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Discussion Starter #21
@Nina0,

I'm not sure what you need us for. It sounds to me like you have your mind made up. So if your mind is made up...proceed.
Because deciding on a divorce is not easy and maybe someone here was going through the same situation and found a solution.
 

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Don't waste your life. And whatever you do don't have kids until you are sure you want to stay. Maybe you just are not as compatible as you thought. You guys need to have a serious talk about it.
 

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It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people that marry when they aren't compatible. You had a compatibility issue right from the get go - the sex has always been a problem, yet sex is so vitally important within such a relationship. I really don't think I'd be able to stay if it was always horrible.

Why did you marry him??
 

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Discussion Starter #24
It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people that marry when they aren't compatible. You had a compatibility issue right from the get go - the sex has always been a problem, yet sex is so vitally important within such a relationship. I really don't think I'd be able to stay if it was always horrible.

Why did you marry him??
He was my first serious boyfriend and I was so lonely when I met him. It was nice to have someone with me and I fell in love with him on a way that I ignored all the red flags. I was young and naive. He warned me about our incompatibility and I convinced him we were great together. I really thought we were but looking back I was being so stupid.
 

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He was my first serious boyfriend and I was so lonely when I met him. It was nice to have someone with me and I fell in love with him on a way that I ignored all the red flags. I was young and naive. He warned me about our incompatibility and I convinced him we were great together. I really thought we were but looking back I was being so stupid.
You two need to have a serious "come to Jesus" moment. Or, hour. You have both made a big mistake. Thankfully, there aren't any children yet. For God's sake, whatever you do, don't let that happen.

I almost can't believe I'm going to be the one to say it, but I am. Agree to some amicable terms upon which you can both get out. Find a way to move back around your family and friends. And, finish school as soon as you can so you can support yourself.

I'm not one who advises people to divorce. You are ALREADY divorced from your husband, in the emotional sense. He is now a "paycheck" to you.

I love him as a person, but not as a husband anymore.
He feels this. It may be one of the reasons why he won't put in effort at sex.

PE is a problem which usually occurs in young men who haven't had much "practice" at holding back their orgasms. Inexperience is a big factor. Plus, it can be psychologically damaging to the man, gives him feelings of inadequacy and inferiority which work themselves into the "mix" and become their own cause of lack of sexual drive.
 

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Finish your schooling.

That gives you two more years for you to work on him, and for him to work on himself.
During this whole time, let him know you want to improve 'things'.

In this world based economy, a degree is more important than any few, those rare delivered orgasms.

In the interim, you can hand deliver the 'male'.. by yourself.

........................................

The man loves you, but has real 'issues' that you find unacceptable.

When you leave him, don't point out the real reason. That would be rubbing salt on the flag pole.

I believe his actions show a hidden hurt, a hidden fear, a hidden contempt for you.
Imagine that, you feel these same feeling, also!

Does he sense this contempt you have for him?
Likely.

You claim it is the bad sex that makes you contemptuous of him.
I call bollocks, this statement of your is but the tip of his fast-acting spear.

A partner wanting out of a relationship always finds, and points out the alligators weaknesses, his/her soft belly.

You praise him on one hand, then slap him silly with the other.

Has another man caught your fancy?
If not, has the thought of one taken over you?

That *seven year itch, is it centered at your waist, or between your ears?

Hmm?

Yes.

.........................................................

*The itch is normal, not something worthy of shame.
Provided, that one does not foolishly act on it.

........................................................

I am not downplaying anything that you feel, I just want you to analyze every aspect of what it is you feel, and what might be the true, the root cause of it.

It is more than his fast acting root.
You know this all, to boot.


Gwendolyn-
 

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Discussion Starter #27
Thank you Gwendolyn! That opened my eyes and made me reflect with a new perspective. Last night we had a long talk. He said everything that needs fix in our relationship and me, and I did the same. Right now neither him or I think we can create something that wasn't even there at the first place. We are considering divorce. I cried my eyeball out but he was just chill and reasonable, which hurts me because he doesn't seem hurt with this idea. I don't know guys.

Thank you all for your time! Very appropriated.

Finish your schooling.

That gives you two more years for you to work on him, and for him to work on himself.
During this whole time, let him know you want to improve 'things'.

In this world based economy, a degree is more important than any few, those rare delivered orgasms.

In the interim, you can hand deliver the 'male'.. by yourself.

........................................

The man loves you, but has real 'issues' that you find unacceptable.

When you leave him, don't point out the real reason. That would be rubbing salt on the flag pole.

I believe his actions show a hidden hurt, a hidden fear, a hidden contempt for you.
Imagine that, you feel these same feeling, also!

Does he sense this contempt you have for him?
Likely.

You claim it is the bad sex that makes you contemptuous of him.
I call bollocks, this statement of your is but the tip of his fast-acting spear.

