up, he now says,for me you never wanted to marry me, and she took even advantage of that).
Thing I am trying to say. I did not lose respect, I know he must have suffered then, not wanting this, but not able to break lose. I think it took him all these months to be able to admit that he lost his own selfrespect, not being as trong as he taught he was, and that someone just played with him to get what she wanted, not carrying who she woudl break or do damage.

 

[Mr Blunt]

By DawnD

The first year after discovery I spent getting myself in a good place. I went back to school, I started doing things that made ME happy. I did not agree to commit back to the marriage until a year had passed

I think this is such a good way to fight infidelity that it is worth repeating and repeating and repeating. Hopefully people will take advantage of this method and turn from looking to the cheating, lying, weak character adulterer to build them up.
The adulterer has very little or nothing to offer the BS.



The very best way to protect yourself and be prepared for a betrayer is to be as autonomous and self reliant as possible.

 

[Mr Blunt]

By DawnD
His betrayal pushed me to my limits. The lying to me for a year and a half was horrid. I didn't trust him for years. But I think the thing that shocked my FWH back into reality, was my (admittedly horrible) reaction. I did not cry and ask him to stay. I told him to get the eff out and go live with her. When he asked if I was going to fight for him, I laughed a horrid laugh and asked why would I fight for some a hole that cheats on me?!?!? He looked at me like I just wounded him, and then its like it just hit him that he caused this damage all by himself. And he was in a hole.

“Admittedly horrible reaction”?
Dawn, that was OUTSTANDING!!!

You made him see the real consequenses of his actions. You not only helped yourself you helped him also. He earned his wounds; all you did was give him what he selfishly worked for.

If a person is a good person they will take their consequences like a grown up and do everything to correct it and to make it up to the person they betrayed. If they do not you are much better off without them.

 

[DawnD]

“Admittedly horrible reaction”?
Dawn, that was OUTSTANDING!!!

You made him see the real consequenses of his actions. You not only helped yourself you helped him also. He earned his wounds; all you did was give him what he selfishly worked for.

If a person is a good person they will take their consequences like a grown up and do everything to correct it and to make it up to the person they betrayed. If they do not you are much better off without them.

For me, it was quite terrible. I can usually stay pretty level headed and keep my composure, but I was not able to at that point. In the long run, I think it was the best reaction I could have had.

It wasn't so much about hurting him, it was more about being semi-vulnerable with someone who had just crushed me. Pissed myself off LOL.

He has never tried to avoid the consequences and he has never mentioned my reaction as being horrible. That is only my standard. I think he is just glad that I never considered getting physical (hitting or anything) with him.