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The porn thing is coming up on a few post. I'm not commenting on any persons view point of porn but I'll just say that yes I watch porn but it has never changed my wanting of my wife.
With that in mind I would say it is possible that it is not a direct cause ..... but there are also others here who have had the opposite experience.

Yes I realize my above post helps none at all ..... just throwing it out there.
 

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Talk, talk, talk. Won't get a thing. You married a dud in the sex department. That's not gonna Change.
Dump him or life with it. That's your options.
 

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My first thought: PORN.

https://dadstartingover.com/porn/

So many guys have a VERY real problem with pornography. The whole pleasure-seeking/sex wiring in the brain is short-circuited. The wife cannot compete with the super quick "Hunched in front of the computer for three minutes" type of drug that is pornography. For a lot of men, the whole mating game act of dating, real intimacy, foreplay, etc... it's just too much. They have one little bout of ED and they get scared off and go back to their reliable porn cave.
 

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My first thought: PORN.



https://dadstartingover.com/porn/



So many guys have a VERY real problem with pornography. The whole pleasure-seeking/sex wiring in the brain is short-circuited. The wife cannot compete with the super quick "Hunched in front of the computer for three minutes" type of drug that is pornography. For a lot of men, the whole mating game act of dating, real intimacy, foreplay, etc... it's just too much. They have one little bout of ED and they get scared off and go back to their reliable porn cave.
You have a very good point.

However, you should know that the mods here don't like self-promotion on the boards, and if you keep posting links to your own blog, you will be banned.

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You have a very good point.

However, you should know that the mods here don't like self-promotion on the boards, and if you keep posting links to your own blog, you will be banned.

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I'm a paying vendor.
 

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@dadstartingover is a registered vendor with VS.





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“Husband when I married you, I didn’t take a vow of celibacy. We can either start having sex, or I start having sex with someone else while we stay married and you’ll be ok with that, or I start having sex with someone else because we’ll be divorced. I want the first one, but if I don’t see consistent improvement, I’m picking one of the other two.”

Then let him pick. If he doesn’t, divorce.

Don’t dance around this.
 

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Often you are right, but I wouldn't rule out that it is "just sex". Both for me and for some people on discussion groups, sex seems to be the only problem - there are some people who just have no interest.

But you might be right.


Just like my marriage, too.

OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.

And that's why he is refusing counseling, because he knows that counseling will unearth whatever that problem is.

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Often you are right, but I wouldn't rule out that it is "just sex". Both for me and for some people on discussion groups, sex seems to be the only problem - there are some people who just have no interest.



But you might be right.
Don't rule it out, then. But I'd still say that it being "just sex" as the issue is pretty unlikely.

Now, it might not necessarily be a problem in the marriage that is the cause, the cause could be a "him only" problem, like depression or something of that ilk. But that would still make it a marriage problem, because she is being directly affected, whatever it is.

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Thank you all for the answers. They are helping me to get some sense out of this. Do you think I should show him this post? Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.
I see you're willing to fall on the sword for him at all costs, but apparently, he's not willing to do the same for you.

You've asked, you've begged, you've cried, you've pleaded with him, fought with him, tried to compromise with him...you've tried it all - and he still DOES NOTHING and refuses to try ANY of your suggestions. So the message he's clearly sending you is that he's not willing to try to fix what's broken even though he's ACUTELY aware of how negatively it's affecting you.

That's quite an imbalanced relationship you have there where you're doing all the giving and sacrificing in order to stay with him at all costs while he CHOOSES not to do one damned thing to fix it.

Swords are over-rated.
 

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I see you're willing to fall on the sword for him at all costs, but apparently, he's not willing to do the same for you.

You've asked, you've begged, you've cried, you've pleaded with him, fought with him, tried to compromise with him...you've tried it all - and he still DOES NOTHING and refuses to try ANY of your suggestions. So the message he's clearly sending you is that he's not willing to try to fix what's broken even though he's ACUTELY aware of how negatively it's affecting you.

That's quite an imbalanced relationship you have there where you're doing all the giving and sacrificing in order to stay with him at all costs while he CHOOSES not to do one damned thing to fix it.

Swords are over-rated.
Preach, sister! Can I get an "Amen?"

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Some people just have no interest in sex. However that is something that should be revealed and discussed BEFORE marriage if that is the case.
 

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Men who don't have sex with wives fall under just a few catagories. Stress, depression or just not attracted to their spouse just not a possibility that it could fall anywhere else. It's a no brainer if he's happy and content he has an attraction to spouse problem. If you are attractive willing to have sex with him and he refuse he has mental issues. Just can't see it being anything else that's just how us guys are wired.
 

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Nina doesn't seem to be around anymore?

But just to add another option - control.
@She'sStillGotIt said it very well, and both her post and the original post match my ex-husband's behavior.

I can't say that he was conscious of his passive aggressive actions. I don't think his intentions were malicious.

The bottom line was that the two of us were incapable of communicating about sex. And I didn't want to live my life that way.
 

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Nina doesn't seem to be around anymore?



But just to add another option - control.


@She'sStillGotIt said it very well, and both her post and the original post match my ex-husband's behavior.



I can't say that he was conscious of his passive aggressive actions. I don't think his intentions were malicious.



The bottom line was that the two of us were incapable of communicating about sex. And I didn't want to live my life that way.
I have to chime in and say that my experience was the same. I don't think he was aware of his PA behavior. And when I tried to communicate with him, he became very defensive and refused to communicate at all. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.

And, FWIW, PA behavior is abusive behavior. I wasn't going to tolerate it.

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Well, I definitely had my own bad behavior going on.

I don't know about you, but our relationship was the classic cycle - the polite, kind, non-responsive passive aggressive person, and the frustrated, angry spouse who keeps trying to pull something out of someone that they don't want to give.

And I was angry - all the time. My chest hurt regularly, and I'm surprised that I didn't have a heart attack.

So, I can't just put the abusive label on him without taking responsiblity for my own rage.

Being autistic (low frustration threshold) AND having a recovering alcoholic for a dad (which primes a person to get involved with passive aggressive others), there were many days when I was not a pleasant person to be around.


I have to chime in and say that my experience was the same. I don't think he was aware of his PA behavior. And when I tried to communicate with him, he became very defensive and refused to communicate at all. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.

And, FWIW, PA behavior is abusive behavior. I wasn't going to tolerate it.
 
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