A partner wanting out of a relationship always finds, and points out the alligators weaknesses, his/her soft belly.

You praise him on one hand, then slap him silly with the other.

Has another man caught your fancy?
If not, has the thought of one taken over you?

That *seven year itch, is it centered at your waist, or between your ears?

Hmm?

Yes.

.........................................................

*The itch is normal, not something worthy of shame.
Provided, that one does not foolishly act on it.

........................................................

I am not downplaying anything that you feel, I just want you to analyze every aspect of what it is you feel, and what might be the true, the root cause of it.

It is more than his fast acting root.
You know this all, to boot.


Gwendolyn-
 

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Right now neither him or I think we can create something that wasn't even there at the first place.
I tend to agree with this. I think people can, perhaps, restore love if they had it. I don't think it can be manufactured.

... which hurts me because he doesn't seem hurt with this idea.
I don't think this is a "girl or guy" thing. I believe that all people, regardless of gender, tend to accept less-painful alternatives. His reaction shouild serve as a prime "litmus test" when you evaluate the current state of your marriage. I think his perspective is that a divorce would be less painful than the marriage.


If you should decide that you want to save your marriage, you will not have to "know guys", however, you will have to know the one guy you're married to.

I was once married to a woman who was critical of my sexual abilities. I was inexperienced and she was experienced. Every time we went to the bedroom, it was like I was an outfielder who was doomed to drop every ball hit to him, and to endure the boos of hating fans each time. It didn't take long before I avoided sex as completely as possible.

Of course, you are going to have to speak to your husband to find out how he feels, all I can say is how I felt in the similar situation. I didn't seek a divorce, but, I can tell you of a fact that if she did, I would have danced an Irish jig (and, I'm not even Irish)....
 

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Hey guys! I've been married for 3 years, no kids. He's 36 and I am 28. Anyways... I'm not happy about us. We have talked so many times about these issues and nothing really gets resolved. I suggested couple therapy but he doesn't want it. I made this list of pros and cons. What are your views on it? Thinking about divorce does tempts me but at the same time I am terrified because I live where I don't have anyone as family. The only people I know are his family and friends. I am making friends at college though.

CONS
Harasses me to drink alcohol (even though I told him several times that I don't like it)

I don't have fun with his friends

I don't have real fun with him when traveling

Sexless marriage (once every two months maybe)

Want too many different things for life (including when to have kids)

Very few interests in common (we don't really do any activities together)

He doesn't communicate well (don't talk about things that are important)

PROS
Very good person

Supports me (financially and emotionally)

Cheers for my success (I am in school getting an extremely hard degree)

Has a huge heart

Treats me like a princess

Loves my family and helps them when they need

We have fun at home (laugh, cuddle and watch TV)
I’m not sure if it’s just me, but your pro/con list seems to be a little contradictory:

- He harasses you to drink alcohol yet is a very good person who supports you emotionally?
- He doesn’t communicate well, but treats you like a princess?

You don’t share any interests, have a sexless marriage and want totally different things in life? How in the world do you think you guys can make this work? You need to get on the same page in ALL regards. He doesn’t sound like a peach to be married to; I was also in a marriage with someone with an extremely low drive, and it created a lot of issues. And 28 is young to have someone cut you off sex. Personally, if I were married to someone who forced me to do something that I’ve stated that I’m not comfortable with, I’d be sitting him down and telling him to stop, now. And if he didn’t want to stop, I would be leaving.

Your marriage sounds a bit like my former one with lack of sex, no communication, we did nothing together, and wanted different things in life. That’s a recipe for disaster, and it won’t work unless you and he can get on the same page and actually communicate.
 

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Thank you Gwendolyn! That opened my eyes and made me reflect with a new perspective. Last night we had a long talk. He said everything that needs fix in our relationship and me, and I did the same. Right now neither him or I think we can create something that wasn't even there at the first place. We are considering divorce. I cried my eyeball out but he was just chill and reasonable, which hurts me because he doesn't seem hurt with this idea. I don't know guys.
He’s chill because he’s checked out of the marriage. The marriage isn’t working for him, and he’s only physically present, not emotionally. From the sounds of it, you guys hit the nail on the head when you agreed that the spark of a relationship was never there in the first place.
 

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Guys I appreciate all the answers. Well, he thinks there's no problem and he won't accept talking to anyone. I already suggested it over and over again.
With the bolded, you can add to your "negatives" list that he is a selfish lover. If you aren't happy in the sexual area, it affects everything. Oh, add that he is ignorant, or a liar. All men know that a 5 minute orgasm is not desireable when in a relationship with a real live woman. Would he brag to his friends about what a great lover he is? I'm sure not. They would all laugh in his face, or be shocked.

Is he masturbating or looking at porn? It sounds like he has taught himself to go fast.

You might want to read here, and then ask him to also.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/?s=premature+ejaculation
 
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