What was your sex life with him like when you were dating?
You have a very good point.My first thought: PORN.
So many guys have a VERY real problem with pornography. The whole pleasure-seeking/sex wiring in the brain is short-circuited. The wife cannot compete with the super quick "Hunched in front of the computer for three minutes" type of drug that is pornography. For a lot of men, the whole mating game act of dating, real intimacy, foreplay, etc... it's just too much. They have one little bout of ED and they get scared off and go back to their reliable porn cave.
I'm a paying vendor.
Ok, that's cool, then
Just like my marriage, too.
OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.
And that's why he is refusing counseling, because he knows that counseling will unearth whatever that problem is.
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Don't rule it out, then. But I'd still say that it being "just sex" as the issue is pretty unlikely.Often you are right, but I wouldn't rule out that it is "just sex". Both for me and for some people on discussion groups, sex seems to be the only problem - there are some people who just have no interest.
But you might be right.
I see you're willing to fall on the sword for him at all costs, but apparently, he's not willing to do the same for you.Thank you all for the answers. They are helping me to get some sense out of this. Do you think I should show him this post? Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.
Preach, sister! Can I get an "Amen?"I see you're willing to fall on the sword for him at all costs, but apparently, he's not willing to do the same for you.
You've asked, you've begged, you've cried, you've pleaded with him, fought with him, tried to compromise with him...you've tried it all - and he still DOES NOTHING and refuses to try ANY of your suggestions. So the message he's clearly sending you is that he's not willing to try to fix what's broken even though he's ACUTELY aware of how negatively it's affecting you.
That's quite an imbalanced relationship you have there where you're doing all the giving and sacrificing in order to stay with him at all costs while he CHOOSES not to do one damned thing to fix it.
Swords are over-rated.
I have to chime in and say that my experience was the same. I don't think he was aware of his PA behavior. And when I tried to communicate with him, he became very defensive and refused to communicate at all. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.Nina doesn't seem to be around anymore?
But just to add another option - control.
@She'sStillGotIt said it very well, and both her post and the original post match my ex-husband's behavior.
I can't say that he was conscious of his passive aggressive actions. I don't think his intentions were malicious.
The bottom line was that the two of us were incapable of communicating about sex. And I didn't want to live my life that way.
I have to chime in and say that my experience was the same. I don't think he was aware of his PA behavior. And when I tried to communicate with him, he became very defensive and refused to communicate at all. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.
And, FWIW, PA behavior is abusive behavior. I wasn't going to tolerate it.